One DD disabled, one not. Help please on appropriate jobs for them!

[Gymbob]

DD 15 is disabled. She's not your usual teen. She is deaf with autistic traits and very difficult to manage. DD 2 is 14 and high achieving. DD 1 does jobs she can manage like walking the dog and washing up. DD 2 is capable of so much more and it has been suggested to me that I am doing her no favours by letting her get off so lightly at home.

This morning I asked her to do jobs as DD1 out working all day. Hit the roof. Also said that from now on rid will be doing her own ironing. She said she would not and would wear creased clothes!

AIBU what would you do?

Treating a child at age they are functioning at doesnt work if they have autism.

My DD may function at a 2 or 3 year old level developmentally but she can't do tasks a 2 or 3 year old can due to her processing issues.

Is there a specific reason why a 15yo deaf teen with autistic traits can't iron?

I'm fully intending on teaching my 10yo with cerebral palsy to iron. Whether she chooses to as an adult is very much a personal thing... I'm a firm believer in extending life skills to all my kids - you just have to work out HOW they can manage certain things. I'm baffled why the dd1 in this instance is unable to iron, tbh.

My 12yo with autistic traits can iron (but chooses not to). Clearly all kids with autistic traits are different, but tbh, it's the being forced to do something you don't want to that's the issue with my ASD almost teen, not a physically incapability to do the stuff. I'm guessing from the 'difficult to manage' comment that you are just choosing to let dd1 off these tasks for an easier life for you? To be honest, that's not doing dd1 any favours. At 15 she needs to be getting to grips with life skills.

Does she have access to camhs? Do you have access to her support workers so that you can discuss how dd1 can be approached about life skills? If her issues are sensory, does she still have access to an OT?

How is she being taught life skills at the moment? Are school involved?

I have to say that I don't think dd2 is the problem here, sorry.

We do have inequality in tasks in this house due to dd2's disability, but they are gradually eroding as she gets older. I let her carry crockery now lol... She could only clear the table of plastic stuff before!!

Hang on - you said 'autistic traits' which is usually a euphemism for 'does not have a recognised ASD dx but has recognise able traits'. That's very different from functioning at a 2-3 yo level, and makes life harder, but these kids really do need a good selection of life skills as they won't be getting much support as adults.

Gym DD2 having to do chores she hates while DD1 does voluntary work she loves does sound unfair though - they are separate things surely? Obviously it is really hard to comment as your Dd1 could be capable of loads or very little, we don't know - but if she can work she must be able to do some not fascinating chores to even things up with DD2.

True.

I was answering an earlier poster.

But I do think it's not as simple as going by developmental or cognitive age if they have ASD

And kids are all different. Dd has a few "able traits" too :)

I agree with Madwoman. Ds3 if allowed to get away with it would do very little chore wise however the rule in our house is that everyone does their share and so to get internet access he has to complete his chores first. Of course he has had the odd day where he has tried it on but he didn't get on the internet until they were done so he was only hurting himself.

she is terrified of the iron mad also of the oven and hob as they are hot.

When I say DD1 can't do stuff it's not just jobs I just mentioned its also the problem that whatever I ask is an insurmountable task and she will just lay on the floor next to it or hang upside down. I once told her she couldn't come out of I her room until she had cleaned it and she was still there at 4pm looking at it

Gym maybe you need to teach her tasks bit by bit like I did ds. Sometimes the whole task is too much to contemplate but that doesn't mean that it can't be achieved.
When ds was younger telling him to tidy his room would have been met with the same reaction he needed teaching to do it bit by bit. So I would say put the cars in the box with the car label. Put the trains in the box with the train label and go through each thing bit by bit. It took a while but now I say tidy your room and he knows the list of tasks to do to get the job done.
It's not that dd1 can't do it she just needs supporting to enable her to do it.

As someone who has a disabled sibling and whose DM did everything with regards to housework I can firmly state that OP will be doing her DD no favours by 'giving her a break' and doing things for her.

I left home knowing the very basics. We'll not even that, I couldn't cook for toffee. I still have issues now with time management and remembering to do certain jobs. I'm not blaming my DM for that, by the way, merely stating that her doing everything, for whatever reason, did not put me in very good stead for independent living.

I agree that picking chores for them to do that take the same time may be the way forward. That is unless your older DD needs a lot of extra time for things. I know there were some things (like homework etc) that took a lot longer for my DBro to do than me. Perhaps you could make sure they both have sufficient free time while also balancing the amount of jobs they do?

But as you've already told her she has to do her own ironing then stick with it and let her go creased if she chooses. Maybe in a couple of weeks you could sit down with her and discuss what she thinks would be reasonable jobs etc and set up a bit of rota or list. Hopefully by including her, she'll be more willing to listen.

She sounds very like ds1.

You need to get her some desensitisation stuff via camhs. Get a decent therapist to work on the fear of ovens and irons with her. It took ds1 two years to get over his fear of public washrooms. He would rather soil himself and avoid the issue than use an unfamiliar bathroom. This is acceptable in a 4 year old, but not in an 11 year old.

So, I'm familiar with seemingly impossible tasks - but don't give up - time to work out how to get over this phobia.

What about putting a (small) pile of stuff next to her while watching TV to put on hangers?

Sort cutlery or plates from dishwasher into cupboards with someone else whilst listening to favourite music, all manner of dancing allowed?

Sorting piles of socks into balls whilst watching TV / listening to music?

Peeing spuds and carrots in front of TV / to music?

Emptying waste baskets into recycle bin?

Wheeling bins round to front on bin day?

Doing a job with someone can also make it more interesting. They can choose the topic on conversation. Maybe a wish list would be a good starting point topic of conversation?

As far a tidying room goes, perhaps if you break it down it would be easier?

