Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to make an appointment with dds doctor about but not with her?

77 replies

HeatherFlump · 22/05/2014 22:45

Dd is 7. Though she looks pretty much fine (though with a protruding tummy) she is technically classed as 'very overweight.' She is extremely active - she does three dance classes and four other sporting activities each week and is otherwise always scooting or trampolining. She eats healthily with me, but her diet and exercise during contact with her father is appalling.

He sees her every other weekend plus one weeknight every other week for tea. She eats up to triple the recommended daily calories for her age each day there, and tea is always a massive take away. My mum has type 2 diabetes and is seriously ill with it, it is known to run in families. Everything dd eats with her father is sugar-laden and I'm terrified that these massive sugar binges are putting her at risk of developing type 2 diabetes too.

I'm no medical expert, though, so was thinking of making an appointment with dds doctor to discuss the matter but without her there as I need to mention she's overweight but don't want her to be conscious of it. However, my sister said it's unfair on dd to make an appointment behind her back and that the doctor won't advise without seeing her anyway. What do you think?

OP posts:
Joules68 · 22/05/2014 23:15

So what do you want to have happen?

What is your aim?

WorraLiberty · 22/05/2014 23:16

I'm not sure OP

To be honest I don't think what she eats on the few occasions she's with her Dad is going to make her 'very overweight', with all the exercise and healthy eating of regular portions you say she gets at home.

Coming from an obese family isn't going to mean a healthy eating very active child is going to be prone to obesity.

And also, how can she be 'technically classed as 'very overweight' but look 'pretty much fine'?

If she's very overweight then she'll look very overweight surely?

Original poster
HeatherFlump · 22/05/2014 23:19

I'd like the GP to tell me if I'm correct in thinking these sugar binges, combined with being overweight, could trigger diabetes. If so, then it's pointless referring dd to a dietician if her dad refuses to be on board. He's always threatening to take me to court so if he did so I'd list his disregard for her health as a welfare concern.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeatherFlump · 22/05/2014 23:21

She honestly doesn't, Worra, and I'm not in denial. She's fairly short which doesn't help but looks very slim from behind, just with a sticky outy belly. She is a gymnast and acrobatic dancer and very strong and muscley.

OP posts:
Joules68 · 22/05/2014 23:23

Ah, so now we are getting to it..... You are looking for justification from your doctor to block contact...

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 22/05/2014 23:25

OP, you have posted about this before. You got similar answers then, lots along the lines of how bad can it be if it's only 2 days etc.

I don't think you're going to find either an answer here or with the GP in these circumstances - as others have said, the GP can only refer you to a dietician, but that's not going to change the fact that her father is neglectful.

It's not a food issue but a care and neglect issue - if you think it's that bad. Would there be any point in talking to the health visitor or even social services? I'm thinking how you can take this along the line of 'he is treating her badly/not looking after her properly' without starting done court fight (which ou would be unlikely to win).

From your posts before I remember that it seems that he's almost putting in the effort to make sure she's overweight and unhealthy- just like him, a two fingers up to you. If that's true, it's horribly abusive.

WorraLiberty · 22/05/2014 23:25

Right so how is she classed as 'very overweight' then?

Sorry if I sound dim but maybe she'll have a growth spurt and the 'protruding belly' will disappear?

I just don't see how such an active, healthy eating of normal portions child can become very overweight because of the tiny amount of meals given to her by her Dad.

Anyway, there's really nothing the Doc can do so maybe take her to see the nurse or HV.

Original poster
HeatherFlump · 22/05/2014 23:25

No Joules, I didn't say anything about stopping or blocking contact. But I would like to speak up for dds wellbeing if he does take me to court.

OP posts:
Joules68 · 22/05/2014 23:27

What's he want to take you to court for anyway? He has good contact already

CustardFromATin · 22/05/2014 23:27

It's quite common for kids to be overweight but not look odd to parents, partly because we're used to seeing big kids and partly because overweight on an adult and a child looks different.

I'm with the others, though, her dad might be adding some weight but not enough to make her 'very' overweight. Is it possible that she is having extra snacks at school, maybe from other kids who don't want theirs? I'd also agree with pps about seeing a dietitian, some of the foods you list like sausages and cheese can be fine as part of a balanced diet but are also very energy-dense for a child with some extra weight and a big appetite.

