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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if my mum wants to visit me she should make her own way here?

64 replies

MsNoakes · 18/05/2014 19:44

Basically my mum keeps saying that she wants to visit me as she's not been to my house for ages. What does my head in though is that if we arrange for her to visit, I have to drive to her house, pick her up, drive her here for an hour and then drive her back again. I know people will be thinking "she's your mum, don't be mean!" but hear me out -

She's a fit and healthy, able bodied 60 year old who thinks nothing of hopping on the bus to visit other family members, go to her art class, go shopping in the city centre, go on day trips away with the social club - yet she can't hop on a bus to see me??

I work full time, she doesn't work at all. She has so much more time than me to do things and on a weekend her husband is home and they drive to the shops, go visiting family members, car boot sales etc but never, ever come and visit me. I have to do all the chasing and running about EVERY time. I'm only a bus ride away like the rest of the family but I have to pick her up and take her home everytime!

So last week she was saying she's not been to my house for ages. I said "well I'm working Monday night so you can come down during the day if you want?" she said yes, she will do. Now she knows I was working on the night, a 12 hour shift, I assumed she'd at least make her own way here baring that in mind. She's just called "what time are you picking me up tomorrow oh and can you take (fit and healthy, able bodied but bloody lazy sister) into town before you drop me back at home so she can sign on at job centre?"

Really???! AIBU?? It pisses me off that she can't just get the bus here like she does everywhere else but to ask me to take my 20 year old sister to sign on before I go to work so she doesn't have to get the bus takes the piss somewhat?! Added on to this - I was invited to my sisters birthday lunch in town next friday, I'm now uninvited as my mums husband is off work that day and they want it to just be the 3 of them. Am I a fucking mug or what?

OP posts:
diddl · 18/05/2014 19:50

If she wants to see you and is able to get to you then she should IMO.
Did you tell her no then?

TheDudess · 18/05/2014 19:51

YANBU

That's just weird

Lilaclily · 18/05/2014 19:52

I was invited to my sisters birthday lunch in town next friday, I'm now uninvited as my mums husband is off work that day and they want it to just be the 3 of them

that's shocking

how mean

Hassled · 18/05/2014 19:55

Just don't do it. I take it we're talking about tomorrow now - she's expecting you to arrive to collect her tomorrow? Just text and say it doesn't work for you and that she should let you know when she's able to make her own way over. And then wait it out - it will be a battle of wills, but stick it out.

The lunch thing is just so mean - they're not treating you fairly, and they must know it.

ENormaSnob · 18/05/2014 19:56

You are a mug if you go along with this shit.

diddl · 18/05/2014 19:57

Tell the lot of them to piss off and stop using you as a taxi service.
They don't want you at your sister's birthday lunch?
Nasty fuckers!

Original poster
MsNoakes · 18/05/2014 19:57

I've told her I'm not taking my sister into town, I said I'm at work for a night shift from 6.30pm! she can get the bus. My mums reply was "oh, ok but as long as you can get us home for 2pm then so she has time to then catch a bus."

So not only am I now expected to get up early to go and pick them up on the day that I have a bloody night shift to look forward to, I then have to race them home early so she can catch a bus. I mean, am I going nuts? why can't she get the bus from here??? it makes no sense!

Oh and apparently I'm "uninvited" at all but Mark is off work and we'll be shooting off straight afterwards so it's upto you if you want to bother or not? we won't be offended if you don't come .... " tell you what mum, I'll not come eh? Hmm "

OP posts:
Lilaclily · 18/05/2014 19:59

you need to say you will be doing no lifts at all
if you're driving to pick her up why don't you just drive to hers for a cuppa?

diddl · 18/05/2014 20:03

So your sister is coming too?
Just go there!

Original poster
MsNoakes · 18/05/2014 20:07

well just going there for a cuppa would be the easiest option for me but my mum wants a day out Hmm

And my sister is permanently attached to my mother so yeah, she'll be coming too.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 18/05/2014 20:07

Why do you keep saying you "have" to drive her? Just say no.

Fairylea · 18/05/2014 20:08

Your mum is ridiculous. You need to say no you're not driving. Maybe your car could suddenly have something wrong with it so she has to get the bus and then perhaps she'll realise it isn't so awful to get to yours that way? It's selfish of her to expect you to always drive.

