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AIBU?

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Original poster

I know I am BU but please help. Pain of infertility

51 replies

Temporarynamechange1 · 02/06/2014 15:17

Please don't flame me for this, I genuinely can't cope. My BIL's gf is pregnant, unplanned and he is still married to someone else. I have been TTC for 12 years, have 1 child who I am eternally grateful for but would love another. I find other women's pregnancies so difficult to cope with. I am polite to them, but then avoid if possible. I recently changed my hairdresser because I could not cope with seeing her growing bump. I have a very professional job, no one would think I turn into a crying gibbering wreck at the thought of someone else being pregnant. However I am so fed up of hearing about this pregnancy, she is 12 weeks now and we have known since week 5. I know this is horrible of me but I don't want to see them, or the baby, it's May way of coping. Any more practical coping suggestions gratefully received but if you don't understand please don't comment, I am in a very fragile place literally shaking and crying as I write this . I'd be so grateful for any coping strategies. I have tried counselling but the only place that helped was the infertility hospital which I no longer qualify for help from. I don't qualify for local help though my GP because I am not suicidal. My husband is really supportive and tries so hard to help me but I need to have some better strategies to cope as the pregnancy goes on. I hope this makes sense, have just been emailed the scan pictures ( they obviously think I want to see them!) and I haven't stopped shaking since

OP posts:
rhubarbcrumbleplease · 02/06/2014 18:28

You must feel lousy, it's a horrid feeling.
I coped with is the same way as Ican, you don't want their baby, you want yours. Often the imagery of this baby is worse that the real thing, you might well feel differently when it arrives so don't fear the worst.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 02/06/2014 18:31

actually redroom - you may have a point....

maggiethemagpie · 02/06/2014 18:47

I never used to understand the longing for another child when you already have one. I conceived my first no problem, but then developed a serious health problem which meant I was told not to TTC, possibly ever again, and then I understood that that longing can still be there no matter how many children a woman already has. It's a longing to complete the family, and in my case, to give my son a sibling as I didn't want him to be alone. So although my situation is somewhat different to yours I think I do understand a little. (in my case I was eventually given the tentative go ahead to TTC but my second pregnancy was very risky for my own health and I definitely can't have any more)

Can your DH speak to his bro and explain why this is difficult for you, that it isn't that you aren't pleased for them but it is hard for you to get involved at this time?

Hopefully it will get easier after the birth.

Randomnessesses · 02/06/2014 18:57

I had 4 years.

The only thing that helped was knowing that they weren't having my baby but a baby with different genetics

Also time helped.

Infertility is infertility. A wanted baby is a wanted baby. Secondary infertility or not. A woman's animal instincts are just as strong

roastednut · 02/06/2014 21:57

The whole infertility thing is horrible and I really feel for you. Although being childless despite a few ivfs and in my early 40s, I am tending to agree with what redroom said. Sorry, but for me to have one child is looking to be a total miracle, so it is hard for me to read this and not think 'it's much worse for me' but I know it's not a misery competition and 12 years is brutal, so I do feel for you Hmm

Andro · 02/06/2014 22:45

How do you cope? Badly...at least at first!

My main suggestions would be:

  1. Therapy, you may have managed for an extended period of time but sometimes an outside view can be really helpful.
  1. Communication - make sure key people know you're having trouble (if they'll be supportive) so that they can act as a shield until you are in a better place.

Having something so fundamental rubbed in your face (deliberately or otherwise) when you cannot achieve it is brutal...worse I would think if it's something you're desperate for Flowers and Wine

littlegreengloworm · 02/06/2014 22:47

I hope you get good advice .. Sending hugs too.

I don't think there is a need to send scan pictures to people. Can your dh have a quiet word with them or other family member ?

EverythingCounts · 02/06/2014 22:53

I can totally see why this is very painful for you. I would say nothing and just block their email addresses. If they ever ask if you got scan pics just say (or get your DH to say) that they didn't arrive, must be your fierce spam filter or something. I'd also avoid them as much as possible. It sounds as if you have already heard a lot about it in the first 12 weeks, which is overkill even for anyone not finding it hard to deal with. Thanks

ICanSeeTheSun · 02/06/2014 22:57

Have you looked into other options such as adoption or surrogatey. I know those option are not easy ones to consider.

With regards to your situation I think it may be worth seeing a conseller, because you need to be able to go and about without being upset and feeling rubbish at seeing pregnant women and babies.

Original poster
Temporarynamechange1 · 02/06/2014 23:00

Roastednut, and anyone else reading who hasn't had a child. I sincerely apologise if I have made you feel bad. I do honestly know how very fortunate I am. I realise I should have posted this elsewhere but in the heat of the moment I just didn't think.

Thank you to the many posters who have offered support, I appreciate this so much. It's helpful to know that I am not alone and I have got some strategies and so much welcome understanding from your posts. We have replied to BIL saying that whilst we appreciate that this is great news for them we are finding things difficult and would prefer not to be emailed scan pictures. Time will tell how he chooses to respond but at least we have been open about my feelings. Flowers to all of you lovely ladies who helped me tonight

OP posts:
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 02/06/2014 23:06

Hope your BIL is understanding.

12 years of hell, I'm so sorry Thanks

Original poster
Temporarynamechange1 · 02/06/2014 23:07

Everything- we decided to mention that we did not want to see pictures because otherwise I think we would get the 20 week ones too . We debated saying nothing but decided to be (fairly) honest so that hopefully we avoid this situation for the next 6 months

I can see the sun- I haven't thought if surrogacy, maybe this is something to explore. I am keen on adoption and have been researching. DH not so sure he could do that bit he is listening to me so who knows. Maybe there is a way to add to our family

OP posts:
Original poster
Temporarynamechange1 · 02/06/2014 23:08

Sorry, full of typos- am so tired and headachy. Going to sleep now! Thanks all and good night

OP posts:
GreenPetal94 · 02/06/2014 23:09

I'd suggest therapy, you need to get over this as you will see this baby grow up. Private counsellor?

