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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my nan is dying and no one will help us

151 replies

MrsSeanBean1 · 23/05/2014 20:49

My nan was diagnosed with metastatic pancreatic cancer on Xmas eve on the same day my grandad was diagnosed with sarcoma in his leg. My grandad had his leg amputated and seems to be in remission, my nan was told hers was terminal.

We referred them both to social services just after Xmas but they were not assessed for 3 months so had to live with my parents as my grandad couldn't manage in his wheelchair (thy are 87). Finally they were assessed but told it could take 12 months to get any adaptions to the house. He is managing with just a wheelchair and a commode. They said that they didn't think they needed any home help as nan was looking after grandad.

My nan has been very well until yesterday, just a bit tired but nothing much. My grandad phoned in the middle of the night to say nan was crying, distressed, in pain and couldn't move. We went round and she looks so awful. I have never seen anyone close to death but she looks like she is dying.

We had the doctor out this morning who said he wasn't sure what it was, it could be the cancer or just that she sprained herself doing to much around the house. He gave her some codeine (and my mom some liquid morphine on the sly incase the codeine wasn't enough). My nan hasn't eaten all day, we can't get her out of the chair as she is a deadweight. She is crying and saying "I don't know what is happening to me". Her leg has now gone completely numb.

I phoned SS today to get some help urgently as we have no idea what to do but they said they couldn't get anyone out until possible next week. We phone Macmillian who said a nurse would phone us back but she hasn't. In desperation we phoned our local hospice who has tried to get some nurses in to help us. She did her best and was great but couldn't get anyone. She said she will try again on Tuesday. I have phoned SS emergency line but no one has got back to me.

My nan has just collapsed in a heap crying so I have phoned the emergency doctor who will ring is back. She refuses to let us call an ambulance as she is petrified of going into hospital as she saw my grandad receive appalling care until we got him moved.

I feel that we have never needed anyone's help all of our lives and then when we do no one will help us.

Is she dying? I know pancreatic is quick but do the final stages happen this quickly? Is there anything else we should be doing.

We are completely lost. This is the most awful thing to ever happen to our family and I don't know how we are going to get through it.

OP posts:
gatofeliz · 23/05/2014 21:32

I hope they give you the help and support you need MSB

We went through the same with my Nan last October Sad

ssd · 23/05/2014 21:33

shes scared op

you did the right thing xxx

longjane · 23/05/2014 21:38

When they get there
Get them both taken in hospital as no one of you can cope with grandad without help.

HauntedNoddyCar · 23/05/2014 21:42

Can you tell her it's the paramedics rather than ambulance crew to bamboozle her into seeing them?

Hope you can get some help.

blackcurrentjuice · 23/05/2014 21:42

You did do the right thing and yes, it is disgraceful that SS won't help your family.

Hospital intervention does speed up home care as they need to know both your GM and GD will be safe at home.

Best wishes for this evening.

tripecity · 23/05/2014 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bumbleymummy · 23/05/2014 21:47

So sorry to read this :( hope she's been seen and has something to help her.

Original poster
MrsSeanBean1 · 23/05/2014 21:47

They came along with the GP. They think the cancer has infiltrated the spine and is pressing on the cord, hence the paralysis. She has refused to go to hospital. The GP is currently sat in the car trying to phone SS to get us some help. I am staying here with my mom for the night. I've put my 2 year old upstairs to bed but have my newborn as well. God, this is so hard. She won't get any better. She'll never walk again. I'm not ready to say goodbye.

OP posts:
HauntedNoddyCar · 23/05/2014 21:50

Oh dear. Have a hug. You're not having a great time of things are you? Hopefully the GP can open some doors.

Susiesue61 · 23/05/2014 21:50

Anyone can refer to the hospice - GP, district nurse. They may or may not take admissions over the weekend, we do where I work. Evenif she's not admitted somewhere, district nurses should be able to help xx

yellowdinosauragain · 23/05/2014 21:55

If they are right about the cancer infiltrating her spine radiotherapy and steroids might ease some of her symptoms. She might be dying but if she isn't just yet then having the use of her legs while she is alive will make the end so much more manageable for her and much more likely to be able to stay in her home if that's what she wants Would this persuade her to go into hospital tonight? I'm a doctor in a relevant speciality...

gatofeliz · 23/05/2014 21:58

susie is right about getting the district nurses involved. When we finally got Nan out of hospital, they visited every other day and we had the contact number if we needed them in an emergency which was a godsend at weekends.

Your Nans G.P should be able to sort that very quickly.

Goodluck Thanks

Gruntfuttock · 23/05/2014 21:58

Oh dear, this is such a distressing situation for everyone. I hope you are able to get all the help you need and soon.

BlackeyedSusan · 23/05/2014 22:03

oh love. poor you, poor nan and poor mom. it is never the right time to say goodbye, however old they are. and yes it is really hard, wishing you strength to cope.

Babyroobs · 23/05/2014 22:10

I would call an ambulance, get her admitted and then make sure she is referred to the palliative care team at the hospital who could hopefully get her transferred to the local hospice as an in patient where the care will hopefully be good.

Ifpigscouldfly · 23/05/2014 22:11

I'm so sorry. It's such a horrible thing. I'm going to be in your position very soon. I hope it all goes as well as it can and your gp can sort something for her to help her feel a little better x

On aside note my relative has district nurses in and they are now coping v well (similar to your situation, relatives DP is hardly mobile and until this my relative was the carer.)

scoobdoob · 23/05/2014 22:12

Gosh this a horrible situation. But yes get a referal to the district nursing team. It can be done 24 hours a day.

They can liase with hospice doctors for decent pain relief and symptom control.
Help with personal care or refer on if there is a specialist palliative team in your area.

There is no reason to have no support that is cruel. Sometimes the dns know a lot more about pallative care/support than a gp or acute care would.

Hope it gets sorted for you. And you manage some rest. Good for you and your mum sticking together.
l

Babyroobs · 23/05/2014 22:13

Just to add if the Gp thinks she has compression of be spinal cord, it needs to be treated asap as an Oncology emergency. Try to do your best to pursuade her this is the best option.

cjelh · 23/05/2014 22:17

Thinking of you tonight OPx

Original poster
MrsSeanBean1 · 23/05/2014 22:20

We tried the district nurses but they said it was a SS issue. I just feel so overwhelmed. We are passed from pillar to post with huge delays in everything and no one will just help us.

OP posts:
YouAreCompletelyRight · 23/05/2014 22:20

Nothing to add but a bit of virtual support. I hope your nan gets the treatment she needs tonight.

Ifpigscouldfly · 23/05/2014 22:24

Has GP had any luck ?

moldingsunbeams · 23/05/2014 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gatofeliz · 23/05/2014 22:31

If its medical care she needs then the G.P should be arranging it and contacting the DN team/macmillan nurses.

SS arrange outside agencies to help with home care and support and contact with occupational therapists for all of the equipment you might need ie special bed, cups, sheets to move your Nan easily and safely when in bed.

If your Nan wants to stay at home then it can be done even if you do have to fight for it, depending on the outcome of what they find is wrong with her tonight x

WipsGlitter · 23/05/2014 22:32

To be honest unless your grandmother goes to hospital you will be passed around. She needs to be properly assesses, and a care package put in place. Hospital is the best place for this. Sometimes you have to take decisions for people in these situations.

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