Having said that I do sympathise because my husbands family is exactly the same. They live 18 miles away and there is a train they can get to us but they won't. They expect us to visit them all the time and if they want to visit us we have to drive them there and back. I put my foot down and said we weren't doing it anymore and we haven't seen them since Christmas!

Original poster
MsNoakes · 18/05/2014 20:14

When I hinted that due to my impending night shift I didn't want to be driving about all over the place she said "oh that's ok, you don't have to." I thought "really??" and then she added "we just won't come."

Great, thanks.

My birthday was last week and my mum (bless her - through gritted teeth) said she was treating me to my lunch. She then informed me to get to her house for around 10ish and pick grandma up on the way as she fancies a day out and then make sure grandma is home for 2pm and then come back for a cuppa." Hectic bloody birthday!

Don't get me wrong, I don't like slagging her off, she bought me dinner, gave me £50 birthday money which was most appreciated but she just makes NO physical effort when it comes to me. And I just don't have the energy anymore.

Another favourite gripe of hers is "oh you've phoned me! wow was starting to forget what you sounded like! you never phone me anymore!" (and then I point out that she literally NEVER phones me and she adds "oh ... errr .... no I don't phone you do I ... but to be fair I never know if you might be at work? that's why I don't bother."

Here's a clue - if I don't answer the phone, I'm out. If I answer it, I'm in. Not calling at all means you'll never know!!

OP posts:
Hassled · 18/05/2014 20:30

Oh please just don't do it.

If you don't change something, this will carry on forever. Just say you can't do it but can she get herself to yours on X Day and you'll see her then. You have to take back some control here.

RahRahRasputin · 18/05/2014 20:37

Would it really be so bad if they didn't visit?! They don't sound like they really add much to your life.

If I were in your situation I'd tell them that I would not be picking them up, suggest they get the bus and then if they refused I would just say OK then, see you another time. I would repeat this every time they wanted to visit, until they made some effort.

Is there any vaguely acceptable reason for her treating you this way? Are the buses that come to your house from a different company and she has a pass for the other company or something?!

Please don't let them push you around. You don't owe them anything.

CaptainTripps · 18/05/2014 20:51

You just have to be honest and tell her how you feel. How much you want to see her but you cannot be used as a taxi service in this way. How exhausting it is. No need to make up fibs about the car. Just be straight up honest.

Purplepoodle · 18/05/2014 22:20

Start making very clear plans. Tell her you love her to come down but she needs to get the bus as you are on night shift. If she says she won't come just reply 'ok, that's your choice mum'.

Start being a bit assertive. Keep reiterating you would love to see her but she needs to get the bus.

Icimoi · 18/05/2014 22:26

Expecting you to spend four hours driving her around between night shifts is just insane. I can't think why she's even think that was reasonable.

EBearhug · 18/05/2014 22:27

I think I'd probably just say something about which buses she should get and be assertive about not driving her around, as purplepoodle says.

oohdaddypig · 18/05/2014 22:29

Does your mum drive? Sometimes I think non drivers don't understand how tiring - and annoying - it can be driving everyone around.

If I'm reading the thread correctly, your mum lives a drive of one hour away. So for the days you pick her up and drop her home again, it's 4 hours drive for you - and often after you do night shifts?

Totally taking the piss. I think they are in a pattern of taking advantage of you and they need reeducating.

I don't drink so my entire family think its fine that on nights out they can get totally drunk and then when they are ready, I will drive them all home again. I share your annoyance!

Igggi · 18/05/2014 22:33

If she doesn't visit I think it would be a blessing.

whattimeisitanyway · 18/05/2014 22:38

Please don't do it! You need to get some sleep between night shifts not chasing around after this lazy pair!

BackforGood · 18/05/2014 22:39

She is being very entitled, but you are enabling it by doing it!
Just say you aren't going to pick her up - tell her which bus number comes to you and say you'll see her when she gets there. Perhaps alternate by going to her house next time (but staying there - not fetching and returning)

Squitten · 18/05/2014 22:44

You reply saying "Ok, maybe another time"

You're making your own life difficult by pandering to it you know. Why on earth do you do it?!

FunkyBoldRibena · 18/05/2014 22:50

That's not on.

But nothing is going to change is it OP?

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