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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think they should want to spend time with their grandchildren without me having to ask?

56 replies

aaarghgoingcrazy · 29/05/2014 20:56

Hey guys have NC for this as not sure if MIL uses MN. Long story short have three DC aged 9, 7 and 1. Had first dd living up north and when I got pregnant with ds said to my dh that I wanted to "go home" to where both my parents and PILs live because as a child I always hated living so far from my grandparents and always felt jealous of the kids whose grandparents picked them up from school and took them home for tea. Anyway fast forward 7 years and whilst my parents are very involved in our dcs lives my PIL are very distant still, they will watch the children if I ask them too but it always comes from me they never ring me to ask to see the children, we see them most Sundays but other than that I never hear from them at all all week. Obviously this week has been half term so I have had all three kids to myself all week and even though they are both retired I have not heard a word from them, I even heard from my dad that he saw them at a local wildlife park on Tuesday (he goes everyday coz he is a birdwatcher) would it really have been that much of an effort to ring me up and ask if the two big kids fancied going? (I have given up on asking them if they want to take the baby, she is too much work) the last time the kids had time off school I very casually said to them "if you want to do anything with dd1 and ds just let me know" and my FIL got a bit huffy and said "well consider us told" which made me feel like they thought I was try to push the kids on them, so this holiday I didn't say anything about them taking the kids just mentioned that they were off for the week and well now it's Thursday night and I haven't heard anything from them. I just feel for them that their grandchildren are an inconvenience that they will tolerate if they HAVE to but that they genuinely don't enjoy spending time with them which just makes me really sad. Maybe IABU and that you will say I should just awaken them but I feel I shouldn't have to ask them to spend time with their grandchildren.

OP posts:
FraidyCat · 30/05/2014 09:00

You do sound like you are trying to push your children onto them. You should stop asking and hinting and leave it to them to invite if they want to, in the full knowledge that they probably never will.

They have no obligation to see your children at all, and there's nothing wrong with not wanting to. Many adults do not long to spend several unnecessary hours with small children, not even their own, let alone someone else's.

HappyMummyOfOne · 30/05/2014 09:18

Given the oldest two are at school and your own parents are involved with them a lot plus PILs see them once a week, when do they actually get time with just their parents? Surely if PIL were any more involved then they would always be out of the house.

Pushing children on people never works, it just causes resentment and makes them feel taken advantage of.

Pagwatch · 30/05/2014 09:22

Yabu
They see them once a week.
Your wish that they wanted to spend more time with them is completely understandable but they don't. People are different. Once a week is a lot to many people

Boaty · 30/05/2014 09:28

I would love to see the GC once a week! Envy

NewNameForSpring · 30/05/2014 09:29

Once a week? Different families have different ideas of how much time together is good. Once a week sounds loads to lots of people, me included. No good flogging a dead horse. Accept what you are offered, which seems fine to many. Be thankful you have your own parents involved.

Preciousbane · 30/05/2014 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oldgrandmama · 30/05/2014 09:37

Gosh, once a week sounds great. You are being a little bit U.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 30/05/2014 10:13

YABVU, they already see them once a week!

Original poster
aaarghgoingcrazy · 30/05/2014 10:20

I will accept that IABU maybe expecting too much and as some people have said different people have different ideas of what is a lot of contact. I personally don't think once a week is a lot when we live 5 minutes from them. I want to be clear as well I am not expecting them to take the children off my hands I would be happy to go to PILs with the children or for us all to go on trips together, I am not expecting free childcare. I do understand that it is their free time and their life maybe I have an idea in my head of what their relationship with their GC should be and IABU as this is an unrealistic idea and can't blame them for that I just wish that it didn't always come from me.

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 30/05/2014 10:25

My mum adores my kids and loves to see them, but even she only comes once a week as she has a busy life, other family members to care for and so on. She also helps out when asked, but I think we are lucky to see her once a week! Many people say to me how lucky we are to see her so regularly.

I don't think they are doing anything wrong, if they are unenthusiastic when they are actually there, that's different. They may just like the regular once a week and are happy to help out further if you specifically ask. This is certainly not neglectful grandparenting.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 30/05/2014 10:27

I think many families don't ask as they don't want to intrude. My mum sticks with her regular day, but wouldn't offer more, would wait for me to ask. She doesn't want to interfere too much in our family life and would always encourage us to do stuff as a family together rather than trying to impose their own plans.

Pagwatch · 30/05/2014 10:39

I think it is to do with your vision of what the grandparent/grandchild relationship should look like, and that is understandable.

I wonder as well if you feel almost as if it is a rejection/snub of your children? Because that will make it harder not to feel upset about it.

My PIL don't see my dc. They live 15 minutes from our home, they are retired and could come over literally anytime they wanted. FIL spent the whole day with DH last week at the cricket - there really is no reaon but they simply don't come over ( we didn't talk for a few years but that is history and really does not affect this current lack of contact)

Dd is 11 and has met her grandparents once.
They are just not interested - never have been. I was angry and upset for a long time I think. I couldn't understand how they could be ambivalent but they were.
Eventually I realised that is just them. I could have the most gorgeous, astonishing children in the world and they still wouldn't come. They just don't really like chikdren.
Now ds1 is 20 they try to communicate/see him but of course he isn't interested.

