AIBU about a nanny share/ sick child- need some perspective

[deliverdaniel]

We have a nanny to look after our baby three mornings a week. Every now and then a friend will ask to 'drop in' on our nanny share with their daughter, which is absolutely fine with us and the nanny. It's a very informal arrangement and has just happened a handful of times. Just wondering what the protocol should be when they are sick. This morning, our friend's kid was supposed to drop in on the share, but our baby was throwing up in the morning. I knew the nanny was very reluctant to take care of two kids when one was ill- she didn't say outright that she wouldn'nt but I knew she wasn't happy about it, and I don't want to upset her, as we really want to keep her goodwill. I told the other mum that he was ill, but she didn't offer to keep her kid home, and said that she needed to send her as she needed to work. so I ended up saying the nanny should just go to their house instead (even though I needed to work too). BUt now I'm feeling a bit aggrieved, as she is our nanny and so I feel as though we should have first dibs. What do other people think? I know we should have worked this out in advance, and we will now, but what do people think is a fair policy?

Also, who should now pay? She charges a bit extra to watch two of them which we usually split which makes it a bit cheaper for each than the one child rate. SHould the other family pay the one child rate (more) for today when our baby is not there, or should we still pay half each?

What do people think is fair?

Thanks so much.

I think you are going to have to have a conversation with your friend re Nanny share.

She is your Nanny you do have priority. Your informal arrangement is not what you intended so you may need to formalise it or get her to get her own Nanny.

If this is the first time this has happened, then it's a good time to review the situation, both with the nanny and the friend.

I'd look on here first (think there's a nanny section; regardless there should be plenty of posts on nanny shares) to get a list of situations like this and decide what you think the answer should be, then talk to the nanny to see what she thinks (particularly if you think she wasn't very happy about having to look after two children if one of them was poorly) and see if there were any other situations that she could think of, and see what you think.

Then you need to talk to your friend - I'm guessing that you have a nanny (or at least part of the reason) because you want to ensure that your dc is looked after even if they are poorly, which wouldn't happen if they were at nursery.

If the nanny says she will only look after one poorly child, then you need to decide if you are happy for you to always stay at home - and I'm guessing from this that you're not - then you need to talk to the other mum and say that today has made you realise that you need to formalise this as you got screwed today by not being able to work, despite the one who has the nanny on the long term contract. So, she has to decide if she is happy to carry on dropping in on your nanny share (assuming the nanny is happy too) but on the understanding that if either child is ill then the nanny stays with your child. Or if she isn't then she needs to find other childcare.

Likewise the money side of things for a day like today when her child is the only one being looked after - if you are at nursery you still have to pay if you're sick, so she might feel resentful (not that I particularly agree with her) that she has to pay more as it's not her choice - maybe during holiday times if you're away and she has the sole use of the nanny, this situation would also occur.

And then work through all the other situations like this that could affect the nanny share, and at the end of it she'll need to decide. Just out of nosiness did she approach you about dropping in on your nanny arrangement or did you suggest it or how did it happen? Just wondering if this will have any bearing on what she thinks her rights are to use the nanny's services. I can see how from her point of view, if she feels like she is paying for a nanny then she feels that she too is paying for the nanny to look after her child if they are sick or at least so that she doesn't have to find emergency childcare.

You also need to make sure your friend doesn't try to poach your nanny if she decides she wants to have first dibs on the nanny!

Good luck sorting it all out!

I think this is ridiculous. I did a few shares and sometimes it was hard enough when there were proper contracts and it was my full time job! Having a casual drop in as and when - which seems to be every week - is ridiculous.

Does the other mother pay?

Either it is done officially with contracts and both parents accept THEY stay home when their child is sick or you will carry on being without your nanny when the other mum demands it. She seems to think SHE is the main employer.

You shouldn't have agreed to that today, OP. She's your nanny and you needed her today. In terms of payment, your friend should pay fully for today.

However, in future, your friend needs to be told that this is your nanny, that she has a contract with you and that she can only share if it's convenient to you and convenient to your nanny. Your friend sounds a bit of a bully, tbh.

