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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have zero empathy for DHs 'mid-life crisis'

455 replies

nincompoopascoop · 18/05/2014 22:42

I'm currently five months pregnant with dc4, who was a surprise, though we always planned on having dc4 at some point. Our other children are aged 6, 3 and 2 and DH also has a son from his previous marriage who is 8. Recently DHs behaviour has changed and I think it's a because he's made friends with a young (male) colleague who has expensive cars, clothes, holidays, night's out etc.

As examples - in the past three months DH has had seven nights out. More than he's had in the past three years. Now, while I have no problem with him going out per se, I think he's massively taking advantage of my good nature. He's arranged them and told me after the fact, expected lifts to get there, spent the day before shopping for a new outfit/getting his hair cut, stayed the night at his friends house 'so he wouldn't wake us' and not surfaced until the following evening because he's so hungover. Obviously its irrelevant now because I'm pregnant, but I haven't had a night out in four years and DH would be livid if it took days to have one.

He's volunteered for extra work which has meant working away with his friend, again - telling me after the fact. He and his friend have then been sitting in the hotel bar drinking the extra they've earned, while the kids and I are left home without a second thought.

His friend has made some - what I consider - really disrespectful comments about me. We're moving soon to closer to this friend and he joked to DH that he should leave us where we are and houseshare with him 'because he's fun and not just a freeloader' and then in the same conversation 'i guess I see why you'd pick her though, she does have a cracking arse.' DH hasn't pulled him up on this, which is out of character.

The final straw for me has been with regard to my dss. We've spent a great deal of money and time in court to achieve a court order as his mum was obstructing contact. As a result, we haven't seen dss for three months now. Finally last week we received good news and the first scheduled contact weekend is this weekend coming. However, DH came home from work on Friday saying he'd volunteered to go away (several hundred miles away) for a few days with work as of Tuesday, but it could end up oveerunning. I asked what that meant for dss and he said he'd tell exW/court he had no choice. His only concern was whether he'd get in trouble with court, not that it meant he might not see dss for several more months! You won't be surprised to hear that the friend has also volunteered to go...

Aibu to tell him to get a grip and realise he needs to face up to his responsibilities at home rather than making decisions like he's a single man?

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 19/05/2014 00:16

Ha Inertia I might start referring to him as Twatmate seeing as I'm apparently 'freelancing fanny'

Confused

you seem to be treating this like he just has an annoying friend. why?

DarkHeart · 19/05/2014 00:18

Sorry but I think you are being very naive. I honestly think this wreaks of an affair.

MargotThreadbetter · 19/05/2014 00:22

Unfortunately the relationships board is full of women who also thought their husbands/partners would not cheat.
Don't be complacent OP, do some more digging.

Original poster
nincompoopascoop · 19/05/2014 00:23

The friend isn't who my problem is with Youre, idiotic though he may be. DH is a grown man who should be capable of making family-appropriate decisions. Yes, his behaviour has been bad since meeting the friend but he's always done what he likes generally while expecting me to pick up the slack. Because he was/is good husband/father in other ways I didn't mind. But choosing to 'work' over seeing your child for the first time in months is beyond the pale, and where it all stops for me.

OP posts:
MargotThreadbetter · 19/05/2014 00:25

And OP, none of us want to be right, it's just that you are shouldering all the responsibility whilst he goes out on the razzle, letting you and his children down and you are also pregnant FFS. He needs an arse whooping.

Icimoi · 19/05/2014 00:26

Have you asked him what the hell is going on in his head in relation to dss? How can it even have occurred to him to volunteer to go several hundred miles away on the first weekend his son is able to see him, and after going to all that trouble to make it happen? And how can it conceivably sit right with him to lie to his ds about this?

kawliga · 19/05/2014 00:29

I agree with those suggesting an affair, which could be a gay affair. Just because there's no other woman involved doesn't mean there's no affair. He's risking a lot, sounds like he's in love and having a fabulous time (and you're making it easier for him by turning a blind eye).

Inertia · 19/05/2014 00:30

You sound very patient and trusting, and your husband is totally and utterly taking advantage of that. I do think you need to bear in mind that there is a chance of other women, and given that you're pregnant the health of your child has to be your priority- in your shoes I think I'd be telling him that his behaviour is making you suspicious and you plan to have an STI test.

Even if he isn't seeing other women, his behaviour is enormously disrespectful, and he's making it abundantly clear that neither you nor any of his DCs are important to him. Twatmate is also disrespectful towards you, but as you're not married to him it's of much less consequence. It would be incredibly hypocritical for your husband to pull up his mate for his lack of respect towards you when DH is blazing a trail down the road of appalling behaviour.

Inertia · 19/05/2014 00:31

Fair point Kawliga.

TucsonGirl · 19/05/2014 00:31

I don't think this wreaks of an affair at all. ONS maybe. More likely just a mid-life crisis with him trying to be one of the lads and recapture his youth while he is still just about young enough to do it.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 19/05/2014 00:33

"The friend isn't who my problem is with Youre, idiotic though he may be. DH is a grown man who should be capable of making family-appropriate decisions. Yes, his behaviour has been bad since meeting the friend but he's always done what he likes generally while expecting me to pick up the slack. Because he was/is good husband/father in other ways I didn't mind. But choosing to 'work' over seeing your child for the first time in months is beyond the pale, and where it all stops for me."