Honestly, you can't change people and you can't take it as an insult. Once a week is great tbh.

MrsGoslingWannabe · 30/05/2014 10:42

Ha I've just asked MIL if she would like DD this afternoon as I feel like crap. She never offers which I do find odd.

MrsGoslingWannabe · 30/05/2014 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notso · 30/05/2014 10:44

I don't think YABU for wanting your DC to be 'wanted'. If you had a particular relationship with your GP you may expect the same for your DC, or maybe you didn't and want better for your DC.
I think if you are going everything to open yourself up to offers and they aren't you just have to accept they and make the best of what you have.

MaryWestmacott · 30/05/2014 10:50

from all my friends with DCs, the only ones who see their parents/PIL more than once a week is when the grandparents are providing childcare. Once a week is a lot compared to most families, you go every sunday, they probably don't ask to see them more because they feel it's enough.

You must remember, their DS moved away which they were happy with and used to, the probably aren't the sort of family who feel the need to see each other all the time, if so, then your demands to effectively want them to become the sort of family who live in each other's pockets is going to be seen as a bit odd. They are seeing their DS and DGC far more than they probably expected to, seeing them weekly.

You didn't see your grandparents all the time growing up because they didnt live close, did your DH's grandparents live close and how often did he see them?

Pagwatch · 30/05/2014 10:50

She probably never offers because she sees them once a week and she knows you ask.

Honestly, I think you need to stop expecting them to behave as you think they should.

gamerchick · 30/05/2014 10:57

Some kids have the grandparents who squabble about who spends the most time with them and some don't. It's sad but it's the way it is.

My mother will have my youngest if asked but I do chuckle to myself when it's the school holidays and she doesn't ring me daily as usual. It's only as they get much older she's enjoys my kids.

Stop trying to force it.. They clearly don't want the big happy family scenario you have in your head where you spend loads of time together and all raising your kids.

pictish · 30/05/2014 10:57

My mil lives just around the corner but she rarely instigates seeing the kids. She will have them, and by all accounts enjoy them, at our request (infrequent), but offers are generally not forthcoming.

Fil's involvement (split up from mil many years ago) is even more scant.

Seems a shame.

pictish · 30/05/2014 10:59

Can something be 'more scant'?
I don't know...but I know what I meant.

RockinHippy · 30/05/2014 11:02

YANBU for WANTING them to want a closer relationship with your DCs for you DCs sake , but sadly YABU for EXPECTING them to.

You need to stop projecting what you feel you missed out on as a child onto your DCs - by the sounds of it your own parents are very involved & that is more than a lot have, your PIL May come round when the DCs are older & closer to adulthood, some people are just rubbish with kids.

I too had a fantastic relationship with my own MGPs, my own parents live far away & weren't best placed for a healthy role model for DD anyway, but I too thought GPs had an important role to play & had hoped MIL would want to be involved - MIL however turned out to be worse that yours - no interest at all & as a result some quite scary ideas on child rearing - trust me once a week is a LOT - once very 6 months was more likely from ours & then she just complained all the way through about how spoilt she thought DD was, when she certainly isn't Hmm

Roll forward 12 years & DD is a very mature preteen - MIL now wants to see much more of her & complains when we do see her that DD shows little interest in her, even though she's always polite etc, DD just doesn't feel she knows her well enough, or that she's an important figure to her & sadly that's how MIL has made it - you reap what you sow

Pagwatch · 30/05/2014 11:04

I would use 'more scant' in that context. But I'm a numpty so I'm not sure that helps Grin

People are baffling. My PIL bore people with news of what my dc are up to in spite of never seeing them.

parallax80 · 30/05/2014 11:04

Scantier?

My mum and PIL each live about 5 hours travel from us, at opposite ends of the country. This allows me to indulge in occasional fantasies about how we would indulge in big happy family scenarios, if only we lived nearer each other, without actually having to negotiate any of these scenarios in real life Smile. As we all apply the 'guests are like fish' rules to visiting, I suspect this arrangement suits everyone else as well.

AnyoneforTurps · 30/05/2014 11:13

OP, I think you may be projecting your childhood fantasy about lots of contact with GPs onto your PIL. It's lovely if GP and GC are close but contact once a week is far more than most families manage. And not every GP-GC relationship is idyllic - one of my DGM was rather hard work - I would have hated to see her every day!

Bear in mind that an age range of 1 to 9 is hard work for anyone, let alone an older couple who haven't done hands-on childcare for a couple of decades.

VenusDeWillendorf · 30/05/2014 11:23

OP I think that while your fantasy of everyone living in a village, and seeing each other everyday, it's just that, a fantasy- albeit a nice one, just not the reality of the situation.

Once a week is plenty imvho.

My dcs see their granddad twice a year, and grand mother twice a year (divorced) and their other grandmother every few weeks - never alone as she's not up to that, other grandfather is dead.

If you want to see your parents why don't you invite them over to dinner in yours. Pushing kids onto grandparents who see plenty of them is a recipe for unhappiness, especially if its fueled by a fantasy.

Your father sound like he likes his peace and quiet if he's a birder. Nothing worse than having kids along if you want to see birds. Very annoying actually!!

Maybe be a bit more realistic, and invite them to yours if you want to see them more.