to cancel contact with dds father in favour of her being in a show?

[butternutposh]

Dd is 7, yr 2 at school. She started nursery at 3 and from then until October 2013 didn't speak a single word to any adult or child at school or nursery. She was seeing a speech therapist but in the end a family trip triggered her talking about it at school and now she talks confidently. It is a huge turnaround and she's visibly happier.

In December she asked to join a drama group with her friend as she loves the theatre. Keen to build her confidence, I agreed and she's been attending weekly since. Back in March she was picked for a role in their annual show, a speaking part! I was so pleased and proud and dd was clearly very proud of herself too. She's been rehearsing since and has come on leaps and bounds.

When dd was offered the part, I emailed her father to tell him as obviously it's a huge deal for dd. He didn't respond. It then transpired that the shows are on 'his' weekend with dd. She has to be at the theatre from 5-9 on the Friday and Saturday night. I emailed explaining this and said I was happy to swap weekends if he wanted as the theatre is ten mins from us and 30 from him. He kicked up a fuss saying contact is more important and shouldn't be disrupted and that he refused to take her or swap weekends.

I replied reiterating how important this is to dd and offering a variety of alternative contact dates, and indeed additional contact in place of the show times/weekend. He ignored me. He's obviously been hearing from dd for months that she's been rehearsing each week but only now, three weeks before the show has he decided to tell me that she will not be doing the show because he isn't prepared to change contact dates or take her to the show or allow me to takeher and rreturn her to him.

Theres no court order in place. Aibu if I override him and say dd can do the show? If I change contact he'll probably take me to court but if dd has to drop out it could put her back to square one.

When my step children were young we had them every weekend. We lived an hour away. My DH took them to every party, every event, every school BBQ. He spent hours in coffee shops waiting for them, or watching them, driving back and forth from football games to brownies. ExW was of course on the doorstep but as we had them every weekend we did the travelling and social lives.

It's what Dads and Mums do. We never said no unless there was a really really good reason.

He's being unfair to your DD. She comes first. Her needs. Not his wishes. He needs to fit in with her life and understand that parties and the like are important social events.

The fact that your DD is speaking in public is a BIG deal; for any kids, but more so for your daughter.

Sorry...I'm ranting a bit as I just can't believe he doesn't want to see her show.

Wow I'm not usually in favour of swapping weekends loads because of stuff but it's a show! A very important show! Why on earth won't he take her? It's only 30 mins away. Strange.

I would email him saying that unless he is prepared to take her himself, she will not be visiting that weekend.

Alpaca he's definitely getting them. My last email said 'unless I hear from you by X date to arrange a swap I'll presume you're willing to sacrifice contact rather than swap it. I hope you can support dd in this achievement, tickets for the show are available from the theatre box office or online.' He replied weeks after X date saying he will not be swapping and refuses to allow any activities or parties on his weekends.

If I say that about him taking her now fence he's likely to lie and say he'll take her but actually not do so.

I wouldn't let him agree to take her now TBH. I wouldn't trust that he would. I think it's a real shame he had no interest in seeing the show. I think your plan to not mention it now until after the next contact is what you should do and when she returns ask him face to face or message him asking if he wants a ticket.

I think I remember a thread about the dance lessons. He's so mean. Let him go court and they can tell him hes a selfish arse

As a sm I am disgusted at your ex's behaviour!!! My dp works shifts so isn't always around on contact days but if the kids need to be somewhere then I take them if it's important to them!!

Like other posters I wouldn't normally advocate cancelling contact but it sounds like you have done everything possible to facilitate and he is just being a tosser!! Cancel the contact and tell him you will see him on court!

Wish your daughter good luck!!

You've been very patient with him. Keep the emails that showed you tried to negotiate with him. He doesn't exactly sound like a go-getter though. I'll be very surprised if he goes to court. In future if she has a party or anything else of importance on one of his weekends, cancel him and keep the evidence - party invites, etc. Remind him of what Xihha says, that contact is for her, not for him, and if he won't parent her on those days you'll have to take over.

Stop treading on eggshells for this manchild. Put your dd first. She may be less intimidated by him once she starts to see that his wants don't always take priority over hers.

I think I'd be stopping contact altogether until he can put her needs first. And if that means court so be it

Wow, how can he not see how unreasonable he is being. Definitely do as others suggest, you have been more than fair.

Wow I can see why you are no longer with him. Contact is for the benefit of the child. He doesn't allow parties or activities on his weekends. Hmm do you keep a diary? I suggest you keep all communications to and from him. I am inclined to believe he won't go to court, he'll that may involve a round trip to a court house and possibly a meeting with a solicitor. If he cannot be bothered to see his daughter in a play then a trip to court seems unlikely, but I would keep all correspondence pluscdetailed notes regarding what he says to her.

