to cancel contact with dds father in favour of her being in a show?

[butternutposh]

Dd is 7, yr 2 at school. She started nursery at 3 and from then until October 2013 didn't speak a single word to any adult or child at school or nursery. She was seeing a speech therapist but in the end a family trip triggered her talking about it at school and now she talks confidently. It is a huge turnaround and she's visibly happier.

In December she asked to join a drama group with her friend as she loves the theatre. Keen to build her confidence, I agreed and she's been attending weekly since. Back in March she was picked for a role in their annual show, a speaking part! I was so pleased and proud and dd was clearly very proud of herself too. She's been rehearsing since and has come on leaps and bounds.

When dd was offered the part, I emailed her father to tell him as obviously it's a huge deal for dd. He didn't respond. It then transpired that the shows are on 'his' weekend with dd. She has to be at the theatre from 5-9 on the Friday and Saturday night. I emailed explaining this and said I was happy to swap weekends if he wanted as the theatre is ten mins from us and 30 from him. He kicked up a fuss saying contact is more important and shouldn't be disrupted and that he refused to take her or swap weekends.

I replied reiterating how important this is to dd and offering a variety of alternative contact dates, and indeed additional contact in place of the show times/weekend. He ignored me. He's obviously been hearing from dd for months that she's been rehearsing each week but only now, three weeks before the show has he decided to tell me that she will not be doing the show because he isn't prepared to change contact dates or take her to the show or allow me to takeher and rreturn her to him.

Theres no court order in place. Aibu if I override him and say dd can do the show? If I change contact he'll probably take me to court but if dd has to drop out it could put her back to square one.

Have just been through and checked my paperwork from when DS' Dad was taking me through court, one of our early contact orders actually states 'Mr x must arrange to take DS to any parties or extra-curricular events, if appropriate, when they fall during contact.' not that it meant anything as the prick kept breaking the contact orders anyway and the courts eventually ordered no contact for other reasons

So yeah, the judge we had definitely felt that activities and parties were more important than Dad's choice of what to do, the judge did also give DS' Dad a very long lecture about putting DSs needs first.

Im not in this situation but it seems some parents obsess about their days above everything else he is being stubborn and only thinking of himself your dds happness must come first let her do her show tell him to wind his neck in and ask if he wants a ticket arse

Don't be ridiculous Andrew why does the non resident parent get to monopolises the child. There is no reason why the dad can't take her or see her at the show. This is what the child wants to do as part of an ongoing commitment.

That mail is like a ref rag to a bull, momama sorry I wouldn't send anything like that.

Just state dc is doing the show he is welcome to come and watch or arrange a different contact time other wise she will see him next time he is due to have her.

So when does OP, or any parent, stand up to the non res parent on behalf of their child?

It was intended as a red rag to a bull. It was intended to step things up so that he might start to see that he is being unreasonable and that he is not in control and that his DD comes first.

Rather than OP continuing to walk on eggshells and to practice some of the, frankly ridiculous, avoidance techniques from up thread, she has a golden opportunity to have all the nasties brought out and dealt with in a situation where no one would take his side, legally or socially.

OP has his emails, which themselves are a red rag to a bull, but hey he's the man so he gets to post such things ?? I think not. OP has every right to be firm with him, her daughter requires mums steps up for her. Continuing to 'take it' from him only perpetuates his belief he is right and OPs belief that she must try to appease him.

In short, sod him. Let him throw all of his toys out of his pram. He will end up looking ridiculous and OP and her daughter will get some sense of normality back!

I really dislike the idea of her not being able to pursue her talents, potential, or hobbies on 'his' time. It's very sad. It's her time too and presumably she does her activities on 'your' time.

A bit extreme, and people might disagree, but I think he's very selfish in the above and I'd be rethinking the whole structure of the contact to enable her to do some of the above on a regular basis.

I see your point but don't agree it's the best way to go about it. OP can't control his behaviour and neither does she or dd need to accept it, but it seems pointless in being drawn into it. OP can be firm and assertive by not responding to his bull shift by giving him a reasonable opportunity to be involved and then just being clear this is what is happening. She does not need to invite him to discuss this reasonably or other wise or give him ultimatums. This is what's happening end of is all he needs after initially being reasonable, it's certainly not appeasing him one bit.

It's all about him, the contact. Your dd's wishes being secondary almost.

OP sounds like you've got a selfish shit for an ex, but I remember NRP clients whose exes invariably tried to cancel contact if they did not like what NRP was planning. NRPs need to be able to plan ahead - and sometimes that will mean making bookings and paying for them, or arranging to meet parents and siblings - the child's rellies - in the knowledge that PWC will not come up with something different and throw a spanner in the works. It's not just NRPs who can be selfish and controlling. MN is - I am not being sarcastic here - self-selected to be full of the decent types who want to be fair and make contact work so I don't expect anyone here to recognise themselves in the picture of the selfish PWC but she, and less often he, is out there.

Absolutely take her to the show. It might actually be in your DD's best interests to go to court if he is ordered to let her go to her hobbies.

Let him take you to court. Print all his emails that show he has refused to let DD do things she really wants to.

Keep a track of all the parties etc that she has to miss as a result of him.

See if you can get evidence that he is doing HIS hobbies.

Hopefully the court can order him to keep her involved in her hobbies.

The court will impose a compromise which won't entirely suit either party and will sometimes lead to contact at times which don't suit the PWC. And neither will get legal aid. It really should be the last resort.