I think you have to say that today's events indicate the Nanny share is not working for you. She is your Nanny and your Dc comes first. Some folks are just cheeky and she has steamrollered over your goodwill. I once had a colleague who wanted to car-share with me so that his wife could have the car a couple of days a week. He seemed to think I would bite his hand off, but paying for a couple of days extra fuel did not convince me that I wanted the inconvenience of a share; waiting to be picked up, having to be ready at a certain time, leave work when it suited him etc. So I said no; I offered him a lift in an emergency, but not a regular car share.

This sounds like a favour gone wrong. Either formalise it or stop it. It will end hideously otherwise.

If it was me, I think I'd feel if I had agreed in advance that the nanny would take them, then they should. If she phoned up this morning and asked, then i;d say no.

But I think you need to set out with your friend and nanny the arrangement more formally.

You can have a formal share when the share is only one day (or more) a month.

I suggest you talk to her and say something along these lines

"We had a bit of a difficult situation today and I'd like to avoid that in future. I'm happy to continue sharing when you need it but only under the following circumstances..." -- and I'd figure out everything you can. Evening babysitting, who gets first dibs on a particular night, who pays for food, which house they are in etc.

I think it is reasonable that the nanny could have looked after both children so long as the parent understands that the non-sick child will probably spend time watching TV and not being given much attention. If you are ok with that perhaps that is the answer. Mums with two kids manage when one is sick and the other isn't. If you are ok with that then I would suggest that the nanny look after the kids in the sick kid's house.

If you want your sick kid to have one on one care like you have been paying for then you need to spell that out. One reason people pay for a nanny is so they can have the arrangements they want and not have to compromise. It is entirely reasonable (albeit inconvenient to the other mother) to say "if my child is sick then I don't want to share that day, even if it is last minute".

DeWee- thanks- not being confrontational here- just genuinely want to know your opinion. the other mum asked a couple of days ago if she could do today. Then our baby got sick this morning. Given we had already agreed in advance, what was the right thing to do? have the nanny look after both kids and risk upsetting the nanny (who obviously was reluctant) or do what I did do and let the other mother have the nanny? Or tell the other mother, sorry it's no longer convenient? Thanks!

She's your Nanny, be assertive.

In the nicest possible way may I ask, are you a people pleaser and afraid to upset your neighbour?

Don't be a walkover.

This is why you need to have the conversation...

Does the nanny get paid more for the two children or does it just reduce how much you pay?

Poorly babies are so much work I can imagine why she looked reluctant. Maybe you need to have a word with Nanny about how she feels. I agree I would want to upset her to help out someone else.

Then you have to sit down with your friend/neighbour and say as someone else said...Today was difficult but am happy to continue under these conditions..

You needed childcare today and no one can predict when your LO is going to be poorly. Even if Nanny and you agree to her child coming round when your child is poorly how would you feel other way round her child is sick Liable to give bug to your little one.

The latter. A sick child trumps a previous agreement.

Even if it were formalised, you'd still have the problem that either child could get sick any day, and if the nanny feels she shouldn't have to have both children, one of you is left in the lurch. Absolutely you should have first dibs - don't let this happen again. But surely if they were siblings the nanny would have them both and not feel unduly put upon, so it is reasonable to ask her to look after both if one is ill. Perhaps she hates the sharing days and is looking for excuses.

Bear in mind that there is a sliding scale of illness. How ill does one have to be before your nanny is reluctant to have both? How would you feel about sharing your nanny on a day when your friend's child is horribly ill with a vile tummy bug?

I think part of the problem is that the other mum and I have different attitudes to child illness (I'm not saying either is right btw- just different)- she is very very gung ho- her kids have to be at death's door to miss school, she doesn't mind them playing with other sick kids etc. I am a bit more 'precious' about it- ie will tend to keep my kids off school if they are ill/ don't like them playing with other children when they are ill (colds are fine, but more than that I'd rather keep mine away.)

