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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Reasonable punishment for unreasonable 14 yr old?

70 replies

popmimiboo · 28/05/2014 11:16

Just after some mn thoughts.

DS is a 14 year old testosterone fuelled teen. DD2 is 8. This morning he was early getting ready for school so sat down at the computer and put on DD2's headphones that were already plugged in.
DD2 went into the room, saw that he had her headphones and said he "wasn't allowed" them.

Ok, I was in the kitchen so had no idea what went on ag the time. Neither of them deny this part though and DD1 (12) confirms it.

So when DD2 started being bossy about the headphones, DS jumped up and kicked her on the thigh. DD screamed. I dashed in, thinking she'd seriously hurt herself (she has form!) DD1 told me that DS had kicked DD2 hard. DS jumped back up and started yelling at me that she was putting it on and I was too stupid to see through her act etc etc.

All this before 8am!

Up to leaving for school, DS continued to speak (shout) at me in a foul way and refused to apologise to DD, calling her a stupid brat...

DD admitted that she'd pestered him over the headphones (though it happened seconds after she entered the room so it can't have been that bad) and I told her that she had been mean to refuse to share and that in future she should put her things away if she can't bear other family members to touch them.

As far as I am concerned, DS has no excuse to lash out at his sister (or anyone.) I am livid that he shows no remorse and is insisting that she deserved it. Though he is adamant that he didn't actually hurt her.

I've told him no computer for the immediate future but need to come up with a suitable, clear punishment for when he gets home from school.
He accidentally smashed his phone last week -WIBU to postpone any repairs as a punishement and to confiscate his kindle? Or would I be making a rod for my own back? Witholding pocket money?
Grounding him isn't the best option as I think he needs to burn off steam playing footie with his mates at the weekend and he doesn't go anywhere else.

WWYD? What doyou do with terrible teens?

OP posts:

Canthisonebeused · 28/05/2014 11:27

No computer for rest of week and weekend and no repair on screen until his attitude improves and you feel he is showing enough remorse and respect for rest of family.

Though I wouldn't let dd of scot free either to be honest. Although she didn't deserve to be kicked she also didn't manage the situation well either. I would ban both of them from computer for same lengthy of time and his extra punishment of no phone repair reflects his more serious part of the fight and poor attitude towards you.

Original poster

popmimiboo · 28/05/2014 11:38

DD hardly ever goes on the computer -she watched a film on it yesterday which is why the headphones were there but it's pretty rare.
Then again, I suppose if I say she's banned for a week, she'll probably get some desperate need to use it so it's not a bad idea!

I find it hard because she is only like that about her things as DS will never let her touch his property! She would never have made a fuss about DD1 using the headphones because DD1 gives her free reign to pretty much everything from nail varnish to clothes to stationery etc.

OP posts:

Canthisonebeused · 28/05/2014 11:53

Hmm it's a difficult one then, I suppose she was justified. But maybe if she was in anyway unreasonable have a chat with her about how she could have taken the moral high ground and not got into a fight with him, ie getting you if he is over powering her etc.

herecomesthesunlala · 28/05/2014 12:23

It's not that bad, and she may have (most likely in my experience) been over-acting the pain to get him in trouble. If it was as hard as she's making out wouldn't there be a bruise?

I would make him apologise and make him do the dishes or something tonight, but i wouldn't ban from the computer for a week, i think that's a little harsh if he just reacted to being shouted at by his little sister and should be reserved for more serious things (if he's really into the computer that is)

Runesigil · 28/05/2014 12:37

he shows no remorse and is insisting that she deserved it.

Maybe he needs to see how his selfish actions caused the situation to arise.

Firstly, he should have asked to use someone else's property before assuming it would be fine.

Secondly, no-one 'deserves' to be physically attacked, he needs to be able to understand that and to demonstrate to you that he is grown up enough to put it into practise.

HavantGuard · 28/05/2014 12:46

I'd ban him from the computer for a week and make it clear that at 14 years old you expect him to understand that it is not acceptable to kick anyone.

I'd also try to get him doing sports during the week.

Canthisonebeused · 28/05/2014 12:50

I think a 14 year old kicking anyone let alone an 8 year old is "that bad" were talking about small children of similar age! but a much bigger child kicking a much younger child.

5Foot5 · 28/05/2014 12:54

Aside from any punishment you decide, would it be appropriate for your DH to have a word with him "man to man" as it were about using inappropriate force like this. Your DD may have been behaving like an annoying little girl but at 14 your DS is probably quite capable of hurting her quite badly if he loses his temper. He needs to learn now that it is never appropriate to use physical violence in this way.

Canthisonebeused · 28/05/2014 12:57

We're NOT talking about small children similar age that should say.

pictish · 28/05/2014 12:59

She is 8, while he is 14.
He is far older, bigger, stronger and quicker than her...so leaping up to kick her is unacceptable. To then insist that it was justified is worse.

My brother was six years older than me too, and he thought nothing of kicking and hitting me. I had no physical defence against him.

Personally I'd be coming down on this hard.

thebodylovesspring · 28/05/2014 13:01

not that bad Jesus Christ it's not good!

