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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to request no birthday gifts for 5 year old?

70 replies

lapacifica · 19/05/2014 16:46

Hello All,
Id like to get your thoughts on the topic of birthday presents.
My daughter started school this year and we will invite her whole class to her party.
Last year all her nursery friends came and we were all overwhelmed by the amount of birthday presents.
This year, I would like to say no to birthday presents. I dont want to offend people nor shun their generosity, but I am trying to encourage less materialism at home.
My daughter will get presents from us, and our relatives relatives. She does not need another 20 odd presents, nor do we have that much space at home.
Do you think its OK to say no to presents on the invite? I am sensitive to the fact that this is not the norm and that people like to give presents.
Do you think its OK to ask for a small donation towards Save The Children, a charity we support. My daughter is fine with this,
but will I be offending people. I dont want to come across as a party pooper or being on a high horse.
Your feedback is much appreciated.

OP posts:

Nomama · 19/05/2014 16:53

Or you could collect presents and take them to your nearest children's ward. Ring and ask if they have a policy. It might be a bit easier to explain to parents.

NotYouNaanBread · 19/05/2014 16:53

We requested no presents for DD1's birthday. It was in late January and we were still swimming in all the stuff MIL sent.

People won't be offended re. being asked not to bring a present, but please don't presume to tell them where they ought to be spending their money, even if it is a great and relevant charity that you feel strongly about. It comes across as more than a little holier-than-thou and, unintentional as it might be, suggests that you are judging others for NOT making similar choices. Just say "no presents" and leave it at that.

EnglishRose1320 · 19/05/2014 16:54

I think it will be much harder to ask friends not to bring gifts than family members, could you not ask family members to donate money and let the friends bring presents.
Sometimes when my son goes to a party I don't have a lot of money but spend time finding a really nice present with the money I have, I would be quite embarrassed if the host saw how little I had to spend which they would if you were asking for a donation.
I have never thought of giving money to charity for my children, do it for family members' this year your present was a goat to someone in africa' etc but to keep down actual gifts I do ask relatives to pay towards swimming lessons, new bunk beds etc, family members can also give gifts like a day out to the park, a babysitting session and so on

Lioninthesun · 19/05/2014 16:56

Could they bring a dish instead? Not sure on type of party!

gordyslovesheep · 19/05/2014 16:57

what does you child think? it's HER party and HER gifts

EnglishRose1320 · 19/05/2014 16:57

Cross posted! I think Notyounaanbread is right, I personally wouldn't take offence to be asked not to give a present but the idea of donations is awkward. I'm guessing you don't do party bags but I would feel a bit odd if my child brought a gift home but hadn't given one- maybe that's just me.
I like Nomama's idea as well.

Vintagebeads · 19/05/2014 16:59

Can't you just let people do what THEY want?
In my experience most people will still buy something because they are afraid they might be the only one not to.

Sorry but it drives me mad when hosts start telling their guests what to do ref.gifts.

If your DC gets gifts,then either re gift them or give them away to a charity,it doesn't have to be told to the guests or your DD she cant be more than 5 so she wont notice.

Thumbwitch · 19/05/2014 17:01

I tried it last year when DS1 was 5, and I tried it again this year when he was 6. Failed both times. People expect to bring a present to a party, and they do! I'm actually a bit horrified by how much some people spend on a birthday present for DS1 as well - I have a rule of no more than AU$10 (unless it's a special friend), but some people were spending way more than that, which is a bit embarrassing!

I don't know how you stop people bringing presents, tbh - but one friend I had tried to get all her friends to give recycled gifts to her DD (it worked quite well), and another friend stipulated that gifts should be for growing in the garden (bulbs, seeds, plants), which also half-worked, so they might be ideas you could consider.

gamerchick · 19/05/2014 17:03

You say your daughter is fine with it but is she really.. kids love getting their prezzies at parties.

Please don't ask for a donation though.. it'll make you look odd.

Bellezeboobian · 19/05/2014 17:03

I would accept them and donate them to a children's ward like nomama said.

MarianForrester · 19/05/2014 17:04

I think YABU and are at risk of you and dd coming across as a bit weird with the other kids and their parents.

She will also go to other kids' parties and see them getting presents,bit hard.

I know where you are coming from, and I had a "no presents" wedding and naming day, but little children's parties are different, I think.

