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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to request no birthday gifts for 5 year old?

70 replies

lapacifica · 19/05/2014 16:46

Hello All,
Id like to get your thoughts on the topic of birthday presents.
My daughter started school this year and we will invite her whole class to her party.
Last year all her nursery friends came and we were all overwhelmed by the amount of birthday presents.
This year, I would like to say no to birthday presents. I dont want to offend people nor shun their generosity, but I am trying to encourage less materialism at home.
My daughter will get presents from us, and our relatives relatives. She does not need another 20 odd presents, nor do we have that much space at home.
Do you think its OK to say no to presents on the invite? I am sensitive to the fact that this is not the norm and that people like to give presents.
Do you think its OK to ask for a small donation towards Save The Children, a charity we support. My daughter is fine with this,
but will I be offending people. I dont want to come across as a party pooper or being on a high horse.
Your feedback is much appreciated.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 19/05/2014 17:18

As a guest I wouldn't like to be told no presents if I am honest. I know my DD wouldn't have liked it either - she used to enjoy choosing gift for a friends and I think it encourages children to think of others, and it is generally polite to take a gift to a host, even as an adult.

The whole asking for a donation I am also not keen on. I think charity giving should be a personal decision as to when you give, how much, to which charity, etc. rather than being told to do it on someone else's behalf.

It's your DD's birthday party. It is once a year. Let her little friends choose a gift and bring it for her. It is nice for both sides - to give and to receive (and thank on doing so.)

Whitewhine · 19/05/2014 17:18

We had a large party recently (30 kids) Having tried and failed miserably previously with the "no presents please" request, I decided to leave it to parents to decide what to do. In the end, most asked for an idea of what DS would appreciate. I replied that a token amount in a card towards a new football strip (not due out until after his birthday) would be gratefully received. Most indicated they were delighted - no shopping, wrapping etc.

In the end, he received a mix of some lovely presents and some money. We got the strip and sent thank you cards with a picture of him wearing it. He has some money leftover which we have added to his bank account.

His favourite present? A whole box of Maltesers just for him!

Hulababy · 19/05/2014 17:21

Also worth thinking.

Material possessions, gifts, etc do not make a spoilt child.

A child can have many items and not be spoilt.
Likewise a child with far less items can be spoilt, for what of a better word - hate the phrase "spolit" personally.

It is all down to how you teach them - to be grateful and thankfully, to have manners and be polite, not to expect, not to ask and be grabby. Teach them this stuff properly and it won't really matter if they have many material things - they will still be lovely, happy and polite, and not in the least "spoilt."

SlimJiminy · 19/05/2014 17:30

Can't you just work a subtle 1-in-1-out rule for toys? Take anything she no longer plays with to the local charity shop and make room for the new stuff? I know that's what my mum did even though our house had room for loads more toys

Nanny0gg · 19/05/2014 17:59

I'm sure there was a very long thread about this recently.

I'm also sure that the overwhelming opinion was that the OP was very, very U!

manicinsomniac · 19/05/2014 18:09

I think YABU too

I think it's ok (if a bit odd ) to specifically say no presents but I definitely don't think you should ask for donations to charity as

a) it makes you look a bit smug

b) some people on a low budget pre buy bargains as presents and have a generic present box to pick from for birthdays so to ask them to make a donation would be difficult for them.

HappyMummyOfOne · 19/05/2014 18:19

"I hate this.

It's ONE day, your dd's day, not yours to impose YOUR wishes and values on. She will have around 10 child's birthdays where she may be inundated with presents, only 10 days out of her whole life.

Encourage less materialism the other 364 days of the year. It's not about you!

Yes I would think you were pompous and a kill joy if you did this but am fully aware I will be alone in that opinion on this thread."

Well said. Totally agree.

I'd ignore the request and buy a present anyway. Its not for you but the child. I hate charity requests as like to choose my own charities whose ethics and financial practices i agree with.

ihaveadirtydog · 19/05/2014 18:20

My dd has just had a big party for her 5th birthday. Tbh I was dreading the amount of presents. Quite a few people asked if it was ok to give vouchers or cash and I said yes please but not for them to feel obliged to give anything.
She did get an awful lot but it made her so happy to see what her friends had given her. Some of them were really thoughtful.
She got plenty of craft things that I will put away and get out on rainy days or when she has friends round and some lovely clothes which are always welcome.
A few duplications which we will just put in our present drawer.
Maybe get her to give some of her old things to a charity shop to make space.

Deverethemuzzler · 19/05/2014 18:27

I have 3 of my 5 dc's birthdays right near Christmas.

The other two are early spring so still quite close!

If people ask I suggest gift cards from somewhere easy like Argos. I say 'but pleased don't feel you have to give anything' at the same time and I mean it.

I always give money or gift cards. Parents usually seem relieved when I do.

Its easier to buy presents for little ones but as soon as they are school age it gets tricky, specially if you don't know the child well.

Redglitter · 19/05/2014 18:30

I hardly think getting presents at her party will turn her into a spoilt child. Let her enjoy her party. How's the wee soul going to feel going to other parties seeing the birthday child getting stuff and she didn't.

My SIL puts some of my nieces pressies away and they get introduced later. A few duplicates have been recycled as presents to other parties!!

It's only one day a year let her have her party and presents

Hulababy · 19/05/2014 18:30

I would only offer suggestions to anyone who chooses to seek you out and ask if there is anything your child likes or wants.

Wherever possibly I would avoid asking for money. I personally don't like giftcards/vouchers either for little ones but if someone asks for ides I can understand why they might come up.

saoirse31 · 19/05/2014 18:32

What does your dd think? Its her birthday.... tbh I hate the ' we're better and less focused on material things' vibe which I always feel when this arises however much this is not meant. Each to their own tho... tho personally id bring a present probably..

