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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About SIL wedding

78 replies

Harrycarry · 24/05/2014 22:39

DP sister is getting married later this year. My dd has been asked to be a bridesmaid along with dneice (ages 7 and 4) .

Of course dd is delighted to be asked and is really looking forward to it. SIL has bought lovely dresses for them to wear and she can't wait.

AIBU to feel a bit put out for my ds (age 5) that he has not been included?
Obviously he would not be a bridesmaid, but he has been ignored completely, as has dnephew, although he is much younger so prob won't know what's going on anyway.

I understand that it's her wedding and she can do what she likes but I feel that he has been excluded from the wedding party simply because he is a boy and feel sad for him.

I am not planning to make an issue of this. DP doesn't seem to mind at all and doesn't really understand why I'm bothered about it.

OP posts:
Mim78 · 24/05/2014 23:12

I had pageboys but I don't think she should have to.

It's a rare day when girls are getting something worth having that boys miss out on anyway.

However also agree that he will almost certainly not mind if you don. 'T project.

My auntie had me as a bridesmaid and no pageboys so nothing for my brothers and the only person disappointed was my mum!

TitusFlavius · 24/05/2014 23:14

YABU. If he's invited to the wedding as a guest, as I presume he is, then he's not being excluded.

Not everyone wants a huge group of bridesmaids, pageboys, flower girls, etc etc.

lessonsintightropes · 24/05/2014 23:18

FWIW I got married last year. One DN (16) didn't come, was invited, DSis1 thought she'd prefer a weekend away in London with her partner and DN stayed with his Dad. Other DSis's kids - DNeice was a bridesmaid and DSis2 was maid of honour; her DS didn't want a role at all. But was happy to come to the party, please don't overthink it!

kickassangel · 24/05/2014 23:21

What is unreasonable is that we have such set assumptions in society that people think little girls will love getting dressed up and having jobs to do but little boys won't. Nothing you can do about it in this instance, unless you really want to make a stand and buy him a frilly dress and give him flowers. But wouldn't it be nice if we just thought that children close to the couple might enjoy being involved without having to pick them according to whether they are make or female?

Giving him the chance to hand over your gift and a disposable camera could make him feel important and included on the day.

Stripytop · 24/05/2014 23:22

We are in exactly the same position. Apparently there was a conversation as to whether the boys (my ds and 2 nephews) would even be invited to the wedding!

Dd is v excited to be a bridesmaid and is loving all the attention and her involvement in the planning.

Ds had asked why he hasn't got a special 'part', but after watching an episode of Horrid Henry where Henry is a pageboy and has to wear a frilly outfit, he just thinks he's got off lightly. Grin

I'm looking forward to getting him his first suit (M&S probably) and having my lovely smart son as my escort (as dh and dd will be at the top table).

Original poster
Harrycarry · 24/05/2014 23:25

Haha, no gifts, request for cash only, there was no poem though Wink

OP posts:
lunar1 · 24/05/2014 23:33

I know how you are feeling op. I wouldn't say anything either but my 5yo ds would love to put on a suit and be given jobs to do. It's sad that boys are automatically excluded from these things so often.

attheendoftheday · 24/05/2014 23:44

I think yanbu. It's mean to include one sibling and exclude the other (assuming they're both small). If sil didn't want to include your ds I think she shouldn't have asked your dd either.

Totally excluding the negative message about gender roles this gives to your little ones

Montegomongoose · 24/05/2014 23:51

make him feel important and included on the day

Why? He's five. Will he care? Please don't try and make him part of someone else's wedding if he wasn't invited to do something.

My friend did this at her brother's wedding, took massive umbrage at the 'exclusion' and had her toddler trotting up and down doing things all day and taking pictures.

The bride was very kind in the face of such pushy, deranged behaviour. I'm afraid we all laughed at her embarrassing show.

Don't be That Guest. Have some dignity and respect.

CoffeeTea103 · 24/05/2014 23:56

Yabu, why are you even thinking along the lines of 'exclusion', which means you are making it out to be an issue. she's not included your nephew as well, not singled out your son. Ridiculous that people even think this wayHmm

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 25/05/2014 00:06

OP, get a grip. He's 5!!! There will be so many things that his sister will be invited to that he won't. Play dates, birthday parties, sleepovers, etc. and visa versa

He will probably be happier to stay with you and DH anyway.

