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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think they should want to spend time with their grandchildren without me having to ask?

56 replies

aaarghgoingcrazy · 29/05/2014 20:56

Hey guys have NC for this as not sure if MIL uses MN. Long story short have three DC aged 9, 7 and 1. Had first dd living up north and when I got pregnant with ds said to my dh that I wanted to "go home" to where both my parents and PILs live because as a child I always hated living so far from my grandparents and always felt jealous of the kids whose grandparents picked them up from school and took them home for tea. Anyway fast forward 7 years and whilst my parents are very involved in our dcs lives my PIL are very distant still, they will watch the children if I ask them too but it always comes from me they never ring me to ask to see the children, we see them most Sundays but other than that I never hear from them at all all week. Obviously this week has been half term so I have had all three kids to myself all week and even though they are both retired I have not heard a word from them, I even heard from my dad that he saw them at a local wildlife park on Tuesday (he goes everyday coz he is a birdwatcher) would it really have been that much of an effort to ring me up and ask if the two big kids fancied going? (I have given up on asking them if they want to take the baby, she is too much work) the last time the kids had time off school I very casually said to them "if you want to do anything with dd1 and ds just let me know" and my FIL got a bit huffy and said "well consider us told" which made me feel like they thought I was try to push the kids on them, so this holiday I didn't say anything about them taking the kids just mentioned that they were off for the week and well now it's Thursday night and I haven't heard anything from them. I just feel for them that their grandchildren are an inconvenience that they will tolerate if they HAVE to but that they genuinely don't enjoy spending time with them which just makes me really sad. Maybe IABU and that you will say I should just awaken them but I feel I shouldn't have to ask them to spend time with their grandchildren.

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 29/05/2014 21:03

You can't force them to want to do it. Maybe they don't enjoy it. My FiL is indifferent about our kids. He's never done anything with them alone ever, nor do I expect him to to. He has his own life. Doesn't bother me.

mummy1973 · 29/05/2014 21:03

Uabu in some ways. You can't will them to want to spend time with your children...it has to come from them. It would be nice for you to see a close relationship but maybe they do feel that once a week is enough.

ecuse · 29/05/2014 21:07

Once a week seems like quite a lot to me - do you instigate that, or do they?

Mrsjayy · 29/05/2014 21:14

Yan u to want them to spend time witn them yanbu to feel sad about yabu to expect them to want too this comes from bitter experience let it go , my grandmother loved spending time with us there was over 20 she helped my mum out and various aunts with childcare and just because I really thought my mum would be the same she isnt and when dds were little it really hurt me I wanted mine to have the nan experience I had, sorry for rambling but just wanted to say you are not alone my parents are quite happy to see dd when they want a lift ffom her though Hmm

zippey · 29/05/2014 21:15

Not everyone likes children around, and they can be hard work. They may feel like they have done their fair share of child rearing and now are looking forward to relaxing in their later years. Who is to say they don't deserve a little bit of down time in their twilight? I don't think they need to help you if they don't want to, and even then, once a week is a lot of time to spend with your GC.

Happydutchmummy · 29/05/2014 21:18

Uabu.. they see the grandkids nearly every Sunday already. I'd consider that plenty involved enough, add to that the fact they are aware that your parents are available to help out a lot on top of that and I see no need for them to try and see you all more often . Do the dc get in well with them and enjoy themselves on the Sundays?

ForeskinHyena · 29/05/2014 21:19

Having 3 DCs is a lot of work for someone our age, for older people without the energy or recent experience it could be too much. They see them every week, so it's not as if they don't have any input into their lives, I think you're being a bit U.

When my DM was alive she looked after my DS once every few months if I asked her, but she would get really tired after a full day with him and would end up phoning me to see when I was coming to collect him!

I am very fond of my DNs but wouldn't voluntarily offer to spend time with them, I'm busy with my own DCs. It's doesn't mean I don't like them, I just enjoy having them around while we interact as a family, but my DB and SIL are responsible for them!

expatinscotland · 29/05/2014 21:24

YABU.

Pancakeflipper · 29/05/2014 21:28

Maybe MIL is an MN'er and read all those threads about grandparents who never leave them alone and take over?

If they are involved when you ask then I would put it down to them not wanting to annoy you with their 'interference'

HaLOL · 29/05/2014 21:38

My parents moan about not seeing the GCs, but then don't do anything to arrange to see them. Has been like this for the last 10 years. Every now and then a row will erupt over it because I get sick of doing all the arranging and putting all the effort it. Then it blows over. Nothing changes. I've given up now.

Topaz25 · 29/05/2014 21:42

TBH I think you are being a bit U in your expectations. Seeing their grandchildren once a week and being available to watch them hardly seems distant to me! Maybe they don't want to tread on your toes so wait for you to let them know when it is convenient.

