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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About SIL wedding

78 replies

Harrycarry · 24/05/2014 22:39

DP sister is getting married later this year. My dd has been asked to be a bridesmaid along with dneice (ages 7 and 4) .

Of course dd is delighted to be asked and is really looking forward to it. SIL has bought lovely dresses for them to wear and she can't wait.

AIBU to feel a bit put out for my ds (age 5) that he has not been included?
Obviously he would not be a bridesmaid, but he has been ignored completely, as has dnephew, although he is much younger so prob won't know what's going on anyway.

I understand that it's her wedding and she can do what she likes but I feel that he has been excluded from the wedding party simply because he is a boy and feel sad for him.

I am not planning to make an issue of this. DP doesn't seem to mind at all and doesn't really understand why I'm bothered about it.

OP posts:

petalunicorn · 25/05/2014 09:18

We did this but it was because I was pre kids when we got married, if it was me now I totally wouldn't have done it. I just didn't realise that you should treat siblings the same and that a boy would be interested.

We went to ask dniece to be bridesmaid, cue one little boy running upstairs to the toilet in tears, my dh came down with a pageboy we hadn't planned on but who was wanted and welcomed. We had asked sil in advance before we asked dniece and I suspect she knew he would be upset but I would far rather she had said and I would have included him. She never would have said because my in laws never ever want to impose on anything.

loveulotslikejellytots · 25/05/2014 09:22

Between DH and me, we have 12 nieces and 8 nephews (including step siblings). If we were having a grand manor house wedding with an endless budget we'd have had them all.

But we didn't! So we said the 2 youngest girls, and 2 youngest boys. The boys weren't interested in wearing a suit, so we just had the 2 youngest nieces, as that's all we could afford. I also had my sister and friends to consider.

I wouldn't worry too much, he'll have more fun playing and dancing!

specialmagiclady · 25/05/2014 12:42

I haven't read the entire thread but like some others I am utterly shocked that people are saying "he's 5 - why would he care?" Would you say that about a 5 year old girl? No. Getting dressed up and joining in with a family celebration is just as much fun for boys. Mine absolutely loved wearing smart jackets at granny's 80th this year and even more wearing kilts at my DB's wedding. The aforementioned DB was gutted not to be a page boy when he was less than 5 (he was ill on the day) in around 1974.

I don't see why a quiet word with the bride isn't in order - provided you provide a solution. "X is really excited about your wedding and would love a job if there is one. If not, don't worry. I'll dress him up nice and give him a [insert bridal theme colour] tie/waistcoat/shirt so he can match his sisters." Not adding any extra work for the bride, not putting any pressure, but letting her know he's excited and available.

specialmagiclady · 25/05/2014 12:47

Just read back and seen about the nephew, so he won't be alone.Fair enough, but the sexism still stands.

Also, giving a child a "job" to do at a wedding means that they are involved and care about what happens and behave better IME. Kids rise to responsibility. I always give my boys "an important job" if I want them to behave well.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 25/05/2014 12:54

Excluded? He's 5. Sorry YANBU.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 25/05/2014 12:56

DOH

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 25/05/2014 12:58

Good grief get there eventually YABU.

weneedtotalkaboutshriver · 25/05/2014 13:06

OP please ignore Specialmagiclady's advice.

I am as impatient of Bridezillas as the next MNer, but my guess is that the last thing she needs is yet another family putting their oar in over a total non issue.

He can get dressed up, he IS joining in with the family celebration. Stop making problems that don't exist.

btw I am assuming there are no other pageboys so if he is old enough to understand what's going on, he's old enough to understand that, too.

weneedtotalkaboutshriver · 25/05/2014 13:11

I also know that my other SIL will buy dnephew a lovely outfit to match the others but we really don't have the money to do that

So don't do it. It sounds pretty irritating to me anyway. Or are you thinking that your other DSiL should not do it in order not to make your son feel bad. Or that the B and G should pay for it.

Sheesh, I have been here long enough to know that AIBU does not have to be about BIG problems but this one is sub-microscopic!

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 25/05/2014 13:17

Was also going to suggest his special job as being the knee slider on the dance floor!

HappyMummyOfOne · 25/05/2014 13:18

YABVU, it's not a given right to expect your son to be page boy or have a nice outfit bought for him. Making any comment to your SIL would be wrong.

What do you do when DD gets a party invite and he doesn't? Will you insist he does or moan it's not fair? They are individuals and can do things separate without harm.