When she is 10 or 11 good luck to him. It's a year of parties as is year 7 at secondary and year 8. Boring old dad who doesn't let her do parties is going to be avoided each weekend. Keep the diary up as you may need it.

Someone more knowledgeable than me may know how the judge would see it. I'd like to think the British system would put the needs of the child first it's only a 30 min drive. I am cross on your behalf. Dad should be on the front row both nights.

He sounds like a prick.

Cancel the contact for that weekend and take your dd to the show. Email him to ask one more time if he wants tickets or not.

I doubt that he would persuade a lawyer to take this to court, no lawyer likes looking ridiculous. And if he went to court without one, you could take the opportunity to ask the court to consider the situation with party invitations etc as well, so from his point of view he could end up worse off. Sadly, he's going the right way to alienate dd when she's older.

Yanbu, definitely let her continue in the show. He should be supporting her. How sad for your dd to miss the show which she's practicing for, just so he gets his weekend.

Let her do the show.
Definitely.
YANBU.

YANBU. She should do the show. I wouldn't swap weekends either.

Hope your dd has a great time. She will get a lot out of this opportunity. You must be so proud of her.

YANBU - the theatre is 30 minutes from him and he could take her if he wanted but clearly can't be arsed!

Surely part of being a parent and having contact is supporting DCs in activities that are important to them.

He sounds like a selfish arsehole - he says he wants to see his DD but won't go to see her in the play!

I haven't read the whole thread, but I want you to know that I have the same issue with DD's Dad. She's a very keen participant in the local theatre school shows, and like your daughter it has really boosted her self esteem and confidence (She has Cerebral Palsy)

Dad dictates when contact is to suit him as it is, so when rehearsals fall on what he deems to be 'his day', he refuses to take her. It all came to a head about year ago, and I stopped contact as he was constantly making her choose between him and the show and she was getting so distressed. Also he simply wasn't seeing his kids enough as it was and I was so sick of his half arsed parenting. like you I offered tickets for the show etc etc....So I did 8 months NC, it was very very hard, but eventually the kids have gone back, after alot of arguing. I've managed to get him to agree dates 3 months in advance, (his work schedule is 1 year in advance) and he is now taking his son to football if he has him on a Sunday, and has said when the show starts up again he will take his daughter. He's not upped his contact, and I don't think he ever will (Married the woman he had a 5 year affair with, is clearly enjoying a lifestyle without responsibility for his kids) so there comes to a point you might just have to accept he's not going to budge.

That said, I think you're doing the right thing, hopefully he might work it out at some point....I remain hopeful. xx

I think you are both being unreasonable. He is being unreasonable by digging his heels in and not being flexible for the benefit of his DD. You are being unreasonable by arranging activities during his contact time without agreeing it with him before hand and then just expecting him to fall in line.

Cancel the contact, but you need to agree future dates long in advance and then honour them - if something else comes up you have to say No, that's your weekend with DF and change the subject so that it is taken for granted that those dates are sacrosanct. From professional experience:many PWCs do regard contact as something that only happens if DC has nothing else to do. Please don't be like that.

OP didn't arrange anything - its a show!

I'm really sorry, but I don't think you can "not arrange activities during contact time" it's really difficult with kids, sometimes you just have to suck it up if they have a party and take them. My ex wouldnt take to parties either....it's just not possible to explain to a five year old that they can't go to a party as their dad says it's "his day"

It's their day...always and that's what both parents need to realise. Obviously, repeatedly arranging stuff unecessarily on another parents day is not ok, but this is a one off and completely different.

This is once per year Andrew and the dates for the show aren't set in stone until after rehearsals have begun. Should she miss the group altogether on the offchance the show will be on his weekend? I don't think that's fair.

She has several activities, such as dancing and swimming, that she isn't able to pursue despite being talented because of his reluctance to allow her to do anything on his time - even if its only a swim gala every three months. Not to.mention refusing to meet her friends/take her to any (dd and I don't expect all) or allow me to take her to any parties. He's preventing her from living her life how she'd like to live it and that isn't best for her. To make things worse, he often does his hobby at the weekend even when he has dd so he gets a life but she doesn't.

OP one more email:

Dear X, given that you have been so unreasonable as to demand that DD sacrifices her place in the school show simply because it happens to fall on your contact weekend I have decided, unilaterally, that she will be missing that one, specific weekend with you. You should be ashamed of yourself, upsetting her just to fulfill your own selfish needs.

Should you wish to discuss this reasonably I will respond via email. If you wish to argue about this may I suggest mediation or a court to formally put in place access arrangements?

Again, I am not stopping her from seeing you, I am stopping you from making her miserable. Preventing her from taking part in a show she has rehearsed for for so many months is a reprehensible act and I will not allow you to upset her in this manner.

Normal contact will resume immediately after the show.

Yours,

Then ignore him if he is rude, respond only if he plays nice.