To be kind of shocked by what my wife just did and worried about the fall out.

[ComposHat]

My wife is visiting her mother at the moment. Her mother is a cold, difficult and antisocial woman. I wouldn't describe her as toxic, but just distant and not engaged with her children. By all accounts it was the same in their childhood, most of the emotional and practical parenting was done by my wife's dad (They divorced when my wife was in her late teens and her dad has remarried).

Anyway about six months ago she heard about a scheme to provide supported lodging to young care leavers in exchange for what seemed like an attractive weekly payment. I used to work for social services and briefly worked as part of a scheme to help care leavers adjust to independent living. Almost of the young people we worked with needed huge amounts of practical and emotional support and placements would break down all the time.

Despite my best efforts to explain it wouldn't be like having a lodger who will come and go and keep themselves to themselves but would be a huge commitment, she seems dead seat on pursuing it. I really can't say if it is a case of pound signs in front of her eyes or just dreadful naivety on her part, but anyway the social worker handling this asked to speak to my wife about whether she thought her mother would be suitable.

Anyway I spoke to my wife today to ask how the meeting with the social worker and she was interviewed about her relationship with her mother. She told the social worker that she felt her mother was totally unsuitable, that she was cold, selfish, emotionally boxed off and had been a crap mother and was a racist (more a Daily Mail spouting reactionary bigot rather than a skull measuring neo nazi).

This has shocked me a bit as whilst we've both grumbled about her mother from time to time, she has never spoken about her in these terms to me. I'm a little bit taken aback and think if any good has come out of this, it is that it will hopefully put the kibosh on the care leavers thing (which from an outsiders perspective is probably for the best) but I am worried about how their relationship will play out from here on in. I think my wife's mother will strongly suspect why she hasn't been accepted and will sour the relationship between them.

I really don't envy her being in that position: on one hand I think it is good that she's spoken her mind to the social worker and in a sense has possibly saved her mother from herself, but I am worried about the ramifications for their long term relationship and she'll be upset by the fallout. I know it doesn't concern me directly but I'm worried for her.

OP I am very surprised by your posts.
Your wife has just done something really courageous but you don't seem to appreciate it.
It mire looks like it's the last thing you would have done because you would have been less courageous than her.

Tbh I think your reaction says more about you than about her. I also has made me wondering how little your wife has actually told you about her true feelings as she knew your typical answer would be 'oh no you can't do that. You will end up falling out with her and you might never speak to her again. How awful!'

Your Mil will just be told that her references showed up concerns. She certainly won't be told who said what. It's up to your wife to speak her mind. Good on her.

Davinci

I do think she's done the right thing (I've just sent her a text message to say so) and you're damn right she is more courageous than I am.

I do have a tendency to bury my head and avoid conflict and as I said upthread would have couched my answers in neutral language that I acknowledged would have been worse than useless. If anything this thread has taught me that I maybe need to be less lily livered.

Your wife is probably defensive about her mother to you as she doesn't want to be living with someone 24/7 who dislikes her mother. However given the opportunity to offload onto a third party she has done so.

She probably would stand up for her mother if her mother was being attacked, however this is not the case here.

Yabu.

Please support your wife. I'm worried about the way you worded it when you said you thought she'd 'protect' her Mother!

Her mother doesn't need protecting. But vulnerable children do, from her.

Surely that's what's important. Who cares if the horrible woman knows it's your wife that told. Stand up for her.

Yes, a lily livered sounding board isn't all that helpful

Good luck to you both. Chances are it won't be anywhere near as bad as you are imagining!

(And good move with the text)

scarlet of course she did the right thing, it just surprised me that's all. Especially as she tends to minimise/justify her mother's behaviour when we've talked about her. I perhaps underestimated her and thought she'd do the same when talking to a third party.

I am also probably guilty of seeing it through the prism of my own relationship with my mother, she's not without her faults but isn't anything like my wife's mother.

Good for her! :)

I know more people that keep their mouths shut to protect the abusers for the sake of family than I do that will speak out like that, and vulnerable people suffer because of their spinelessness. It's commendable what your wife did.

I might be a bit shocked too though if I wasn't aware of how deep the anger went towards her mother. It can be a bit of an eye opener to see someone who seemed apathetic and irritated at someone actually harbored much deeper feelings.

You married a strong woman. Be proud.

I might be a bit shocked too though if I wasn't aware of how deep the anger went towards her mother. It can be a bit of an eye opener to see someone who seemed apathetic and irritated at someone actually harbored much deeper feelings

This is what I have been trying to say but lacked the articulacy to write. Thanks for piecing together my half formed thoughts.

