One DD disabled, one not. Help please on appropriate jobs for them!

[Gymbob]

DD 15 is disabled. She's not your usual teen. She is deaf with autistic traits and very difficult to manage. DD 2 is 14 and high achieving. DD 1 does jobs she can manage like walking the dog and washing up. DD 2 is capable of so much more and it has been suggested to me that I am doing her no favours by letting her get off so lightly at home.

This morning I asked her to do jobs as DD1 out working all day. Hit the roof. Also said that from now on rid will be doing her own ironing. She said she would not and would wear creased clothes!

AIBU what would you do?

They're teens. I don't think you're going to get much more out them than black and white thinking of "Well, sister does X amount, so I should do X amount".

She 14 though, let her wear creased clothes. She'll fix it if it bugs her enough. :)

Give your DD2 a break. She's 14 and she has a disabled older sister. Don't assume your DD2 has it easy.

Agree with Bonsoir, her life will be different from many other teens having a disabled sister.

Have you stopped ironing for them both or just her?

They only get one childhood, they can leave home with a knowledge of how to keep a house without having to spend hours practice. Plenty of time for housework when they are adults.

DD1 can't iron she's terrified of it.

She is old enough to do her own ironing.

And also to learn that clothes will be creased if she doesn't.

She doesn't need to be babied because she has a disabled sister, as some are suggesting.

She will grow up to be independent and needs appropriate life skills.

I agree with Corus - if dhe doesn't want to iron her clothes why should she? YANBU stopping doing the teenage DDs ironing, but you are U having a stand off about making just one of them do ironing if she's happy to go unironed :o

Wearing creased clothes is fine. I think giving them the same amount of chores time wise each week (even if chores are different) is fair.

I don't subscribe to the 'wait on them hand and foot til they leave home' school of parenting, partly cause I am far to lazy and partly because I think it is cruel to raise entitled and incapable adults for others to deal with. Expecting to have to chip in is as important as the skills you gain in doing so IMO

They could noth do their own laundry start to finish tbh - I did from 14 because my mum tumble dried and shrank everything except her own stuff and my 8 and 6 year olds already use the machine under supervision, so I see no reason they can't do their own once physically big enough to carry a basket of their own laundry.

Well as long as you would expect a son to iron too.

I also never iron only tumble dry.

I think it is a bit young for ironing.

Focus first on thinks they both can alternate doing.
What if DD2 wants to walk the dog?

At leaat they can have the same time spent doing things

Nobody should iron Kate :o Seriously never having met the OP's DD1 I don't in reality know whether she can do her own laundry, obviously. However I am making a leap and assuming that as she has a part time job she can do (ironing free) laundry.

My kids ironed from starting secondary school. We helped from time to time if they had loads of homework/revision, but they were more than capable.

I think you should ignore age and give jobs according to ability. If DD1 isn't 'actually' 15 developmentally then she should be treated according to the age she actually is functioning at. And there will be plenty she can do.
I think they should both do jobs that contribute to family, like table laying, dishwashing, washing-up, hovering. And both should do jobs for themselves - whatever laundry jobs they are capable of, cleaning own room, changing own beds etc.

And if they don't do their own jobs, then they wear dirty/scruffy clothes and live in a tip.
If they don't do family jobs then they don't get extra spends (I don't believe in pocket money for jobs) or taxied somewhere or sleepovers - anything that puts you out, until they buckle up and help.

Either way the chore distribution should fair and equal, even where it cannot be identical. I think all posters agree on that. We can't suggest chores for an autistic 15 year old we haven't met, as there is no way of knowing her capabilities at all.

I think that being able to feel capable of and responsible for an appropriate set of household tasks is a really empowered thing for teenagers. Does DD2 ever shop for and cook the family meal, for example?

I have a friend whose elder DD has a disability, and I think as a result, both her DDs have always been expected to do less around the house than they would have been able to manage (although both are expected to keep the house extremely tidy, as mess could be dangerous to DD1). I think it's starting to impact on their capabilities to look after themselves, tbh - she doesn't trust DD2 to cook herself a plate of baked beans on toast without supervision, which I think is easily within the capabilities of a 15 year old.