I can't help feeling that if I was dropping in on another mum's nanny share, I would go wtih whatever that mum wanted, even if it was inconvenient to me. The nanny charges more for 2 kids btw, but not double, so it is slightly cheaper for me when they share, but really doesn't make a whole lot of difference, so isn't a factor either way for me.

For me, arranging in advance would mean I felt I had to do it, unless I'd said along the lines of "but baby is under the weather, so if they're ill you'll have to make other arrangements".
Obviously if this was an emergency that came up, it would be different. But I'd feel really bad letting someone down on the day-again if you'd phoned last night and said "baby looks ill. not sure if nanny could do tomorrow" you've given time to try and get something else.

That's me though, I appreciate that others have other opinions, and mine is just one. Conversely, if I was your friend I wouldn't have felt aggrieved at you phoning up with a sick child though and cancelling. I'd certainly rather you did that than took the day off and felt put upon.

I think what I'd do is talk to the nanny. Ask what she felt was the right thing to do today. Does she generally mind looking after the other child-the irritation may have been that? What sort of notice that she's got an extra child would she like? Would she be happy for the extra child occasionally in an emergency?

Then go back to your friend. Explain that the arrangement meant you lost a day of work, and say you can't do that again (work won't let you/can't afford etc.) say you're happy (if nanny is) for her dd to come in with yours but you'll have to say that if your dc are ill then nanny can't take hers. Sorry and all that. If nanny isn't happy, then say it's not working out and you don't want to have to let her down at the last minute, which you would if that happened again, so you can't generally nanny share.

DeWee- thanks that's helpful. I did talk to the nanny and she said she would look after both kids, but I know her pretty well and know that she was saying it in a way that meant she wasn't happy about it, and I can totally understand it. I think she doesn't mind doing the share occasionally on an informal basis, but a sick baby is hard work and to have an extra child on top that she doesn't know that well is a pain. So even though she said she would, I didn't want to agree to it and have her feeling put out, which is why I backed out, as I knew the other mum wasn't going to. I really want to keep the nanny's goodwill as she is brilliant and will often help us in an emergency by doing extra hours- we live very far from family etc so this is a godsend.

I will talk to the friend again now. It's just awkward as don't want to cause bad feeling as we are neighbours and see each other all the time.

From your latest post two things:
Firstly: If she is a bit gung ho-is she likely to send hers when obviously ill and infect yours. How would you feel about that?
Secondly: If she is sharing your nanny she should pay 50/50 for days she uses. If it's not really benefitting you financially, what are you getting out of sharing? You're just being nice. Which is fine. But it's also then fine for you to say it's not working.

DeWee- yes, just trying to help her out- she is a good friend in other ways, and has helped me out with a lot of different stuff too, so not all one way, so want to try and help if I can. But I guess it's just when there is a conflict like this that it starts to break down a bit. And yes, I definitely wouldn't want to do the share if her kids were sick and likely to get mine ill. I did say no to that a few weeks back. She looked a bit put out, but was ok with it.

Ok - so if it was a formal share you'd have to both agree not to send your child when sick.

BillnTeds yes- I guess that's why I don't want a formal share. i want to have the original terms with my nanny, which is that she will look after my child if he is a little bit sick, but not very ill. I would rather keep the informal arrangement with the friend with the understanding that she can only drop in if it's convenient for us but not to rely on it (I wouldn't abuse this, but mainly use for sick kids) and to see it as an extra. I don't really get anything out of a formal share. Happy to help her out, but not to be put out, I guess. Is this really unfair?

What's in it for you OP by sharing at all? I'd stop doing it. You need to work so you got a nanny.Your friend hasn't had to do that at all.

HopefulHamster there's nothing really in it for me at all (it's a little cheaper on the days they share but not enough to really make a difference) I really was only doing it to help my friend out.

The mother of the not sick child should always have the veto on them being together.

Itsfab- but if the mother of the not sick child wants them to be together but the sick child's mother doesn't? Then what?

"don't really get anything out of a formal share. Happy to help her out, but not to be put out, I guess. Is this really unfair?"

Not at all - it's very generous! But I think you do need to talk to her about ground rules.