to want to see DS's student digs bills before paying them?

[Eleanor02]

DS, final year uni, has rung to (once again) ask me to help him out with household bills. Two of them in a flat and other other student organised all the utilities etc and all the bills are therefore in his name. Advised DS at the time that they should work together on this.

Latest bill is BT. DS says that for for two recent months, flatmate wants £50 from him which would make it, if the flatmate is being straight with him, £100 between them. Then there's the issue of 3 months when the lads have left but the contract goes on. I have no idea what kind of contract they're on (neither has DS) or what their average monthly bill is. DS doesn't use the phone much - has a mobile. Really, they have the package for the internet (so clearly didn't need to bother with a home phone). All I know is that my household BT bill is pretty modest in comparison ..

AIBU is insisting that DS sees these bills for himself before phoning me again to ask for the dosh? Our household income is modest and it's been very difficult keeping up with DS' requests for money when I haven't seen any of the bills in questions.

And as for the remaining months (what possessed them to enter into an arrangement like this?), DS wants the money from me to give his flatmate who'll be responsible for those final bills but without knowing what contract they are on and what might possibly be done to mitigate things as far as BT is concerned, I'm reluctant to fork out - again.

Any thoughts really, really welcome.

Well I can't prove it Tucson because I can't take you back in time a decade to my university city, but no, I wasn't able to find employment whilst studying.

I did, as I said, work in the holidays, which were pretty extensive.

I'm pretty annoyed at the implication that I'm either lying about the state of employment for students in the early 2000s, when I'm not, or that I didn't look - which isn't true. I went to university in a city with the highest rate of unemployment in the UK scant minutes away, though.

All this is beside the point, however. When my children go to university I hope they will work in holidays or term time to fund clothes, lifestyle, social things. But for food, bills and accommodation - I wouldn't expect them to pay for that alongside full time study and I'm surprised so many on this thread do. Full time study is just that!

A decade - wishful thinking

More like a decade and a half!

YANBU, suggest your son gets a breakdown of all the bills and confirmation that all the other housemates have paid their fair share. If you then want to contribute his share as part of your support for his studies then great.
Otherwise you might be facilitating him not being up-front in talking about money to his friends or having a 'don't worry, my parents will pay' attitude which is unrealistic if you don't intend to bankroll him for ever.

Oh and a 'darling boy, this is how you budget... lesson' and a 'grow up we're not made of money' bollocking might also be appropriate?

You ask them how they pay bills before they move in?

Absolutely. We have a little general chat with all prospective tenants to decide whether they are responsible and organised enough to offer the accommodation to. They don't just ring up and then move in, we actually meet them as they often have a lot of questions themselves.

If I was being asked to pay a bill I'd want sight of it first as well. No need to be taken for a ride by the son or his flat-mate.

My sis and BIL paid for their son's rent and utility bills while he was at Uni. He wasn't alone in that but he did realise how fortunate he was. He didn't need to juggle his studies with a job like most of his chums. But then science isn't the same as some dodgy media-studies course

Everything mytwoblackandwhitecats said, pretty much. Highest unemployment in the country - I'm wondering if we went to the same university .

My parents paid my rent and tuition and I lived off my loan, which was the minimum level because of my parents' income. Both of my parents worked damn hard so that they could support my brother and I and I'll do the same for my dc - and I've got no doubt they'll have a strong work ethic too.

OP YANBU - but I'd expect him to have seen the bill.

And I've never in my life missed a bill payment, and nor would I have discussed my private finances at length with a landlord. They got the guarantor letter - whether I was paying through my own earnings or my parents were paying via a transfer to my bank account would have been none of their business.

OP has said her income is modest and they're struggling to keep up with demands for cash....

As you're not minted I don't know why you're paying at all! Every student can access a student loan. This is meant to cover a modest existence whilst studying. If your DC then want to blow money on beer etc that they haven't budgeted for they'll need a job.

My stepsister received money for uni, apart from her I don't know anyone else that had any maintenance/allowance etc.

OP, you are doing way too much for your son, especially since he is in his final year. He should be capable of sorting this out for himself. How do you think he will ever learn?

Oh please.

My parents helped me out until I graduated, and even after I did they helped until I got a full time job.

I got a great first job because I had time for an internship that turned full time. It didn't delay my ability to be able to live on my own and I still knew how to pay bills and manage money when I didn't need their help anymore.

Same with my brother. They supported him until he got his first job and he too is living on his own with good money management skills.

Wow, some MNers are harsh. Everyone I knew at uni was supported by their parents to some extent or other. And if my children are able to go to uni I fully expect to support them to some degree too. Isn't that normal?

But the OP can't afford to keep 'helping out' like this. It's all very well for parents who can afford it to subsidise their kids (though even then there are good reasons to have very carefully set limits on that) but she is struggling.

To be honest, OP, your DS sounds either

a) selfish - he knows you are struggling but can't be arsed to make any greater efforts to sort this out himself

b) half-soaked - he has entered into agreements without having a clue about what they entail or whether they are good value, and has just bumbled along expecting you to pick up the slack, do the research and organise it all on his behalf

Neither of these is a good look-out for someone about to graduate in a very, very tough employment market. Employers will expect him to have graduate-level skills of organisation, self awareness etc, plus that having lived away from home, he will have at least some idea of how the world works. He doesn't sound as if he has any of these things. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but you have let him get away with that to a certain extent if you have been subsiding him for 3 years without ever asking before now for more details / giving him a bit of a nudge to get sorted, and when you have been tight for money yourself. He is 21 now and while you naturally won't want to see him in serious financial trouble, you are doing him no favours to keep up this level of support at your own cost. I really hope you have a plan for what's going to happen when he moves home so that you can get him to take more responsibility for his own life and finances.

