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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to make an appointment with dds doctor about but not with her?

77 replies

HeatherFlump · 22/05/2014 22:45

Dd is 7. Though she looks pretty much fine (though with a protruding tummy) she is technically classed as 'very overweight.' She is extremely active - she does three dance classes and four other sporting activities each week and is otherwise always scooting or trampolining. She eats healthily with me, but her diet and exercise during contact with her father is appalling.

He sees her every other weekend plus one weeknight every other week for tea. She eats up to triple the recommended daily calories for her age each day there, and tea is always a massive take away. My mum has type 2 diabetes and is seriously ill with it, it is known to run in families. Everything dd eats with her father is sugar-laden and I'm terrified that these massive sugar binges are putting her at risk of developing type 2 diabetes too.

I'm no medical expert, though, so was thinking of making an appointment with dds doctor to discuss the matter but without her there as I need to mention she's overweight but don't want her to be conscious of it. However, my sister said it's unfair on dd to make an appointment behind her back and that the doctor won't advise without seeing her anyway. What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
HeatherFlump · 22/05/2014 23:45

Where exactly does he sound like he loves her custard? Knowingly causing your child discomfort and health issues isn't evidence of love imo.

OP posts:
cutefluffybunnes · 22/05/2014 23:46

Yes, start with the GP and start documenting this. If he is overfeeding her with the intention of making her fat, then I'd agree that's abuse. But it's hard to prove that an overweight man overfeeding a child is not just ignorant.

Start here: you go to the nurse or GP with your concerns - take DD along to meet them. They will refer you to a dietician. You will explain the situation and have the dietician write to her father. You will write to her father. You will all try to get him on board with healthy eating.

If he keeps it up, then it's malicious, not just ignorance.

Do you have copies of any communications from him where he says he's feeding her more sugar? Anything about her diet at his place?

thornrose · 22/05/2014 23:48

This sounds very familiar to me now I think about it. I too have read about an uncannily similar situation.

Original poster
HeatherFlump · 22/05/2014 23:50

It's with the intention to piss me off, cute, because I once asked that he watched what dd was eating. I've emailed re: tummy aches and sugar damage to her teeth/putting her at risk of diabetes and he's pretty much said it's his time and his choice.

OP posts:
theironinglady123 · 23/05/2014 00:00

He sort of has a point about "his time his choice". It's up to him what he feeds dd wen she's with him. If it's takeaway meals and lots of sweet treats there isn't really a lot you can do about it if you've asked and he won't stop.

I don't think sending him emails about the risk of tooth decay are going to be effective. Perhaps he feels you are being controlling and implying you know better than he does with regards to good choice? (It appears you do but his opinion will differ).

Unless he's holding her down and force feeding her then you can't stop or reduce contact because she is a bit overweight and he isn't promoting healthy eating. If she normally eats very healthy food with you then being offered cakes and sweets and fuzzy pop at Dad's is bound to be tempting and no wonder she has tummy ache when she gets back. It doesn't mean he is doing anything wrong!

A trip to te GP isn't going to assist you either. Are you thinking if the Gp days she needs to eat healthier and he doesn't comply then you'll have reason to claim he is damaging her health and acting against GP advice and be able to justify stopping contact? If so, it won't work.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 23/05/2014 00:02

Then start documenting - try and get him to respond to emails if you can - and start thinking about court yourself maybe. If what you describe in your last few posts is true, then he is abusing her to get to you.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 23/05/2014 00:03

Yes, icanseethesun has linked the thread I was thinking of. Is that really not you? Uncanny if so!

yellowdinosauragain · 23/05/2014 00:06

Yes that's the one I was thinking of too

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 23/05/2014 00:06

Even the food diaries posted on the two threads are almost identical down to the porridge and blueberries -! OP I really struggle to think that's not you!

YussMinister · 23/05/2014 00:09

You say she's overweight but does lots of gymnastics - you know most Olympic athletes are clinically obese according to bmi charts right? Muscle weighs more than fat. The large meals at her dad's are not often enough to make her obese via dietary means alone.

thornrose · 23/05/2014 00:10

So we've established this IS you OP, what do you think/do you want to happen?

andsmile · 23/05/2014 01:12

it is abuse. but you also OP seem in denial about what you feed your DD. It would have been better if you were up front a bit more from the off.

You sound like you have an issue with contact that is not just to do with what your ex feeds your DD.

However re abuse, I would be speaking to a solictors about contact until you can get this situation fully assessed by SS and GP.

AgaPanthers · 23/05/2014 01:44

In OP's other thread, her 7 year old DD is a 5-year old DS?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a2086299-to-be-annoyed-with-dh-for-babying-our-toddler

AgaPanthers · 23/05/2014 01:45

Almost 5, sorry.

APlaceInTheWinter · 23/05/2014 01:46

You are turning food into a battleground. Stop it. It's not helping your dd and your fixation will screw up her relationship with food.
Your examples don't make sense. If he is stuffing her full of rubbish you'd expect her to be constipated not have diarrhoea. So either the latter is caused by stress (because you and her df seem to have put her in the middle of constant conflict) or she has some food intolerances or bowel issues.
Take her to the GP and ask for intolerance testing.
Also you sound incredibly stressed. Your ex seems to know how to press your buttons. Make an appointment with your GP to have a chat about your stress and/or go to see a counsellor.
Your threads make me very upset for your dd. It sounds as though she is constantly being hounded about food by both her parents.

Anchorage · 23/05/2014 06:12

And now an 8 year old, 4 year old and 2 year old - here

A veritable feast of children to deal with. No wonder the OP is stressed.

APlaceInTheWinter · 23/05/2014 11:31

I always understood that it was ok on MN to change the age, sex and number of dc's in your threads as you might be doing so to protect your privacy. I don't think it's fair to call someone on that.

SpringBreaker · 23/05/2014 11:40

Op has explained in one thread that the eldest is from a previous relationship.

I think the issue here is that the op is looking for excuses to block contact.

HercShipwright · 23/05/2014 11:52

Ham AND chicken AND hummus all for the same packed lunch??? That's not healthy eating.

HercShipwright · 23/05/2014 11:54

Soory - it's ham AND sausages AND hummus all for the same meal. Then cheese for a snack (worst possible thing to eat before doing an activity). That's your problem.

Itsfab · 23/05/2014 12:01

If he likes to have the threat of court over you stop letting him! You need to look carefully at what your daughter is eating and drinking and decide if you really are giving her the best food for her.

He sounds like a dick. He is causing pain in your daughter as his need to control and piss you off is bigger. So stop letting him. If you are so sure he is being neglectful, abusive or whatever then surely you should be doing something about that.

yellowdinosauragain · 23/05/2014 12:02

Loving that cheese for a snack is the problem but eating takeaways and doughnuts until you feel sick isn't...

Of course there may be faults on both sides so seeing a dietician would be helpful. But if you are the poster on the other thread and what you posted was a fair representation of what is happening cheese for a snack would be a drop in the ocean.

Itsfab · 23/05/2014 12:15

Muscle DOES NOT weigh more than fat. A pound is a pound no matter what it is made up of. Muscle is denser so by volume it can appear to weigh more.

GertrudeBell · 23/05/2014 12:22

A cubic inch of muscle will weigh more than a cubic inch of that. It does weigh more, but that depends on the measurements being used.