to want to see DS's student digs bills before paying them?

[Eleanor02]

DS, final year uni, has rung to (once again) ask me to help him out with household bills. Two of them in a flat and other other student organised all the utilities etc and all the bills are therefore in his name. Advised DS at the time that they should work together on this.

Latest bill is BT. DS says that for for two recent months, flatmate wants £50 from him which would make it, if the flatmate is being straight with him, £100 between them. Then there's the issue of 3 months when the lads have left but the contract goes on. I have no idea what kind of contract they're on (neither has DS) or what their average monthly bill is. DS doesn't use the phone much - has a mobile. Really, they have the package for the internet (so clearly didn't need to bother with a home phone). All I know is that my household BT bill is pretty modest in comparison ..

AIBU is insisting that DS sees these bills for himself before phoning me again to ask for the dosh? Our household income is modest and it's been very difficult keeping up with DS' requests for money when I haven't seen any of the bills in questions.

And as for the remaining months (what possessed them to enter into an arrangement like this?), DS wants the money from me to give his flatmate who'll be responsible for those final bills but without knowing what contract they are on and what might possibly be done to mitigate things as far as BT is concerned, I'm reluctant to fork out - again.

Any thoughts really, really welcome.

I definitely think he should be working some of the time. It sounds a bit cheeky to keep asking for more money

How did you work full time & go to seminars & lectures?

The same way they walked up school in the snow barefoot uphill both ways.

You can only pick two: Money, grades, social life. The third will be lacking.

If that was at me Lilac I worked evenings, weekends and nights in a supermarket.

Mum was a single parent and couldn't help me out with living costs, books etc. My loan covered accomodation only.

I graduated after three years with a first class. So it is possible. It just takes organisation. Being employed also made me more employable IYSWIM.

Ignore the 'he should pay' comments - a lot of parents pay for their kids at uni.

However, YANBU - you definitely need to see the bills, and it's a good way for your DS to check he's not being fleeced without looking like he doesn't trust his flatmate. He can just say his mum wants the bills before paying, which doesn't make him look bad. Good idea.

I'd want to see the bill, he can print it off for your son can't he?.

We have BT landline and broadband. I pay out about £23 per month.

I went to sussex university so I had very few lecture hours. I worked every Saturday and Sunday, and two half days during the week, making almost 30 hours a week. I studied the remaining half days I had.

Totally agree about the allowance - but I guess if he is in his final year there's not much point now, unless he goes on to do a master's or something?

But honestly the best thing my dad ever did for me was to sit me down and work out my expenses with me for the year and then give me a monthly allowance which gave me total responsibility for my finances.

It was only JUST enough, which meant I had to work in the holidays if I wanted to go out, or choose between books and beer (as he pointed out!) or choose to walk rather than take the bus, but it was SUCH a good lesson and has really helped me in life.

I never once asked for any extra money, the understanding was that that was it, when there is no more, there is no more, and I think it's much more grown up than asking a parent to pay a bill for you.

But seeing as you ARE paying it, why not ask to look at it!

Thanks very much, all. DS has rung back to say that in fact the £50 is for three recent months - (so £100.00 between them for 3 months). Why he'd said two months, originally, goodness knows. Honest mistake on flatmate's part? I hope so. I'd asked DS to look at the bills and he said he now has and that these are the figures.

Flatmate wants to settle the last three months with BT now - wants to give notice that they're off in a week's time and to pay up for the remaining three months straightaway. Have told DS that that isn't necessary. As long as BT know they're leaving, flatmate can be debited, in the usual way, monthly until the end of the contract at the end of August. And DS can send flatmate the money, especially as DS will (hopefully) be working in the holidays.

DS says that once he's paid flatmate the £50, he'll have a couple of quid left. OK - I can see that once again I have to fork out so he can live this week but paying off BT early - I can't afford to. Money is so tight at this end.

Thanks again - have told DS that he should insist on copies of bills that flatmate is asking him to pay. He's never done that. Don't think he expected me so sound so business like ....

DS is in his final year and works on average 30- 40 hrs a week, he goes down to his contracted 20 hours before his exams to give him more time to study.

We pay his rent but he likes working and says he would be bored if he didn't work, also it means when he finishes Uni he has a job while he looks for other full time employment. If he didn't work he would be unemployed and lolling about back home with us after Uni finishes getting depressed whilst job hunting. It doesn't seem to have affected his studies at all.

He certainly pays all his own bills.

If you are paying a bill, then you should be seeing it. It's time to get serious with him. It's time for him to realise that you don't have endless money that he has ready access to.

maintenance is £3,500 per year before grants, this is just enough to cover house share and bills. Anything more should either be given in a regulated way or they should get a job.

Look at the bill.

Im at uni and share a flat with 2 others, our bill is less than £10 each per month

I do sometimes think some people think when a child turns 18, all financial and emotional support should cease immediately. My birthday is in September and I still had a year at school to go when I turned 18.

