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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be bloody fuming!!

51 replies

Notsoyummymummy1 · 23/05/2014 18:21

Mil rang us and dh put her on speakerphone to speak to our 2 year old dd but dd didn't say anything to her. Mil said "you don't want to be shy like your mum!" ie me!!! Am so cross - how dare she speak about me like that to dd!! Being shy isn't a crime but even if she hates that quality in me she should keep it to herself and not tell my daughter that it's bad to be like her mummy!!! God I'm so hurt and angry!!!

OP posts:

Bunnytheeggrobat · 23/05/2014 18:40

I don't think you are over reacting. There was no need for her to add the 'like your mum' comment at the end. I would feel insulted in your position too.

kawliga · 23/05/2014 18:46

OP, there are many shy people who achieve great things. Nobody would choose to be shy given a choice, but many lovely people are also shy, and your dd wants to be like you because you are her lovely mother.

I think your DH is missing from this conversation - it was his mother who said the hurtful thing whether it was supposed to be a joke or not. He should gently step in when his mother says things that undermine you. Doesn't have to be guns blazing but even just to reiterate for the record that you are lovely (that's why he married you, eh).

Original poster

Notsoyummymummy1 · 23/05/2014 18:48

Thanks Kawliga and Bunny - yes it's not the shyness bit it's the "like your mum bit" that was unnecessary and rude. If you replaced the word shy with "fat" and you see what I mean!

OP posts:

LettertoHerms · 23/05/2014 18:52

I think it was thoughtless but your reaction was a bit over the top. She's not telling your daughter to not be like you, just in the case of one trait.

I'm painfully shy. I hope my children are not, it's a disadvantage in life. I worry about how they won't be if I can't even model non-shy behavior.

JodieGarberJacob · 23/05/2014 18:53

I'm constantly amazed on here on how people allow themselves to be upset about off-hand comments. Most of the time the 'aggressor' hasn't set out to purposely upset the 'victim' yet the 'victim' seems completely humiliated/hurt/belittled etc. I assume it's because there is no real affection between the parties and molehills become mountains over, well, nothing.

kawliga · 23/05/2014 19:04

Ok, it depends on who makes the offhand comment, and how often.

I'd be willing to overlook 'you don't want to be xxx like your mother' if the MIL usually says lovely things about the OP. OP, does your MIL often say lovely things about you (or indeed, does she ever)?

Original poster

Notsoyummymummy1 · 23/05/2014 19:39

No she's not particularly gushy but I thought we got on. Jodie I'm honestly not bothered what she thinks about me I just don't want her repeating it to my daughter that's all.

OP posts:

londonrach · 23/05/2014 19:40

Over reacting.

BravePotato · 23/05/2014 19:41

But you are shy, which is not a bad thing, why the massive overreaction?

JodieGarberJacob · 23/05/2014 19:41

To me it sounds like mil was a bit embarrassed that your dd hadn't said anything to her and just said the first thing that came into her head. And honestly, there's nothing wrong with shy!

steff13 · 23/05/2014 19:47

Thanks Kawliga and Bunny - yes it's not the shyness bit it's the "like your mum bit" that was unnecessary and rude. If you replaced the word shy with "fat" and you see what I mean!

I'm fat. If someone calls me fat, it hurts my feelings in a way that being called shy doesn't. So, I would be a bit stung if my MIL said to my daughter that she doesn't want to be fat like me, but I would still agree with her. I live in fear that my children will inherit my weight problems.

If you are indeed shy, I really don't see the issue. I think you should just let it go.

lizzzyyliveson · 23/05/2014 20:15

Maybe you should have a good look at your MiL and spot a few flaws to point out to your DD. "Mummy needs to go to the gym so she doesn't get bingo wings like Granny!" It's not an issue if it's true, apparently.

Original poster

Notsoyummymummy1 · 23/05/2014 20:18

Ha ha Lizzy - like it!!

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 23/05/2014 20:19

Being shy isn't a crime

No it isn't, so why are you acting as though she has accused you of a crime?

naty1 · 23/05/2014 20:27

Ots personality there is a limited amount you can do about whether DD is like you.
I think its worse the flaw pointed out in DD. They may become selfconscious and make shyness worse

Original poster

Notsoyummymummy1 · 23/05/2014 20:32

Mamma it was mil who said that being like me was unfavourable - I don't think shyness is a crime at all!

OP posts:

Pumpkinpositive · 23/05/2014 20:32

I can be shy but come over as stand offish. Hardly a quality I'd want to pass on.

It depends on how MIL said it. I'm envisaging she said it in a jokey rather than chastising way?

Bunnytheeggrobat · 23/05/2014 20:41

It's rude. Mil clearly doesn't 'to think being shy is a positive personality trait - so pointing out that DD was being shy like her mother wasn't a compliment .

iamsoannoyed · 23/05/2014 20:46

I think it was quite tactless of your MIL. I don't think she meant anything by it (probably) but I agree it wasn't particularly nice thing to say. Had she just said "you don't want to be shy", it would have been a different story.

I think to those saying "it's true, so why are you upset?" are missing the point- having the things you most dislike about yourself pointed out to your child as something they definitely don't want to be isn't a very nice thing for a grandparent to do. Having a grandparent point out your flaws to your child isn't particularly pleasant either.

Most people wouldn't condone a parent saying "you're granny/grandpa is shy/chatty/bossy - you don't want to be like them" either. Generally speaking, highlighting people's bad point to others is deemed rude.

That said, I do think it unlikely your MIL said it to be deliberately unkind to you. She probably said it without thinking.

If it really upset you, perhaps you should discuss it with her? Better than letting it fester.

Original poster

Notsoyummymummy1 · 23/05/2014 20:50

Thank you iamso - it's nice to be understood!

OP posts:

sykadelic · 23/05/2014 21:02

"Make sure you wear sunscreen! Don't want to end up all wrinkly looking like Granny!"

I completely agree that the "like your mum" was immensely rude and hurtful. Especially if you thought you got on well.

I think it also probably made you wonder what other things she's going to say about you to your daughter, behind your back.

I would challenge her about it in a non-aggressive way: "I'm a little concerned about your remark to DD the other day. I know you would never have intentionally tried to undermine me to my daughter but I did find it a little rude and hurtful to be honest and just wanted to be honest with you about it".

sunbathe · 23/05/2014 21:11

The thing is about shyness though, is that imo, you should never say it to a child.

Labels stick.

And it's difficult to get past them later.

In this case, if Granny had chattered on a bit, then dd might well have warmed up. How about trying Skype?

claig · 23/05/2014 21:41

Notsoyummymummy1, I understand why you are angry about it and I would be too.

But, it is possible that MIL is just an insensitive person who sees shyness as a matter of fact type of negative because she doesn't really understand it or is not shy herself. She may just be blunt, insensitive and unthinking rather than intentionally rude.

UncleT · 23/05/2014 22:35

Everything's always 'passive aggressive'. How did we describe that notion in the days before we all suddenly woke up and started speaking American?

Anyway, YABU for overreacting so severely, though I can understand why you'd be a little bothered by it.

Original poster

Notsoyummymummy1 · 24/05/2014 10:11

Ok I get the message I over reacted, still can't help feeling upset but will keep it to myself - don't want dd to inherit my dreadful over sensitivity as well!!

OP posts:

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