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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fed up with daughter not respecting the value of anything

56 replies

pingufan · 20/05/2014 18:00

Daughter is 11. She's a big girl for her age and I'm constantly buying clothes as before she's worn something it's too small for her. She's now in adult size 12 and is 5'3. She'll not take care of any of her clothes, she'll throw them on the floor, leave them bunched up in the bottom of her wardrobe etc after pulling stuff off the hangers to try on.

The main reason for my rant is shoes. My brother bought her real uggs for Christmas, today I go to move them and notice that she's torn the sole almost completely off. This happens to every pair of shoes she owns, within weeks she's torn the sole off one. I told her off, went to pick up her £32 Clarks school shoes that we bought the weekend before last to find the sole peeling back on those too!!

I could fecking scream!! She was sat there in her iPad so I shouted at her about her shoes and that she had no respect for anything. As I was doing that my attention was drawn to the headphones she was wearing, yes you've guessed it, the wire was hanging out of one earphone, she'd fucking broken those too.

So she's been sent to her room while I calm down. I could honestly kill her. Everything costs a fortune and she thinks it grows on the tree in the garden. I've glued the two pairs of shoes but it's not the bloody point.

How the hell can you keep ripping soles off shoes????? I have shoes for years I don't keep ripping soles off shoes!!!!!

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 20/05/2014 18:06

I think you need to ask her how she's doing it - is the playing football? Or scuffing them skipping?

If she's hard on her shoes she needs boys shoes - they are much sturdier.

pigsDOfly · 20/05/2014 18:06

She won't take care of her clothes, she's a child.

Maybe you need to buy fewer and less expensive things for an eleven year old child especially if she's growing so rapidly.

Lilaclily · 20/05/2014 18:10

Give her an allowance
Let her buy her own clothes & shoes out of it

That's what my mum did & I soon learnt how much everything was

she gave me my child benefit
£40 a month in the eighties I think

Lilaclily · 20/05/2014 18:11

Ah I was probably a teenager though

DeWee · 20/05/2014 18:12

Some people are heavier on shoes than others. My dm used to joke that she ought to sell db to a shoe factory-if they survived his feet for a month they'd survive anything! There wasn't a pair of shoes he wasn't through in 6 weeks. I don't remember ever wearing out shoes as a child, and I wasn't fast growing either.

Out of my dc, dd1 wears out her shoes rather than grows out-but it takes her about a year. Dd2 grows out in 4-6 months, but they're nearly as bad as dd1's after a year. Ds wears out his left shoe along one side, due to scooting.

Some people are harder on shoes than others. It may be something she's doing-but even then it may be something she can't help doing, by brother's problem is he has genetically odd shaped feet and so it wore strangely.

beepingbeep · 20/05/2014 18:13

11, 5ft 3 and in size 12 clothes? Blimey

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/05/2014 18:14

How is she tearing the soles off exactly?

Original poster

pingufan · 20/05/2014 18:15

She reckons she doesn't know how she does it! I'll get 'I don't know', it wasn't me' and some fake tears. Yes I like the idea of boys shoes. Teach her a lesson to be a bit more careful with what she's given. I'm not exaggerating - 2 weeks of school and the soles are flapping whether I buy expensive or cheap pairs. I'm at my wits end

OP posts:

LividofLondon · 20/05/2014 18:15

"She won't take care of her clothes, she's a child"

I don't agree pigs. Even as a child I treated my possessions properly. I didn't break things, didn't leave my clothes in a heap, didn't wreck my shoes, etc. I knew the value of things and took care of mine and others items. It's not necessarily a child thing to be careless.

pingu you say she doesn't "respect the value of anything"; has she ever had to save up and replace things she's wrecked or are they just replaced? Has she saved up and bought herself anything she really wanted and, if so, how did she care for it?

Bagpussss · 20/05/2014 18:17

Is she clumsy?, maybe buy Kickers school shoes, they are dearer than Clarks but may last longer, they are also the fashion shoes for school so she might take care of them better

Original poster

pingufan · 20/05/2014 18:17

The soles end up flapping at the front, mostly the left shoe, I don't know how on earth she manages it! She gets fitted at Clarks, but they are wrecked whether I buy expensive or cheap shoes! She says she doesn't skip or play football she says she doesn't know how it happens....

OP posts:

defineme · 20/05/2014 18:18

She is 11 years old and I'd be pleased she was active enough to be doing that. Your problem is the shoes not the child
Uggs are ridiculous re price and not the right kind of shoe to support growing feet. Why on earth should a child care about designer labels? It's no brain adults who think a label denotes quality/style when it often does neither.
A child should be running around and running her shoes into the ground-so naturally they'll wear them out quicker than an adult.
It's almost like you think it's her fault for growing?
I think an allowance for stuff like headphones is a reasonable enough as they're not a necessity. An allowance based on keeping her bedroom tidy including her clothes?

I do sympathise-my ds1 is 12, 5ft 7 and growing out of shoes every couple of months. He's just got a hole in his trainers from climbing a tree. I haven't told him off about it though...

