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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have zero empathy for DHs 'mid-life crisis'

455 replies

nincompoopascoop · 18/05/2014 22:42

I'm currently five months pregnant with dc4, who was a surprise, though we always planned on having dc4 at some point. Our other children are aged 6, 3 and 2 and DH also has a son from his previous marriage who is 8. Recently DHs behaviour has changed and I think it's a because he's made friends with a young (male) colleague who has expensive cars, clothes, holidays, night's out etc.

As examples - in the past three months DH has had seven nights out. More than he's had in the past three years. Now, while I have no problem with him going out per se, I think he's massively taking advantage of my good nature. He's arranged them and told me after the fact, expected lifts to get there, spent the day before shopping for a new outfit/getting his hair cut, stayed the night at his friends house 'so he wouldn't wake us' and not surfaced until the following evening because he's so hungover. Obviously its irrelevant now because I'm pregnant, but I haven't had a night out in four years and DH would be livid if it took days to have one.

He's volunteered for extra work which has meant working away with his friend, again - telling me after the fact. He and his friend have then been sitting in the hotel bar drinking the extra they've earned, while the kids and I are left home without a second thought.

His friend has made some - what I consider - really disrespectful comments about me. We're moving soon to closer to this friend and he joked to DH that he should leave us where we are and houseshare with him 'because he's fun and not just a freeloader' and then in the same conversation 'i guess I see why you'd pick her though, she does have a cracking arse.' DH hasn't pulled him up on this, which is out of character.

The final straw for me has been with regard to my dss. We've spent a great deal of money and time in court to achieve a court order as his mum was obstructing contact. As a result, we haven't seen dss for three months now. Finally last week we received good news and the first scheduled contact weekend is this weekend coming. However, DH came home from work on Friday saying he'd volunteered to go away (several hundred miles away) for a few days with work as of Tuesday, but it could end up oveerunning. I asked what that meant for dss and he said he'd tell exW/court he had no choice. His only concern was whether he'd get in trouble with court, not that it meant he might not see dss for several more months! You won't be surprised to hear that the friend has also volunteered to go...

Aibu to tell him to get a grip and realise he needs to face up to his responsibilities at home rather than making decisions like he's a single man?

OP posts:
TheWordFactory · 19/05/2014 09:46

OP, what reasons did the ex wife give for not wanting contact to take place between father and son? Was one of them lack of committment? That she feared he'd let her son down?

This man is going to hurt you and your DC, OP, just like he is hurting his first son. He won't care, just as he doesn't care about hurting his son.

Schwarzeneggersgirl · 19/05/2014 09:48

Sorry posted too soon.

That advice will either bring him to his senses or confirm what we all think.

If several total strangers are thinking this then what do work colleagues think if him and his friend are pursuing each other like dogs on heat.

whatever5 · 19/05/2014 09:49

Have you ever spoken to his ex wife OP? I wonder what her side of the story would be regarding the break up of their relationship and her obstructing contact.

OnlyLovers · 19/05/2014 09:51

He's pathetic and I agree with the above; he's always been pathetic. Doing 'what he likes generally while expecting me to pick up the slack.'? Hmm I'm sorry but that negates the 'good husband and father' thing. Would anyone think a woman who did what she wanted and expected their husband to pick up the slack was a good wife/mother? I don't think so.

He needs to pull his weight with your family. No nights out that take up days and mean him staying in bed until evening. No getting ferried to and from his nights out by you.

RitzyTurnip · 19/05/2014 09:52

Do you think drugs may be involved?

Just thinking that if he's doing loads of coke, it might explain his selfish behaviour and his need to go out with this friend at whatever cost.

Awful dickish behaviour from him whatever the cause.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 19/05/2014 09:52

I wonder i there is a link between the fact that he hasnt seen his son in 3 months and this behaviour started (to OP's knowledge) 3 months ago.

Did he let DSS down with last contact(s) visit and EXw decided enough is enough so stopped contact and DH has gone "right so that responsibility is off my shoulders and DW has the other 3 so i'm going to paint the town red (or pink).

GertrudeBell · 19/05/2014 09:58

He is going out on the pull with his younger mate.

giggleshizz · 19/05/2014 10:01

Just curious and sorry if I've missed something but why did exwife and dp break up? Thinking that as there are only two years between dss and your oldest are there issues surrounding this? Also, is this his MO when responsibility gets too much? To go off?

Whatever the history his behaviour is not ok and I would worry about having more children with this man.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 19/05/2014 10:13

Your DH is a cocklodger. Sorry to put it so bluntly.

You already know he is treating you like shit, not to mention his children. My heart broke a little when I read about him skipping out on his first chance to see his eldest in three months and being willing to lie about it to avoid getting into trouble. Jesus H. Christ.

I wouldn't go as far as saying it sounds like an affair with one other man or woman, but I would be very surprised if part of the nights out with Twatmate don't involve pulling strings of women every time.

I actually can't imagine a way of working through this if I was in your position, OP.

