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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell ds1 (7) that it is highly unlikely he will play cricket (or anything else) for England?

111 replies

lecce · 30/05/2014 19:36

Just that really. He has recently discovered sport, mainly football, cricket and tennis, after showing no interest in the past. He was gushing on, like he does, about how he will probably play for England, how great he is, etc etc. I gently told him that only a tiny minority of people who enjoy playing a sport will reach professional level. I mentioned the extraordinary dedication, as well as natural talent, required for this to happen. I told him that of course he can try, but I think it's fair to say that I put the dampners on the idea, in fact the phrase 'pissed on his strawberries' immediately sprang to mind, though that was certainly not my intention. I am posting because he did look really crushed, and that made me doubt myself.

Context is that he attends a small school and has been on the top table since he joined in Y1. I get the impression that he is top of the class in nearly everything that is measured (from his teacher, she told me that there was one other child at a similar level, but that ds was working ahead in most areas) and that other children seem to be aware of this. Ds has a bit of a 'professor' persona going on - he loves reading, documentaries etc and I think he, ahem, enjoys sharing his knowledge at school. I have worried in the past about his social skills, but he seems fine now, has plenty of friends and his teacher describes him as 'so nice'. However, he is always telling us that others children have said stuff like 'why are you so clever?" etc and, from what he says, his 'cleverness' is frequently commented on by peers and teachers.

I don't think this is doing him much good. He seems to expect to excel at everything and, if he doesn't, gets ridiculously frustrated. He took up chess recently and skim-read the age appropriate book we got him, declared himself an expert and promptly discovered he was not. Although this resulted in a lot of upset, we saw it as a valuable lesson: He's bright but not 'the best' in everything.

So AIBU to temper his ambitions somewhat?

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 30/05/2014 20:08

Just re-read your op, and you do that anyway, sorry.

I think what you said was fair and true.

lecce · 30/05/2014 20:08

Thank you- interesting reading. I want to be really clear that I absolutely didn't laugh at him, tell him he wasn't good enough, would never be good enough etc. It's just that it's a little wearing hearing him say he's the best, and then flipping out when he finds evidence he's not.
I don't think he's arrogant exactly, (and I think he is better-natured at school than he is at home, from what his teacher says) but things have come easily to him that others struggle with, and he spends a lot of time in an environment in which he is praised for being 'clever', rather than for trying, for instance, and. as I said, I don't think it's doing him that much good.

He is attending football and cricket classes as we certainly do want to encourage this for fitness/confidence/ social reasons - we have no intention of preventing him from participating.

It's lovely reading all these stories of ambitious 7 yr olds - I am probably guilty of losing sight of how young he is and I don't want to knock that sense of the possibilities of life out of him Blush.

OP posts:
DenzelWashington · 30/05/2014 20:10

Nothing wrong with his dreams, it is his method and application that he needs help with.
Don't tell him what he will or won't do as an adult. Explain what it takes to get there. Talk about trying hard, being resilient, practising at things. Point out the ones who succeed are the ones with talent plus metal strength plus the willingness to do hours and hours of work. That's the real value of sport, whatever level is achieved-teaching you things like that.

Helpys · 30/05/2014 20:10

YABVU and that pessimism that you call realism could become a self fulfilling prophecy. DS had an ambition aged 6- one I would never have envisaged and tbh wasnt too thrilled about. He did it, travelled the world, has met Presidents, Royalty, the Dalai Lama - and is now doing something completely different, extremely well.
Can you imagine what would have happened if I'd told him how unlikely it would be?

meditrina · 30/05/2014 20:11

He's 7.

You can tell him he'll have to train really hard, and get him to settle on a couple of prefered sports and see how he gets on. He'll find his level ny be doing.

And even though only a tiny number of those who are fairly serious about sport go on to high level competition - how can you possibly know now that he isn't going be one who can get there?

slithytove · 30/05/2014 20:16

Some people do make it though

Had he said he was going to be a dinosaur or something, I could understand you tempering his enthusiasm Grin

BreakOutTheKaraoke · 30/05/2014 20:16

It's a hard line to gauge, isn't it? I have a 10 year old DD, who, at the minute, is not trying as hard as she could in school, because she is determined that she is going to go to stage school and be a famous singer. This is while she hates getting up on stage in front of people! All the time that she is daydreaming about this, she is ignoring what she could be doing. I'm currently trying to instill in her the need for a 'back up career'.

SoulJacker · 30/05/2014 20:21

My mum always used to tell me not to worry if I wasn't good enough to play sport for England, I could always compete for Wales Grin

Gruntfuttock · 30/05/2014 20:27

You don't know what he's going to achieve as an adult. He may surprise you.

TruJay · 30/05/2014 20:35

I understand what you're saying yet I do think you were a little mean. My DS told me he wants to be a train when he grows up, not a train driver but an actual train Grin

Now obviously this will not happen but even I didn't tell him that, i just said oh wow that's fab and we pretended to be trains for the next half an hour!

He has also said that he will go to the moon too! Its not likely is it but I wouldn't say that to him, he'd be crushed!

weeblueberry · 30/05/2014 20:38

He's seven. He could be anything for Christ's sake. Isn't that the age where he's meant to say 'mummy I can't do that' and you tell him he can do anything he bloody well wants? Hmm

50KnockingonabiT · 30/05/2014 20:42

I used to tell mine they could be anything they wanted to be if they worked hard enough.

