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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban presents from my DDs birthday party

90 replies

Berts · 31/05/2014 11:52

Just listening to a poor woman on the radio who was considering keeping her daughter home from schoolmates' birthday parties as she is mortified she can't afford presents.

Now my own DD is hitting school age, would it be okay to send party invites that stipulate 'no gifts'?

I just think she already gets more than enough from us, GPs, etc - she wouldn't want or need anything else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Berts · 31/05/2014 13:20

Hmm, okay, so probably will just offend everyone and mark my kid out as the weird one with the mean mum, so I'll just go with the flow.

Just thinking about my god kids, who had so much stuff after every birthday/Christmas, their mum used to get out the black plastic bags and take a load to the local children's hospital!

I also heard some of the follow up calls on the radio - fairly even split between 'go and don't take gifts, no-one's counting' and 'the parents might not notice, but the kids will (if you don't bring a gift).

I guess unless all the parents in a school were to be of the same mind, it's only going to stick out like a sore thumb Sad

OP posts:
davidjrmum · 31/05/2014 13:20

We've been holding birthday parties for years now (our oldest is 27, youngest 6) and there have been quite a few times when a child has just brought a card - hasn't bothered us in the slightest and I don't think our children even noticed. I think it's such a shame if people think they can't send their child to a party unless they bring a present although i don't think I would go as far as putting "no gifts" on the invite.

unlucky83 · 31/05/2014 13:26

I got slated on here for starting a thread about this a few months ago ...
When my DDs are younger I do big class parties - and say no presents - I have a charity collection instead.
There is a tin and people can put whatever they like in it - I have no idea if anyone donates or not - DDs got to choose the charity...
Reason no presents is that they get 20+ presents, they already have lots of stuff - they don't need that many presents - and they can choose to have a smaller party and presents - or the big (usually expensive) party instead...

And this is something I'd thought about too ...I had a spate of 6 parties in 7 weeks a year or so ago - at the same time elder DD need various bits of money for school stuff and a guide trip - looking at needing to find almost £200 ...I was ok - but understand if you are on a tight budget that would be really difficult....

Anyway to precis my thread - you would be a party spoiler, ruin your DCs life, it is all about you and so not fair on your DC ...

Personally I think if you say 'gifts optional' everyone will bring one...
(I say no gifts and someone always brings one!)
If you have an anonymous collection for a big present for your DC - you will offend people...
And if you say no gifts - you will also make people feel awkward (like going to a dinner party and not taking a bottle)
In your case maybe say DC is a collector of something (very cheap!) and say they'd love something to add to their collection???

MyLatest · 31/05/2014 13:26

I an see both sides of this and in an ideal world I would ban birthday presents from parties for little ones. I do think it puts massive pressure on parents financially, as well as being a pain in the ass to buy. But I have a particular loathing for crap toys floating about the house. When I am dictator for life parties will be about meeting up with people you like, lots of nice food and a cake. Also jelly and ice cream will be mandatory regardless of age :o

diddl · 31/05/2014 13:30

I was thinking that if there's a culture for class parties then parents could club together & get a couple of things.

Was thinking in the region of a couple of quid!

Calloh · 31/05/2014 13:31

I'm with FunLovin, having a blast.

My DS is 6 and we have had two full class parties. I am always really touched at the presents he gets. He is into them to an extent. However, watching him open the presents the first time made me feel a bit sick, he was actually bored of opening presents. I think that diminished his birthday when something so, so thrilling became a chore. He gets lots from his family I am not sure he needs more from school friends.

Additionally our house is tiny and we have nowhere for them all to go. I would love to put this on the invitations but I worry that other mothers would think I'm being all holier than thou and this would eventually effect him.

I hold back some of his presents and recycle them (I think a lot of people do this), he doesn't seem to have noticed. My two older children get invited to about 30 parties a year and this helps with the cost.

Original poster
Berts · 31/05/2014 13:43

Wow - 30 x £5 would be £150 a year!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 31/05/2014 13:45

I think it's this 'whole class party' culture that's causing the problem.

I don't know why it's so popular to invite the whole class now?

Thankfully when my kids were small it was still usual to simply invite 12 - 15 of their actual friends, rather than peers they might not even like that much.

Much easier for the parents too, as it limited the amount of invites their children got.

Sundaedelight · 31/05/2014 13:51

I know! It's madness how much it all adds up to. Will rethink my budget and check out poundland more.

