Am I interfering and wanting things done 'my way' or is dh being unreasonable?

[Hellokittycat]

I feel as though dh doesn't do his fair share at home. We often argue over it. He feels hard done by as due to the constant arguments he feels pushed into doing more than he thinks he should. I still feel as though things aren't fair and that I am having to constantly battle to even get to that point (not fair, but fairer than they would be if I didn't battle)
DH works hard, he works from home so is here a lot. I am a SAHM to 3 children, 2 at school and one whirlwind toddler.
I do all the housework, all the washing, all the cooking, all the homework at the weekends, all the organising etc. DH baths the kids and puts them to bed most nights (except youngest who is still bf), plus he makes me a cup of tea every morning when the alarm goes off and loads the dishwasher on the occasional evening.
I've asked many a time for him to cook just one meal a week, at the weekend as I don't like cooking and am fed up of it 7 days a week. It's happened once this year I think. If I want a lie in, I have to tell him the night before, wake up first with the kids and wake him up repeatedly to remind him to get up etc. if he wants a lie in, he just doesn't get up and then saunters downstairs a couple of hours after I'm up saying 'thanks for the lie in'
Anyway, today he said he wanted a couple of hours to do some eBay stuff. I said fine, he could have the morning to do that, I would sort the kids etc as long as after lunch (we went out for lunch) he would look after the kids so I could sort out the back log of washing. He said fine. He had his eBay time, we went out for lunch. As we were finishing lunch he said 'what shall we do this afternoon?' I said he'd promised to watch the kids while I did stuff, he said 'oh yes I'd forgotten, well you could do that later, shall we go to the park first?' I said no as it was gone 3pm and we didn't have enough time to fit both in. He was sarky about that but agreed. We got home about 4, I've been sorting the house and he's been watching the kids. They eat tea at 5/5.30 usually, to get to bed for 7.30. I didn't want to nag so left it till I was sure he'd forgotten their tea befor I mentioned it at 5.45... Just said its getting quite late for tea for the kids? He was surprised that I wasn't making tea. I reminded him that he agreed to watch the kids for a couple of hours and he said that he was watching them, but didn't realise that included making tea? I asked him if he could please make something quickly as it was getting late. (Imagining beans on toast, something quick).
Go back to kitchen at 6.15 and he is chopping carrots to begin making a cooked meal. I said something about it being a bit late to start a big meal, which won't be ready for at least half an hour and mentioned that I would have thought beans on toast would be better and he's got the massive arse with me that I expect him to do things 'exactly as I would' and won't let him just get on with things his way.
I feel like I can't win. That's exactly why I waited till later to remind him about dinner as I wanted to give him a chance to do it his way, but he didn't do it at all! If I don't say anything, nothing gets done, if I do say something then I'm nagging and wanting everything done 'my way'
Surely wanting our children fed at a reasonable time is not ott?
Sorry this is so long. DH is really lovely in other ways, he's brilliant with the kids in terms of playing with them and doing fun things together. He loves family time and days out together, he works very hard and I could spend every last penny of what he earns on myself and he wouldn't say a word. He's great with being flexible during the week with switching his working hours to allow the kids to do various activities when I can't be in two places at once.
I feel very confused. I veer between thinking that I am too harsh on him and should chill out so we stop the constant bickering and thinking that he takes the piss and I am not harsh enough!

I see what you mean. Leave him to it.

I see things more from the working out of the home partner side of things as that's my experience. My pet hate is if I'm cooking and DH comes and 'fusses'. I'm a shit cook. But I try. I just give him 'the look' and he puts the spoon down and leaves my shit be.

My rule is if you think you can do it better shut up or do it yourself. I hate feeling 'managed' in my own home. I try and do my share when DH is occupied with something else. Otherwise I'm doing the hall, and he starts trying to do the bloody cupboard at the same time while 'roping me in'. Damn it if I wanted to do the cupboard I'd do it. Leave me be!

I think I need my own thread!

Sorry if I was projecting.

The more you say about him the more cuntish he sounds actually. The fact that he "doesn't see the point" in looking after the children so you can do your hobby/study says very clearly that he places no value whatsoever on your time, you are basically "mum" and need permission and special arrangements to get out of that, whereas he is still a person whose time is very important and Must Not Be Disturbed. It shows a real lack of respect.

I'm split. I work full-time and do all that you do and have always done. Our DC are 19 and nearly 16 now and I went back to work full-time when they were 6 and 9.