Still say the same now and they're both in their twenties:) With age their expectations have changed. Oldest no longer wants to be the school cleaner:D

MrsRuffdiamond · 30/05/2014 20:45

I think the rough and tumble of school and his peers will temper any big-headedness, if that's what worries you. If he is well-liked by friends and described as 'so nice' by his teacher, then you can probably assume that he isn't being boastful or throwing his intellectual weight around, as that kind of behaviour doesn't tend to go down well at school!

His peers have found out that he is a v bright child, and by the sound of it are embracing that side of him, because he is obviously very likeable as well. He will find out in due course that you can't be good at everything all the time - the day he doesn't win the race, the time someone else gets the question right, and he doesn't.

Don't tell him he won't play for England. I have a 9yr old who is definitely going to be a professional footballer. That's what he would say, if asked what he's going to be when he grows up, and I don't feel it's necessary for me to burst his bubble! Who knows? Smile

ForalltheSaints · 30/05/2014 20:50

Your son likes cricket. This is wonderful. Don't crush his dreams. Tell him that even if he were to play for a county side, it would be wonderful.

BolshierAyraStark · 30/05/2014 20:50

I think YABVU, you have no idea what he'll grow up to achieve-it's possible for him to do anything & you should tell him so.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2014 20:53

Let's get this straight. Bad mood in the morning = someone pissed on your cornflakes. Bad mood in the evening = pissed on chips. Strawberries = never.

Also, my Dad, in his 70s, is convinced DD (3 yo) will run for her country. She won't if she has his clumsy gene! Nice for both of them.

keepyourchinupdear · 30/05/2014 20:55

Yabvu. If you wanted to, you could help your ds achieve his dreams. I'm guessing you're a selfish parent.

Ludways · 30/05/2014 21:03

Some people do make it to compete for England, I did. Glad my parents never said that to me.

SanityClause · 30/05/2014 21:04

Why would you limit his expectations?

DS loves sport, but frankly, he is fairly crap at it, because he is dyspraxic. I have never told him he's not much chop. He's not thick, he can work it out for himself.

I just keep taking him, encouraging him, and he can choose if he wants to continue or not.

Recently, he was chosen to represent the school at hockey. He was picked because he goes to training, and knows the rules and how to play to position, etc. Boys who are better at sport, in general, were not picked, because they do not train. So, by working hard at it, he got a (small) reward. And that's a brilliant life lesson.

lecce · 30/05/2014 21:07

I'm finding this really useful and it will probably affect the way I handle it next time ds talks that way. I accept I have probably been a little over-zealous in my quest for realism, but I really don't think I'm a selfish parent and I'm not sure where you got that from, keepyourchinupdear.

And, MrsTerryPrachett It's definitely strawberries round our way, any time of the day or night Grin.

OP posts:
Tangoandcreditcards · 30/05/2014 21:07

When I was a similar age I was convinced I was going to disguise myself as a boy and get onto the England cricket team... The fact that I was totally shortsighted and painfully malcoordinated turned out to be much more of a barrier than my gender.

I clung onto this dream possibly until my teens. I do remember DM gently trying to tell me it wasn't v likely Grin , as you have done, but I totally ignored her and kept up my daydreaming actual plans involving fake stubble and an unlikely backstory

He may not take not being the best very well now, but it may manifest itself as healthy ambition in the future. I wouldn't worry about it.

mytwoblackandwhitecats · 30/05/2014 21:10

I think some posts here are a little harsh, and the OP said that it took dedication and commitment - not, in so many words, the title of her post.

Maybe 7 is too little, but I used to be a secondary school teacher and believe me, a LOT of boys thought they were destined to be the next Wayne Rooney, when in actual fact, they were just a little bit better at football than some of the other boys. It got in the way of them working towards their exams, in some cases - who needs GCSE Maths if you're going to be a professional footy player?

I think doing what makes you happy is a good mantra to teach to children. Not for personal or financial gain but sheer enjoyment!

GardeningPerchance · 30/05/2014 21:18

YABU - my mum pisses on my strawberries on a regular basis (to this day) and it's pointless and upsetting Hmm I wasn't damaged by my grandma adoring everything I did and telling me how good I was - you soon learn/forget the idea anyway.

He's 7, he doesn't need to be realistic!

DeWee · 30/05/2014 21:27

I think you overdid it somewhat, but I know where you are coming from.

However 7yo boys are like that. Ds is 6yo and he is going to win Wimbledon, play for Chelsea, probably England football, rugby and cricket too, and be a Red Arrow pilot. In his spare time (!) he's going to be a traffic cop and a spy!!! He's also half hoping for a call up to the Power rangers.

When he just talks about it, I let him. However if he comes out with "do you think I'm the best XXX in the country?" I usually say "I think you're the most lovely XXX, and the most gorgeous, but at present you might well not be the best. If you want to be the best you have to work really hard at it". Or something along that lines.
Sometimes he says "I'm going to work really hard then" sometimes he then comes back with something like "am I better than you were at my age" to which the usual answer is "yes". Grin

I am careful, as my db was very big headed because at primary he seemed to suceed without trying, and the other children regarded him as slightly separate. It was really bad for him, as by secondary he regarded himself as superior to his peers, which was very clear in how he (didn't) relate to them, plus it meant he couldn't cope with others doing better than him, and as an adult he still struggles with any sign of criticism, even constructive criticism, or failure.

Tommorrowisthedayaftertoday · 30/05/2014 21:38

My 11 year still thinks he is going to be spotted by either Tottenham or Everton - no idea why those teams in particular. I daren't break it to him that although he is a reasonable player he's about 6 years too old and it's never going to happen,