Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I know I am BU but please help. Pain of infertility

51 replies

Temporarynamechange1 · 02/06/2014 15:17

Please don't flame me for this, I genuinely can't cope. My BIL's gf is pregnant, unplanned and he is still married to someone else. I have been TTC for 12 years, have 1 child who I am eternally grateful for but would love another. I find other women's pregnancies so difficult to cope with. I am polite to them, but then avoid if possible. I recently changed my hairdresser because I could not cope with seeing her growing bump. I have a very professional job, no one would think I turn into a crying gibbering wreck at the thought of someone else being pregnant. However I am so fed up of hearing about this pregnancy, she is 12 weeks now and we have known since week 5. I know this is horrible of me but I don't want to see them, or the baby, it's May way of coping. Any more practical coping suggestions gratefully received but if you don't understand please don't comment, I am in a very fragile place literally shaking and crying as I write this . I'd be so grateful for any coping strategies. I have tried counselling but the only place that helped was the infertility hospital which I no longer qualify for help from. I don't qualify for local help though my GP because I am not suicidal. My husband is really supportive and tries so hard to help me but I need to have some better strategies to cope as the pregnancy goes on. I hope this makes sense, have just been emailed the scan pictures ( they obviously think I want to see them!) and I haven't stopped shaking since

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 02/06/2014 15:21

Have you considered private therapy?

{hugs} for you.

Lanabelle · 02/06/2014 15:32

I wish I could say something to help you but I cant. Its an awful feeling and I just hope you take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in feeling like this, you are not weird or unreasonable or anything else, just struggling a bit with it. I Hope one day soon you get the new pregnancy you want so much

xxxx

MoominAndMiniMoom · 02/06/2014 15:33

Do you have to see them regularly? Are they aware of your difficulties or do you keep it quiet (understandable if you do). If they aren't aware, it's possible that they do think you want to see the scan pictures - if they are aware then it's insensitive of them.

If they're understanding people, they'll keep their distance. I've been on the other side of this situation; an unplanned pregnancy while my SIL is having real difficulties TTC and having to go down a full medical route for it. She kept her distance and I didn't try to push anything. Are you close enough to them to explain how you feel, if you feel able to? Any supportive, understanding family member would understand and try - as much as is physically possible, obviously if there's family events things are different - to make it easier for you in any way.

BlackeyedSusan · 02/06/2014 15:35

hugs.

not sure how you cope. or advice to offer. just sympathy. and try focussing on the one you have got, tough though that may be to do. and if that is not possible i suppose private therapy is the way to go.

HaPPy8 · 02/06/2014 15:42

I feel so sorry for you, its heartbreaking and horrible for you. I have no advice sorry. You definitely aren't alone though it may often feel that way.

aprilanne · 02/06/2014 15:47

i feel sorry for you .surely no one will say horrid things .i know you are hurting but you have one darling child .maybe just focus on them and i am sure it will happen in due course .

summertimeandthelivingiseasy · 02/06/2014 15:48

Probably rubbish advice, but heregoes:

Get a friend to buy a nice new baby pressie, outfit or whatever and wrap it up for you, then stick it in a cupboard ready, so you don't have to think about it again.

Book an appropriate holiday for Feb half term for you, DH and DC.

Get DH to reply to emails (presume it is his brother?)

Do something nice for yourself.

Original poster

Temporarynamechange1 · 02/06/2014 15:48

Thank you so much, reading these has made me cry again but it's so lovely to know that people understand and don't just think I a horrible person, which is often how I feel My husband had explained to them that this news is difficult for us which I think is why I reacted so badly when I saw the scan pictures because I didn't think they would be so insensitive as to send them. I feel so less alone for reading these responses

OP posts:

Original poster

Temporarynamechange1 · 02/06/2014 15:51

I know I won't get pregnant, had multiple IVF attempts, 2 of which resulted in pregnancies, one of which ended in miscarriage. I have been told chances of IVF working are very slight, and I simply can't afford it again either financially or emotionally. I like the advice about getting someone else to buy and wrap a present, my sister would do that for me and that would remove some stress. Thank you

OP posts:

YesIcan · 02/06/2014 15:54

It's tough. I had 2 strategies while ttc.

I avoided babies ( hated the beach).
I said to myself, I don't want her baby, I want MY baby.

But I conceived after 4 years. 12 years of that is brutal. Can you accept that your family will be your DC, your DH and you?

I sometimes think of that saying that if we all put our troubles on a table, we'd each take our own back. Pregnant with a married man? Less than ideal.

Original poster

Temporarynamechange1 · 02/06/2014 16:10

Describing 12 years of TTC as brutal so sums it up, I think I am ok with it all for so long but a pregnancy in the close family really has thrown my emotions to the fore. As I said I can avoid other pregnancies / babies but not this one. I feel exhausted with it all

OP posts:

puntasticusername · 02/06/2014 16:13

Of course you're not a horrible person. for you, it sounds so very hard for you.

MiaowTheCat · 02/06/2014 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SallyMcgally · 02/06/2014 16:32

You're not horrible I'm so sorry. It must be so hard. And it was very insensitive of them to send scan pictures. I don't have anything very helpful to suggest, but wanted to handhold rather than read and run.

Marylou2 · 02/06/2014 16:59

Sending hugs to you. I've been through IVF and miscarriages too though nothing on the scale that you've endured. Be very kind to yourself and take some time off the radar. The world won't end if you retreat to concentrate on yourself. I was lucky enough to be pretty ancient by the time I finally had DD or I sure i'd be in the same place you are now.

carriebella · 02/06/2014 17:11

No advice for you, but you're not alone, i have 1 DC and been trying for DC2 for nearly 8 yrs, pretty sure i will be in your situation soon too as BIL gets married next month and i'm sure babies will follow. Its hard, heart-breaking and shit and no cliches will make you feel any better so I won't even try. I spend some time on fertilityfriends.co.uk and that helps to feel less alone, it may help you a tiny bit too.

curlyHedgehog · 02/06/2014 17:12

I know the pain you feel :-( my dc was ivf and I had multiple failed attempts, plus my relationship broke down due to the stress of it. My life now is just me and my one adored dc. I feel very upset when people talk about how easily they conceived or that it was an accident, much as I know they don't mean anything against me.