ToffeeMoon · 19/05/2014 18:35

But if you do it, everyone else will feel they have to when it's their child's party. Or they'll feel greedy for not doing it!

Just let people do what they want. At 5 you can still easily hide a few away and dispose of them as you please. Or have a peek before you let DD loose and remove any you would rather not have cluttering the place up - I've done that before!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 19/05/2014 18:36

I went to a party recently where the boy's mum said her son was saving up for a large Lego set and asking for donations towards it. I quite like that idea as it means the boy get one really lovely present from his school friends rather lots and lots of stuff that might not be played with much.

I wasn't brave enough to do the same and have bought yet another toy storage unit from Ikea this weekend after DS and DD had their 4th and 6th birthday parties close together...

PrincessBabyCat · 19/05/2014 18:36

How generous of you to be making decisions for DD's birthday gifts. You better be doing the same for your own birthday and giving away gifts you do get to charities.

Personally if someone told me to make a charity donation instead of gift for a child, I'd ignore them. An idea like that is very obvious that it's not hers. That's an adult decision, for adult parties and gifts who understand what donating truly means. Your daughter is only ok because you talked her up about it. I can promise that when she sees all her new shiny presents being given away, she'll be singing a different tune. Altruism is not something a 5 year old gets. They will understand that giving people something is nice, but they won't understand the concept of selflessness and giving up something important to them to make someone they don't know happy.

We got lots of stuff growing up, but my parents made sure that we were still grateful for what we got. We always had to write thank yous and we had to still smile and be gracious when opening a gift we didn't like (and we got prepped about smiling about a gift and saying thank you before every birthday or Christmas get together). They also had us help pick out toys for the charity tree at Christmas time, and as we got older we had to pick somewhere to volunteer (ok, this was more Sunday school requirements but still). Why not have her go with you to volunteer to give back to the community somehow so she learns to think outside herself? That would have more of an impact than not receiving gifts and simply being told that it's a good thing.

But more importantly, gifts are not about gift themselves. A gift mean that you cared about someone enough to go out of your way to show them a token of affection. I would be insulted if someone gave my gift to charity (unless they out grew it or had it for a while and it was collecting dust). I got the gift for them because I wanted to give them something they would enjoy. It's rude to refuse a gift (unless it's one of those strings attached kind).

Longtalljosie · 19/05/2014 18:36

Just unclench. You'll get a bunch of sticker books and books and Galt craft sets. Any duplicates you can stick in a cupboard and regift. Just let her have her present bonanza - all her classmates will and even at 5 girls are super-sensitive to who's a bit different. Other mums will talk about your no-gift edict (and maybe even slag you off). Making your child the different one in the class is a bloody awful birthday gift.

makeminea6x · 19/05/2014 18:38

I don't think I am a proper mner! I think it sounds fine and I just don't understand why people are so affronted by it!

I would even be happy donating to a charity, as long as it was completely anonymous and a big well known charity like Oxfam.

Clearly I'm U.

PaulinesPen · 19/05/2014 18:41

Yanbu...to do it for your birthday.

parentalunit · 19/05/2014 18:43

A parent-baby group I'm in tried this. We all agreed not to bring presents to each other's children's birthday parties. In reality, everyone brought something! It's just the etiquette. I do think it reduced the spend though, since most presents at the parties were little token presents such as bubbles, magnetic letters, a book, etc.

Suggesting a donation is a bit presumptuous, as would be a donation to an education fund etc. You could give some of the toys to the children's ward, and keep some (and donate the old ones she no longer wants, to make room).

notso · 19/05/2014 18:45

I feel rude as a guest not bringing something. I always ask friends who invite us for dinner if I can bring anything, even if they say no I still take a bottle of wine or something.
I can't help but think if you don't want 20 presents then don't invite 20 people.

Marylou2 · 19/05/2014 18:49

Wow OP, bit of an unpopular suggestion eh? Not with me though! I've always wanted to do this but never had the courage. I'd be delighted to donate to a children's charity and would be overjoyed not to have to find even more space for pink plastic. Lets face it, our kids are so overwhelmed with "stuff" they hardly need any more.

ikeaismylocal · 19/05/2014 18:50

I would make a rule that she can have 10 teddies, 5 board games 5 jigsaws 25 books ( and so on) so when she gets her birthday gifts she can choose to keep them and donate an old teddy/game/book to a second hand shop or donate the gift.

TooLongInTheBog · 19/05/2014 18:50

My friend, when she did a HUGE party for her small DD, suggested that what her DD would really like was EITHER a little bit of lego (not a set), OR a train carriage that would fit on her BRIO set. That meant, for those that paid attention, it was easy to buy something that the DD wanted AND which wasn't extravagant AND you could buy without it clashing with what anyone else bought, as you can never have too many train carriages or lego.

(And both BRIO and lego are supremably passable-on when the DCs have grown out of it.)

Bowlersarm · 19/05/2014 18:50

YABU

I would still turn up with a present. It seems wrong go to a party without one. You might not want your dd to have presents, but I expect she would love to have them.

PrincessBabyCat · 19/05/2014 18:57

I don't think I am a proper mner! I think it sounds fine and I just don't understand why people are so affronted by it!

If my adult family members asked for a charity donation, I'd be fine with it and happily make it in their name.

But a 5 year old? She didn't make that decision on her own. I can promise if you held up a charity certificate or a new toy, the five year old would pick the toy every single time. That's why I personally take issue with it.

If the OP is so adamant about charity donations, do it with her own birthdays, not her child's.

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