To tell ds1 (7) that it is highly unlikely he will play cricket (or anything else) for England?

[lecce]

Just that really. He has recently discovered sport, mainly football, cricket and tennis, after showing no interest in the past. He was gushing on, like he does, about how he will probably play for England, how great he is, etc etc. I gently told him that only a tiny minority of people who enjoy playing a sport will reach professional level. I mentioned the extraordinary dedication, as well as natural talent, required for this to happen. I told him that of course he can try, but I think it's fair to say that I put the dampners on the idea, in fact the phrase 'pissed on his strawberries' immediately sprang to mind, though that was certainly not my intention. I am posting because he did look really crushed, and that made me doubt myself.

Context is that he attends a small school and has been on the top table since he joined in Y1. I get the impression that he is top of the class in nearly everything that is measured (from his teacher, she told me that there was one other child at a similar level, but that ds was working ahead in most areas) and that other children seem to be aware of this. Ds has a bit of a 'professor' persona going on - he loves reading, documentaries etc and I think he, ahem, enjoys sharing his knowledge at school. I have worried in the past about his social skills, but he seems fine now, has plenty of friends and his teacher describes him as 'so nice'. However, he is always telling us that others children have said stuff like 'why are you so clever?" etc and, from what he says, his 'cleverness' is frequently commented on by peers and teachers.

I don't think this is doing him much good. He seems to expect to excel at everything and, if he doesn't, gets ridiculously frustrated. He took up chess recently and skim-read the age appropriate book we got him, declared himself an expert and promptly discovered he was not. Although this resulted in a lot of upset, we saw it as a valuable lesson: He's bright but not 'the best' in everything.

So AIBU to temper his ambitions somewhat?

My 8yo is convinced she is going to live in a huge house with a swimming pool when she's older.

DM has tried telling her she won't .

I tell her as long as she works hard enough, she can achieve anything.

I don't want her not bothering to try, like me, as my DM told me I couldn't.

I think the OP has been getting a bit of a rough time here. I noticed with both my boys that once they started in the juniors, in yr 3, they both suddenly took a real interest in team sports like football and cricket. I wonder if it was seeing the bigger boys kicking a ball about in the playground that made them look up to them, as well as watching more sport on the telly and seeing the adulation of their fans.

However neither of them had any particular talent for either cricket or football. There are boys that are WAY better at them who have a natural talent for their particular sport - I've watched them in the playground and been amazed! I have encouraged participation in whatever sport they want to try but I refuse to agree with them when they proclaim that they are the best goal scorer in their year and that ds2 scored 10 goals at morning playtime. I know for a fact that they aren't or that he didn't, and so I dont agree as such. I usually just say "mmm..... Really? that's nice." No point telling them they are the best when they aren't! So I agree with the OP on that score. There ARE genuine ways to praise them for a sport they haven't got a real talent at (say, cricket) if they are, for example, generally an accurate bowler, or a great catcher. They may be a really crap batter though so it wouldn't be in their interests to tell them they are amazing at cricket and will certainly be picked for their county side when they're older. But you CAN say "oh, DS, you are so good at bowling - you're really fast! I'd better watch out when it's your turn to bowl" etc!

She's determined, MegBusset! We also say that she has to try her best at school if she's going to be the best vegetable she can be, but she doesn't think that's true, because "vegetables don't go to school". But she likes school anyway, so presumably her education is her fall-back plan.
She'll probably end up on a telly advert as a tap dancing carrot or something.....

I think the stock response for any ambitious career options (astronaut, doctor, vet, sports star etc) can only be enthusiasm (that's marvelous/amazing darling, how EXCITING!) but stressing how important it is to practise/work hard at school and always try your very very best.

Our dc's x4 have had an astonishing array of aspirations from international show jumper to hairdresser, astronaut to lorry driver. What they do doesn't matter, it is the effort and commitment they give to their endeavour that will determine success and ultimately, if you're good at what you do, the better your chances are of happiness. And that's all we really want for them.

YABU, I suffer from a crippling lack of self confidence in myself. I think I'm no good at things, when all my results etc point to the fact that I am good.

Yet the people that have absolute self confidence and believe they are amazing when they're not really all that, get on better, because they believe in themselves.

Self belief seems to be far more important than talent in being successful. Clearly you probably need a combination of both to be national standard, but with a lot of sports it's what's going on in your head that has the most influence.

So please don't put your DS down before he's even started.

The problem with AIBU is that even when poster come back on and say, 'yeah, I probabaly was a little bit in the wrong', people don't notice or care, and continue to pile on, responding to the OP.

lecce I hope you don't take some of these rather harsh posts too much to heart. :)

i suppose im lucky i have a pragmatist for a daughter and a hyperactive son my son tells me its his life dream to be XYZ i tell him fine what about being a firefighter he is like oooooh yes i can rescue cats and zooms off around the garden so far he wants to be an army man a firefighter a shop worker so he can eat sweets a policeman to arrest his naughty grandad and a bin man my daughter picked her options for GCSE she chose drama because she wants to be an actress and ICT and a language in case it didn't work out! goodness knows what number three will be like

Just needed to say, it's definitely "pissed on his chips" that gets said round our way - I've never heard of any such thing happening to strawberries

YABU

Let the poor lad dream.

Incidentally, apparently David Beckham said something similar as a child, as did Steven Gerrard......

You really never know!

He sounds great btw

YABVU. He's 7. He could grow up to do anything. He needs bottomless encouragement from his mum, the rest of the world will bring him down as he grows, but with encouragement, he has a much better chance of achieving anything he wishes.

