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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bringing a friend along

89 replies

Verycold · 26/05/2014 21:23

Have arranged a meeting with three friends plus dc for Thursday this week. Now one friend has asked if she can bring another friend along, one none of us knows. Aibu to be less than enthusiastic about it? IMO it changes the whole dynamic of the get together?

OP posts:
lilola · 26/05/2014 23:45

YABU that woman may be short of friends and it's nice of your friend to include her. please be welcoming

RedSoloCup · 26/05/2014 23:51

Yabu, why would she even ask? I've met up with groups of friends before who have without asking brought other friends along and I've not thought anything of it at all.
Different if you were meeting in your house or something but otherwise absolutely fine imo.

Original poster
Verycold · 27/05/2014 00:14

Will have to get my head round it then...

OP posts:
slithytove · 27/05/2014 00:17

Yanbu, I'd be disappointed if having a rare meet up with old friends and there was an interloper curtailing the reminiscing.

DH doesn't get invited to my meet us with old friends for this very reason, despite them getting along very well.

wafflyversatile · 27/05/2014 00:29

It might not be the day you envisioned but that doesn't mean it won't be a lovely day.

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 27/05/2014 00:34

YABU. That's how I met one of my closest friends.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/05/2014 00:35

"We only get together twice a year or so."
Given that you meet so rarely, I'm surprised that the friend who asked didn't also give a reason why she wanted to bring a stranger with her. You are right, it will change the dynamic; instead of catching up with old friends you'll all be sitting around on best behaviour. YANBU.

calmet · 27/05/2014 03:05

Yanbu. I hate this. It does change the dynamics of a small group. You can't for example joke about past stuff as you don;t want to leave the new person out, or you end up having to explain every joke about the past.

sykadelic · 27/05/2014 03:15

As you said it was a once in a while thing, then YANBU

Meeting up with friends after a long time apart is not something a random person wants to come to. They don't understand the in jokes, don't understand the stories and you'd spend the whole time explaining things. Also, if you only meet once or twice, it's unlikely this person would become a life-long friend (well for some people).

Just say "I was hoping it could be just us close friends so we could reminisce. Your friend might feel awkward." You could also ask whether there's a particular reason she's being invited (is she having a hard time and need to be with people etc etc) if that really mattered.

I personally hate when people do this because, while sometimes I don't mind new friends, I don't like it forced on me like that. Especially in a close/dinner type situation. I'd prefer it to be a party or random meeting. It's a different mindset. Stresses me out otherwise.

Original poster
Verycold · 27/05/2014 07:30

I am glad it's not just me being mean! But of course I will be friendly :-)

OP posts:
wtffgs · 27/05/2014 07:31

YABU and a bit uptight IMO Grin

FGS it's a bunch of friends meeting up not some sacred ritual Hmm

Original poster
Verycold · 27/05/2014 07:32

But but but... It means it changes the stuff you can talk about and the jokes you might laugh about doesn't it, when it's somebody new?

OP posts:
CalamitouslyWrong · 27/05/2014 07:34

You're not that close friends if you only meet up once OT twice a year anyway.

CalamitouslyWrong · 27/05/2014 07:35

Once or twice, if I could reliably press buttons.

AlpacaPicnic · 27/05/2014 07:44

YANBU to feel a little bit disappointed that your day won't be quite the same as you planned but you never know, it could end up being great!

I do feel it's a bit strange to invite someone else along when you only catch up a couple of times a year, if it was once every couple of weeks then it's different. Fwiw, I would always think very carefully about introducing two sets of friends, and only do it if I think they will have stuff in common and are the kind of people who could get on with each other.

Silver linings though - your new friend might be a fantastic baker, or own lots of ponies or something brilliant like that!

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 27/05/2014 07:56

Yanbu. I don't understand why she wants to bring someone else. If this were a reverse, how would it go? I do the same thing with and it would change things.

My social life is a house of cards and this would turn what you expect into something else.
This happened last year. The new person didn't click with someone else and there was tension. This year the same person is attending and one of the others is bringing a partner. I'd be happy to attend a more the merrier event. That isn't what this was for me and makes me feel like some if the friendships have run their course. I won't be going this year.

My friend has form for it. She is OK she wants to kill two birds with one stone. If she wants to cheer someone up/ get to know someone better/ reciprocate an invitation then she should do that. It's OK that I don't fancy it.

Coffee morning, a meet up with school gate mums = the more the merrier, all included. A twice yearly get together with x in common should be enough.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 27/05/2014 07:57

Yanbu. I don't understand why she wants to bring someone else. If this were a reverse, how would it go? I do the same thing with and it would change things.

My social life is a house of cards and this would turn what you expect into something else.
This happened last year. The new person didn't click with someone else and there was tension. This year the same person is attending and one of the others is bringing a partner. I'd be happy to attend a more the merrier event. That isn't what this was for me and makes me feel like some if the friendships have run their course. I won't be going this year.

My friend has form for it. She is OK she wants to kill two birds with one stone. If she wants to cheer someone up/ get to know someone better/ reciprocate an invitation then she should do that. It's OK that I don't fancy it.

Coffee morning, a meet up with school gate mums = the more the merrier, all included. A twice yearly get together with x in common should be enough.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 27/05/2014 08:01

Sorry for the double post and poor grammar.

slithytove · 27/05/2014 08:02

I don't think that's true calamitous my three oldest friends and I still stay in touch over the phone and FaceTime, but only manage to see each other a couple of times a year due to one living in New York, one being on maternity leave (therefore needing childcare) in the NW, one with difficult shift patterns in Scotland, and one in London.

All have busy lives, and it is difficult to schedule a meet up what the first friend is back from NY and the other 3 can get their ducks in a row.

We are still very close though, and would resent an interloper to our rare (and therefore treasured) meet ups.

Original poster
Verycold · 27/05/2014 08:05

I didn't realise that you can only be really close friends if you meet up often?

OP posts:
Montegomongoose · 27/05/2014 08:05

We only get together twice a year or so

Totally different dynamic. You should have made that clear.

Nope not U at all

slithytove · 27/05/2014 08:06

My dad lives 8000 miles away from me and I see him 2/3 times a year.
I guarantee, we are still close.

flipchart · 27/05/2014 08:11

This happens all the time in my group.

I have met some lovely people through friends of friends, that are now my friend.

I can't believe how mean spirited you are!!

So what if you only meet a couple of times a year. You don't have to be on 'best behaviour' as some one put it!how ridiculous.

You are grown women not 12 year old.

Get a life!

Original poster
Verycold · 27/05/2014 08:21

Wow do I really need telling off in such strong terms??

OP posts:
Katisha · 27/05/2014 08:30

I have a friend who can't seem to turn up to things without bringing another person. She is the type who thinks the more the merrier. Actually I would be hoping to see just her for a proper catch up. She's done it so often I hardly see her now. It makes things really strained. Once we took DCs and went to stay with her for the weekend to discover she had also invited another family we didn't know from Adam. It was awkward to say the least and we haven't been since. I have no idea why she does it. And no I haven't made new friends as a result. So OP I think yanbu.