I am amazed at people suggesting parents should not support students and think a lot will change their tune as their own children get to that point. It is one thing to teach your children to be responsible, it is another to cast them out.

FWIW DH and I helped out both of our DCs through uni and afterwards until they got jobs. Even after that point they know that we are there and will help them if we can and they need it.

I think YANBU to ask your DS to be financially responsible and to be aware of the bills but you are being a good mum in helping

YANBU to want to see the bill.

YANBU to support your son financially.

Lots of people on this thread are being unreasonable and totally out of touch. I don't know a single person whose loan covered their accommodation and bills for the year!

I also don't think your son's housemate is being unreasonable wanting to pay off the remaining account now. You do hear of people deliberately avoiding to stump up for bills once they don't have to see each other over breakfast. I would want the payment settled before everyone went their separate ways if I were the bill nominee.

There is a difference between 'supporting them to some degree' and 'always picking up the slack so that they feel they don't even have to check on what bills cover or look for a better deal'. No-one is helping their kids long term by going along with the latter. It just continues to infantilise them when they should be taking on more responsibility bit by bit from 18.

I dont know anyone that didnt fully support themselves through uni with student loan and working.

YANBU. I suspect your DS is being taken for a ride, unfortunately. Dubious arrangement, and bill is high. You're not there to subsidise the others in the house..someone's taking the piss somewhere. Id have thought at his age your DS would have worked this out for himself, however. Money's tight for students, why hand over £50 for an unseen bill?

FWIW my DD is at Uni. I give her a small amount - £15 goes into her account weekly, so the £60 every 4 weeks is to deal with whichever household bill she decides to put it towards. I also do the occasional Tesco shop for her. Aside from that she manages OK on her grant, but if she needed anything else desperately then Id provide. I don't want her to get a job; I want her to be able to focus on revision and studies. A little support is not a bad thing. However your DS needs to be a bit 'sharper' in terms of living arrangements away from home. So yes, ask to see the bill. If its not forthcoming, you have your answer...

Leave it out those if you having a go at the OP for supporting her son through his education. Yes your situation may have been different, but so what: doesn't make him ridiculously over priveleged.

The OP has already had clarification back from her DS.

fifi and melissa, not EVERY student has access to student loans - wtf!!!

International students do not and are also only allowed to work a maximum if 20 hours a week.

That does not make them financially irresponsible or lacking in work ethic.

My parents supported me financially in my last year of uni including bills.

It's what some parents do.

My friend's parents however not only refused to support her, but charged her board and lodgings during the holidays.

YANBU to support your child and YANBU to ask to see bills either in the event your son is being ripped off.

My DD at uni flat shares with 4 others and has been in the same flat for 3 years. I set up a flat account for them as the total rent had to come out of one account. DD also set up Direct Debits for the gas, electricity and broadband. We also factored in insurance and TV licence then divided the total by 5 and the students all pay in the required amount each month.

Some pay it themselves as they work, some have parents who pay it. None have ever seen a bill but having it done this way has taken away any worries about the bills being paid and it has worked brilliantly.

They got a rebate on the gas and electricity a while back and i have been able to give them money to replace minor things that were broken so they can get their full deposits back. They will all get a little money back once all the final payments have been made in a few months.

They have all been very grateful to have me oversee this as it has significantly reduced any money stresses they might have had.

DD is aware that now she is finished at uni and got a job she has to start paying her own bills. I have no idea why people are so desperate for young people to take full responsibility for everything immediately on reaching adulthood. They have a very long time to do all this once they have left further education!

Sounds to me like your son has been inflating the bills so you pay him more beer (or whatever floats his boat) money! As he said, he has no spending money if you only pay the new, reduced amount. He thought he was going to pocket a good sum for his final weeks.

Ask him to scan the bill and send a copy to you. I bet it doesn't happen!

Hindsight is a great thing but you should have agreed a set amount per month and let him budget himself.

What are you going to do if he doesn't get a job when he returns home? Does he have a graduate job lined up?

As a mature student, I've had the pleasure of hearing young adults sit and discus what to say to their parents in order to get money from them and then make the call with all their mates quietly egging them on.

The suckers then fund the next night out and not the 'absolutely essential' text books, heating bill, shop for their 'starving' child etc they think they are funding!

Not all students are like that by a long shot but it's more common than you think. Get yourself a pad, pen and coffee and sit in a uni cafe - it won't be long before you overhear one of these conversations!

So, either he's a complete sap and has no life skills at all or he's taking you for a ride. Either way you probably want to lay down some ground rules before he returns home without student finance or a job!

My parents diet support me through uni and it was bloody hard. I vowed to support mine, we can afford it and so why not. Both DDs work in the summer and do voluntary work(which is fantastic for the cv once they leave) but we pay their rent, mobile phone and all bills. We also give them extra to cover prescriptions etc(dd2 has regular prescriptions which all add up).

Peoe suggesting these students are spoilt don't know what they're talking about. If you can do it why wouldn't you?

I suspect your experience around this issue depends on how well off you are. Most people I know had to work at University. Not because their parents were mean, but because their parents were not very well off. OP says she is struggling to meet the demands for cash.

I would ask to see the bills, pay what is owed, but make it clear to DC that once he graduates, he will be responsible for paying all his own bills. He needs to stop seeing you as an easy source of cash when he is obviously not doing the bare minimum of checking deals and bills.

I will add, mine are given an amount each month and they have to manage on that. So they are learning to budget.

YABU to want to see the bill as he is 21, not a child. If you want to give him money towards living costs while he is a student, give him an allowance. Stop infantilising him and let him grow up.