To be kind of shocked by what my wife just did and worried about the fall out.

[ComposHat]

My wife is visiting her mother at the moment. Her mother is a cold, difficult and antisocial woman. I wouldn't describe her as toxic, but just distant and not engaged with her children. By all accounts it was the same in their childhood, most of the emotional and practical parenting was done by my wife's dad (They divorced when my wife was in her late teens and her dad has remarried).

Anyway about six months ago she heard about a scheme to provide supported lodging to young care leavers in exchange for what seemed like an attractive weekly payment. I used to work for social services and briefly worked as part of a scheme to help care leavers adjust to independent living. Almost of the young people we worked with needed huge amounts of practical and emotional support and placements would break down all the time.

Despite my best efforts to explain it wouldn't be like having a lodger who will come and go and keep themselves to themselves but would be a huge commitment, she seems dead seat on pursuing it. I really can't say if it is a case of pound signs in front of her eyes or just dreadful naivety on her part, but anyway the social worker handling this asked to speak to my wife about whether she thought her mother would be suitable.

Anyway I spoke to my wife today to ask how the meeting with the social worker and she was interviewed about her relationship with her mother. She told the social worker that she felt her mother was totally unsuitable, that she was cold, selfish, emotionally boxed off and had been a crap mother and was a racist (more a Daily Mail spouting reactionary bigot rather than a skull measuring neo nazi).

This has shocked me a bit as whilst we've both grumbled about her mother from time to time, she has never spoken about her in these terms to me. I'm a little bit taken aback and think if any good has come out of this, it is that it will hopefully put the kibosh on the care leavers thing (which from an outsiders perspective is probably for the best) but I am worried about how their relationship will play out from here on in. I think my wife's mother will strongly suspect why she hasn't been accepted and will sour the relationship between them.

I really don't envy her being in that position: on one hand I think it is good that she's spoken her mind to the social worker and in a sense has possibly saved her mother from herself, but I am worried about the ramifications for their long term relationship and she'll be upset by the fallout. I know it doesn't concern me directly but I'm worried for her.

But what you would have said is hopeless - much better to be honest, as your wife has been!

I doubt your DW will be the only person asked, if she's that unsuited, others would agree. Plus they'll have met her...

It also doesn't sound like your MIL is the 'take the bull by the horns and address this' type, more the 'bottle it up and stew' type. There's unlkely to be a big fight. And even if there is, it does sound like your DW could do with getting it out in the open how she feels. Give her a big hug, that was probably hard to do.

I know George I know.

Fair play to your wife!

Myson was in foster care (similar) for a little while and if I'd have thought they were doing it for financial reasons, or they were unsuitable, it woukd have made it so much harder.

She probably didn't realise herself how much she had to say on the matter until she got started! It sounds like she has done the best thing all round, and if her mother does blame her for her failure to be accepted onto this scheme, then she needs to address your wife's concerns rather than accusing her or instigating a row. She can hardly be surprised that your wife doesn't think she's suitable - she must realise that her relationship with her daughter is lacking something and wonder why that might be.

Your wife did the right thing, so you can support her by taking her side completely and unconditionally if there is any fall-out and telling her mother so if it comes to it.

Maybe the fact that her mother is actively seeking to care for vulnerable teens has pushed your DW to speak so bluntly.

It's easy to feel sympathy for someone who struggles with the way their life pans out but, when they are obviously not great at coping with teens that don't need additional support, making a conscious decision to take on a supporting role for cash is ... less sympathetic.

Well done to your wife! I was in a similar situation a while back and I regret that I didn't speak up as your wife did

I think your wife did the right thing and was courageous. I should think she has been wanting to say those things for some time . I wish I had had the courage to come right out with some of my own thoughts about my mother instead of trying to keep the peace and putting up with all the nastiness coming from her . Unresolved issues play on your mind for years . Best to get it out in the open. I suspect she couldn't care less about the possible fallout ... she's probably thought it through and decided that now is the time to come out with her real opinions and thoughts about her mother. Good on her !

She can hardly be surprised that your wife doesn't think she's suitable - she must realise that her relationship with her daughter is lacking something and wonder why that might be.

I really doesn't think she does though. She never rings or gets in touch with my wife, doesn't send birthday or Christmas cards to her, there hasn't been any great falling out, I think she just thinks that's normal and nothing more should be expected of her. When we got married she didn't congratulate us or make even a polite enquiry in the run up to the big day.

