To need advice on how to handle this. (teenage girls)

[Carrie5608]

Dd is year 9. Today the year head asked if anyone wanted to give a speech at the Keystage 3 prize giving. Dd volunteered.

She is bright and intelligent. Confident enough to write and give the speech.

Afterwards her 2 best friends came to her and told her everyone in year 9 laughs at her and if she gives this speech they will laugh at her even more.

She now wants to tell the year head she won't do the speech.

This is a mixed ability school, she does get a fair amount of grief for being "a swot" and has been bullied this year. Next year it will be streamed and she will leave most of the kids in her class including the "best friends". She will do nine GCSE's the two best friends will do seven.

WWYD?

So the advice that people are suggesting is to tell her to turn down an opportunity because of what other people will think of her.

Don't be too articulate.
Don't speak out.
Just keep your head down, pretend to be less able than you are in order to fit in.

Well I suppose it's good training for being a woman in many occupations.

Hi.
Not read all replies. But my dd was the same.
There was no over night solution.
Lots and lots of open honest talking about her day and her "friends".
Lots of encouragement to be true to yourself, those who care about you will be your friend no matter what, etc etc.
It took a good few months, but my dd is much happier with like minded girls, who no effort to be liked is needed. They all like her for who she is.
I was lucky that she is an open person and talked to me a lot.
The school IME, tell you what their policy is but in fact have
very little influence over friendships per sei.
Where you are concerned about bullying, I spoke direct to teachers and head. They were very helpful but ultimately it sounds like the girls (I assume) are ready to part ways. Which is hard, making new relationships, but if she is unhappy anyway, it's pointless trying to "win" people over at the price of pretending to be something you are not.
Why should your dd (pretend) say she doesn't want to do a speech, because her peers think it's uncool.
Sorry I've rambled.
Good luck

Oh bloody hell. How depressing. I'm gutted for your daughter that she's been discouraged from doing this speech. Does she take part in any clubs at school? The children at our local school who do drama/dance in the school clubs and productions aren't thought of as 'geeky' and a foster child we had who came to us with self esteem issues found these clubs really helped her status in the class.

It is horrible your DD has been put in this situation.

I would like to say she should do it. Because not doing it will undoubtedly dent her confidence. But secondary schools can be cruel places. She could very likely be teased and if she's coping fine as it is now, then leaving it as it is might be better than her opening herself up for bullying which could also push her academic levels, her social skills and her self confidence right down and could affect her for the rest of her life.

I'm equally baffled that people can read 'my DD says she will be bullied by the entire year if she does this' and can simply dismiss it. It's so easy to say that they are just jealous and you'll come out as the bigger and better person when you are not a teenage girl with no one to talk to or eat lunch with day after day.

Being bullied by the entire year does not build strength of character. It grinds you down relentlessly until all that lovely confidence disappears.

There is no shame in weighing up the risks and deciding it is too much.

I'd tell her that all that matters is what she wants to do and if she wants to do it she should.

Perhaps I'm being cynical, but I doubt that turning down the opportunity to do the speech will protect her against bullying.

Unfortunately, it might just send the message to her 'friends' that she can be manipulated and controlled. I hope I'm wrong though.

OP, I think your daughter sounds lovely, and I'm sorry to hear she is in an environment where she is under pressure to change.

Not only was Emma Watson bullied at school, but so was Daniel Radcliffe, after starring in the first Harry Potter film. A lot of nasty jibes at him for daring to act in a film.

No, but it seems pretty obvious that a speech makes you a bigger target. Again, it depends on whether you interpret her friends as manipulative and jealous or maybe just trying to advise her and make her life a little easier.

I was the class salt along with my group of friends, it wasn't too long ago. It's awful when others bully you for being hard working and keen. I would encourage your dd. when she leaves school she will see how college and university and the working environment welcomes those who are keen.

Her friends don't sound like friends to me, my group of friends always encouraged one another and defended each other over bullies not just told each other to not bother as we would be laughed at.

I look back at the school bullies now and see how great my life is despite them. It's awful for her now but encourage her to be confident in her abilities.