LindyHemming · 29/05/2014 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

punter · 29/05/2014 21:56

I think you have support from your PILs and they see the children regularly. Btw you have given plenty of info so that if MiL is on MN and reads it she will surely work it out even with NC.

cheminotte · 29/05/2014 21:57

Once a week seems plenty, but then we see the gps 6 times a year at most!

SageMist · 29/05/2014 21:58

My parents behave the same as your PIL. I take dd to see them almost every week and I ask if they would like to babysit or have dd for some of the school holidays. They usually say yes, but they rarely ask for dd to go and stay with them.
Where you and I differ is how we view this. I think my parents are great, fully involved grandparents, who have a very close and loving relationship with dd.
But they are not pushy or demanding, and I really appreciate that.

HuglessDouglas · 29/05/2014 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rupertandfifi · 29/05/2014 22:07

I think you notice this more as your dp are available to babysit and are so involved with your dc.
It sounds like the one weekly meet up suits them just fine. It's more than my dc see fil. They have seen him twice in the last 3 years. They have no idea who he is.

HappyMummyOfOne · 29/05/2014 22:10

YABVU, they see them weekly and also babysit when asked. It's plenty. They don't need to do childcare to build a relationship with them.

They have raised their children it's now their time to do what they want not gain three children again. That's your and DHs role.

ClashCityRocker · 29/05/2014 22:21

Sorry but I agree with the others.

Once a week is plenty, for a lot of people. Certainly, more than most kids I know.
FILs response to you saying/suggesting he takes the kids out signifies that he, at least, is happy with things as they are and feels like they see enough of them. Do your kids want to see more of their grandparents?

Some people do find children hard work. You might find their relationship to the DC changes as they get older - my Grammy was indifferent to small children, but fantastic when we were old enough to have 'adult' conversations.

RevoltingPeasant · 29/05/2014 23:35

YABU and I can't believe you are commenting on how they spend their leisure time Shock please don't mention to them that your parents are reporting back!

You see them once a week. That is quite a lot, you know. Maybe they find your children difficult and reading between the lines it does sound as though you go on at them quite a lot. Maybe back off a bit, sounds as though you are annoying them.

Dancergirl · 29/05/2014 23:52

Also think YABU but I totally get where you're coming from as I feel a bit like you do myself.

Once a week is loads, and also your own parents are very involved which is good. Just for comparison, my mum is widowed and is getting on a bit. She isn't in brilliant health and despite living about half an hour away we rarely see her. She doesn't like visitors at all and rarely comes to us.

PIL live a good hour away. We used to see them quite a bit when the dc were small but now it's more difficult with their weekend activities etc. FIL is not very hands on at all and as we've got girls he says he doesn't have much in common with them Sad

So on one side my dds have a grandma they barely see and on the other, grandparents they don't see that often either. Am I disappointed? Yes of course. I grew up without grandparents and I want my dds to have everything I didn't have, that's very normal. But dh reminds me that sometimes we have unrealistic expectations and things could be a lot worse.

It's lovely that your own parents are so involved, focus on that. Maybe your PIL could come WITH you on a day out somewhere.

mimishimmi · 30/05/2014 00:27

Once a week is seeing them a fair bit. What exactly are you hoping from them? Do they have elderly parents they need to care for too? I see quite a few grandparents sandwiched in the 60-70s age group where they are getting demands for their time from both their children in their forties who have just started having young kids (and would prefer unpaid childcare) and from their parents in their late 80s -90s who, even if they have assistance, often expect their children to take them to appointments, drop by 4 times a day for tea etc.

sandgrown · 30/05/2014 00:48

Yanbu. I see my DGC about 3 times a week and more in hols when we usually do something with their mum but sometimes alone. It is tiring but I love spending time with them. I do have friends who are very "coupled" and do everything together and their DGC have to fit into their routine!

wafflyversatile · 30/05/2014 01:04

Seeing them once a week is perfectly normal for many families. They are under no obligation to take them off your hands and it does sound like you are pushing them onto them. They have dune their child rearing. You can't force a relationship.

Amber76 · 30/05/2014 08:59

I understand why you are sad about it. My pils only see my two when we make the hour plus journey to them. Otherwise I think months would go by without us seeing them. And my mil would often phone my husband but not ask after kids at all. She is sort of indifferent to them. And this is the same woman who professes to adore her own four sons and tries to be very involved/controlling of their lives.

Just a little rant - when mil does see kids she gives them way too many sweets and then expects them to disappear so that she can sit and talk to adults.

My grandparents died when I was young but I do have some nice memories of them. Its completely their loss. A grandparent can be a wonderful person for a child growing up but only if they genuinely want to be part of their lives.