Theodorous · 31/05/2014 13:53

It's not your day. It's not your life. The poor child will be marked as different and a bit like the sugar free parties will look like an idiot. If you want to show people how worthy you are, sacrifice your own stuff or better still put your money where your mouth is.

GiveTwoSheets · 31/05/2014 13:54

OP if I see that on the invite I would take it as you prefer money which is a huge fecking relief than having to buy some random piece of tatt.

I would put something like presents/gifts are not required we just like you to come share this special time -- something along those lines.

All those bleating on about depriving birthday child etc Ffs! Get real! I doubt very much I will even throw my DS a party like I didn't my DD she doesn't need therapy! Even birthday teas she had her 2 friends make a card and just fetched themselves over and had a blast. No gifts

Original poster
Berts · 31/05/2014 13:59

'If you want to show people how worthy you are...' Wow, what a mean minded comment. Now you've shown what kind of person you are, Theodorus.

And actually, I was that kid with the sugar-free party. In the 80s. So I'll be taking on board the comments left by people who haven't felt the need to be personally offensive while they were doing it, and I'll drop the 'no gift' idea.

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Theodorous · 31/05/2014 14:00

It's not the gifts I find vomit inducing but the ops need to show all the other people how worthy she is. I expect she also spends a lot if time helping a food banks etc as well as using the laziest vehicle to show off??

dancinggerald · 31/05/2014 14:00

DS has a birthday party tomorrow, which we can't afford a gift for. I've just wrapped up a book that's in very good condition, and he has made a card. I wouldn't ban gifts, they don't need them, no, but they are little children and just love unwrapping things -even if they don't notice what they've got and I then recycle some for other parties-.

dancinggerald · 31/05/2014 14:01

strikethrough fail.

Original poster
Berts · 31/05/2014 14:14

I don't need to say anything much to that Theodorus. Do you spend a lot of time fuming at how other people think they're so brilliant/worthy/better than everyone else?

If asking a question under a pseudonym on a forum where no-one knows who I am, then accepting the advice of the people who said I was in the wrong is your idea of showing off, god forbid you ever actually see anyone doing anything 'worthy' IRL...

OP posts:
Theodorous · 31/05/2014 14:25

I can honestly say I don't waste any energy fun

Rabbitcar · 31/05/2014 14:27

Quite a few people do it in DD's class. I think it's nice actually. All the children (at her school) have far too much already, and really don't need any more. What I don't like are the one or two who ask in the invitation for ten pounds. A bit greedy IMO. But each to their own.

JohnnyBarthes · 31/05/2014 14:45

dancinggerald the days of birthday parties are pretty much behind me now, but I've done similar in the past. I also know that some of my son's presents have been in a similar vein. Nobody minds - and if they do then that's their problem.

Once or twice I bought sets for around £10 ( this sort of thing ) from The Book People and split those (clearly you have to have a spare tenner in the first place). The Works is also a good source of reasonably priced presents, not all of which is tat (the pink Scrabble set would go down a storm with Mumsnet though Grin ).

JohnnyBarthes · 31/05/2014 14:47

YABU btw OP. There is just no need. Children like presents although clearly they're not going to expire for lack of them. A recycled book or a box of Maltesers, or indeed nothing at all, is just fine - telling people not to buy stuff however is just Hmm

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/05/2014 14:49

Once more I will wheel out Toonie parties. Canada - here child brings two bucks (Toonie). One geos to birthday child for a gift, one to charity of birthday child's choosing. Cheap and easy!

ExcuseTypos · 31/05/2014 15:19

My eldest is 23, she's had parties where some children have brought a card and it really, doesn't matter one jot.

I think it's really sad that anyone would not take their child to a party because of lack of a present. Parties are about having fun, cake, games etc not gifts. If anyone did judge Id think what a spiteful, ignorant person they were.

Only1scoop · 31/05/2014 15:25

Yabu

She is only small and it's all part of the fun.

If anyone is interested Clinton cards had 50 percent off all Melissa and Doug wooden gifts last week. I stocked up on amazing gifts for parties and Christmas for the whole year. Bargain Smile

Think it's still on

Original poster
Berts · 31/05/2014 15:37

I think that's a lovely idea, *Mrs Terry Pratchett', but no doubt if I tried it, I'd be accused of 'showing off' and being 'vomit inducing' Grin

OP posts:
Theodorous · 31/05/2014 15:42

No that makes sense because it is for the child not the mummies need to be special.