To be bloody fuming!!

[Notsoyummymummy1]

Mil rang us and dh put her on speakerphone to speak to our 2 year old dd but dd didn't say anything to her. Mil said "you don't want to be shy like your mum!" ie me!!! Am so cross - how dare she speak about me like that to dd!! Being shy isn't a crime but even if she hates that quality in me she should keep it to herself and not tell my daughter that it's bad to be like her mummy!!! God I'm so hurt and angry!!!

erm do you not think being so hurt and angry is a massive over reaction to an off hand remark?

What did your DH say? Hopefully he defended you.

Nope he never does!

Do you want your daughter to be shy like you? Being shy isn't a crime, but I don't think it's generally considered a positive quality, either. I'm pretty shy, and if my MIL said that to my daughter, I'd probably agree with her.

Seriously OTT reaction IMO.

I'm painfully shy and I agree with your MIL.

I'm shy and lacking in confidence and I really don't want my children to be too but I think it would hurt if someone else said it as it would feel like they hold me to blame if my children do become shy.

So you would all be ok with someone telling your child they don't want to be like you?

The real problem is your DH allowing anybody to undermine you. I do not think a 'joke' or 'offhand remark' is an excuse to put down a mother in front of her children. 'You don't want to be [xyz] like your mother' is a put down, whether shyness is the issue or anything else. All little girls look up to their mother (or should be allowed to).

It sounds like she has really touched a nerve.
It was a thoughtless remark but I do think your overreacting a bit.
How is your relationship with your MIL normally?
I doubt she 'hates' this quality in you but rather believes it has a negative impact on your life and would rather your Dd doesn't struggle in the same way.

I don't think she meant it in the spiteful way you've taken it.

I think she was joking...

Having a DH who has struggled massively with shyness and a family who tiptoe around each other never pointing it out (hence he has a brother and sister much the same), I would think the positives of pointing it out would outweigh any negatives for you.

I have heard it said that shyness sometimes results from thinking more about yourself and your own feelings rather than how you are making other people feel, and I think your post demonstrates that. Sorry to be harsh.

I think you're over reacting OP.

Ok, it was a bit thoughtless, but it's probably better that your dd isn't shy. She was just saying out loud what is the truth. Shyness is horrible. I was shy as a child, but thank god I'm not as an adult.

She was probably just joking.

Maybe if you were not so shy you could tell her how hurt and angry you are right now

I wouldn't put up with a family member speaking negatively about me or DH in front of the children. It undermines you and is passive aggressive.

It's obviously not the worse thing to pick on but she certainly meant it negatively so I'd be talking to her to find out what the issue is.

I wouldn't let her get to me too much as I wouldn't respect her opinion but I would be miffed!

Thank you Kawliga that's how I felt - it was disrespectful. It's horrible when the thing you hate most about yourself is highlighted to your child as a negative.

Is there a massive back story here?

Oh well, better to be shy like you than rude like mil.

Um, I think everyone is getting sidetracked by the shyness issue. MIL did not say 'OP, you seem a bit shy, here's some strategies to help address your shyness'. Nor did she call OP aside to say 'here's what you can try to help DD not be shy'. Instead she is telling a 2 year old (2 year old! that she does not want to become like her mother.

I agree with you op that it was a very rude thing to say, even worse that she said it to your daughter. Silly MIL!

So you would all be ok with someone telling your child they don't want to be like you?

Yes, I would be fine with someone telling my child they don't want to be shy like me. Your MIL didn't tell your child not to be like you.

No-one wants to be told they're shy. Maybe you should say " not shy, I'm just choosy about who I speak to".
Or the MN fave - did you mean to be so rude.
Yanbu

Who goes around calling another adult shy? Seriously?

No Candy I thought we got on and I've bent over backwards to help her out recently - felt like a slap in the face! If I've over reacted then fair enough - perhaps mil was right and dd shouldn't want to be like me.