I've found it easier to cope by not becoming too involved with other people's pregnancies, talking to other ivf friends and when I feel in the gutter after another announcement of an easy conception I tend to immense myself more in my own dc and remind myself of all the things you can't do during pregnancy that I can still enjoy.

fluffyfanjo · 02/06/2014 17:15

So sorry. I had secondary infertility,I knew I was for very fortunate to have DS but it didn't stop the pain - sometimes it hurt so much it was physical.

Remember you are grieving for the family you thought you would have and that is perfectly normal. Perhaps your DP could explain it to his family and ask for a bit of understanding ?

Does your fertility clinic offer counseling ? It may help you work through your feeling and find away forward.

FrancesNiadova · 02/06/2014 17:19

I can't imagine the pain you're going through, op. I miscarried our 1st at 4 months, we'd just started to tell family & friends. Luckily, I had healthy DC after the mc.
It just isn't fair. You have been so emotionally bruised by 12years of TTC, you can't just throw yourself into joy at the news of this baby. That's totally understandable.
I think the idea of getting a friend to buy & wrap a gift, & even buy & write a card, is a sensible one.
When baby is born, SIL will probably invite you round. Only go when you feel up to it & drip feed yourself in, say 5 minutes at a time. You could drop DH off, pop in & say,"Hi," then have to go to collect the cat from the vets, or whatever.
It's important that your DH appreciates how you feel & supports you.

Sending you big hugs, it's just not bldy fair

ProudAS · 02/06/2014 17:22

I fully understand.

I can't be a mum. The reasons are slightly different to yours but I still have the maternal desires.

I was pleased for my cousin falling pregnant though because I knew I was going to be part of the baby's life.

Andcake · 02/06/2014 17:27

TTC is brutal - 12 years is harsh- I had many years of it and was told prognosis very slim. Had a few mc along the way. I luckily had a miracle Ds but would love another but know it won't really happen. I desperately try and cling on to the positiveness of him but it can be hard - especially as everyone in my baby group seem to be pregnant with their 2nd - I so easily could have been childless so i try and remember the good of at least having him.
I have a professional job but can't count the times I cried in the loos. I basically screwed up one job because of it.
I also did the 'I want my baby not theirs' I also researched adoption and things thinking it's about the child not me and that going through any struggle might make me a good mum for a child with issues. Naive probably.
But yes I avoided pregnant people like the plague and have been very conscious with my own son of not shoving my child at anyone (especially on FB) as many people struggle.

RedRoom · 02/06/2014 17:52

You aren't horrible, you just are sensitive to babies and pregnancy because you want another of your own. Most people will understand that.

I am not 'flaming' you at all, but I do think this should be in TTC, not AIBU, for the reason that you yourself acknowledge- you do have one child and some people reading this will be infertile and have none. That will be just as upsetting as what you are going through, so I think as well as your own hurt feelings, you should consider the feelings of others.

I apologise if this comment upsets you, but you can't expect to post in AIBU and then demand that no one tells you if they think that you are.

ikeaismylocal · 02/06/2014 18:08

I don't have experience of secondary infertility but both dp and myself have fertility issues and it took US along time to conceive ds, there were many times when I didn't think we'd ever have a baby.

The way I coped is slightly different to most, I work with families and children so avoiding was never an option, I threw myself into being the most fantastic auntie to all my friend's children and the children in my family. My logic was that if I never became a mum at least I would have been important to some children and if I was lucky and did become a mum those children would be close to me and my child. I did alot of crying into a glass of wine after we had taken children to tge zoo or been to children's birthday parties.

Could you use this time as an opportunity to look back at your dc's scan photos and remember your own pregnancy and your dc's early days?

The Christmas before I got pregnant was really difficult, my 3 best friends were pregnant and all the children in my family were spending Christmas day at the same house as us. Me and dp took every opportunity to do things you just couldn't do if yiu had small children or were pregnant, there was lots of drinking sparkling wine in the hot-tub and last minute trips to the cinema, meals out at smart restaurants and general civilised enjoyment. It really helped me to realise that even without children we had each other and we could have a fun fulfilling time just the 2 of us.

I hope things get easier for you

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 02/06/2014 18:19

i am childless and 40 but after a recent miscarriage have some hope.

you ask for coping strategies:

I avoid pregnant people - it takes the pressure off. I don't think you owe anyone an explanation just be unfortunately busy when you need some time.
when I cannot avoid e.g. a new baby, I have a drink. it does not look great in writing but a couple of glasses of wine helps me maintain the façade. and i have even enjoyed the event. (i mean have a drink if the event is in restaurant - i don't have a glass of whiskey for breakfast ) BUT i don't cry after a drink and if i did, i would employ avoidance more.
its ok to cry. personally i never do this in public well until recently when someone caused me unnecessary pain in a fairly thoughtless way. on this occasion, it was too much. but overall keeping your chin up help you to keep your chin up.

i think this is ok to post this in AIBU.

SweepTheHalls · 02/06/2014 18:24

You re neither horrible or unreasonable. It's really hard seeing pregnant women everywhere, I have found my SILs pregnancy really tough as we have been trying for DS 3 for 20months, and that is nothing compared to 12 years. My heart goes out to you

Flip

1 2 3