I have two boys but lost my third, a girl, v late on and had no further children. Recently (a number of years on) I enjoyed shopping for a friend's newborn girl. I was proud of myself.

mommy2ash · 02/06/2014 23:11

you are not being unreasonable or horrible or anything like that. i really feel for you. i think if the reality is you won't have another child you need help to accept that for your own sake not for anyone elses. i personally couldn't imagine living life avoiding people or pretending pregnant women were trees. for your own wellbeing i would look into therapy whatever way you can get it.

of course this is simplifying the problem but recently at my meditation class we did work around being happy with what you have instead of worrying about what you don't have as you will never be happy living life that way nor will you enjoy what your life has to offer. maybe look into meditation that has really helped me for different things.

i really hope you find a way to cope with this. i can't even begin to imagine.

Notcontent · 02/06/2014 23:12

OP - just wanted to say that I have been brooding over the same thing tonight. I have one DC that I love to bits but always wanted more, and it seems that it just wasn't meant to happen. You are not alone.

Wolfiefan · 02/06/2014 23:15

I can see you are off to bed but I wanted to add another voice saying you are completely NOT being unreasonable. I hope they understand that you don't want scan pictures sent through and they respect that.
Wishing you and your family happiness in the future. x

mrswishywashy · 02/06/2014 23:20

It's really difficult, my plan is to take it easy and try not to blame myself for not having a baby. Two failed IUIs this year and planning to do IVF, I've low fertility so taking the chance that it works. Will consider donor eggs. Upset with so many friends who've I helped with their new borns but now don't hear from them now bbs are toddlers. They don't even know I'm trying for a bb let alone that it will be a struggle. My sister is due in October and I'm glad that we are on opposite sides of the world, helps ease the pain. Struggle with work as I specialise in helping families with their new borns, currently with a two week old. I just hope and dream that one day I'll have a baby. We just got to be easy on ourselves.

Coumarin · 03/06/2014 03:46

Just adding my voice to say I understand and you're not alone. TTC for 7 years now. 5 fresh ivf cycles, two of which ended in miscarriage.

I also changed my hairdresser because if her growing bump being in my face each time I went, along with her endless chatter about her pregnancy. I can block bumps and things out now, but sometimes my guard is down and I end up sat in the car howling into the steering wheel.

It's bloody unfair. Flowers

However, and please take this with the love it's meant with, you do have a child and that is amazing. The only advice so can give is focus on that as much as possible. See what you have rather than what you don't. It's something I'm trying to do myself. XX

Coumarin · 03/06/2014 03:50

Oh I feel bad for the last bit of my comment now. I'm sorry if that sounded insensitive. I just desperately wanted to give you something to help, I know how horrible it all is.

Do what you have to do to protect yourself, it's ok to feel sad and angry about it.

Original poster
Temporarynamechange1 · 03/06/2014 06:42

Coumarin, I don't think you are insensitive at all. Having one DD is amazing and mostly I do focus on that fact, just sometimes things overwhelm me. What you are going through must be hell. Miscarriage after IVF is so cruel, I so hope you have success with your treatment soon.

MrsWishyWashy, your situation sounds so painful, working with babies must be a real challenge when you're going through fertility treatment. Fingers crossed that your IVF goes smoothly and that you get the right result.

I think the suggestions about therapy/ meditation are helpful, I certainly have to do something to help me cope so I will look into what's available. Thank you for your support and suggestions, it has really helped. I felt so alone before but although the pain is still there I now feel like I'm not so crazy and that there can be a positive way out of this. Have still turned down an invitation to see BIL and GF this Friday though- not ready for that yet...

OP posts:
paxtecum · 03/06/2014 06:55

You are being being selfish at all.
Therapy and meditation should help you.
Also planning some adventure type holidays with your DC1, the sort of holidays that wouldn't be possible with a baby in tow.

I don't understand why people think everyone else wants to see the baby scans. Obviously they are precious to the parents but they do all look the same!

toomuchtooold · 03/06/2014 07:23

Other people have already given all the practical advice I could think of but I just wanted to say you're not alone and if you're a bad person then so am I :-) I had 5 years of infertility and recurrent miscarriage and basically as soon as anyone got pregnant I just started avoiding them. Some people will tell you it's part of life, you can't be like that etc, fuck them, they'd never say that if you'd lost a child and infertility can feel the same even if the only people that get it are other people who've gone through it.

Original poster
Temporarynamechange1 · 04/06/2014 21:49

Thanks all of you. The support from here has been amazing, as have the practical suggestions. I have made some enquiries about private counselling today as I realise I can't go on like this and although it may be costly I have to do something positive towards helping me come to an acceptance which I haven't been able to do alone.

OP posts:
Lauren83 · 05/06/2014 11:06

Hi roastednut how you getting on?

I'm 7 years TTC with 1 failed own egg and one cancelled own egg under my belt, it kills me, every day, I have gone into early menopause due to endometriosis so can't try won't my eggs anymore but I did start a donor egg cycle 2 weeks ago after grieving for a while for an own egg child

I don't know how secondary feels, none of us can understand each others pain, just remember many many ladies will of passed you in the street with your child and possibly felt the empty arms pain us that haven't managed it so far feel, I know its not much comfort but celebrate the fact your a mum and you know what it feels like, your blessed

Doesn't take the pain away though I know