to have zero empathy for DHs 'mid-life crisis'

[nincompoopascoop]

I'm currently five months pregnant with dc4, who was a surprise, though we always planned on having dc4 at some point. Our other children are aged 6, 3 and 2 and DH also has a son from his previous marriage who is 8. Recently DHs behaviour has changed and I think it's a because he's made friends with a young (male) colleague who has expensive cars, clothes, holidays, night's out etc.

As examples - in the past three months DH has had seven nights out. More than he's had in the past three years. Now, while I have no problem with him going out per se, I think he's massively taking advantage of my good nature. He's arranged them and told me after the fact, expected lifts to get there, spent the day before shopping for a new outfit/getting his hair cut, stayed the night at his friends house 'so he wouldn't wake us' and not surfaced until the following evening because he's so hungover. Obviously its irrelevant now because I'm pregnant, but I haven't had a night out in four years and DH would be livid if it took days to have one.

He's volunteered for extra work which has meant working away with his friend, again - telling me after the fact. He and his friend have then been sitting in the hotel bar drinking the extra they've earned, while the kids and I are left home without a second thought.

His friend has made some - what I consider - really disrespectful comments about me. We're moving soon to closer to this friend and he joked to DH that he should leave us where we are and houseshare with him 'because he's fun and not just a freeloader' and then in the same conversation 'i guess I see why you'd pick her though, she does have a cracking arse.' DH hasn't pulled him up on this, which is out of character.

The final straw for me has been with regard to my dss. We've spent a great deal of money and time in court to achieve a court order as his mum was obstructing contact. As a result, we haven't seen dss for three months now. Finally last week we received good news and the first scheduled contact weekend is this weekend coming. However, DH came home from work on Friday saying he'd volunteered to go away (several hundred miles away) for a few days with work as of Tuesday, but it could end up oveerunning. I asked what that meant for dss and he said he'd tell exW/court he had no choice. His only concern was whether he'd get in trouble with court, not that it meant he might not see dss for several more months! You won't be surprised to hear that the friend has also volunteered to go...

Aibu to tell him to get a grip and realise he needs to face up to his responsibilities at home rather than making decisions like he's a single man?

'They don't even ask where he is, they're just used to it being me.'

That is very sad, tbh, OP. And quite telling.

My dh works sometimes very long hours in a clinical setting. So family is absolute top priority outside of work. I work fewer hours but have to go away for work sometimes. So family is absolute top priority when I come home.

And recovering all day in bed from a hangover doesn't sound like it doesn't impact on you all.

spero unless he quit his job and moved away from dss, it'd be very difficult to do. If you can see a way round it that I've missed I'm more than happy to be enlightened. "

Weekends? Like many NRPs do. Or are his weekends reserved for his drinking buddies and clothes shopping?

OP could you recap on what the actual problem is because you seem to be completely denying that the ones that were making you so angry in the OP even exist now.

So what is it that you were complaining about?

I agree it's sad picardy but you can see how he doesn't feel guilty about going out when no one misses his presence.

Op, I'm genuinely interested in what you hoped to gain from this thread.

You must admit that your husbands behaviour needs looking at?

And I repeat youre he only has 1/6 weekends off. That is not compatible with maintaining a relationship with very young children who live a significant distance away.

want he has 1/6 weekends off. Do you think such young children would cope with such infrequent contact? Because I don't.

So if he only has one in 6 weekends off he's choosing to spend those times shopping, having his hair cut, going on the piss and sleeping off a hangover?

If it's not the weekends then how is he finding time to spend all these days shopping and sleeping it off like you said in the OP?

Op , no one misses his presence because he isn't making his presence felt!

< resists urge to pull hair out>

"And I repeat youre he only has 1/6 weekends off. That is not compatible with maintaining a relationship with very young children who live a significant distance away."

Actually it is. He an spend that weekend with them. In between times he can call and skype to talk to them. But based on the way he treats his eldest i can see why you have trouble imagining that happening.

I still think he's selfish doin and will address it with him but it's tough when I resent his freedom to have a life and career because I don't and can't but at the same time I can't and don't want to change it so it seems petty to resent him.

