My wife is visiting her mother at the moment. Her mother is a cold, difficult and antisocial woman. I wouldn't describe her as toxic, but just distant and not engaged with her children. By all accounts it was the same in their childhood, most of the emotional and practical parenting was done by my wife's dad (They divorced when my wife was in her late teens and her dad has remarried).
Anyway about six months ago she heard about a scheme to provide supported lodging to young care leavers in exchange for what seemed like an attractive weekly payment. I used to work for social services and briefly worked as part of a scheme to help care leavers adjust to independent living. Almost of the young people we worked with needed huge amounts of practical and emotional support and placements would break down all the time.
Despite my best efforts to explain it wouldn't be like having a lodger who will come and go and keep themselves to themselves but would be a huge commitment, she seems dead seat on pursuing it. I really can't say if it is a case of pound signs in front of her eyes or just dreadful naivety on her part, but anyway the social worker handling this asked to speak to my wife about whether she thought her mother would be suitable.
Anyway I spoke to my wife today to ask how the meeting with the social worker and she was interviewed about her relationship with her mother. She told the social worker that she felt her mother was totally unsuitable, that she was cold, selfish, emotionally boxed off and had been a crap mother and was a racist (more a Daily Mail spouting reactionary bigot rather than a skull measuring neo nazi).
This has shocked me a bit as whilst we've both grumbled about her mother from time to time, she has never spoken about her in these terms to me. I'm a little bit taken aback and think if any good has come out of this, it is that it will hopefully put the kibosh on the care leavers thing (which from an outsiders perspective is probably for the best) but I am worried about how their relationship will play out from here on in. I think my wife's mother will strongly suspect why she hasn't been accepted and will sour the relationship between them.
I really don't envy her being in that position: on one hand I think it is good that she's spoken her mind to the social worker and in a sense has possibly saved her mother from herself, but I am worried about the ramifications for their long term relationship and she'll be upset by the fallout. I know it doesn't concern me directly but I'm worried for her.