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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about a nanny share/ sick child- need some perspective

77 replies

deliverdaniel · 28/05/2014 17:36

We have a nanny to look after our baby three mornings a week. Every now and then a friend will ask to 'drop in' on our nanny share with their daughter, which is absolutely fine with us and the nanny. It's a very informal arrangement and has just happened a handful of times. Just wondering what the protocol should be when they are sick. This morning, our friend's kid was supposed to drop in on the share, but our baby was throwing up in the morning. I knew the nanny was very reluctant to take care of two kids when one was ill- she didn't say outright that she wouldn'nt but I knew she wasn't happy about it, and I don't want to upset her, as we really want to keep her goodwill. I told the other mum that he was ill, but she didn't offer to keep her kid home, and said that she needed to send her as she needed to work. so I ended up saying the nanny should just go to their house instead (even though I needed to work too). BUt now I'm feeling a bit aggrieved, as she is our nanny and so I feel as though we should have first dibs. What do other people think? I know we should have worked this out in advance, and we will now, but what do people think is a fair policy?

Also, who should now pay? She charges a bit extra to watch two of them which we usually split which makes it a bit cheaper for each than the one child rate. SHould the other family pay the one child rate (more) for today when our baby is not there, or should we still pay half each?

What do people think is fair?

Thanks so much.

OP posts:

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 28/05/2014 21:05

You need to re establish who is in charge of this arrangement.

For your sake and for your Nanny, her loyalties lie with you, back her up.

ikeaismylocal · 28/05/2014 21:08

I think the nanny is being a bit dramatic saying/insinuating she doesn't want to look after an ill child and another child, what if she worked for a family with 2/3/4 kids and one was ill, would she say that she couldn't look after the others?

I think that she should have just looked after both, but if it was your friend's child who was ill I think you should have the nanny rather than your baby being with an ill child.

I think you need to sit down with the nanny and your friend and make some agreements about what is expected.

zipzap · 28/05/2014 21:09

Kids do get sick - especially babies, particularly at the most inconvenient times...

So, whatever agreement you have with the other mum needs to take that into account. As it's your nanny, who you have taken on the long term commitment of employing then it's reasonable that you get 'first dibs' on her whenever there is a problem such as this.

If your friend had her dc at nursery and they were ill, she would either have to take the hit and work from home or find emergency childcare.

You would be completely reasonable to tell your friend that, should this situation happen again (because let's face it, it will), then she is going to have to take the hit and sort something else out. At the moment you are doing her a massive favour which she seems to have conveniently ignored forgotten - she is able to have occasional childcare without any regular commitment to pay for a place. If she wants to be able to rely upon her child being looked after when the child is well, then she needs to fork out for regular childcare - be it a nursery, child minder or nanny of her own. If she doesn't want to fork out for it, then she has to accept that, with the best will in the world, if somebody else is paying for the nanny permanently (well, you are currently) then they get to have that nanny to look after their child exclusively when they are ill. She has work she has to do - well yes, so do you, so she can't trump you on that score.

Maybe if she was say going to a funeral so she was only going to be gone for a couple of hours and would come straight back to pick her child up that would be a bit different but just for work - even very important / busy day at work, then yes, you still get the nanny. If her other child was at nursery, does this child ever go to that nursery so could maybe go there as an extra day in an emergency? (I know that's dependent on their spaces / staffing though)

Take this opportunity to talk to her - nicely but explaining how this situation caused you lots of problems so that - together - you need to decide what to do about the situation.

It might be that if there is something that is really important to the other mum that she organises different childcare or has some back up emergency child care in place in case either child is sick or she realises that she has to take the hit or get her dh to or whatever. However, if she tries to assert that she should get the childcare regardless of the impact this has on you, your nanny and your dc then it really is a wake up call to the way that she think of you and how she values herself over you, despite you being the one that is helping her.

Itsfab · 28/05/2014 21:10

Then that is fine and both are cared for separately. Sick child has mum. The point is the child who isn't sick should not be put at risk by spending time with an ill child because mum wants/needs to work.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 28/05/2014 21:10

"I think the nanny is being a bit dramatic saying/insinuating she doesn't want to look after an ill child and another child, what if she worked for a family with 2/3/4 kids and one was ill, would she say that she couldn't look after the others?"

Well, the nanny is possibly frustrated by the lack of clarity - it's been said she doesn't know the other child that well.

ikeaismylocal · 28/05/2014 21:13

Well, the nanny is possibly frustrated by the lack of clarity - it's been said she doesn't know the other child that well.

Yes but she is a nanny, a childcare professional, if she can't cope with one sick baby and a child she only knows a little bit I wouldn't want to leave my child with her.