Our dss had age gap of 9/10 years between our girls, yours is 6 so not that different.

Absolutely zero tolerance in this one from me op. And the .'she deserved it.' Comment is absolutely vile.

My dh had both our dss up against the walls for disrespect, only needed the once.

My dh worked away too so it really is up to you to get a grip of your lad or belive me he will be getting a grip
Of you.

Mine were 6 foot at 14, I am 5 foot 2 and woe betide crisp like that. Punish him and punish him hard.

thebodylovesspring · 28/05/2014 13:03

Crap not crisp. You need to teach him who is the boss in your house and it can't be a 14 year old child.

Ioethe · 28/05/2014 13:03

There is nothing which makes someone "deserve" to be kicked unless they kicked you first - no matter how hard, not matter what they did. If I were you I'd go overboard - no phone, no computer, no Kindle, he apologises and DH has a serious talk with him. 14 is old enough to not be hitting people.

MrsWinnibago · 28/05/2014 13:04

YANBU to come down heavy. She's 8! Testosterone is no excuse for violence towards anyone let alone someone almost half your age!

MrsWinnibago · 28/05/2014 13:05

Also, she does not have to share her things if she does not want to. All children should have the choice in these situations. It's not the same as a large bag of sweets or similar...they are her personal headphones.

Original poster

popmimiboo · 28/05/2014 13:07

I didn't whip down her trousers to check for a bruise immediately but will discreetly have a look when she's in her gym leotard later! No idea if it was hard enough for a bruise but regardless of how hard, I think it isquite bad for him to jump up and kick her :-(
I think the way he spoke to me was well out of order too.

OP posts:

Animation · 28/05/2014 13:07

I think your son's anger is a strong sense of injustice at the intrusive and annoying aspect about his sister, and the fact that that doesn't get acknowledged.

He is wrong to lash out, and probably needs some help exploring other strategies of dealing with her, but only once you have acknowledged that she is no miss innocent the way she behaves in the first place.

Cluffyflump · 28/05/2014 13:09

In my house that would earn him a total screen ban for two weeks.
I would add on chores for his rude attitude.
Your poor dd.
She deserves better from her big bro!

pictish · 28/05/2014 13:10

it's not that bad

Way to teach a young adult that if a smaller, more vulnerable, weaker person does something he doesn't like, he may retaliate and overpower with violence.

Just because they are siblings certainly does not mean he is at liberty to assault her.

My mum minimised my brother's maltreatment of me immensely because we were/are siblings.
I spent my childhoodforced to live with someone I couldn't defend myself against, being treated with contempt, verbal abuse and violence.

"All brothers and sisters fight" apparently.

Well fuck that. I don't tolerate it, and it doesn't happen here.

Animation · 28/05/2014 13:16

I don't see that your son was starting a fight here. He just sat down quietly and put the headphones on that were already plugged in the computer. His sister got mean and made a big deal about it. He lashed out. He needs help with that but why is she so mean and bossy?

Original poster

popmimiboo · 28/05/2014 13:17

Yes, it's the "she deserved it" comment that really got me.
DS is 5ft 6 and smaller than most of his friends. I will not have him taking out his aggression on his sisters. (He has been rough with DD1 a couple of times before but not for a while.)

Problem is that DS was such an angel until he hit 12. DH and I had hardly ever had to discipline him as he hadn't needed it (school, grandparents, babysitters confirm this.) I think we do now struggle to deal with bad behaviour and he's sensed weakness. This morning has given me a wake up call and I know I need to get tougher. Just not quite sure how :-(

OP posts:

softlysoftly · 28/05/2014 13:18

Jesus I can't believe pp thinks it's not that bad. Physical violence and lack of remorse at 14 is absolutely appaling!

Agree with all your punishments but he also needs a large dose of shame. Just punishing won't make him think it will make him feel like the injured party.

Treat this formally, create a space and time from the other kids this evening and ask him to sit down with you then after saying you understand her part in being annoying you are absolutely sickened by his act, explain about there never being any reason for violence. Make it really bloody serious with the consequence as a result but he needs to walk away understanding how disappointed you are with him.

softlysoftly · 28/05/2014 13:22

You and your DH by the way on the sit down. Make a united front.

This works, I went from angel to bitch during teenage years but these "sit downs" from my parents were the only thing to give me the dread and cut through my angsty anger. It also made me realise how far I could push the boundaries so only used for "serious" offences.

I continued to be a cow but within reason and the angel that was buried by hormones eventuality re emerged. I sincerely believe without my parents approach and steadfastness I would have taken a different route altogether.

Original poster

popmimiboo · 28/05/2014 13:23

The jury's still out on DD's behaviour. I honestly don't think she's "mean and bossy". On the one hand, I don't condone her not sharing, but at the same time, we do tell them to ask to borrow other people's belongings, not just take them.
I did talk to her about it (see my OP) but I'm not sure she needs an other punishment when she's already been kicked and yelled at by DS.

OP posts:

sunbathe · 28/05/2014 13:23

I don't think your dd needs to be punished at all!

Aggression from her brother and punishment from her parents - what did she do to warrant it?

So she likes to keep her things to herself, a lot of people do. And she's also mirroring her brother in this.

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