My DH is a workaholic and I can count on one hand the number of times he has cooked (although I was professionally trained to cook and it one of my life's loves and I find it therapeutic) and he certainly never did a bath or bedtime during the week. BUT when I was a SAHM he was entirely happy to pay a cleaner and also gave me at least 3 hours every weekend to myself even when he was working longer hours than most humans can endure though to him it was never just work.

Yes, it does sound like there is a huge imbalance here.

Is he otherwise a decent guy? If yes, I would consider the following.

Make a list of everything that needs done on a weekly basis.

Allocate jobs to yourself which can be done in the day (yours) and decide which happen after he has finished work. Those jobs should be shared. (E.g. Dinner, dishwasher, bath and bedtimes)

Decide how many nights you want to spend together, and how many you want alone.

Those alone nights HAVE to mean that the other person does everything. DH can't expect you to handle everything when he goes out if he won't do the same for you.

I would then enforce this as sternly as possible. If you decide that you each get two nights, then make it clear that from 6pm or whatever you are off limits to everyone, regardless of what DH is doing. If you have to leave the house at first to enforce this, then do so. He needs to get into the habit of parenting (not just playing) on his own. Be flexible in case as you have said he needs to work late.

Implement the sat/sun ly ins we discussed. Share all errands equally on weekends. There is no harm in saying DH stick a wash on or please go make lunch etc.

Once you have this going for a few weeks, have a discussion about you not having to delegate everything, that you would like him to suggest making lunch, or notice that the washing basket is full etc. if he is anything like my DH this will take a long time! But persevere.

Timetabling will be your friend here. If he isn't an inherently selfish guy then he will have just slipped into bad habits which are hard to break.

I would also try to get as much done during school hours as possible (with a lively toddler, maybe not much lol!) so you aren't having to do sorting or washing on the weekends.

I have a 14 mo old, and we do literally no errands on the weekends other than what we create if that makes sense. So basically just pet care, cooking, cleaning up after said cooking, and tidying the endless children's toys. But nothing else. This helps too as weekends are very clearly defined as fun time.

2 nights a week each where you are off limits? I don't get this rigidity in a relationship, I really don't. My kids are sometimes ill or overtired and they might want me or they might call for their Dad. Buggered if I will be saying 'sorry DD Dad is downstairs but it doesn't matter if you really want to tell him something exciting about your day or have him listen to you read your new book, because it's his Night Off and he Must Not be Disturbed. And tomorrow it's my night off so I won't be tucking you in even if you are feeling a bit poorly and want a cuddle from your Mum'.

I mean, yes if you each want a lie in one has Sat and one Sun. That makes sense. But one has Sat, one has Sun, one has Mon night, one has Tue, one has Wed and one has Thursday....can't you pull together?? Mariage isn't about splitting work 50:50, it's about pulling together in the same direction, 100% each...a team, surely? If he were my DP that is the message I would be working on

He sees it all as your job (bar the fun bits) but knows you would hit the roof if he admitted it.

He does a lot less practically and mentally (in terms of thinking about what needs doing) than if he were single. That can't be right, can it? I've said before that this is where the glass ceiling is, not at work. What kind of work does he do? Does it involve planning and thinking ahead?

I don't know what to suggest. Talking to him, I guess. But you need to have your thinking clear first.

I mean, a team doens't necessarily mean each does half of every job. You play to your strengths and to your time. Eg if he likes cooking, he does more of that, and in return you do more of the bathing...or whatever.

I know in some people's homes stuff just gets done and both parents muck in, but this is not what we have here.

kitty wants her dh to do some things without her having to ask every time and to have at least one lie in per week and her dh wants to have 3 evenings a week to himself and peace to work during the day.

They need to sit down and do a deal, assuming that the other person will just do stuff is not working for them

Clairewitch, was that directed at me?

I never said off limits, and if you got that impression from my post it would be directed at OP's DH rather than kids.

There is nothing wrong with an adult (we do one night a week each) having child free time to themselves. Certainly if they were out the house, they would be 'off limits' as you put it.

I see exactly where you are coming from but can also see why some people are saying YABU.

I reckon the best thing you can do is accept that you are just going to have to spell it out for him. 'Can you look after the kids and cook tea...and wash up..?' or whatever.

And yes, it is rigid if for instance the parent attends a gym class one night a week or something similar.