Does your dd agree with the friends that "everyone in year 9" laughs at her? Because if they do, she's probably aware of this already. It's unlikely to be so clear cut - maybe some kids are jealous/feel threatened/ whatever and may make fun of her to cover thus, but equally others probably like her (presumably her friends claim to)/admire her. Some probably don't think about her one way or the other. (I work in secondary, and this is my experience).
What I am trying to say is, I'm sure she is roughly aware of her social standing, and if she felt happy enough to do the speech before her friends' comments, she should trust her instincts and not let it put her off.
Above all else, do not encourage her not to do the speech - as pps have said, if you do you are giving an absolutely horrendous message to her about how to be a woman in the world. I know it must be tough for you, though.

I am interested by the suggestion that the dd make other friends. Is this a realistic possibility OP?

When i was at school there were no people to be friends with if you weren't one of 3 types. None of which i fitted in with. I blame my parents really for sending me to a school miles away from my friends, in a completely different social demographic just because it was a girls school and everyone i went to primary with went to a much better, but mixed sex, school.

Thanks for all the replies. I have discussed with Dh and we have told her the decision is hers and either way we will back her up. We have also told her to be careful of people who have low aims in life as thats exactly what they will achieve in life. They will try to pull you down too.

Overall she doing well at school and although she doesn't like it she is happy to go. She very determined, knows her own mind, very clear on what she wants and what she needs to do to get it.

Overall, I think she will be Ok but we are keeping a close eye all the same.

Mrskoala I think next year she will make new friends as they move into different class sets at start of GCSE.

I was bullied in similar circumstances and still carry the emotional scars - being bright, hard working and prepared to speak out we're not valued by my peers.

However as a professional adult they are. I recently got a very competitive job precisely for those reasons.

I hated school but university onwards has been brilliant....

I occ. see the people who bullied me IMO I have the better life. I'm certainly materially more successful.

I think it's totally up to the DD and if she wants to pull out, that is her right. I was bullied horribly through school, and ended up very, very unhappy through my teens and early twenties as a result. I'm 30 now and still discovering new ways the experience has dragged me down. Being universally hated (even if it's mostly a few nasty voices talking you down and the rest are silent rather than actively supporting you) does a right number on your self-worth.

If an adult had suggested she shouldn't do the speech because people would laugh, I'd think that was awful. If she chooses not to do it in order to protect herself from further negative attention, I think that's entirely her right. Don't we also tell women that they must say yes to things, must meet umpteen obligations before they can consider their own needs? I think this is a great opportunity for her to try putting herself first.

Lurker thats exactly what we are hoping for. I would agree that the ones that thought they were somebody in school ended up being nobodies!

Hard to explain that to a fourteen year old though.

In hindsight we think we chose the wrong school for her but don't think she hates it enough to leave.

In reply to the comments about 'what does this teach women about how to get on in life/behave at work', in my personal opinion it didn't teach me anything. I was bright enough to know you behave differently according to the situation. So i went thru school with my head down but was very confident and vocal in other clubs and situations. I knew it was just because of the small minded people in my school and nothing to do with me at all and tbh i really didn't want to be any of their friends. They were right berks (vandalising the toilets, shop lifting etc).

I'm glad your dd will have the opportunity to change groups next year. That didn't work for me because all of those in the sets i was in didn't want to be friends and were very different too (from Asian cultures and not interested or allowed friendships with a white girl and tbh we had nothing in common)

My sister had a real problem with a girl in her year. They used to be friends but the other girl was nice and sister wanted a more risqué lifestyle. Thy are both clever girls but the other girl would spend all of her time outside school perfecting homework and as a result kept getting really good marks. Constantly. Sister was really annoyed because her work would always get a lower grade - but this girl always put on so much effort an deserved to be rewarded for it.

I never understood why she was so annoyed - she could have done the same.

I think ultimately, if DD starts missing opportunities and changing who she is to fit in, she's going to be more unhappy. When she looks back when she leaves school, carrying on as she is, she'll say that no matter how bad things got, he kept putting her hand up and always tried her best - rather than that she would have liked to have done more but was scared of the reaction that it might get and turned down opportunities in case she was picked on for it.

It sounds like she needs some geeky book need friends! When she's doing GCSEs, the other children in her classes are sure to encourage and nurture her abilities. She'll probably be glad to have some in her class to compete with rather than always being the smart one.

*book nerd. Damn autocorrect.

we have told her the decision is hers and either way we will back her up

I think you have done the right thing.

Best of luck to your DD, OP, whatever she decides.

Not long until next year, and fingers crossed for a more work-orientated peer group.