Fed up with daughter not respecting the value of anything

[pingufan]

Daughter is 11. She's a big girl for her age and I'm constantly buying clothes as before she's worn something it's too small for her. She's now in adult size 12 and is 5'3. She'll not take care of any of her clothes, she'll throw them on the floor, leave them bunched up in the bottom of her wardrobe etc after pulling stuff off the hangers to try on.

The main reason for my rant is shoes. My brother bought her real uggs for Christmas, today I go to move them and notice that she's torn the sole almost completely off. This happens to every pair of shoes she owns, within weeks she's torn the sole off one. I told her off, went to pick up her £32 Clarks school shoes that we bought the weekend before last to find the sole peeling back on those too!!

I could fecking scream!! She was sat there in her iPad so I shouted at her about her shoes and that she had no respect for anything. As I was doing that my attention was drawn to the headphones she was wearing, yes you've guessed it, the wire was hanging out of one earphone, she'd fucking broken those too.

So she's been sent to her room while I calm down. I could honestly kill her. Everything costs a fortune and she thinks it grows on the tree in the garden. I've glued the two pairs of shoes but it's not the bloody point.

How the hell can you keep ripping soles off shoes????? I have shoes for years I don't keep ripping soles off shoes!!!!!

Have you thought about if there is a medical reason for the shoes.

When she is bare footed look at the way she is walking.

Ah op she's only 11.

Buy cheap clothes from matalan and primark and come in she may need a bit of extra support if she is so grown for her age.

No one understands the value of money unless they have earned it.

Believe me I understand but chatting over a hot chocolate and listening to your kid works better than yelling.

But we all need a bloody good yell sometimes.

Not sure about the shoes, but if she's growing out of clothes so fast maybe you ought to look at her diet. Size 12 is too big for an 11 year old and I would say she is overweight, even at 5'3", that would be overweight for an adult woman.

The shoes don't sound like something she can really help. I doubt she even knows how it happens, there's not one single incident that will cause a shoes sole to fall off.

But it sounds like a problem with the shoe itself and not her. How are her arch supports? My husband has flat feet and wears his soles out too (though not nearly as fast!).

Shoe wear patterns I'd look at that and see where she's wearing most on her shoes. She's growing so fast her body may not know how to coordinate her feet to walk properly yet.

Blimey I wouldn't say 5 foot 3 and a size 12 was overweight really.

If its mostly one shoe I would say its the way she stands, probably with one foot bent.....as in one foot flat on the floor, the other foot idly scraping back and forth on the toe.

Its something girls seem to do while chatting to each other usually leaning against walls. Stand in any playground for a few minutes and you will see a huddle and at least one girl doing this...she probably doesnt even realise she is doing it

Thank for all your suggestions, she does seem quite flat footed but doesn't appear to walk strangely in any way. The scraping of the shoe back and forth may be an issue I've seen her do that in the past. She's never still so even when she's sitting she's swinging her legs.

As for her size she looks quite well proportioned but I agree she is and always has been a sturdy child. She tends to grow outward and I think she looks like she's put on weight then she gets a spurt upwards. She's already in a size adult 5 shoe too. I can barely keep up with the need for clothing! Because she hasn't got a womanly shape yet the adult clothing that she needs never seems to look right on her.

That is very odd, I can't imagine how they could get wrecked so easily.

One of mine used to drag her toes along when walking, making a scraping sound. I told her not to do it as it was wrecking her shoes. She did stop and now a pair of Clarkes will last a season or more. I think you need to investigate how and why they are getting wrecked in such a similar way each time and so quickly.

I'd agree about her gait possibly being to blame. If, as you say, she's a big girl for her age, she might be going through a bit of an 'awkward' stage and that might be reflected in the way she walks. As for the headphones - they are ALL crap. I use them most days when at work and go through a pair about every 3 months. Expensive or cheap, the wires break SO easily.

even at 5'3", that would be overweight for an adult woman.

Best get that gastric band fitted pronto...

As to the mess in the room - she needs help with that.
I don't mean do it for her, but show her how, help her and give her a time to do it.

There are plenty of grown women on here who ask for help with that.

I had the exact same problem when I was your daughter's age, and all through my teens. I was (still am) awkward and clumsy, and tend to stomp about a bit. Head in the clouds, everything I had was scruffy, ripped schoolbag, chronically messy room, the lot. I used to wear Converse All-Stars, and every pair would rip at the left ankle. Thing was, my dad was a pretty laissez-faire parent, he didn't really notice until the sole actually tore off, and I just thought I looked super cool and grungy.

