Bringing a friend along

[Verycold]

Have arranged a meeting with three friends plus dc for Thursday this week. Now one friend has asked if she can bring another friend along, one none of us knows. Aibu to be less than enthusiastic about it? IMO it changes the whole dynamic of the get together?

Surely of you're meeting up with kids there will hardly be loads of reminiscing going on - more snatched conversation between sorting out children. Because it's a daytime thing with kids YABU.

I don't think you deserve a telling off. I have friends that like to surround themselves with a cast of thousands and others that are always more the merrier. I don't usually mind but in the circumstance you describe I did, very much.

If it's cliquey and unwelcoming to enjoy the company of old friends for time to time, so be it.

I have a wide circle of friends but a few close mates that I will always see as something more. Some people don't have/ want that type of closeness.

yanbu

it does change the dynamic. however, she might be really nice. go with an open mind.

Years ago I went to a meet from another forum where we had all met before and knew each other. One person suddenly turned up with a friend who spent the time monopolising her as she didn't know anyone from adam and didn't want to know, had no interest in the group's interest (architecture) and spent the time criticising the fact that we were wandering around a stately home taking photos of the architectural features and discussing them in a geeky way - she wanted to spend the day in the pub instead. (We were going to the pub in the evening for a meal)

Halfway through she decided she had had enough and made such a fuss about how boring it was that both her and the forum member left and it really ruined the day.

YANBU.

I think we can assume that the stranger will be nice, butThats not the point. The world is full of nice people. Ionly want to hang out with them if I choose to though.

No, it is not acceptable to say you're bringing somebody else after the arrangements have been made. It's also pretty crap to invite people to things, have them say yes, then tell them later that other people will be coming too.

Time is precious. I want to spend it with people of my choosing! And I'm not looking for new friends. I already feel frustrated at how little I get to see the ones I already have.

Totally not unreasonable.

Are you nervous before meeting people and you don' t want to face 'unknown' situations?

I don't think there would be much time for reminiscing/private jokes etc if you have all the dcs there anyway as you'd probably be keeping an eye on them. IMO if you try to have any sort of in-depth conversation it's a waste of time as the dcs always interrupt! So I save those sorts of chats for the rare occasions when it's adults only.

YABU. I always like meeting new people and they're usually friends of friends.

OP, if you are meeting up in a public place (like a park) the new friend might be a puppy for all you know! I have jokey friends who would enjoy winding others up like this.

Anyway, your friend must think you are a decent enough bunch and won't make the addition to the group (who may only show up on this occasion) feel odd or uncomfortable. Could be a lovely person with great kids, then again maybe not.

YAB a bit U

I think YABU. I am 30 and have no real friends. I've moved a lot and whilst I've made acquaintances by trying to join clubs etc, I've not been accepted into any friendship groups probably because noone wants to be the one who invited the new person. I wish I had a friend like yours.

YABU

I would assume that me good/close friends wouldn't ring along someone the rest of us wouldn't click with - at least until it was proved otherwise.

Maybe your friend is bored of reminiscing and wants fresh conversation with her long term friends and this is a subtle way of doing so? Maybe your friend is just a nice person and sees absolutley nothing unusal in bringing people she likes together?

The only time I would have an issue is if I'd said "look friend A and friend B, I'm having a few personal problems right now and I'm looking forward to getting the benefit of your wisdom" and then A or B decides to bring someone else along.

Sorry about typos - that should obviously read "I would assume that MY good/close friends wouldn't BRING along..."

I think that given it's just a casual meet up with kids included YAB a bit U.

If it was a catch up between old college friends or workmates and someone just brought along a totally unconnected person, then I would be annoyed, definitely.

icecream - My observation of others is that some really don't seem to get group dynamics. If I am arranging something, I think carefully about who I invite. Others just invite anyone, with the more the merrier idea.

As a result I have been on social evenings with lots of individually nice people, but it doesn't work, because the dynamics are not right. If the dynamics are right, a social evening can be enormous fun. That doesn't mean you never ever invite new people along, or that you leave anyone out overall, it does mean that you think carefully in terms of who you bring together.

Actually, just realised you only get to meet up a couple of times a year, so yes, I can understand your disappointment. YANBU.

Oh and I've no idea why one or two posters gave you such a telling off either.

If you had said in your opening post that you only met up rarely you would have had totally different responses!

As you only meet up rarely, YANBU to not want the additional person catch up.

icecream - My observation of others is that some really don't seem to get group dynamics. If I am arranging something, I think carefully about who I invite. Others just invite anyone, with the more the merrier idea.

As a result I have been on social evenings with lots of individually nice people, but it doesn't work, because the dynamics are not right.

Maybe it works for most other people attending though?

I'm really racking my brains to try and think of a time when a friend has brought someone else along and it's actually detracted from the event and I just can't.

I wouldn't mind at all if a meet-up with kids, because you can't really have very personal conversations with them around- plus if in daytime, you can all muddle along together in the park or wherever. I really wouldn't have a problem with this- I have joined in friendship groups when going to stay with a friend and am always happy to have more rather then fewer when arranging meet-ups.

The exception to this might be a girls night out with very old friends who I hardly see- even then I would still not really mind an additional person. One on one with an old friend- would piss me off if they brought a third person.

This is in the daytime though, with kids, with several people. Just don't see the issue myself.

icecream - It really hasn't. Everyone has a pleasant enough evening, but it isn't enormous fun. With the latter kind of eveing people afterwards say things like - what a great evening that was, we must do it again soon. With the former, people don't say that. So it is not just me.

And I am not talking just about bringing someone new along. I am talking about the mix of people. Group dynamics are important.

You sound horribly cliquey OP. Maybe this person is new to the area, doesn't know anyone and is feeling a bit lonely?

Then she can be invited to another night out. And going to a renuion of a few friends who will talk a lot about shared past events, is bound to make anyone new feel even more lonely.

Yes, I get that, but the OP's friend obviously thinks the person they are bringing along will get the dynamics of that group. The friend might be capable of thinking carefully of who to invite too?

I just never realised it was even an issue for someone else to come along to what I assume is a fairly informal event. I may be reading this entirely long but I'm picturing a coffee & cake scenario or ice creams in the park.

YANBU this would annoy me. Of course bigger group events out are different. I like meeting new people. But not if I've specifically arranged to meet old friends for a rare catch-up.

Everyone's different. Some always take a 'more the merrier' approach to events. Others really appreciate group dynamics being maintained and don't feel that comfortable with a new person suddenly being landed in.

But I do think that when a large element of a meet up is for old friends to chat and catch up, bringing an 'outsider' along can be irritating. If it's friends who see each other often, that's a different matter and can sometimes bring a welcome change to an event.