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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Reasonable punishment for unreasonable 14 yr old?

70 replies

popmimiboo · 28/05/2014 11:16

Just after some mn thoughts.

DS is a 14 year old testosterone fuelled teen. DD2 is 8. This morning he was early getting ready for school so sat down at the computer and put on DD2's headphones that were already plugged in.
DD2 went into the room, saw that he had her headphones and said he "wasn't allowed" them.

Ok, I was in the kitchen so had no idea what went on ag the time. Neither of them deny this part though and DD1 (12) confirms it.

So when DD2 started being bossy about the headphones, DS jumped up and kicked her on the thigh. DD screamed. I dashed in, thinking she'd seriously hurt herself (she has form!) DD1 told me that DS had kicked DD2 hard. DS jumped back up and started yelling at me that she was putting it on and I was too stupid to see through her act etc etc.

All this before 8am!

Up to leaving for school, DS continued to speak (shout) at me in a foul way and refused to apologise to DD, calling her a stupid brat...

DD admitted that she'd pestered him over the headphones (though it happened seconds after she entered the room so it can't have been that bad) and I told her that she had been mean to refuse to share and that in future she should put her things away if she can't bear other family members to touch them.

As far as I am concerned, DS has no excuse to lash out at his sister (or anyone.) I am livid that he shows no remorse and is insisting that she deserved it. Though he is adamant that he didn't actually hurt her.

I've told him no computer for the immediate future but need to come up with a suitable, clear punishment for when he gets home from school.
He accidentally smashed his phone last week -WIBU to postpone any repairs as a punishement and to confiscate his kindle? Or would I be making a rod for my own back? Witholding pocket money?
Grounding him isn't the best option as I think he needs to burn off steam playing footie with his mates at the weekend and he doesn't go anywhere else.

WWYD? What doyou do with terrible teens?

OP posts:

herecomesthesunlala · 28/05/2014 18:29

She lost her temper at him first, should that not be taken into account?

herecomesthesunlala · 28/05/2014 18:30

I dont think she should get away with being like towards her brother, it's not fair!

Hullygully · 28/05/2014 18:31

She lost her temper, if she did, we don't know, because of his blatant unfairness towards her and her powerlessness to do anything about it because he is nearly twice her age.

In my house we have the rule that physical violence puts you immediately in the wrong. If it applies in life, why not in the home?

BalloonSlayer · 28/05/2014 18:32

Agree with Hully

And BTW I knocked myself on the knee with a bowling ball yesterday. It hurt so much I felt dizzy. But I have no bruise at all.

Hullygully · 28/05/2014 18:33

You can't see a difference between an eight year old and a 14 year old?

Really?

You don't understand power, gender and sibling dynamics?

You think it's ok for someone much bigger older and stronger to hit a smaller, younger weaker person? Ever? Because they "provoked it?"

That's what violent people say "you were asking for it" "you made me do it"

Violence is NEVER acceptable.

herecomesthesunlala · 28/05/2014 18:34

oh her DS is definately in the wrong for kicking his sister, no doubt about that and i am not trivilising that, but i am just saying that a proper talk with him and understanding of his POV would be useful too. Her DD is also in the wrong and created this argument. If he did kick her and this is out of charactor for him, then he was obviously highly provoked...I reckon it was a soft push and she's trying to get him in trouble though. The lack of bruise may show this...

Hullygully · 28/05/2014 18:36

No, he created it (as if that's relevant), by using her headphones although he won't let her use his stuff.

Canthisonebeused · 28/05/2014 18:50

I think the fact as you have already said, he doesn't share his things with her and so she doesn't share with him is reasonable. Her and her older sister do share things. It is down to him that he can't use her head phones therefore really he should have accepted that.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 28/05/2014 18:52

We have a rule in our house that if someone makes it physical then it is automatically their fault. We have two boys, one almost 5 years older than the other and very strong. Someone was going to get hurt unless we made it extremely clear that no matter what your brother did or said, making it physical (not necessarily violence, also things like pushing and shoving) wasn't the solution.

Now that isn't to say that there weren't words with the other party, there always were.

We also say in our house that you don't have to share all your things (there are things of mine I don't share) but if you aren't willing to share at least occasionally then you shouldn't be leaving them around. If they are precious, then put them away (and we have places that are sacrosanct that everyone in the family can put stuff they don't want messed with). If you won't put them away and then get pissy about them then I will put them away for you and they will stay away for a while.

LadyOfSomewhereElse · 28/05/2014 18:52

When my kids got into trouble at this age I would set the punishment, explain why and then leave it. I wouldn't be grumpy with them for days on end and I wouldn't keep discussing it but I'd stick to the punishment.

Obviously the kicking part of this is really bad but I think the fact that he has spoken to you so disrespectfully is also a huge deal.

magoria · 28/05/2014 18:55

i think you are on the right track with punishments. You have to stick to it though.

She deserved it needs knocking right on the head. Who will deserve a kick next? After that who may deserve a punch?

There is no justification for physically attacking anyone just because he was provoked.

I don't think you should have a talk with an 8 year old about sharing when her 14 year brother doesn't? It goes both ways. If he doesn't want her to use his things he doesn't use hers.

Unfortunately if he carries on showing no remorse I have no idea what you should do.

Good luck.

softlysoftly · 28/05/2014 18:56

herecomes so if you were in a foul mood and went on a rant against your DH, maybe snatched the tv remote from him then it's ok for him to give you a but of a kick?

After all you asked for it.

HavantGuard · 28/05/2014 18:58

So that's the racist vote for downplaying violence.

softlysoftly · 28/05/2014 19:00

Racist vote?

ElkTheory · 28/05/2014 19:00

I agree with some others that a serious discussion needs to take place about violence and self-control (after he has calmed down somewhat). I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms that his sister absolutely did not "deserve" to be kicked and that he simply cannot treat her that way. It does sound as though he is in teenage turmoil and he probably doesn't like feeling out of control, especially if he had an easy temperament as a child. But that is no excuse for his behaviour, of course. I think the discussion is more important than punishment, TBH.

herecomesthesunlala · 28/05/2014 19:15

herecomes so if you were in a foul mood and went on a rant against your DH, maybe snatched the tv remote from him then it's ok for him to give you a but of a kick?

After all you asked for it.

What part of my message suggested this? I never said it was ok, quite the opposite.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 28/05/2014 19:22

What part of my message suggested this?

This for starters: "I would also speak and dicipline you DD for this situation, as she DID cause this argument and situation by not being polite"

DrizzlyTuesday · 28/05/2014 19:29

HereComes Can you explain to me what's wrong with not wanting someone else to walk in and use your things without asking?

DrizzlyTuesday · 28/05/2014 19:30

I agree with everyone saying the 8 year old is not to blame. I don't see what in this situation she'd actually done wrong. Her things are hers and he shouldn't have assumed he could use them without asking.

PunkHedgehog · 29/05/2014 09:34

As well as punishment I think this also calls for education. Perhaps get him to research the legal definitions of the different sorts of violent offences - assault, battery, ABH, GBH - and then tell you which he thinks his actions fall under (minor bruising would count as 'assault occasioning actual bodily harm'). Then he can look up the sentencing guidelines for that offence and see what would happen if he did this to a random person in the street, (and the effect on the sentence of pleading not guilty rather than admitting it, and what would happen if he did it a second time)

And some time with you on a few news sites would show him how many women have been killed in the past week for doing things that their families or other random men found irritating. Ask him if he thinks it's reasonable to stone/shoot/kill someone by pouring acid on them if they do something that annoys him.

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