To think that if my mum wants to visit me she should make her own way here?

[MsNoakes]

Basically my mum keeps saying that she wants to visit me as she's not been to my house for ages. What does my head in though is that if we arrange for her to visit, I have to drive to her house, pick her up, drive her here for an hour and then drive her back again. I know people will be thinking "she's your mum, don't be mean!" but hear me out -

She's a fit and healthy, able bodied 60 year old who thinks nothing of hopping on the bus to visit other family members, go to her art class, go shopping in the city centre, go on day trips away with the social club - yet she can't hop on a bus to see me??

I work full time, she doesn't work at all. She has so much more time than me to do things and on a weekend her husband is home and they drive to the shops, go visiting family members, car boot sales etc but never, ever come and visit me. I have to do all the chasing and running about EVERY time. I'm only a bus ride away like the rest of the family but I have to pick her up and take her home everytime!

So last week she was saying she's not been to my house for ages. I said "well I'm working Monday night so you can come down during the day if you want?" she said yes, she will do. Now she knows I was working on the night, a 12 hour shift, I assumed she'd at least make her own way here baring that in mind. She's just called "what time are you picking me up tomorrow oh and can you take (fit and healthy, able bodied but bloody lazy sister) into town before you drop me back at home so she can sign on at job centre?"

Really???! AIBU?? It pisses me off that she can't just get the bus here like she does everywhere else but to ask me to take my 20 year old sister to sign on before I go to work so she doesn't have to get the bus takes the piss somewhat?! Added on to this - I was invited to my sisters birthday lunch in town next friday, I'm now uninvited as my mums husband is off work that day and they want it to just be the 3 of them. Am I a fucking mug or what?

We don't drive and we don't expect people to drive us round.

In fact IL going on about how we could drive them all over UK is one reason driving hasn't appealed enough to sort out yet.

When DC were small IL did want us to visit them - but I put my foot down as it was easier for them to travel to us. I pointed out when they get really old it will be us doing the travelling so for a few years they could indulge us. Now DC older and out of pushcahirs we share the traveling equally.

YANBU - they don't seem to be thinking about you at all. Be blunt and point this out.

Having said that I realise I was doing all running around with my siblings - I stopped and haven’t heard from them in years and they have made no effort to see our DC which sometime leaves me sad – still they know where we are.

Well it was nice of her to give you £50 for your birthday - but out of interest, how much have you spent in the last year on extra petrol ? And does she/your sister/anyone else reimburse you for that?

I think you need to stop hinting. If she doesn't bring herself she can't come.

You need to put your foot down, I know we don't want to fall out with family but also don't want them walking all over us.
My mil moans that we don't go and visit her but she never comes here either and my mum always expects us to go to hers if its one of the kids birthdays.
Tell her you have a job and if you are working nights you can't be expected to be running around all day

Just say no. Don't do it and then moan about it! You have a choice here.

No humpty favours should be done out of love not obligation. But surely you would be grateful for the sacrifices your parents made and you would want to go out of your way for them.

She probably thinks that, as you have a car, and you are her daughter, and she has no car, that you might be happy to pick her up, which is a lot easier than getting a bus. If I had a car sitting on my drive I would offer a lift, not expect my mum to get a bus.

Even though it's hard for you to admit it, since they're your family, I think you need to disengage from these people. If your mum sees you as no more than a taxi and source of tea, then you need to be very unavailable, from now on.

Could it be that while local bus journeys are manageable, your mother, though a sprightly 60 year old, is daunted by a longer journey on her own?

Oy, what's this perception that 60 year olds are so feeble that they will be daunted by bus journeys outside their local area? As a 62 year old who manages to dodder round with a full time job, regular commuting and travel all over the country, I'm really not too impressed.

ouryve ' disengage from these people'! Just because she wants a lift!? It's her mum!!!

icimoi good for you, but I'm nervous about bus journeys and I'm in my late thirties!

What rubbish from your family, OP. I'm a decrepit, arthritic, ancient old hag well into my seventies ... but I cheerfully manage a three hour each way journey on bus/train/more bus to see my beloved son, DIL and grandkids. Your mother, sister, are taking the piss. Sorry to be harsh, but really ...

Have you actually asked her why she doesn't want to get the bus?

If she doesn't want to get the bus, she could be driven over at a weekend when her car-driving husband is around.

Only do the driving if you really want to, not because you are being pressurised into it. So do it at your convenience or not at all.