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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about a nanny share/ sick child- need some perspective

77 replies

deliverdaniel · 28/05/2014 17:36

We have a nanny to look after our baby three mornings a week. Every now and then a friend will ask to 'drop in' on our nanny share with their daughter, which is absolutely fine with us and the nanny. It's a very informal arrangement and has just happened a handful of times. Just wondering what the protocol should be when they are sick. This morning, our friend's kid was supposed to drop in on the share, but our baby was throwing up in the morning. I knew the nanny was very reluctant to take care of two kids when one was ill- she didn't say outright that she wouldn'nt but I knew she wasn't happy about it, and I don't want to upset her, as we really want to keep her goodwill. I told the other mum that he was ill, but she didn't offer to keep her kid home, and said that she needed to send her as she needed to work. so I ended up saying the nanny should just go to their house instead (even though I needed to work too). BUt now I'm feeling a bit aggrieved, as she is our nanny and so I feel as though we should have first dibs. What do other people think? I know we should have worked this out in advance, and we will now, but what do people think is a fair policy?

Also, who should now pay? She charges a bit extra to watch two of them which we usually split which makes it a bit cheaper for each than the one child rate. SHould the other family pay the one child rate (more) for today when our baby is not there, or should we still pay half each?

What do people think is fair?

Thanks so much.

OP posts:

coppertop · 28/05/2014 17:50

It's your nanny so surely your child should take priority?

If the other child is being looked after alone then their parents should pay the one child rate.

heraldgerald · 28/05/2014 17:53

I think you are unnecessarily making life more difficult for your self with this third person arrangement. I'd put a stop to it.

heraldgerald · 28/05/2014 17:55

Sorry I misunderstood your post! Ignore me

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 28/05/2014 17:56

thanks very much. It just started off as an informal agreement with a friend to help them out, which I am happy to do, just feeling slightly aggrieved that now I can't work today etc, even though it is our nanny (I know this is my own fault btw for offering) The other mum didn't act like I was doing her a favour- more that it was totally right that we should be the ones to step down, so wanted a bit of perspective from other people. Thanks!

OP posts:

heraldgerald · 28/05/2014 17:57

Sorry I misunderstood your post! Ignore me

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 28/05/2014 17:57

I think you should get first dibs

I think if you don't then they should pay for today.

I also think that this sounds like a PITA for you and unless you really need to cut back on costs that this is making your life more difficult.

Billygoats · 28/05/2014 17:58

I agree with other posters, she's your nanny and its over complicated. Tell her to get her own nanny.

I can't believe you actually let her have your nanny for the day. You should have put your foot down.

heraldgerald · 28/05/2014 17:58

Ah I get it. No your Nanny you the priority!

goshhhhhh · 28/05/2014 17:58

Do they only pay when they use the nanny? If so she is your nanny as your responsibility. If so then she is YOUR nanny & you need to be clearer with your friend, e.g. dc is sick today so it is not convenient. I suspect your nannies contract is with you.

WhoDaresWins · 28/05/2014 17:59

Of course you should have first dibs! She's your nanny and you're the one who has to faff about paying NI etc.

Either stop sharing, get tougher about when you're willing to share or make it into a more formal nanny share arrangement with your friend taking on some of the employer stuff.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 28/05/2014 18:00

I think you need either a formal nanny share agreement (which might include the nanny agreeing to look after both kids when one is sick) or you need to have "priority" (and maybe pay slightly more than half on ad hoc days.

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 28/05/2014 18:00

yes, she is our nanny- contract is with us etc. I did feel bad for the other mum, as she had already paid for her other kid to go to nursery an extra day and was counting on the nanny share for the older one today so she could work, so felt bad saying no at the last minute, but then again, I need to work too, and now can't. Argh.

OP posts:

WhoDaresWins · 28/05/2014 18:01

The problem is that your friend is now coming to rely on the arrangement, which is why it's getting into difficulties.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 28/05/2014 18:01

And yes, she should pay all today as she deprived you of the service.

TheHouseatWhoCorner · 28/05/2014 18:02

It seems madness to even think about paying half for today, you have been massively inconvenienced even though she'syour nanny!
Surely the fairest agreement going forward would be that your friend fits in around your arrangements, and that if there is a sickness situation that your friend has to find other emergency childcare.
You might find that your Nanny was a bit miffed at having her 'charge' change like this.

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 28/05/2014 18:03

yes, that is definitely true that she is relying on it, even though it doesn't happen very often. I can totally see that it is really annoying if it breaks down at the last minute, but then I can't help feeling that they should be the ones to bear that annoyance not us. I know she thinks that I should have just pushed the nanny to look after both kids, which she probably would have done if asked, but I really want to keep the nanny's goodwill and not to have unreasonable expectations.

OP posts:

longtallsally2 · 28/05/2014 18:04

An annoyance but not a major problem today then, but a chance for you to review the arrangement now, so that you don't miss any more work. You should set out the groundrules so that it doesn't happen again, unless you value the friendship/informal arrangement more than having to miss work, of course . . .

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 28/05/2014 18:05

Put an end to the arrangement now, you and the Nanny are being put upon by your 'friend'

Be assertive and tell her this incident has made you re evaluate the arrangement.

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 28/05/2014 18:05

TheHouseatWhoCorner thanks, yes, i think the nanny probably was a bit miffed, but then just wanted to minimise the 'miffedness' and didn't know whether it was worse for her to look after both kids when one was sick, or jsut the other one. I should have been firmer with my friend but it was awkward as she was obviously desperate for childcare, and we live next door to them so really don't want to get into a bad feeling situation with them either.

OP posts:

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 28/05/2014 18:06

Well, in a formal share the nanny might take both but then your friend would have to pay half even if she didn't need the days, would have to pay holiday pay etc

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 28/05/2014 18:07

she won't go for a formal share, as she only needs it on an ad hoc basis

OP posts:

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 28/05/2014 18:07

Then she doesn't get the benefits of a formal share!

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 28/05/2014 18:10

You need to either nip this in the bud and just stick to your contract OR sit down with nanny and other family and arrange a formal nanny share with contract/equal share of tax on appropriate days with clear input from both families

when an informal nanny share starts, ime, its starts well but then niggles and issues start to appear and someone (the contracted family nornally) gets pissed off because the nanny is quite rightly "theirs" iygwim

and tbh if it starts getting tense or issues arise, your nanny will feel extremely uncomfortable and it really does become a crap time at work-not blaming you btw!!

(I'm a nanny and have been in your nannys position)

Gen35 · 28/05/2014 18:11

Your friend is being pushy, I can see how it's hard for her of she's already forked out for one dc but also, I don't think it is actually reasonable to expect your nanny to look after a sick baby and another child. Either a formal equitable arrangement or you have to make it clear that it's your nanny, your rules and next time your dc gets looked after, not both.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 28/05/2014 18:12

Honestly, I would say its either done formally-a contract between both families and nanny and tax etc sorted or nothing at all.

one of you will start resenting another (be it parent-nanny/nanny-parent/parent-parent) and it'll all go sour

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