My school shoes were DMs though, they were the only things I couldn't wear through (just). If you do go down that route, or Kickers, or whatever, I would recommend sitting down and showing her how to polish/care for them. Then she can notice the wear and tear herself and understand how it happens?

Shoes are one thing, for non-essentials like headphones, if they break, don't replace them. She can get a new pair with the £30 from her grandma.

I was awful on shoes as a child and still am. I have one leg which is about a half-inch longer than the other. My dad had the same (and has horrible hip and back problems from it now he's elderly, so I am getting mine sorted out!) - but it meant he knew what was happening to my shoes! They wear down very unevenly on both feet. I still don't buy expensive shoes, as no matter how good they were, I always ended up ruining them or having to pay to have them re-heeled every couple of months.

Shoes are one thing, for non-essentials like headphones, if they break, don't replace them. She can get a new pair with the £30 from her grandma.
Yes, that. Essentials you have to suck up, to a degree, luxuries not so much.

My son is 13 and wears clarks school shoes. He plays footie all playtimes, after school, walks over a mile each way to and from school, and still the soles are absolutely fine. I do think this sounds like either a gait problem or some other kind of damage is being done to them.

Re the "floordrobe" I no longer iron or pick up after my teen DC because of this. It was hard at first as I was so tempted to tidy up the mess, but most of the mums of teens I know just ignore the mess as it is easier than getting in a constant state over it. If they ask me where anything is I just point out that I don't ever go in their rooms and they should look themselves. This has led to some not much improvements in how they treat their clothes and stuff. Their rooms and all they contain are their problem.

I call it preparing them for real life!!

Op

She is a child I am afraid values have come from you, how can you be sooo angry towards her when she is 11?

I can understand frustration etc you need to help her understand the value of things...

I think its stupid to buy such expensive items for small children and at the same time, presents are presents...its not her fault someone has chosen to give her ridiculously expensive uggs...and its not really anyone elses business now they have been handed over to her either - as a gift...

As for the shoes, agree it sounds odd, if she is doing it deliberatey that sounds like strange behaviour ( trying to get your attention) - and if not, she cant help it...

Sounds like she has way too many clothes.
DD has a floordrobe because somebody gave her (2nd hand) 8 carrier bag fulls of nice clothes.
What does she actually need?
DD has uniform, otherwise lives in her onesies (she has 2) on non-school days.
Realistically, DD needs just 3 outfits for each season. And maybe a disco/party outfit that could be worn any time, and a few jackets/coats. Maximum 4 pairs of shoes including party & school shoes, to cover all seasons.
Nobody* needs UGGs.

*Okay, maybe Aussie surfers have a case for needing Uggs, but nobody else.

People don't think a size 12 is big for age 11? REALLY? I'm 4 inches taller than the OPs daughter and a size 12 at almost 11 stone. At 5'3" size 12 would be chubby, particularly for a child.

Does she ride a bike or scooter OP? is she trailing her feet along the ground?

I'm 5'3 and a size 10, im just into the overweight category, I need to weigh a little less to be a healthy weight

It's very different being a size 12 5'3" adult and a size 12 5'3" 11 year old child! For one, OP says that the clothes don't fit properly (because her daughter hasn't hit puberty fully yet) which means that her daughter doesn't have hips or breasts to fill out the clothing yet suggesting she should be at least a size smaller than a grown adult woman with even B cup breasts.

I think there are a lot of overlapping issues going on here:

• Messiness/not looking after her things - she needs to fix this, she is old enough to keep her stuff tidy. I have an 11yo messmonster, but I lay down the law.
• Shoes wearing out - I agree with all the other posters and get this investigated.
• Size/weight - This could be linked with the shoes thing - if she is growing unevenly, for example, and has one leg significantly longer than the other. Size 12 is on the big side for 5'3'' though, my 11yo is an inch shorter and a size 6 falls off her. However, she may be revving up for a major upward spurt - my now 13yo grew 8 inches between 11 and 13 (and no sign of stopping yet) and she was a little chubby at 11 (though within healthy BMI). She's now 5'8'' and a size 8 with a definite womanly figure.

Well, it must be, as it was the OP that stated her size! I was suggesting that as she keeps outgrowing her clothes so often she might be putting too much weight on! I KNOW 11 year olds are growing fast, upwards, it was just a thought!

I don't understand why you are so cross with your child. I think you need to get her feet or back checked out to see if she has any issues that need sorting. She is not wrecking her shoes on purpose so why are you blaming her?