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AIBU?

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Original poster

I think my nan is dying and no one will help us

151 replies

MrsSeanBean1 · 23/05/2014 20:49

My nan was diagnosed with metastatic pancreatic cancer on Xmas eve on the same day my grandad was diagnosed with sarcoma in his leg. My grandad had his leg amputated and seems to be in remission, my nan was told hers was terminal.

We referred them both to social services just after Xmas but they were not assessed for 3 months so had to live with my parents as my grandad couldn't manage in his wheelchair (thy are 87). Finally they were assessed but told it could take 12 months to get any adaptions to the house. He is managing with just a wheelchair and a commode. They said that they didn't think they needed any home help as nan was looking after grandad.

My nan has been very well until yesterday, just a bit tired but nothing much. My grandad phoned in the middle of the night to say nan was crying, distressed, in pain and couldn't move. We went round and she looks so awful. I have never seen anyone close to death but she looks like she is dying.

We had the doctor out this morning who said he wasn't sure what it was, it could be the cancer or just that she sprained herself doing to much around the house. He gave her some codeine (and my mom some liquid morphine on the sly incase the codeine wasn't enough). My nan hasn't eaten all day, we can't get her out of the chair as she is a deadweight. She is crying and saying "I don't know what is happening to me". Her leg has now gone completely numb.

I phoned SS today to get some help urgently as we have no idea what to do but they said they couldn't get anyone out until possible next week. We phone Macmillian who said a nurse would phone us back but she hasn't. In desperation we phoned our local hospice who has tried to get some nurses in to help us. She did her best and was great but couldn't get anyone. She said she will try again on Tuesday. I have phoned SS emergency line but no one has got back to me.

My nan has just collapsed in a heap crying so I have phoned the emergency doctor who will ring is back. She refuses to let us call an ambulance as she is petrified of going into hospital as she saw my grandad receive appalling care until we got him moved.

I feel that we have never needed anyone's help all of our lives and then when we do no one will help us.

Is she dying? I know pancreatic is quick but do the final stages happen this quickly? Is there anything else we should be doing.

We are completely lost. This is the most awful thing to ever happen to our family and I don't know how we are going to get through it.

OP posts:
gatofeliz · 26/05/2014 08:43

What an awful time for you all but i'm glad your Nan seems peaceful now Sad

x

cjelh · 26/05/2014 10:04

So sorry for what you are going through, I'm glad shes not distressed and doesn't seem to be suffering.

TheOneWithTheHair · 26/05/2014 10:09

So sorry for your struggles. You are coping really well. Thanks

enthusiasmcurbed · 26/05/2014 23:59

MSBHave a hand to hold. I've been through this with my Mum. She is a lucky Gran to be so loved.

NatashaBee · 27/05/2014 01:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cjelh · 27/05/2014 09:30

Morning.Thinking about youx

jellyandsoup · 27/05/2014 09:43

Have just read this thread, best wishes to you all, hope your nan is still settled. I totally understand what you mean about seeing your grandad crying, I will never forget seeing my grandad so sobbing at my uncle's funeral, just horrible.

Original poster
MrsSeanBean1 · 28/05/2014 17:40

Thank you for your support and kind words. Nan is in the acute stroke unit at New Cross Hospital and they have been fantastic. The unit is lovely, the staff are great and nan is getting excellent care. Nan had another scan today which shows she has had 2 strokes, one on each side of the brain. The consultant was very kind and explained how she had no hope of recovery, plus she also has the pancreatic cancer. We have agreed for them to withdraw fluids and just keep her comfy. She hasn't woken since she was admitted to A&E. They have said that she could last 2 to 3 weeks. This seems a long time without fluid. Is this likely?

OP posts:
TheHouseatWhoCorner · 28/05/2014 17:55

MrsSB my heart goes out to you and your family.
I can't answer your question, but wanted you to know that I'm so pleased your Nan is being well looked after. I'm sure she is getting lots of love from you all.
Your poor Grandad. He just be in pieces.

cjelh · 28/05/2014 17:56

Oh sorry to hear your latest news.I am not sure about how long it could be,I would want her to have fluids at least if she is awake as I can't bear being thirsty, but thats just me. I am pleased she is comfortable and glad she has lovely staff to care for her.

How are you ?x

allisgood1 · 28/05/2014 18:45

I'm so sorry OP. Without fluids it can be about the time frame they gave, but given her situation will likely be much less. Don't expect her to wake up, she may moan if in pain and then you will need to tell them. I think my MIL lasted less than a week once stopping fluids at age 60, but my grandparents both last a few days at age 90.

Original poster
MrsSeanBean1 · 28/05/2014 18:55

Nan hasn't woken up at all or even opened her eyes so they have assured us that she won't be in any discomfort from having no fluids. They do keep her mouth moist.