I would follow up by telling him you do believe he could play for England if he wants, but you just want him to understand that it takes lots and lots of dedication and practice to get there, because only the most hardworking and dedicated players do.

My ds, also 7, thinks he is going to be a professional footballer. He has cerebral palsy, so I can say with absolute certainty that he is never going to be in the premiership. However, I don't tell him that. I do sometimes suggest alternative careers he might want to consider as well but in more of a 'oh this might be a more worthwhile thing to do' rather than a 'you can't do it' way. He's also very clever and knows it so I get the whole being concerned about how your ds might come across to others thing.

I'm don't think there's anything wrong with pointing out that achieving certain things takes a lot of hard work. You're not saying he can't do it, just that it takes effort. Important lesson for kids to learn, especially if things come easy to them.

My mother laughed at my daughter's dancing, thought she was hopeless at it, but fortunately for my daughter she never said it to her and my daughter grew up to be a professional dancer.

Obviously not everyone is going to play for England, but if one is passionate enough, there are lots of things a keen footballer can do, why kill his incentive to try?

I think it's good to encourage kids to believe they can do anything but it's also good to remind them not to be arrogant about their gifts. Maybe you erred a little bit to the latter OP? (understandable!)

I was not sporty but I went to a small primary school and then a reasonably small all-girls secondary. I was very academically able and very lazy - I relied on the fact I was a good writer with a really good memory to coast through school and exams. I always got really good marks without trying that hard. I don't think I walked round telling everyone how clever I was but I thought I was pretty hot shit! Then I went to law school & came across properly super-smart people who also worked really hard. I got the shock of my life! It put me in my place pretty fast. To cut a long story short - it's likely that life will sort out your DS without you needing to do it!

No business. I work with a young lad who has cerebal palsy, he has been accepted by a profesional football team as a member of the coaching staff.
He has also had some recognition from England and just missed out on the paraolympics because of injury.
It can be done.

And when DS1 was 7yo, DH got carried away, and got ideas that DS was going to captain the England football team, and score the winning goal during the world cup.

I let him enjoy his dream while it lasted.

Everyone should be allowed to dream.

Although it can come as a shock to kids who are good at things when they are suddenly thrown in with a load of others who are better than them, such as when they start high school. But that's life.

Me and my (then) 6 year old ds were having a chat about different countries. He exclaimed that when he was a man he'd live in New York. Its be so exciting, he'd climb to the top of sky scrapers and eat lunch every day in a deli and go to Times Square and the museums, he was so excited. Then I stupidly said, "well you know, you'll have to have a job and it'll become boring, one city is much like any other when you just have to do things like go to the supermarket and drive to work and back every day". His little face fell.

I still get a twinge of hatred for myself when I think about that. Worse thing is he still remembers it.

The other kids who DO eventually play or England have parents who say "yes you can" not "no, sorry it'll never happen".

My mother used to piss on my dreams, I stopped trying in any of the fields I was interested in and started nurse training to please her. I hated it and have never had a career because I could never trust myself to make decent decisions. If my mum didn't think I could do it, I felt my chances were nil.

Success takes hard work - encourage the hard work and he'll work out whether he's prepared to put the necessary effort in in his own good time.

Think my thread touched a bit of a nerve with people who had parents who constantly put them down and told them there was no point in trying . I can see why people got that impression from my OP, but, while we are by no means perfect parents, I think I can safely say we are NOT like that. Ds has oodles of confidence and we would never, ever dream of telling him not to even try at something. Tbf, I did say in my OP I am concerned sometimes at his lack of effort - he expects things to come easily to him, and I want him to learn that things you have to work for are every bit as worth having as those that come easily to you. It maybe wasn't necessary to tell him he is unlikely to play for England to achieve that, and I have already accepted that.

I really relate to the poster who mentioned her ds proclaiming that he's the best goal scorer etc, when she knows he isn't. That is the type of stuff ds comes out with, and I don't think it is to be encouraged. However, I do praise his enthusiasm and team spirit, and try to be as gentle and sensitive as possible when he comes on a bit strong.

I'm glad I posted this as it has made me think more carefully about some of the responses I give him, but I promise I'm not a bitch who puts him down and tells him not to bother trying. I want him to try more, not less!

Sorry, wanted to add that, as well as wanting him to value effort, I want him to value activities because they are fun and he enjoys them, even if he is not 'the best' at them. Atm, we think he is too focused on things coming easily to him, and being top at everything.

You know your son OP.

You probably weren't being entirely unreasonable.

I can't see a problem with telling him that even with a natural talent, professional sport needs a lot of hard work & dedication.

As long as he's supported when genuinely interested!

Having taught a (current) England cricket player and several professional Rugby players, including a past England player, I would say what marks them out at a young age is their perseverance. Yes, they need talent, but they need to work hard at it too.
I think this would be an ideal time for your DS to learn that whilst some things, such as his academic success, may come relatively easily, there are others which require perseverance. maybe he will surprise you!

He'll learn.

from age 6 my son was obsessed with being able to fly. totally obsessed with it. now, two years and several injuries on, he accepts that he can't and never will.

My son is heading for a pro career at some level, certainly county at least. I have no doubt of that - and I have always told him that.
If he doesn't - hey ho, he has had loads of fun on the way.

My husband (48) sat in the Olympic stadium EXPECTING that if anyone dropped out of the 100m they would call on him. He was almost disappointed that Bolt was fit and healthy!