Glad your problems with your husband have been resolved then OP.

Until the fog lifts from your eyes nothing will change.

BTW its not normal, unless you're on the pull to go get new outfits, hairdos for every night out. I bet it's a team effort with himself and his BFF.

OP, you've started to minimise it all now. For example, you're now dismissing his never having put your youngest two to bed because he works long hours. But originally it was "DH can't (won't/hasn't) put the two youngest to bed." Can't. Won't. Hasn't. Small words with big meanings.

Those DC are 3 and 2? So, every night for the past three years, he's been working long hours? This dad, who is "great at playing and being fun" hasn't been home in time, not once, to do bedtime? No days off? No holidays? No effort?

I get it. You thought you were here letting off some steam, having a bit of a rant where it won't impact on real life. Except that it does - because once you've read the responses to your situation you can't unread them, and I'm guessing they have shaken you a bit. You wanted to vent about behaviour you had dismissed (minimised?) as mid-life-crisis and him not prioritising his eldest, and we have all focussed on YOU. And what his behaviour could mean for YOU. And I don't think you're used to considering YOU. You are quite selfless; prioritising him, your DC, DSS, everything, over yourself. But you are the linchpin, the keystone, the loadbearing wall that all of them rest upon, so you really do need to consider you, and your needs. Because those needs are not being met.

I think you need to explore your husband's behaviour a bit more, dispassionately and with no assumptions (i.e. don't assume he's having an affair but also don't assume he isn't. He's willing to lie to his child, his exW and a court, so you can't assume he's not willing to lie to you.) He's behaving like a giddy schoolgirl (haircut and new outfits for going out at night FFS). What are the possibilities? By explore I don't mean hiring a private detective; I mean for you to observe, to ponder, to consider possibilities and probabilities. Think it through.

Whatever you think of the opinions voiced on this thread, try to remember that they have all, every one, confirmed to you that your husband's behaviour is not acceptable. That his friend is disrespectful of you. That you are not a 'freeloading fanny'. That everyone - everyone finds his lack of interest in seeing his son for the first time in three months shocking. These things are the absolutes. Everything else you can weigh up and accord a value to yourself. But be assured that you have the right to expect more from this man.

I realise a lot of this thread must be deeply uncomfortable reading for you. Regardless, I hope you can take some comfort from it. The comfort of knowing that you are right to be outraged at his behaviour (it's so easy to doubt yourself). The comfort of knowing that others have been there before you and have come out of the other side. Maybe even the comfort of knowing you can come back here and vent again, use us as a sounding board. (I often need to see things in black and white to be able to chrystalise my thought from the swirling vagueness that is my brain . )

Best wishes OP.

Say I left now youre the baby would never really know him if they only saw him every six weeks. The eldest would be ok but the preschoolers would cling to me and want me there. He has some weekdays off, which is when he's been out rather than weekends.

where of course he hasn't worked every night for 3 years. But when he's working 12 hour days for 6 days so doesn't see the dc at all, the 2 and 3 yr old don't suddenly want him to put them to bed on the 7th night. They want the same routine as always, which I feel is understandable.

So when he does have time off, he chooses to spend it going out, not with his kids who he hardly otherwise sees. It's not 'petty' to resent that, and I doubt your kids will see it as 'petty' when they are old enough to realise how little effort he is prepared to make for them. And they will work it out all right, howver much you try to compensate or smooth it over in the meantime.

WhereYouLeftIt Great post.

Say I left now youre the baby would never really know him if they only saw him every six weeks. The eldest would be ok but the preschoolers would cling to me and want me there. He has some weekdays off, which is when he's been out rather than weekends.

The baby would get to know him. The pre schoolers would cling initially but after a surprisingly short time would adjust to the idea that they go to daddy's every few weeks, all the better if he keeps up contact in the weeks between contact via skype (he can do it during his lunch hour at work so they are still awake and in good mood to talk). His weekdays off, this man that works so many hours away from his family, he's choosing to use these precious days shopping with his friends and sleeping at their houses?