EnglishRose1320 · 19/05/2014 17:05

I suppose if you know the parents well you can chat to them about it but I think if you don't know the parents you should just accept the gifts and then as others have suggested re-gift or charity them. My children have never been allowed to open gifts at the actual party so you can wait till the guests have left and then when your daughter opens them let her keep the couple that she seems excited about/you like/are useful and then just hide the rest away before the packaging gets damaged.
If re gifting just make sure you don't make the mistake of re-gifting in the same social group!

NotYouNaanBread · 19/05/2014 17:05

Oh I love the idea of seeds etc. I hate the idea of people overspending on these things - a lot of parties in a term can really add up, but a present that can be easily achieved for £1.50 AND GROW, is brilliant.

Jellymum1 · 19/05/2014 17:06

I always say no presents for dd.. but people still bring them. I wouldnt ask for charity donations personally though just say no presents and see what happens. if she still gets gifts then redonate those.

oldgrandmama · 19/05/2014 17:06

I think you just have to suck it up and let people bring presents. Your child will love unwrapping them all and when, inevitably, child is bored with the stuff, you can take it to nearest charity shop/thrift store. You COULD ask for donations to a charity but then that makes people anxious - how much? How does party giving parent know that we donated? Short of having a collection box by door as guests arrive, no way of doing this gracefully! Let them bring gifts, pass gifts on later ....

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 19/05/2014 17:07

Just let them bring presents if they want to. I don't understand the notion that we should tell people whether they can or can't give a gift to someone.

You can tackle materialism at home by just not buying your DD things because she asks for them - I'm sure you already do that, to be fair.

A child who receives gifts only for her birthday, Christmas or other very special occasion is not likely to grow up overly spoilt & materialistic.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 19/05/2014 17:08

It wouldnt bother me being askd not to bring a gift but thats because I always would. Id maybe brig something consumable like a magazine or a bag of dolly mixtures, guessing its because said child has too many gifts.

I would be bothered asking to donate to charity instead!

MagnaCharge · 19/05/2014 17:10

I would not make a cash donation to a charity of your choice as I am very particular about where I donate to.
However if I was sure your daughter was happy with the arrangement I wouldn't bring a present (to be honest I would buy one and leave it in the car in case a) your daughter appeared upset at the lack of presents and b) everyone else brought one).

NickiFury · 19/05/2014 17:10

I hate this.

It's ONE day, your dd's day, not yours to impose YOUR wishes and values on. She will have around 10 child's birthdays where she may be inundated with presents, only 10 days out of her whole life.

Encourage less materialism the other 364 days of the year. It's not about you!

Yes I would think you were pompous and a kill joy if you did this but am fully aware I will be alone in that opinion on this thread.

123Jump · 19/05/2014 17:11

I agree with Santa above.
I think people get a bit intense about this on here.
She is 5, she'll get loads of stuff, big deal!
I only ever got presses at christmas or a birthday. Just stick to these two times and let kids enjoy themselves!!

CoffeeTea103 · 19/05/2014 17:12

Just let people bring what they want. You can donate it or let your dd pick out a few which she wants. I also agree that the request for donations to a charity comes across a bit holier than thou.

Fav · 19/05/2014 17:14

YABU.
To a child, what is the point of having a birthday party if they're not getting any presents?

If my dc was given an invitation to a 5 yr olds party, along with a request for no presents, I'd feel very sorry for the child.

WorraLiberty · 19/05/2014 17:14

I agree with NickiFury to be honest

Also, if people went back to inviting just the child's closest friends instead of this silly whole class party thing, they wouldn't be inundated with gifts.

To those of you suggesting the OP accepts the gifts (which her DD will see being given) and then get rid of them to charity...have you not thought how upsetting that might be for a little 5yr old?

Igggi · 19/05/2014 17:17

If you decide to take presents and then donate them, just be careful your dd doesn't mention this at school - oh I got a barbie like that but we gave it to the charity shop - as likely to give the impression that the gift was crap/not valued.

EnglishRose1320 · 19/05/2014 17:17

NickiFury I understand the 'it's only one day' feeling however I also understand the OP's worry about having a small house and not wanting a spoilt child. I do think though you are responsible yourself for making sure your child is not spoilt not your guests, so as I said you can ask them not to bring gifts but you might make them feel uncomfortable, I def wouldn't ask for a charity donation.
Personally I love parties and spend a long time on the perfect party bag so am happy to give gifts and receive them. My children are not materialistic, they know they can't have everything they want, are not bother by brands and have an understanding of things like fair trade, I didn't have to stop presents to achieve that but I wouldn't mind if someone else felt that they did have to.

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