It's pretty hard finding a job at the moment and can be harder still for students. They have to work around lectures and deadlines and employers know they're short term.

Even if he did have a job it would be part time.

My mum was a teacher. She died aged 53. I had an allowance from her pension which paid me a set amount of money until I turned 18 or left full time education

A full time student needing help with bills is NORMAL. A full time student should NOT be "standing on his own two feet" and a full time student in his third year (he is 21 so presume he's about to sit his finals) will NOT have much time for a job.

Anyway YANBU OP

I didn't have a full time job ...I had 4 part time ones though - and a 4 hour round trip in my final year

some students don't have a choice - and I narrowly missed out on a first - from a RG Uni

I think a 21 year old adult could manage a few hours bar work to pay a bit of his own bills to be honest - big baby

I find it amazing that some people work 30 -40 hours a week. When I was at uni my classes were 9-5 Monday to Friday then I had to study on top of that. I did get a maintenance grant in those days. My daughter has a student loan for term times but her day is 8-6 Monday to Friday. She needs to rest and manages fine during the terms. She only gets 5-6 weeks summer holidays so getting a job is very difficult.
I started work aged 23 and have never asked my parents for a penny since then. I am all for children standing on their own to feet but it is a graduated process surely.

Gordy, I go back to my point that it is extremely difficult to find a job nowadays, and especially if you are limited as to what hours you can do and if you don't have transport.

A full time university student WILL, in all likelihood, need some financial help. This isn't a remarkable factor. His age is not the important aspect but he is a full time student!

I never had any help from my parents at uni, i just didn't expect it. I worked during holidays and at weekend though. Maybe my social life suffered but I didn't go to university for the social side of things anyway. And it's not like I never went out anyway, it was just once a week instead of every night as some students seem to do nowadays.

Because of course, the OPs son only went to university to partee

I didn't work during term time because there weren't any jobs. There were two universities in the city and the store managers and bar owners didn't like employing students as they went home in the holidays.

I did work during holidays, it wasn't very much money and I did sometimes need help. My dad paid for my accommodation. My mums pension gave me £150 a month. I had £80 from my dad on top.

I didn't realise this made me spoiled and a big baby.

It depends a lot on what you are studying. Some uni courses are properly full time, we had 8-12 hour days in the lab in my BSc, and I was frequently in the lab until 2am in my MSc. Some course only have a few hours of lectures and tutorials in a day, and the rest of the study you can arrange to suit your job. One person being able to work 30 hours a week at uni doesn't mean everyone can.

A parent is responsible for the maintenance of a "child" until 18, or until they finish full time education. It is what you sign up for! grants and bursary s are means tested, If your parents can afford to support you, you cannot apply for them. Loans are available, but may only over the fees, and nothing more. Of course most students want jobs, but they are few and far between, and much sought after,

And reliable internet access is of course going to be vital for a student these days. You don't trot along to the library and collect books any more, you email the virtual library and down load them.....

I've let flats to students for years. I've never known a parent to actually pay their bills for them. Or at least if they do, no-one admits to it. And I deal with seriously moneyed students. More common is them paying their own bills from their part time jobs or allowances. Occasionally they don't pay final bills and we just forward their mail from the utilities companies until they get it sorted out.

OP, you are doing way too much for your son, especially since he is in his final year. He should be capable of sorting this out for himself. How do you think he will ever learn?

Very occasionally (OK on two occasions) you get helicopter parents who do weird stuff for their student children as if they are still infants. One constantly phoned up to complain their dd was cold - despite the flat being double glazed and fully centrally heated by a new boiler. As if I could dispel the winter with my magic wand. Another tried to dissect my lease and redraft it so as not to make their dd responsible for anything. I simply let it to another group.

no transport for me either - I walked or cycled to the nearer of the jobs and took buses to the rest - and trains/lifts to Uni

if they want 100% financial support of mummy and daddy they should continue to live at home - not go and play pretend grown ups with their mates

OP yanbu asking to see the bills but I think you are a bit of a mug for paying them

"I didn't work during term time because there weren't any jobs"
Really? I find that very hard to believe.
"There were two universities in the city and the store managers and bar owners didn't like employing students as they went home in the holidays. "
a) There are jobs outside of stores and bars, and b) Students don't have to go home in the holidays. I didn't.

You ask them how they pay bills before they move in?

I paid bills in the sense they came out of my bank account. The money that was in my bank account came from my parents.

I didn't ever discuss this with a landlord before moving in or whilst living there.

My old Uni ( Oxford) didn't allow term time paid employment for students, and still doesn't. I worked a bit in summer, but my parents paid my way largely. I seem to have managed a work ethic though!

Still, the principle of seeing the bills is a good one, also having a better idea of upcoming outgoings.