Her job is looking after children, yes it would be a harder than normal day, but nannying for one baby must be a very easy job, so the occasional more challenging day isn't a disaster.

stealthsquiggle · 28/05/2014 21:14

OP I would talk to the nanny first, IIWY,and establish, without the time pressure of her being put on the spot, what she would like the ground rules to be and how far she would compromise. There is not much point establishing ground rules with your friend if the nanny isn't ok with them.

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 28/05/2014 21:19

I see this point, but I also understand how, if you are a nanny, contracted to look after one easy baby, you might not mind a drop in occasionally from another child as a goodwill gesture, but you woudln't be thrilled about it when the baby was also ill. A nanny who takes a job working for a family wiht 2/3/4 kids has taken that on knowingly, whereas the share is definitely an occasional thing, and a favour and I don't want to take the piss

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 28/05/2014 21:20

I don't really understand the dropping in.
Does she ring you? The nanny? The night before ad say she wants to? And does she pay you or the nanny?

eddielizzard · 28/05/2014 21:20

i would find out what your nanny thinks first.

but my gut feel:

i would tell the other mum that if either child is sick then unfortunately the arrangement can't stand. sometimes that is last minute as sickness isn't planned. explain that you helped her out today, but you can't afford to take time off - hence the nanny!

i think yanbu and you're being very kind, but i also think she took advantage a little, and unless you make it clear what the expectations are, she will continue to assume that your child will not take precedence over hers.

she should pay full rate for days she has nanny.

JustWonderingAbout · 28/05/2014 21:20

If a child is ill, it's usual for the parent either not to take them (and stay off work/ mane alternative Childcare plans) or to be calked if the illness wasn't previously known about.
It's not the norm., in my experience, for an unwell child to be taken to a childminder - especially when there's another child to consider.

HermioneWeasley · 28/05/2014 21:21

I would explain that today really put you out and on reflection you don't think the ad hoc arrangement can continue as you need to be able to rely on it.

StealthPolarBear · 28/05/2014 21:23

Ok just read the op again and it's clearer abt payment sorry

ikeaismylocal · 28/05/2014 21:23

I don't know much about nannys but do they get paid less if it is one baby rather than 4 kids with school runs, hobbies, sick kids needing to be dragged along to hobies/school runs and a baby thrown into the mix aswell?

If I were your nanny I would be thrilled to have such an easy job and I wouldn't be making a fuss about the occasional hard day.

StealthPolarBear · 28/05/2014 21:23

Yes jwa but she's not a cm she's a nanny

Itsfab · 28/05/2014 21:29

at ikea.

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 28/05/2014 21:32

ikea I don't agree at all. I think it's totally reasonable if you signed up for one job, to be a little unhappy about being faced with a quite different one. If my boss suddenly decided to double my workload one day to do a friend a favour, I would also be a little unhappy about it. so I think the nanny was being more than fair. she is happy to do the favour (for a little extra pay) now and again, but not so much when the main charge is ill and throwing up.

OP posts:

ikeaismylocal · 28/05/2014 21:39

It's good that you feel like that op, I think in that case you just need to stop the arangement with your friend or make it official and agree on sickness arangements.

Nannying for one baby would be such a great job!

HopefulHamster · 28/05/2014 21:46

OP if there's nothing in it for you and now you're losing out then sadly I think the arrangement should come to an end for your benefit, before the nanny gets annoyed and leaves and your work ends up suffering again. You've been a good friend but unfortunately you're now being taken for granted.

halfwildlingwoman · 28/05/2014 21:49

This answer won't be popular. Your baby is sick. You or your DP should stay home. The baby needs their parent. Sorry.

SanityClause · 28/05/2014 22:06

She's your nanny; you get first dibs. If the nanny was ill, your neighbour would have to find emergency childcare. It's similar to that.

Make sure you discuss it with her, otherwise if it happens again, she will have reason to expect the same thing to happen again.

And half, why is a parent better at looking after a sick child than a trained professional?

erin99 · 28/05/2014 22:14

If you hardly save any money on sharing days and the nanny only gets a little extra, it sounds unfair on you both.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 29/05/2014 03:30

Half, I don't agree. I was a nanny and well bonded with the kids I looked after. We would have hot lemon and honey and bring blankets down and camp out on the sofa with the TV. Kids would nap cuddled up to me and usually the parents didn't expect me to do chores that day so I could just love on the kids while they felt rotten.

StealthPolarBear · 29/05/2014 07:17

half thank you for not saying "you" and "mother" in that sentence :o

indigo18 · 29/05/2014 09:15

Half - ffs she has a trained NANNY. What is the point of that if she has to take time off for every day the infant has a sniffle, or vomits? We are not talking major illness!
OP, I think be firm, YOUR Nanny, you have priority. If you want to continue the OCCASIONAL, INFORMAL share, then fine if Nanny agrees, but if your child is sick neighbour makes other arrangements, and if her child is sick, ditto.

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