Just be delighted that your DD gets such a special experience.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 25/05/2014 00:17

DH and his brother were pageboys at that age for his Aunt. They're nearly 40 and still haven't forgiven their Mum for allowing it.
Count yourself lucky you won't have to listen to him whinge about it into your dotage!! Grin

alwaysblonde · 25/05/2014 01:04

Please don't make an issue about anything to do with the wedding. It's not your big day it's hers.

My in laws (mainly DSMIL and DFIL) had the funnies on our wedding day and I'll be honest it tainted mine and my husbands memories of the day.

alwaysblonde · 25/05/2014 01:05

And to this day we don't know what it was about!

ApocalypseThen · 25/05/2014 07:17

So she has a couple of matching little girls as bridesmaids. That's very sweet and will be lovely in the photos. That's literally all she's thinking with this - she isn't being cruel and doing this out of spite or some massive plan to get at you via your son.

No child will get to do everything. Your daughter will do stuff your son won't, and he'll get stuff to do that she won't. They have to accept it, you do too (most importantly, apparently).

The disclaimer that you're not going to make an issue of it implied to me that you did consider doing just that. Really, don't. No good could possibly come of it.

wowfudge · 25/05/2014 07:52

The answer is in your original post Harry - your DS doesn't seem that bothered. His cousin doesn't have a role either. Good opportunity for the two little lads to have a whale of a time playing together. Just leave it and say no more about it.

As for the cousin being dressed up for the occasion, etc - that seems like making him a page boy by stealth. There was another thread in here where some loony mother in the family bought her DD who wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid a dress that matched the wedding party colours to make her feel involved. Understandably the bride was rather pissed off.

None of this is about what the child thinks and feels - it's about you. Just leave it and forget about it before you lose your dignity and look ridiculous. And so what if the cousin gets togged up in a suit or some expensive outfit - he'll have grown out of it before you know it so money down the drain.

MissLurkalot · 25/05/2014 08:00

I think that's the way it is... It's more a girl thing, getting involved at a family wedding.

I think you're unreasonable to be dwelling on it, and you should be grateful and happy that your daughter is involved. Glass is half full and all that.

My sister got married 2 months ago... Both my daughters were bridesmaids... It never even crossed my mind that my two sons weren't asked! Get a grip!

thegreylady · 25/05/2014 08:05

Get him a tie in the wedding colours and a disposable camera. Tell him it is his job to take photographs for you as the official photographer might miss something. Make sure you buy a little album before hand so you can stick his photos in it and he will have a memento of the day.

CoffeeTea103 · 25/05/2014 08:22

I disagree with the disposable camera idea grey. He might just take it too seriously and get in the way of everyone, which can be very annoying. How will the op tell him at the wedding to stop if he is?

wheresthelight · 25/05/2014 08:52

My friend got pissed off at me for nit involving her sons when I got married. I got brow beaten into having them as page boys and it really annoyed me and tainted both my wedding and our friendship so I highly recommend bit saying anything at all to sil.

Your son is 5, he won't care and as for flowergirls, all they do is walk down the aisle. They don't have "jobs" to. Do ime

Waswondering · 25/05/2014 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foslady · 25/05/2014 08:57

Surely his job is at the night do? Isn't it the little boys job to test the dance floor by sliding on his knres over thr length of it? Try doing that in a long flouncy frock???!!!

foslady · 25/05/2014 09:00

And if you're concerned re suit costs try ebay - loads of eorn onces

Pagwatch · 25/05/2014 09:07

I don't like pageboys. If I had had a nephew who wanted to be one I might have reconsidered but mostly they were relieved. I also checked that my neices actually wanted to be bridesmaids in case they didn't.

I think you are worrying about nothing. It's not a snub and your ds probably could care less.

Only1scoop · 25/05/2014 09:10

I don't think it's odd at all. Unless an issue is made your ds wouldn't even know what a page boy was.

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