JingletsJangletsYellowBanglets · 20/05/2014 18:20

I knew how much things cost at 11, what my family could afford and what they couldn't. It wouldn't even occur to me to ask for something expensive as I knew my parents couldn't afford to buy it.

She thinks you can afford it. She breaks stuff, you buy new. Stop replacing her broken stuff immediately. Make her wait a month for new headphones til next pay check and when she wants something else -nope, no more money, it was spent replacing her broken things.

Original poster

pingufan · 20/05/2014 18:20

No, she doesn't pay for anything herself. She has quite a lot of money from her grandma twice a year so I was so annoyed earlier I told her to go get me £30 from her tin to cover the cost of the shoes. She was willing but in reality I wouldn't take the money from her. I've stuck the soles back down with no nails. So maddening though!

OP posts:

CorusKate · 20/05/2014 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daisychicken · 20/05/2014 18:21

Both my dc (12 & 9) are the same. Shoes are wrecked by football, climbing trees etc.. Clothes by grass and mud stains or holes from sliding. Wires on headphones don't last long and ds2 goes through computer mice like nobodies business(!) But they are kids, it's normal for some children to be hard on their clothes and wires are not meant to be twiddled and wrapped around hands etc or (in my Dc's case) pulled out of ears.

I only buy cheap clothes from Tesco, primark etc and shoes from shoezone. I buy earphones from the poundshop (funnily their more expensive headphones (bday/Xmas gift) have lasted..) and add them to stockings at Christmas - dc1 uses earphones for school and when out hence why they have both.

Lioninthesun · 20/05/2014 18:24

I think there is a combination of things going on here. At 11 and growing rapidly she isn't used to her body shape and it changing so fast means she will probably be gangly and accident prone. I seem to remember reading on here that it is hard for the brain to catch up and know have a good sense of perception in growth spurts?
I also agree that at this age she shouldn't have really expensive things - they should be something she gets for birthdays perhaps, but not while she is growing. You'll only end up buying a replacement in a few months. If I put my toddler in a boden dress I can't shout at her for getting it muddy! I know she is 11 and in most ways not in the same league as a toddler, but she is still a child.
With DD I am trying to show her that just because something is broken doesn't mean you get a replacement. Is it worth going back to basics like that for a bit, just to enhance her appreciation? I also tell DD how lucky she is to have xyz if it is expensive or special. Just ideas, sure you have done that until you are blue in the face!

pigsDOfly · 20/05/2014 18:24

I know just because she's a child she shouldn't be allowed to wreck things and have no respect for things Livid but children can be careless.

However in this case, I rather suspect her carelessness is a result of not having to worry about whether or not the things are going to be replaced without question.

RyvitaLoca · 20/05/2014 18:28

Wow, maybe she's at that clumsy stage, where the limbs have grown and the brain hasn't caught up with its body's new form.

My dd is 11 and her bedroom is a pigsty - really. But I buy her fewer expensive things. She has my old lap top. She has my old phone. She got fake uggs!

Nomama · 20/05/2014 18:29

Does she ride a bike and use her left foot as a brake?

My cousin was a bit like this. My hugely house proud aunt had to bite hard and just let her get on with it. Aunt did not repair or replace, iron, re-hang or re-wash clothing that was treated like this. My cousin had to work it out for herself. Wreck it, throw it on the floor and you still have to wear it cos mum is too busy to do what you should be doing.

The Uggs may well be the lesson she learns. If she loves them and will get no further use out of them (or any replacement) she may have a re-think.

She will know how she does it. But your only response to "I don't know" could be "Well nor do I. If you work it out let me know" and walk away.

OK, she is 11, maybe that sentence wouldn't be appropriate!

Gingerandcocoa · 20/05/2014 18:34

I have the same problem with shoes. I've ALWAYS ruined my shoes within a couple of months. I really don't know why but I think I walk with my feet slightly sideways, and after seeing a podiatrist he said it's because my ankles are quite "loose". I was just born like this and I can't really fix my walk except by wearing trainers that overcompensated on the inside...

If her problem is similar, then it's not her fault. Please don't blame her for this!

Runesigil · 20/05/2014 18:36

Have you watched her walking, I mean watched her feet very closely, and particularly when going up steps. Does she drag one leg, or is she a bit more hesitant, even very slightly. She may have one leg longer than the other, not so's you'd notice but enough to cause a problem with footwear.

This happens to every pair of shoes she owns, within weeks she's torn the sole off one
As it's happening to one shoe more than the other that would be enough for me to investigate further.

Suggest a visit to the GP with maybe a referral to a podiatrist. If she genuinely doesn't know how the sole damage is caused she may welcome an investigation.

Original poster

pingufan · 20/05/2014 19:06

I am beginning to wonder if it's a gait problem, she's not skipping, playing football or riding a bike only running around so maybe she isn't lifting her feet up properly. I will investigate

OP posts:

CumberCookie · 20/05/2014 19:06

I don't mean to be disrespectful or anything but does she walk in a strange way? Could she be dragging one foot along the floor or something? It just seems a very strange problem...

CumberCookie · 20/05/2014 19:06

Sorry cross post

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