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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To re-neg on a birthday invite

51 replies

butterfliesinmytummy · 30/05/2014 15:13

Argh, getting close to summer holidays so we are overwhelmed with birthday invites. DD2 has been invited to a birthday party one Sunday in June, she's delighted, we accepted.

Today we received an invite from her best friend, to her 5th birthday party, exactly the same time, different location. I know dd2 will prefer to go to her best friend's party, do you think it's OK to change our RSVP to the first party? The mum is nice but quite proper, don't want to upset anyone....

To complicate things further, dd1 is best friends with the first party birthday girl's sister. She's been invited to birthday 1 as well. Would it be OK to send dd1 to party 1 and dd2 to party 2?

Bloody hate birthday party politics.....

OP posts:
Suefla62 · 30/05/2014 15:37

Always taught my kids that once they accepted an invitation it was rude to change your mind if something better came along. 1st invitation accepted, 2nd invitation sorry not available.

CorusKate · 30/05/2014 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sezamcgregor · 30/05/2014 15:40

You've already said yes - you can't back out now, that would be really rude.

If you are close to the girl who asked you second, invite her round for a special birthday tea at your house or ask her mum if you can do something special another day as you'd hate to miss out on celebrating her birthday.

Pagwatch · 30/05/2014 15:41

No. It would be really rude.
Send them to the party you accepted.

It's not 'proper' to go through with an invitation you have accepted and it's not politics. It's just basic manners.

You should not renege On a commitment. Have her best friend over for tea.

ChesterCake · 30/05/2014 15:42

I also think it would be very rude to change your mind now

MistressDeeCee · 30/05/2014 15:44

Send 1 to each party. Ive 2 DDs 1 year apart and in their primary school days I had to do that a few times...different girls, different (best) friendships, thats how it goes

TantrumsAndBalloons · 30/05/2014 15:44

No of course you cannot change your mind, and send dd1 to the party you have turned down for dd2 Confused

LoblollyBoy · 30/05/2014 15:44

Yes, YABU, it can't be different from grown up party politics, or chaos would ensue.

MrsKoala · 30/05/2014 15:47

It would be very upsetting to the birthday girl you said yes to, to now say you've had a better offer. I wouldn't do it, it would be hurtful and if i was the mum and someone pulled out for that reason, i'd tell them exactly how rude i thought they were.

I would use it as an opportunity to teach your dc not to be rude or hurtful just because you've had a 'better' offer.

sillystring · 30/05/2014 15:48

I think it's really shabby to renege on the first invite. It smacks of "we got a better offer". Not nice.

SaucyJack · 30/05/2014 15:49

If you're concerned about etiquette, then yes- it would be terribly rude to sack friend 1 off because you've had a better offer.

HerRoyalNotness · 30/05/2014 15:50

You need to honor the first acceptance.

CanaryYellow · 30/05/2014 15:51

I would send her to the party that you've already accepted the invite to.

Bowlersarm · 30/05/2014 15:52

Having accepted the first invitation you need to stick with it, and decline the second one.

Terrible to pull out because something better has come along.

ExitPursuedByABear · 30/05/2014 15:53

Oh that would be rude.

Littlefish · 30/05/2014 15:54

I agree with everyone else. Both your dds should go to the first party. Invite dd2's best friend to tea on another day.

Revised · 30/05/2014 16:23

Yes Littlefish is right - both DD's must honour the promise they've already made. Inviting the best friend another day is a good idea.

TBH even if it was possible that you would get away with changing without causing offence/upset you really mustn't teach your DDs that it's OK to do that.

When mine were small I always told them before we sent a response that they would be going like it or not and no matter what else came up once they had accepted. Fine to decline but once you've agreed to go, then you go. Same applies to adults.

thatmum50 · 30/05/2014 16:50

Let's just say if i was the PARTY 1 GIRL's mum then neither of your daughters would ever come round my house again. And i would stand across the playground when i come to pick my children up as well.

Definitely go to party 1. It is so rude not say no because basically... you have had a better offer.

paddyclampo · 30/05/2014 17:04

Would definitely BU to change your mind and would be very upsetting for the child.

Are these girls in the same class? Might be an idea to give the second mum the heads up that there is a clash! Maybe she can change her plans.

EEasterChick · 30/05/2014 17:08

I'm with everyone, but I feel your pain. Bloody birthday parties. This year I have turned down two out of three and life has been much improved as a result.

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2014 17:16

You should go to Party 1.

Didn't you know that was best friend's birthday?

And yes, suggest doing something special with her another day.

Original poster
butterfliesinmytummy · 30/05/2014 17:28

Thanks everyone. I knew that dd2s best friend had a birthday coming up but didn't know when the party would be. Party 1 is a girl from another year, dds know her from the school bus.

Your advice is spot on. I've emailed mum of party 2 and explained why we can't go. I've asked if we can have her dd here for a special celebration or a birthday sleepover.

OP posts:
bbcessex · 30/05/2014 17:31

I can see your dilemma.

Is DD2's best friend also a friend of the first birthday girl? Are they in the same class? It could be that the mums realise the clash themselves and sort it out...

GatoradeMeBitch · 30/05/2014 17:33

I would let her go to her best friend's party, because I know what kids this age are like. If she misses it, they may not be best friend's any longer! Definitely, send them off to the different parties. The first Mum will understand.

DreamingAboutFlying · 30/05/2014 17:39

So she should be rude to someone else to keep her place in the friendship pecking order with her bf?

Nice queen bee attitude to encourage, that - that it's appropriate to keep your friends so afraid of losing their status as your bf that they'll be mean to other girls to keep it.