My mother and I don't have the easiest relationship, in fact it sounds similar to your DW and her DM's. I have made my peace with this, I absolutely believe that my DM gives me all she can give. I choose - actively, every day - to not let this 'in' to my life. I accept what she can give. I give what I can in return. Most of the time this works quite well.

DH knows most of it, but I don't speak of it often so I think he'd be equally as surprised as you if I brought everything up to a third party.

But just because I choose to keep this all very tightly wrapped up, doesn't mean I wouldn't let it all out to protect another vulnerable person. I like to think I would. And I think your wife is amazing for doing it. I hope I could be that strong.

You now need to turn your ears on and give her space. It could be the opening of the floodgates. It could be nothing - DW will go back to 'normal'. Or, depending on how DM reacts, you could be in for a family shitstorm. Your role in all of this is to support your wife, not worry about where it's all came from.

It's good that you had a better experience with your own mother Op.

It sounds like your wife has borne her pain about her mother stoically. Her feelings have come out now. You said she'd previously minimised them. So it's good that she's acknowledged the truth.

You sound a thoughtful person. It's good that she has you to support her.

Oops, just saw p3 and your latest - I don't think you are overthinking, it can be very easy to accept the face people present to you (in this case, reasonably happy families). I would really try and open up the lines of communication about this now though. It sounds like you are both good at avoiding conflict and that isn't always healthy (said a master conflict avoider!)

I think your wife did the right thing, these people are vulnerable to say the least and people offering support need to be the right people.
It sounds like many years of lack of support for your dw from her mum finally hit her recently.
Good for her, she will need your support now and will be sure she did the right thing, certainly with conviction.

Thanks everyone for sitting through my handwringing and navel gazing and offering useful advice.

To risk sounding like a Lib Dem politician in the midst of an electoral defeat 'lessons have been learnt'

compo that's why I was wondering how much your wife had told you and why she hasn't told you that much.
Is it possible that she didn't because she knew you would try to minimise it/ be afraid of create a row and that things will get worse etc etc... Ie she knew you would get more worked up about it than her and maybe be not that supportive?

I know that if someone always tried to avoid conflicts I would avoid to talk to them about me wanting to start 'a war' with my own mother iyswim

Xpost !

Now is the time to offer full support to your wife :)

YANBU. I can see why you're shocked. Your DW has been complicit in their difficult relationship for many years and has now vocalised some strong feelings on the subject. I expect it seems out of character. Her previous compliabpnce made for a "quiet life" for her, for you and for her mother.
Her disappointment in her DM and in her childhood experiences has found a sounding board in the, somewhat appropriate form of a social worker.
I expect that the idea of her DM effectively fostering young people has galvanised her feelings about how she was mothered and maybe it was her child's voice speaking out in a way she couldn't o previously.Anyway, waffle aside, there might be some fallout. Your DW was not wrong in what she said, quite the reverse, but she might feel guilty about it, and she might revert to "enabling" her mother as she has done previously, which could leave you feeling on the back foot IYSWIM.
So I would hold her hand through that.

Your wife did the right thing, no doubt. The assessment process for any type of fostering is very in depth and vigorous, and no doubt the social worker will have picked up on your MIL's true personality and thoughts, either by interview with others or through the very long interviews they have with MIL herself. A number of friends and relatives were interviewed when we were assessed as foster carers, and I have never seen what was said to the assessor.

I hope your wife is okay.

I just can't understand your thoughts at all .

My mother had a similar coldness. The odd thing is that she probably would have got along very well with a young person parachuted in. It was her blood relatives who were rebuffed.

However, I would have done the same as your wife if asked. An in-depth interview about one's relationship with one's mother is bound to raise issues that have been long suppressed. I hope it has been beneficial to your wife.

You sound lovely, OP.

And while I aslo think your wife did the right thing, I am a bit shocked (to borrow your phrasing) by the way mn's bloodhounds are trying to make you look bad.

I understand your concerns about your wife, and I think it's great that you are supporting her anyway. She got (probably) decades of hurt off her chest, prevented other vulnerable people and you you are looking at the problem from different angles and think about how it impacts your wife.

She is very lucky to have you and I think it's great that you support her, even if it went against your instincts.

It is very unnerving to have your perception of things suddenly changed like this, I do understand that.

And you may find that it's challenging your perception of how you can engage with people - maybe it's making you think you should be standing up for yourself and your principles more than you tend to?

I think well done to your DW, as it sounds like her mother is totally unsuited to the role of supporting young care leavers - who are vulnerable and need all the protection they can get.

I expect that your DW's 'outburst' may have surprised her too - lid lifted off volcano? She might need the chance to talk things through, if she does it with you, please don't start defending her DM (which you might feel impelled to do just because the sheer force of your DW's feelings feels a bit frightening to you, and you have the impulse to calm them down). Give your DW the space to say whatever she needs to.