My grandad is upset but, like us, is glad that she didn't have to suffer with cancer and she has known nothing about this. We are a close family who all live within 5 mins of each other so he will have a lot of support. He is very vulnerable at the moment due to losing a leg to cancer a few months ago. He has the option of moving in with my mom and dad either temporarily or permanently although he will probably want to go home. We will have to try to get some support for him as social services have been hopeless so far.

My 2 children and my sister's little girl are bringing everyone a lot of comfort at the moment. My DD is especially close to her great grandad so she is giving him lots of kisses.

OP posts:
AnonButRegular · 28/05/2014 18:57

MrsSeanBean, I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

My nan had a catastrophic stroke the christmas before last. She was in a stroke unit and we where told that she had no hope. They did the same with her as they are doing with your nan. Withdrew fluids etc, and gave her medication to keep her comfortable. She died within 4 days, the day before Christmas Eve.

It was a hellish time. The staff were so lovely though, and she was peaceful and comfortable.

We knew when she needed more medicine as she would get agitated, as soon as we asked staff to give her more medicine they did.

I really am so sorry that you, your nan and your family are going through this, I know exactly how you must be feeling. Please feel free to pm me if you'd like to Thanks

ICanSeeTheSun · 28/05/2014 18:58

I am so sorry Thanks

gatofeliz · 28/05/2014 18:59

I'm so sorry to read the update MrsSB Sad

My Nan refused fluids as she was so weak and was ready to go, nature had other ideas and she lasted 19 days. We were given funny little sponges on sticks which we dipped in water and used them to roll around her mouth to prevent sores.

The nurses had lots of little tips to make sure Nan was comfortable but we were all surprised she lasted so long without and food or fluids.

We were very relieved when she went in the end as saying goodbye everyday was so painful and at 98 she'd had enough.

Nans breathing pattern changed on the Thurs so we knew something was happening, she died on the Saturday with us all around her Sad

jeanmiguelfangio · 28/05/2014 19:00

I am so sorry op, lots of thoughts with your family at the moment

Heathcliff27 · 28/05/2014 19:05

Just saw this. So sorry to hear this about your nan. My grandma suffered 2 strokes at the age of 91, she seemed ok at the hospital at first speaking to us although paralysed down her left side. She managed to drink and even ate some yoghurt for the first time in her life. She then suffered another major stroke and lost consciousness, fluids were withdrawn when it was clear she wasn't going to get better. She never regained consciousness but it was 10 days until she passed away. Thoughts with you and your family.

turdfairynomore · 28/05/2014 19:12

So sorry to read your update. The love of grandparents is amazing and not something everyone has the privilege to experience. I had all 4 of mine til I was 27 and my final remaining grandparent died 5 years ago when I was 43. Take comfort from your memories and in your children who are the proof that love lives on.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/05/2014 19:33

Mrssean Sad Flowers Granny died from kidney cancer 10 years ago and I still think about her all the time.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/05/2014 19:35

My dad died from bowel cancer 25 years ago when I was a child, and I still think about him often

RandallFloyd · 28/05/2014 19:47

I'm so sorry, MrsSB.
I hope it is very peaceful for her.

Though I know nothing will make it any easier for you Thanks

Original poster
MrsSeanBean1 · 28/05/2014 20:07

Thank you for asking how I am. I don't really know. As some of you know I am struggling with a 2 year old and a refluxy newborn at the moment and managing on about 3 hours sleep a night. My DH is being supportive and helping me out.

I had very bad anxiety after my 1st child was born due to infertility and miscarriages. I couldn't believe I had her and so expected her to be taken away from me. I checked her hundreds of times a night and am still a bit over protective. I wasn't quite as bad with my new DS but since this has happened to nan my anxiety is coming back. I crept into bed with DD last night despite telling DH I wouldn't. I just wanted to hold her and smell her in case she is taken away from me. I have posted on the bereavement threads to get some advice about nan's last days and couldn't stop myself reading all the threads about losing children. There seemed so many of them and now my anxiety is back with force.

I am worried I am going a bit barmy again :-(

OP posts:
ThisFenceIsComfy · 28/05/2014 20:21

I'm so sorry MrsS. You've had such a rough time and you seem so brave. May your Nan be at peace x

RosiePosiePing · 28/05/2014 20:29

Oh Mrs I've just read your thread. I know this is an awful time for your family, we lost our nan 3 years ago and it still hurts.

You need to look after yourself too. Is there anyone you can speak to? Sympathetic GP?

cjelh · 28/05/2014 22:17

You are not going barmy my lovely. You are going through a tough time, thats all.. within the space of two months a couple of years ago I had to leave my H of 35yrs (OW) while going to intensive care with him every evening to see his dm. Then my aunt died suddenly, the day before her funeral my mil died and the day after mil funeral my dil had her 3rd baby 8 weeks early.

I thought I was going barmy - but made a real effort to just eat look after dgcs and sleep everything else waited till I was ready. Make it your job to take care of yourself and you will be okxx