Original poster
HeatherFlump · 22/05/2014 23:29

According to the charts and BMI calculator she's classified as very overweight. Again, the amount of extra food at her dad's isn't a 'tiny bit extra.' It's at least 9 days worth of extra calories per month, or in school holidays far more. That will naturally make her overweight.

OP posts:
BerniesBurneze · 22/05/2014 23:29

You need a dietician to help you with portion sizes

yellowdinosauragain · 22/05/2014 23:30

Unless I'm very much mistaken you've posted about this before but under another name.

So I'll tell you now what I and several other posters, told you then. Him force feeding her high calorie food to the point that she feels sick and wakes up in discomfort several times a night is abuse.

Go and see the gp for sure and get this documented. But the bottom line is that if he won't listen to this and continues to wilfully overfeed her whenever she is with him despite advice that this is harmful and seeing her up for a lifetime of issues with food, he is abusing her.

So what will you do then?

yellowdinosauragain · 22/05/2014 23:31

Cross posted with Bruno...

Original poster
HeatherFlump · 22/05/2014 23:34

Because he is an abusive arse Joules and likes to leave the threat hanging over me. The latest incident he threatened it over was me 'preventing him from attending dds Easter concert.' The very same Easter concert I told him about in person and via email one month before and booked and paid for a ticket for him for Hmm

Haven't posted before Bruno but you're right - it's very much a two fingers up at me situation. I mentioned concern re: diabetes once and he's fed her loads more sugar since, which he makes a point of telling me.

OP posts:
MostWicked · 22/05/2014 23:34

How do you know how many calories she is consuming when she is at her dad's?

Original poster
HeatherFlump · 22/05/2014 23:36

Not me, yellow. Do you remember the title or name so I can search it? He isn't force feeding her but he is encouraging an unhealthy attitude - I.e. He'll challenge her that he can eat more ice cream than she can, weigh her before/after meals and contact.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 22/05/2014 23:37

I remember you posting about this before now too.

I'll say the same as I said then...

If a child or an adult for that matter eats small/regular portions each and every single day, they will not be able to suddenly turn on a grossly overeating button.

Sure everyone over does it now and then and that makes them feel full, bloated and sometimes ill.

But you only have one stomach and if it's used to feeling full on a regular basis by eating small portions, you simply can't over pack it to the extent where a few large meals per month will make you overweight.

Not with the amount of exercise you say she does.

Both parents need to look at her regular food intake and exercise, otherwise you're just going to start thread after thread after thread...but your DD will still be overweight.

RCheshire · 22/05/2014 23:38

You could search using your descriptions of the situation. Very deja vu for me - even similar phrasing and wording believe it or not.

Original poster
HeatherFlump · 22/05/2014 23:38

He encourages her to lie to me most but she'll often cry and divulge all when her tummy hurts. He takes pleasure in listing it all to me too because he likes to do the opposite of what I've suggested

OP posts:
CustardFromATin · 22/05/2014 23:39

Maybe the specialist you really need is a mediator? It sounds like food has become a battle ground (not uncommon, did you see the recent pics of Chris Martin taking his and Gwyneth's children to McDonalds?), but your dd will clearly be picking up on this - and even though he started it and is clearly the one with bad intentions, right now you are BOTH making eating an emotional issue for her. He sounds like he loves her, even if he's an arse to you - is there anyone in his family who could help communicate to him that in trying to hurt you, he is only hurting his daughter?

Failing that, it sounds like you will need to help with lots f extra healthy choices at home, as that's the place where you can make the most difference.

CustardFromATin · 22/05/2014 23:41

And fwiw I think that lack of contact with a father - unless he is truly abusive beyond trying to be a Disney dad with food - is probably more harmful in the long run than 2 days a month of big eating. He sounds like a twat to you, but it does seem that something has to be done to make this situation work.

Original poster
HeatherFlump · 22/05/2014 23:43

She eats until she has diarrhoea worra then eats more. Even with healthy food she'd eat to excess if I let her.

OP posts:
yellowdinosauragain · 22/05/2014 23:43

Uncannily similar situation if not the same patent. Down to identical posting style and weighing before and after meals...

yellowdinosauragain · 22/05/2014 23:43

Poster not patent