I really don't see the harm in kids knowing that Thursday is daddy's night with them and mummy is out.

never said off limits to children - that is to reinforce it with DH who seems to think that OP's hobbies don't count

Claire, if she doesn't ring fence it in this way she will never get a break at all.

We have one night each where we are out doing our 'thing' - v different activities, to quite a high standard. It's fab.

Thank you mother, you said in one sentence what I was struggling to convey.

In an equal relationship, one doesn't have to be so dramatic about it. But when learning new habits and how not to be selfish, you have to be a bit stricter than normal about enforcing the new way of doing things.

Plenty of time for relaxed flexibility once DH respects OP's down time.

"I do think thoughtless describes it well"
Personally, I'd be more inclined to describe it as 'abdicating responsibility'. Thoughtless = not thinking about what he needs to do because it's not his job to think it's yours = abdicating responsibility. And yes, I think there's a subconscious "doing something badly so that you don't get asked again" ( Alibabaandthe40nappies ).

I think you should listen to StandsOnGoldenSands "Do you both have equal amounts of leisure time ? That is your starting point."

Because that is a long way from your current situation, isn't it? "Dh has 2 or 3 nights out every week ... He kind of thinks that my night off to myself is the night he is working, but I don't feel like I get to unwind as he's shut in his office and I'm fielding children asking questions and putting then back to bed. I never know when I will be disturbed and therefore can't relax. I'd like him to take one evening a week and be on 'duty' so I can ignore and relax myself but he thinks that's a waste when I'm only at home anyway ... [he] doesn't see the point in watching them so I can relax or study or do my hobby at home"

So he has two or three nights per week out, totally to himself. You 'have' one where you're basically still on duty. That is shit, IMO .

The funny thing is that I think he'd be totally happy if I wanted 2 nights out each week and he could have 2 nights out then he wouldn't feel like I begrudged him his nights out and he can totally understand why I'd want 2 nights out myself. What he can't understand is why I'd want a night to myself if I wasn't going 'out'. If I want to read or do craft stuff or have a soak in the bath he can't understand why I wouldn't just fit that around the kids and then he can do something as well and it kills 2 birds with 1 stone. Hard to explain that I just don't enjoy that in the same way...

Why does a father have to be told that looking after his own children includes feeding them

He sounds really disengaged. You shouldn't have told him what to cook because that adds to the sense that this is all your job and he just helps out now and again.

Does he fit his stuff in around the kids when he's in the house on an evening?

I was a bit puzzled by the park thing eg. Why couldn't he take them to the park and then you get on with the jobs you wanted to do in peace at home? Then it turned out that he actually wanted you to take him to the park too!

I think you need a room of your own, a la Virginia Woolf. Also, firmer boundaries around your personal time - but don't use it for laundry, please...

Not read the thread but boy does this sound familiar. My dcs are now teens and really nothing has changed with dp. He cooks, bu it's late. If I'm ill, dd looks after me and brings me tea. If there I need child care for something for me during working hours, friends do it.

He works hard, is free with money, but a complete waste of space in the home otherwise. He does do his own laundry though and occasionally the dishes.

What you need to do is get a cleaner. Tell him it's all too much for you and pay someone to do the drudgery. He will not change. Also never argue about who has the dcs as it looks like rejection to them. Don't have lie ins, just go to bed really early. I used to go to my Mums for a deep sleep sometimes.

As far as being off duty is concerned, i never have that really, even when I'm ill, which I am now. What you can do is shut yourself in your bedroom, make a physical barrier, or another room and make it a nogo area. Get some earplugs so you don't hear what's going on outside. At the age your children are it is really really hard and things do get better eventually.

So don't class it as a night out. Class it as a night to yourself and spell it out. He is the one on duty. Yeah once the kids are in bed he can do whatever, but he had better make sure the kitchen etc is sorted and he is there to deal with kiddie requests.

Hence why, you would likely need to make it clear to him you are off limits until he gets the message.

It's not a night out, it's a night for you. What you each do with that night is up to you.

He won't understand until you tell him / show him.

Seriously, just make it simple.

"DH, I'm not happy. I have no time to just enjoy my hobbies/home.

You get to go out which is great, I want every Wednesday to myself to do whatever I like, even if that's just a bath and a book. So can you please for that one night, do everything with the kids and dinner and sorting the kitchen,

I will be much happier as a result and I know that's important to you."

If he is a decent guy, he will do this even if he doesn't understand.