Sorry nincom this thread is a bit strange. I read your OP and immediately thought he must be having an affair, not because of the nights out neccesarily but the getting his hair done and staying overnight "so as not to wake you up". Sounds very iffy to me. My DH is 36, I'm not remotely possessive and he is welcome to go out with his mates without me but if he chose not to come home to his own warm bed after a night out and preferred to crash on someone's cough I'd be pretty suspicious (not if it was a one off and he got too drunk, but vertainloy if it was a regular, planned thing).

As for all the other stuff - well he sounds like a shit partner and an even shitter dad, basically. I know lots of guys your DH's age who work full-on jobs but still make time to put their kids to bed when they can, or spend time (proper time, not Disney-dad time) with them on the weekend. All of DH's mates talk about doing bath & bed time when they get home from work or taking their little ones to swimming lessons on a Saturday morning or whatever, it's not a chore for them, it's what they do because they are dads.

crash on someone's couch! and certainly

I don't understand how this thread has evolved. Is the husband now reading over OP's shoulder ?

Thats what i wondered aswel

No, Footle. I imagine that all the responses are starting to sink in and the OP has retreated into herself, hopefully to mull it all over. Completely understandable, it's likely come as a shock to read her worst fears. (Everyone has fears.) She needs time to come to terms with how others see her situation, to decide whether we know nothing as we've never met; or whether we are at a distance that facilitates seeing the wood and not the trees . We need to give her time and space and the assurance that she can come back here as and when she wishes.

No, I don't get the impression the husband's interested enough in his wife to read her forum posts - unless he thinks she's cheating.

I'm curious about you, nincompoop! Do you love your husband? I know that's a hard question to answer when you're in a long-term relationship: it's natural to feel 'love' for your partner even if you can't truly say you like them - or even really know them - any more. The world has long been full of women who'll justifiably moan about their husbands' crapness, but still say "I love him, though, and he's a good dad". Thing is, they did/do this due to a lack of viable alternatives. They had to make the best of a bad job. Several generations of people in the UK: activists; philosophers; writers; politicians; judges and lawmakers, have busted their guts to create safe landings for women and children so they don't have to put up with disrespect at home, losing self-respect in the process. It's now relatively unusual to find a woman making the best of it.

As you clearly are a pleasant & highly capable woman, I wonder what's behind your low expectations? By your account, you pretty much are the head of your family and sole parent, so I'm wondering why you find the thought of consolidating it unacceptable. You currently have a part-time husband who pays the bills & plays with the kids when he can be bothered. Most separated mothers have the same. I don't get the impression he's keeping you in great luxury, so what's the pull? Did your mother 'make the best of a bad job'? Do you have astounding sex on a regular basis?

... You don't have to answer, naturally. I am curious, though!

Sorry, I know its a bit pointless to carry on with this but you said this about contact with the children and it leapt out at me
see a way round it that I've missed I'm more than happy to be enlightened

He chose to risk missing seeing his son after 3 MONTHS and a court battle. Were you the one pushing for this court battle?

he doesn't give a shit does he? Stop making excuses for him. As others have said, a dad who loves his kids will travel to see them whenever he can, Skype, telephone and send cards/letters when he can't.

But that might get in the way of going out on the pull with his best mate.

Sorry, read again a bit more thoughtfully.

to me at least it seems absolutely clear what is going on here.

You won't leave him because you know that if you do he will not bother with the children. And that, understandably worries you.

so you do your best to cling to whatever justification you can for his behaviour and how it isn't actually that bad, and its perfectly fine for a father of four, nearly five, to check out of his family whenever it suits him.

I agree, its pure speculation if he is/is not having a wild gay or any other affair. but whether he is putting his penis in someone else's orifice would be quite low down on my list of concerns right now.

to have children of 3 and 2 that he 'can't/won't' put to bed is just ridiculous. What if something happened to you? If you got ill or god forbid died? What do you think would happen to the children then?

Sorry to bang on. it may not be helping now. But I really hope that you come back to this thread if you ever get another few moments to yourself and read it through again, and see how you feel after doing that.