My wife has always expressed it in terms of 'well that's just how mum is ' rather than seeing it as being a dysfunctional relationship. I think I was wrong to take what she said at face value.

I'd imagine they get a few references/opinions on each person, as well as developing their own idea, then base the decision on all of it. So, there's no reason for your MIL to know who said what, or what impression she herself had given the SW for them to turn her down.

Good on her for being open and honest in a difficult situation. I think it is for the best not to be meal-mouthed when something so important is at stake.

Having opened the floodgates, you might find your wife wants to talk more to you about this than she has till now. Try to focus on her and keep your mouth shut about worrying about her relationship with her mother going forward. It was probably quite a big thing for her to have been honest - be careful not to sound like she shouldn't have been.

I don't understand what your shock is all about. Your wife has been brave to say out loud her true feelings and I don't get what ramifications there will be that are worrying you. Very odd.

My wife has always expressed it in terms of 'well that's just how mum is ' rather than seeing it as being a dysfunctional relationship.

Those two sentiments aren't mutually exclusive. My mum and I don't have a close or good relationship at all. And that's because she is the way she is, and I don't have room for the toxicity. And that's my life, and I deal with it.

You're married to someone with great integrity.

Good for your wife for having the courage not to fudge it. It can't have been easy for her. I'm sure you can support her through any fall out. I agree with another poster that it might come to nothing.

Well done to your wife.

Sadly this may not mean she doesn't do supported lodgings. :-(

Your wife was right to do what she did.

Surely, the social worker will also have interviewed your MIL, and looked at her house and so on. I'm sure there could well be other reasons why she may have been refused, so your MIL won't necessarily know it was your DW who put the kibosh on it.

I don't really like to talk about my mother with my DH. He knows we have a difficult relationship, but I also feel protective of her, and don't want other people to think poorly of her, either. So, it's complicated!

I think your wife has done exactly the right thing. She has spoken plainly and left no room for ambiguity, therefore ensuring that vulnerable care leavers will not be subjected to someone as uncaring and unsuitable as her mother.

It was probably a hard thing for your wife to do, especially if she doesn't talk about her childhood much. I think you should support and congratulate her for doing what needed to be done.

What exactly are you shocked about?

It's probably not unreasonable to be surprised, if your wife hasn't previously put it in those terms, i.e. quite so bluntly.

She has done a wonderful thing today and you should definitely be proud of her trying to protect these vulnerable younger people who deserve better.

Just shocked in the sense that I always thought that when the chips were down she'd stand up for her mother (I don't think that it would have been in anyway right) but I am shocked in a good way and slightly fearful for her in that her mother could well cut her dead. I would say 'good riddance' but then it isn't my mother and I know she'd be hurt by that.

I always thought that when the chips were down she'd stand up for her mother.

What is this "fallout" you keep melodramatically referring to? Her mum will stop taking an interest in her life? That's already how things are! It's like you're borrowing trouble.

And do you really think that lying to the authorities to help someone get money is "standing up for" someone? That's actually kind of disturbing.

For godsake man, buckle up!

Your wife is not a small child, unaware of the idea of consequences. She is a fully functioning adult, one whom you profess to love.

If she has decided that she has to speak up against her mother then you may be certain that she, as the daughter who has known the woman for the whole of her life and can best gauge what her response will be, has thought it through. Probably discussed it with the social worker prior to giving her statement.

She is probably also feeling a little bit anxious. The last thing she needs is for you to agree that she has reason to be anxious. Stop being fearful for her and start being fully supportive and loudly proud of her. Tell her you admire her stance, she is wonderful, etc. Be prepared for some fall out yourself, your wife may need to discuss this for some time to come. Your ONLY task is to be her sounding board - you have no opinion, as you say, it ain't your mum!

In short, stop thinking of your wife as a child and start getting ready to support her during the rough times you suspect she may be in for.

(Was that plain enough without being too hurtful?? Tough love and all that tosh!)

Blood is not thicker than water when someone is abusive.

If your MIL cuts her daughter dead for speaking the truth then that is really no loss at all.

Your wife impresses me greatly.

No nomama it was probably what I needed to be told. I am probably over-thinking this to a huge degree.

Itsfab yes you and I can see that, but then we are both detached from the situation to a certain degree. It wouldn't cause me a moments grief if I never saw or spoke to my wife's mother again. Objectively it wouldn't alter things dramatically from my wife's perspective, but I get the sense that if things got ugly, it would be very hurtful to her.