BookieTubules · 19/05/2014 10:24

Forget letting him draw his own conclusions, you need to tell him he can't treat his son like that and has to be available at the weekend to see him, and if it causes a massive bust-up then so what. That is despicable - to miss (and lie about why) the first contact for months after a court order. That poor boy.

jojofoam · 19/05/2014 10:26

Ask him when he expects to stop behaving like a single man.
His answer may be quite revealing.
And it might just make him stop and think.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/05/2014 10:39

Bit of a bromance going on here and your DH is loving the new social side of life. He has already behaved selfishly towards you but this work commitment he signed up for torpedoing the weekend with DSS -never mind trouble with the court get mediaeval on him now OP he is being a colossal prick.

VenusDeWillendorf · 19/05/2014 10:47

Could it be possible he's having a homosexual affair with this guy? It's not unheard of of- in fact a DP on the down low it's much commoner than we think.

You need to talk with your DP, OP.
as you are pregnant and have lots of children, i suggest you get a mediator to help you have the discussions, as this is something other than 'the pregnant wife having a nag', and you need to formalise the discussion, so he's respects the process.

Best of luck to you!

Ploppy16 · 19/05/2014 10:48

God he sounds tedious...
Coke's been mentioned a few times and having known a few middle aged men who have got into it his behaviour sounds boringly familiar. I may have missed it but is his job management of some description and quite high pressured? Clients and some entertaining involved? A need or desire to keep up with younger colleagues or what he sees as more successful or more driven colleagues? I can only speak from my own observations and what I here from DH about certain people he works with so sorry if I'm miles off.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 19/05/2014 11:04

Make him put the younger kids to bed! Start something - evening yoga class or whatever/go meet friends for a nice meal, and leave him to it. Sorry, I know you have much much bigger problems here, but seriously, he can't put his own kids to bed?

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/05/2014 11:11

"spent the day before shopping for a new outfit/getting his hair cut"
That comment made me laugh - hell I didn't even do that when I was in my twenties and going out on the pull with my friends was the be-all and end-all of my life. Sooo pathetic and needy.

"he sends me loads of messages telling me how much he loves me when he's out and how he's glad I don't go apeshit like his exW would've...! Classic, hey."
That comment I found chilling; manipulative and 'knowing' IYSWIM. This isn't a case of a man blithely unaware of what he is doing to you, nincompoopascoop. He knows fine well, and he thinks his texts are the crumbs from his table that will keep you in line and, as AF put it, his Domestic Appliance. A couple of other posters have queried her affair as being responsible for their split; and I have to say his manipulative mentioning how his exW would have viewed his behaviour does somewhat back them up.

"If he goes, there'll be a packed bag waiting for his return and he won't be reentering our home unless serious changes are made"
I hope your resolve holds on this. Because from the sound of his behaviour (so shocking about prioritising Twatmate over your DSS, who at 8 is capable of seeing this for what it is) I do think it will come to this. So sorry.

wheresthebeach · 19/05/2014 11:33

He has successfully isolated you. The messages about how understanding you are make me shudder. How patronising is that? Good little wifey...so much better than the first one!

I'm sorry op - you must be exhausted dealing with all this. I think you need to get some control of your life back. Decide how you want to live and sit down and sort this out. I too suspect he's playing around.

Ignoring the chance to see his son is horrifying and tells you everything you need to know about what sort of person he is.

Shonajay · 19/05/2014 11:45

There's more to this. I'd ask to see his phone records or itemised bill. You're being very trusting.

BolshierAyraStark · 19/05/2014 12:07

He has you where he wants you-good little wife at home, he even texts to tell you so while he's out having fun which is nice Hmm

I hope you're prepared to follow through in the bag packed if he goes... You know he's going to go right?

wheresthebeach · 19/05/2014 12:15

Shona is right. Get the phone records.

eddielizzard · 19/05/2014 12:26

another one saying there's more to it i'm afraid. sorry you're going through this.

Ioethe · 19/05/2014 12:37

Or indeed another man.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 19/05/2014 12:44

It would be very very very unusual for a previously ok guy to suddenly morph into a complete twat in this way without there being some romantic dimension, somewhere. That's the bit that makes them turn insane - something (someone) suddenly occupying all their thoughts, so much so that they appear to have a complete personality change, prioritise the love interest over family etc.

I'll eat my hat if your DH is simply chasing after a bit of lost youth. The singleminded nothing else matters attitude says OW. Or yes, OM.

DuchessFanny · 19/05/2014 12:50

My friend DH did this. Got some new mates, who were out a lot. Within months you couldn't keep him at home, he let her and the kids down time and again and got to the point where he'd engineer a row so he could storm out and go to the pub. That or she was 'the only cool wife' out of all their friends, as she didn't dare complain.
He started working away more and more and taking drugs so he could party for longer. All their money went to the pub or up his nose. He never helped with DC or the house.
That's when the affairs started too, he just seemed to 'check out' of all his responsibilities as they weren't as fun as time with his mates.
I just want to say it might not be at this stage yet, but it's heading that way imo and the lying so he can go away with twatmate and not see his son is a big, waving red flag.

Lonecatwithkitten · 19/05/2014 12:51

OP I hope you are still reading even though I know it is really hard to do so. When I first posted about my Ex's affair I got similar posts and they were nearly impossible to read. I so hoped we would be different.
You are an amazing woman and mother to his children he should support you in every way possible not getting new cars, clothes and haircuts.
The ladies on here are very wise often because they have been in your position. Please keep reading as although it's hard there is lots of excellent advice her and you need to protect yourself and your children.