Grendel that's within the capabilities of a (NT) 6 uear old (if they do the beans in the microwave not hob)!

I have four children. Three of them have disabilities. Everybody does something. One can't hoover, she does something else instead. They all iron, cook a bit, use the washing machine. They may need nagging and supervision to do some of this, but they do it.

If DD1 has two household chores she can do, give DD2 two chores too.

Leave her wear non ironed clothes. Lots of people dont iron.

I agree with Bonsoir.

I helped at a children's camp once with two sisters. The older was learning disabled, only about 18 months older. I think they were aged about 11 and 12.Everyone assumed they were totally devoted to each other, because they did everything together.

One evening I spent with the younger in tears. She felt responsible for her sister all the time, the mum used to expect that if she was going with friends etc she would take her sister-in fact her sister was too old for the camp, but had begged them to take both. But she never got to go anywhere alone with her mum, but if something came up for her sister she got farmed out. And things she wanted to do, often weren't suitable for her sister, so she couldn't do it. She was expected to do jobs round the house, her sister wasn't expected to.

She seemed to have disadvantages of being a little sister (like hand me down clothes) without many advantages.

From the little sister's point of view her sister got all, and she got the left overs. I think the dm could see that the older sister was going to be dependent on her always and was trying to make up for it.
But the reality was it was making her very resentful, and it was also effecting her friendships and making her more isolated too. As she said "my friends don't invite me to places because they don't want my sister, and I can't invite my friends because we always end up doing what my sister wants because my mum insists."

I know the camp leader, who we ended up going to talk to, was going to talk to the mum about allowing the younger more space. Unfortunately I don't think it went well.
Of all the children I saw in the camps I helped at, she's the one I think most often of.

I haven't raised a child with a disability (and don't have a teenager), and so therefore also not a sibling of a child with a disability, so forgive me if my thoughts are inappropriate. However, it occurred to me on reading the OP that as they grow older, there are going to be a lot of things that DD1 might not be able to do, that DD2 will be able to do, and actively want to do, for example social or leisure activities, some of which might not be suitable for DD1 depending on what they are.

Would it be worth having a grown conversation with DD2 about this now? In the sense of....you know there will always be differences between you and your sister, there are with all sisters, but perhaps especially where there are complications like with DD1. As you grow older I want you to have the full experience that a teenager and young adult should have, and part of that is having a little more independence, and learning to look after yourself a little more....etc.

OK, I'm probably being really naive in thinking that would work, but I wonder if she understands that helping at home is part and parcel of also being allowed to do other 'growing up' things like staying out later, going away with friends etc. then she might be more in favour. I think it would be useful to separate what she can/should do from what her sister can/should do.

D

Is there anything DD2 likes doing?

For example, my DC would relish sorting all the CDs and books out into categories, stocktaking cupboards. I know they are all different but perhaps you can utilise her interests somehow?

Are you sure dd1 can't manage more? Ds3 has pretty significant autism but can do his fair share of chores (obviously I'm not aware of how deafness impacts on chores) He can load and unload the dishwasher, clean the bathroom, clean the car, hoover, strip and change his bed, empty the bins, sort the recycling.
I think dd2 is likely to be miffed if she doesn't see dd1 doing her share tbh. With my others they are happy to make allowances for ds3 and will help him but they do tell him to do it himself if he's being lazy rather than struggling.
I wouldn't say you are doing dd1 any favours by allowing her so little responsibility and with support initially she should be able to do her fair share too.

I have had that convo frequently with DD2 del but she isn't interested. everything is measured by her to the n th degree. If DD1 manages to get away without brushing her teeth for instance, you can bet that even though DD 2 is in front of the telly downstairs she knows and will also not brush her teeth. If DD1 leaves the kitchen without putting her plate in the dishwasher, DD2 will do the same until they are both called back. I have explained until I'm blue in the face their huge differences but for now it's all about being as idle as possible.

DD1 works full days voluntarily doing the only thing she is interested in but DD2 is still reluctant to do any jobs. I have a new pocket money system whereby they can earn on top of their basic but DD thinks this is grossly unfair, so does nothing