1. Dirty stuff in wash basket.
2. Pile of clothes for wardrobe
3. Rubbish in bin
4. Clothes on hangers
5. Clothes in wardrobe

All can be done separately.

I think that both children should be doing chores according to their own unique capabilites.
Allowances should be made if she is helping dd1 for example, but other than that,no, you are doing dd2 no favour by letting her off.

They are two seperate people, with individual needs.

60 or 70 years ago, children left school at 14 to go out to work.
There shouldnt be that much left that a 14 year old person cannot manage, chore wise.

Our pocket money works on you doing your chores and doing them with good grace or you lose some.

my dd1 does not have a disabled sibling. she is naturally lazy and nothing i did for a solid 9 years made the slightest difference to this state of affairs. i took stuff away, refused to do it and so on until i retired in defeat. thankfully she is now at uni. last time home she cleaned our bathroom throughly, without being asked.

I have had that convo frequently with DD2 del but she isn't interested. everything is measured by her to the n th degree. If DD1 manages to get away without brushing her teeth for instance, you can bet that even though DD 2 is in front of the telly downstairs she knows and will also not brush her teeth. If DD1 leaves the kitchen without putting her plate in the dishwasher, DD2 will do the same until they are both called back. I have explained until I'm blue in the face their huge differences but for now it's all about being as idle as possible.

Eh, that seems typical. She won't fully understand it until she's an adult, unfortunately. Right now though, she's testing you to make sure she gets the same treatment as her sister to make sure you love them equally and aren't playing favorites. Her brain is still developing, teens frontal lobes aren't fully developed so she won't be thinking much outside herself or instant gratification for a few years.

It is a bit unfair that DD1 gets all the chores she likes doing and DD2 gets all the left overs. What if DD2 wants to walk the dogs instead?

I'd sit down with both of them (or DD1) and establish a chore chart and they can both pick their own separate chores or days. Then make them stick to it. Also, if DD2 is going to be getting more chores, you need to give her more privileges than her sister (in a way that's fair) to make up for it. Like getting dropped off at the mall to shop for a bit with her allowance, something DD1 can't do. If that makes sense. If you treat them "unfairly" with the cruddy stuff like chores, you have to treat them "unfairly" with the good stuff too.

Think of it this way, you'd be upset if you worked harder than your coworker but still got paid the same amount, yes?

I'm interested in learning some of the Executive Skills I seemed to not pick up as a child/teenager and ended up getting a parenting book about it, to see if I could parent myself into managing to do things. The book I went for was "Smart but Scattered" (its American but I'm sure there will be other ones out there if it doesn't appeal to you).

Anyway, it talks about meeting the child where they are in terms of their skills even if they are behind their peers, and gradually helping them to need less support. Its recognising that each task and area of their lives involves a set of skills that needs to be worked on.

So from memory, the general approach is to appreciate that often a task they are struggling with which seems obvious is actually a series of tasks which require certain skills that they are lacking, you break the task down into smaller chunks which initially need a lot of supervision, then fading that supervision and giving them the skills to manage their own tasks.

So tidying the room. You'd sit down together and make a check list of all the tasks that need to be done to tidy the bedroom (e.g. put dirty clothes in the wash basket, clean clothes folded/hung away, put books on the shelves, return dishes to the kitchen, dust, vacum - each task in however much detail it needs to be for the child). Then you go through it at whatever their current ability allows - which might mean lots of supervising and encouragement, doing it together etc. Gradually you move from helping a lot, to prompting them to look at what's next on the list themselves and eventually just checking that it's been done at the end.

It deals with all sorts of issues, not just getting them to keep their room tidy and organising themselves. I don't know what level your daughter would be at or capable of achieving, but you start with where she is and just build on it from there.

The sibling stuff is more complicated, wanting to be fair to two teens with different needs must be difficult. But they wont be measuring themselves against each other for ever, they both need to develop the skills they can.

Its worth saying that the approach in the book (breaking things down into smaller tasks, supervising them then fading the supervision) isn't just for kids with particular difficulties, it can help NT children learn things they might just have missed.

I agree with Princess that they are still developing at this point. My mum says that she's learnt a lot more about teenage development since I was a teen and now realises why some things were difficult. She does things differently with my youngest brother now, and is careful not to set him up for failure. So she won't ask him to do something while she's out and he's distracted and likely to forget and then have a go about it later - she'll ask him to do it while she's there and she has his attention.

PrincessBabyCat has got it spot on! My eldest sibling is mentally and physically disabled and I still get annoyed at how my nan would make such a big deal over my sister doing the smallest of chores and either ignoring me or expecting me to be a skivvy. Luckily my mum was much fairer about chores.
Don't let your DD2 become resentful at you being unfair with the distribution of chores.

Why not just be fair and treat them equally on this one. Take the chores they can both do, like washing up, and swap alternate days. Leave the chores they can't both do, like ironing, as something you do. But I would just not do the ironing, works in this family.

Just also check your 14 year old can iron, cook etc for when she leaves home. This can be done without it being a daily chore to resent.

I resent the amount of chores I did as a child to this day and so I show my kids how to cook and clean etc and include them, but their daily load is very light.

Being fair is NOT treating all people the same.

Of course. But that's the logic and understanding of an adult brain.

Now look at it with a child brain.

A sibling is given less chores because mom insists they "can't" do something. You are told this sibling is disadvantaged and has a disability. But even though they can't do as many chores, you don't see how they're disadvantaged because they get the same privileges as you. Same screen time, same bed time, same house rules. This disability only gets them out of doing crappy stuff that you have to pick up the slack for. It doesn't seem to limit their fun time. You don't see how it limits them because as a child, you haven't yet been able to live on your own or understand how you will one day take for granted the independence that your sibling can't have.