HuglessDouglas · 25/05/2014 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doooooowop · 25/05/2014 13:28

I didnt have my nephew as a page boy. I didn't even see any page boy outfits when wedding shopping either.

foolonthehill · 25/05/2014 13:46

My daughters were not bridesmaids at 4 other close family weddings, some of the boys were ushers etc. I feel that turning up to support and encourage the bride and groom is the most important job anyway...why be worried about who gets a "special job"? It's her wedding let it be hers.

ADishBestEatenCold · 25/05/2014 14:05

"I am simply thinking that ds may feel left out when he sees his sister and cousin being given 'jobs' to do on the day, when he hasn't. At 5 he is old enough to notice"

Give him a job.

Get him one of those little disposable 'flash' cameras, tell him his job is to take some photographs of the Bridesmaids, when the 'Adult Photograph' isn't needing them.

It wouldn't involve anyone else, so I wouldn't have thought any 'permission' would be needed from the bride & groom.

You could even get him a little tie or a handkerchief or an armband that matched his sister's (bridesmaid) dress for colour and tell him that was the bridesmaid's photographer's tie/handkerchief/armband.

ApocalypseThen · 25/05/2014 14:31

Matching the bridal party and appointing him to a job off yoyr own bat in that way is quite a passive aggressive rebuke. You'd be better off saying it (don't say it).

Jux · 25/05/2014 14:42

YABU. He won't worry about it unless you project.

Of course your SIL will buy dnephew an outfit, he's her son! Forget it. He's not been left out, he's going to the wedding. How much he enjoys it will largely bemdown to you.

ADishBestEatenCold · 25/05/2014 14:59

"appointing him to a job off your own bat in that way is quite a passive aggressive rebuke"

Is it? Oh gosh, I didn't think of it that way!

I got the idea from a recent wedding I was at where one couple did this with their son (about 4) who had three older sisters who were bridesmaids.

He had a camera (and a little tie in nearly the same blue of the dresses) and they just took him around letting him photograph the bridesmaids. I remember them mentioning that they had told him it was just the bridesmaids he was to photograph, so that he didn't get in the way.

I thought it was really sweet and a good idea, but ... now I read your post Apocalypse ... I do have to admit that I have no idea what the bride and groom thought of it!

Perhaps best not do that after all, Harry!

ApocalypseThen · 25/05/2014 15:28

Maybe they talked about it with the bride and groom at the other wedding and they thought it was a good idea, but I think just turning up that way might be a bit...surprising.

OwlCapone · 25/05/2014 15:36

I am simply thinking that ds may feel left out when he sees his sister and cousin being given 'jobs' to do on the day, when he hasn't. At 5 he is old enough to notice

But he isn't old enough to realise that there's something other than bridesmaids. In his mind he is probably absolutely certain that he does NOT want to wear a pretty dress and stand at the front with a basket of flowers.

Give him a horseshoe thing to hand to the bride when she's milling about outside the church after the ceremony.

Salazar · 25/05/2014 15:39

It's better than what my mum did for her wedding before I was born.

Loads of girls in my family. 6 in 3 sets of 2 siblings.

My mum made their mothers pick a daughter each to be a bridesmaid!

Roussette · 25/05/2014 16:41

YABU - so if you had 4 DC, would you expect them all to be asked to be bridesmaids/pageboys? i.e. Ask all my children or none of them? Children have to learn from a young age that they can't always do exactly the same as their siblings.

I just think it's an honour for a child to be asked to be a bridesmaid and it's ridiculous to feel for your 5yo DS, he won't mind (unless you encourage that!) When I read the OP I thought you were saying that your DS had been excluded and not asked to the wedding! At 5yrs old he's probably never even heard the word 'pageboy' and he's going to the wedding and can have fun with his cousin.

wowfudge · 25/05/2014 16:49

Just to add to the debate - is anyone posting here scarred by not having been a bridesmaid as a child? I know I am not. There are more important things in life.

specialmagiclady · 25/05/2014 16:53

Yeah sorry, on second thoughts, my advice ^^ is pants. Absolutely no need to intervene if your DS isn't upset about it.

YANBU to be upset that your child has been excluded on grounds of gender, though. Sexism works both ways. YWBU to do as I suggest up thread and intervene as DS1 genuinely isn't bothered.

Also, please note, I never suggested that - should you feel you have to intervene - you say "DS is upset" but that "DS is excited and keen to be a part of it if you can find a role for him" which is very different IMO.

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 25/05/2014 17:46

DSIL was getting married DD1 and DD2 were bridesmaids. DS was too old to be pageboy -so he was an usher with his dad . Happy boy

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