EXACTLY! Which is why i'm so baffled by your responses on this thread as if it's just an irritating friend that's your problem and making little jokes about what you'll call him.

NatashaBee · 19/05/2014 00:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 19/05/2014 00:36

I agree tucson -not an affair. Just a prick reliving his single days, probably playing wingman to his BFF and may or may not be taking the role of wingman too far.

mimishimmi · 19/05/2014 00:53

There's something else going on OP. The friend may be facilitator but I'd keep a very close eye on the situation.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 19/05/2014 01:02

what a fucking loser, that amount of time with no contact would be utterly heartbreaking for any half-decent parent.

If that's the sort of attitude he has towards his son, I'd ditch him, he's not worthy of raising your children.

HowLongIsTooLong · 19/05/2014 01:34

Agree with a lot of the comments above. He needs to be pulled up and read the riot (and reality) act so you can figure out what the hell he thinks a partnership and family is about. It sounds like you have been way too tolerant. Your post starts with a reference to the friend but it sounds like there were deeper problems before he appeared on the horizon.

A few additional questions that your post prompted though:

  • How come you haven't had a night out for four years? I know your children are young and you are now pregnant but to me that smacks a bit of doormat - especially as he is off gallivanting apparently at will. How did that happen? You deserve some time out with friends or to yourself, obviously, and it seems the balance needs to be redrawn there.
  • The comments his "friend" has made. Were you there to hear them, or were they reported to you by DH? If the former I don't know how you could stand to hear them and DH not defend you. That would be so traumatic for me it would put me on the edge re. the entire relationship. If the latter, WTF? Didn't that trigger an almighty conversation about this "mate" and DH's own opinions about the freeloading reference etc? Horrible really, and it sounds like he might have been venting some of his own own underlying view/resentment or just beinga sick bastard and goading you.

Also, the reference to you putting up with things his ex wouldn't would ring alarm bells for me (why did they separate?) and smacks of guilt -he knows he is getting away with murder.
Sounds like he will keep pushing it as far as he can, to be honest.
Only you can stop this!

glasgowstevenagain · 19/05/2014 02:05

Staying over at a friends

What nights out.....pubs or clubs..

He sounds sad

Does he not miss his kids

Ltb

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 19/05/2014 02:17

OP - read your OP back to yourself and then pretend it's a friend writing. What would you say to her? Honestly? Or what would you say to one of your children who was being treated like this (in the future)? This man is playing you BIG TIME. It sounds like you'd be better off without him - you do everything anyway, why not do everything without this millstone hanging around your neck? And I'm sorry, but I do think there's an OW on the scene somewhere.

Original poster
nincompoopascoop · 19/05/2014 07:15

The comments by the friend were via text, I saw them before the backlight went off on his phone when he put it on charge and he's said himself about his friend saying they should houseshare. I haven't seen friend since but usually he's very quiet and barely.says two words to me so quite tempting to embarrass him by bringing it up! Though I agree it's DH who's demonstrating that lack of respect to me is fine. His friend commented once on how our kids are great and he'd love some one day and DH berated him and told him to travel and sow his oats etc, like it's our fault he hasn't done that...!

We moved here for DHs job and I don't have anyone here to go out with plus DH can't (won't/hasn't) put the two youngest to bed. I haven't been out with anyone except him since we met.

OP posts:
BeckAndCall · 19/05/2014 07:25

OP, even if you treat your DH and he's not doing anything wrong ( big 'if' but let's leave it there for now) , what exactly do you think a 24 year old would be doing having nights out with a wing man who has 4 kids, number 5 on the way, if there wasn't something in it for him?

If they're not on the pull together, perhaps it's the friend who is gay and your DH is the target?

Lonecatwithkitten · 19/05/2014 07:26

I was you two and half years ago. Guess what he really was having an affair even though I thought he didn't have it in him to lie that much.
You need to have this out with him in couple conunselling if he won't listen any other way.
I know you don't want to hear it's not OW I am thinking, but OM. All the tell tale signs that I now know where there for me are in your story, but the other person is a man.

Rebecca2014 · 19/05/2014 07:37

He is an 36 year old man and he sounds pathetic, he has FIVE children that it sounds like he does not bother with!

I would not be surprised if they were going out together on the pull and he has or will cheat on you. I am shocked this mate of his wants to hang out with an man 12 years older with him with an wife and five children, I mean doesn't he feel any pity for you?

But if like you said his been an dick in other ways over the years it shouldn't be an surprise his been led astray by a younger man.

Atbeckandcall · 19/05/2014 07:39

OP, how you haven't fed him his own testicles for dinner yet I don't know.

I think you have to be harder on him and tell him it's bothering you. If he doesn't know it pisses you off he'll keep doing it. My DH is a bit emotionally thick sometimes and doesn't think I'm bothered by something, it's not until I say and explain my reasons that he can then work it out. You need to talk.

(waves to Beck).

happytalk13 · 19/05/2014 07:42

I'm afraid I'm with Spero and AF and this reeks. If he can't be bothered with your DSS then he certainly wouldn't be arsed if he found himself out on his arse again re: your children. He's ALL about himself.

I could have written this post. Almost exactly the same happened to me.

YouTheCat · 19/05/2014 07:45

In this instance, I'd say sod being reasonable. Tell him there is no way he is missing his child's birthday and his son's first visit in months - absolutely no way. And if he wants to live life like a single man, then he can become one.