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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that if my mum wants to visit me she should make her own way here?

64 replies

MsNoakes · 18/05/2014 19:44

Basically my mum keeps saying that she wants to visit me as she's not been to my house for ages. What does my head in though is that if we arrange for her to visit, I have to drive to her house, pick her up, drive her here for an hour and then drive her back again. I know people will be thinking "she's your mum, don't be mean!" but hear me out -

She's a fit and healthy, able bodied 60 year old who thinks nothing of hopping on the bus to visit other family members, go to her art class, go shopping in the city centre, go on day trips away with the social club - yet she can't hop on a bus to see me??

I work full time, she doesn't work at all. She has so much more time than me to do things and on a weekend her husband is home and they drive to the shops, go visiting family members, car boot sales etc but never, ever come and visit me. I have to do all the chasing and running about EVERY time. I'm only a bus ride away like the rest of the family but I have to pick her up and take her home everytime!

So last week she was saying she's not been to my house for ages. I said "well I'm working Monday night so you can come down during the day if you want?" she said yes, she will do. Now she knows I was working on the night, a 12 hour shift, I assumed she'd at least make her own way here baring that in mind. She's just called "what time are you picking me up tomorrow oh and can you take (fit and healthy, able bodied but bloody lazy sister) into town before you drop me back at home so she can sign on at job centre?"

Really???! AIBU?? It pisses me off that she can't just get the bus here like she does everywhere else but to ask me to take my 20 year old sister to sign on before I go to work so she doesn't have to get the bus takes the piss somewhat?! Added on to this - I was invited to my sisters birthday lunch in town next friday, I'm now uninvited as my mums husband is off work that day and they want it to just be the 3 of them. Am I a fucking mug or what?

OP posts:

barneychuckles · 18/05/2014 22:52

You teach people how you want to be treated. Not very well in this case...

tattychicken · 18/05/2014 23:04

What's your relationship like with her husband?

MintyChops · 18/05/2014 23:19

By continuing to do this you are sending her the message that her request is reasonable. Stop it.

mimishimmi · 19/05/2014 01:02

It's not on and it will get a lot worse as she gets older if she thinks she can get away with it. Tell her to catch a taxi if she's uncomfortable with the bus and refuse to pick her up. My Grandfather was dropping lots of similar hints about an eye appointment he has coming up (which I can't possibly take him to as it's during the week and he lives over an hour away from me). I suggested he take a taxi and he revealed "Oh someone from community aid will take me. But it's not fair on them to expect them to be ambulance drivers". Asked what he meant and he groaned "for when I collapse after the appointment". Seriously Pa? These are eye injections he's been getting for over five years and according to him, he's been going to cark it for the past 20 years. You have to block it out and let them manage (which they do!). As soon as you give an inch, they'll try to take the mile.

IfISpellItWrongIsThatOk · 19/05/2014 01:36

I disagree , a one hour drive is a lot longer on a bus. And this is your mum I assume she made many sacrifices for you when you were a child.

MadonnaKebab · 19/05/2014 02:11

I'm going to make a guess & say that DM & DSis have never driven
A ( small but stubborn) minority of non-drivers seem convinced that driving costs nothing in terms of time, effort or petrol money
I think they somehow believe the lift commences when they get in the car and ends when they are dropped off, completely ignoring the extra round trip you have before & after

AngelBaker · 19/05/2014 02:29

If you've always done it she probably just assumes it's not a problem. Completely different situation but I had this problem with my best friend when I first passed my test, she passed before me but we lived half an hour away from each other. She didn't really like driving and when I'd first passed I was really happy to drive everywhere,but it just never stopped, about 6 months later I explained I couldn't afford it any more and it was tiring abs she was just really shocked I hadn't said. She just assumed I was happy to do it.
My OH had the same problem with his mum and had to take our son to visit his grandma who's an hour away and is perfectly able and can drive. He did so for about a year before deciding enough was enough. We've seen them once since Christmas.
A lot of people put a lot of pressure on themselves to be close to their family but sometimes that doesn't happen. Don't let it stress you out or it will ruin any possible relationsj

EurotrashGirl · 19/05/2014 02:34

Even if they are members of your family . . .

To think that if my mum wants to visit me she should make her own way here?

Loverofpeas · 19/05/2014 04:53

I think I'd play hard ball. So she's said she won't come because you won't drive her. Then just wait for her to visit you before any more visits take place at all.

Reply to her text 'but its only a bus ride for you and its too much to ask me to drive for 2/4 hours and then work the night shift'

Is it 2 or 4 hours driving in total. I'm confused.

sleepywombat · 19/05/2014 05:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sleepywombat · 19/05/2014 05:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HumptyDumptyBumpty · 19/05/2014 05:11

IfISpellIt I loathe that attitude. So, because your parents chose to make sacrifices for you when you were a child, and didn't know what they were doing, or to ask them not to, you've stored up a lifetime of 'paying it back'. Leads to massive resentment. Great basis for a relationship.

HelenHen · 19/05/2014 05:35

I think you just need to be honest... No hinting or smart remarks... Just 'sorry mom, I'd love to see you but do you think you could get the bus please? It's a lot of driving for me before work and I can't afford the petrol'

MortaIWombat · 19/05/2014 05:56

How long is the bus journey, op? Is it just one bus?

Could it be that while local bus journeys are manageable, your mother, though a sprightly 60 year old, is daunted by a longer journey on her own?

The other shit is terrible, though.

HecatePropylaea · 19/05/2014 06:55

You keep saying I have to do this, I have to do that...

You don't.

You are choosing to.

You have other options available to you.

You could say no, sorry mum, I cannot fetch you. You can come on the bus or if you don't want to, that's your choice. I can't afford to drive you. And I'm tired.

You could say no to ferrying people about.

diddl · 19/05/2014 07:01

They do seem to be using you!

So she wants to see you, but not enough to make the effort!

Buses might be a pita, but OP drives there & back, there & back!

Her mum can have a book/chat to her other daughter for the journey!

Ememem84 · 19/05/2014 07:08

Could you meet them in the middle? Or pick them up from town? Still not ideal but worth a shot?

I'd probably be inventing a really dangerous problem with my car. Or money issues so I had to sell my car (if they don't visit they're not going to know, if they do visit just move car out of sight...)

PorkPieandPickle · 19/05/2014 07:12

It takes me 20 mins to drive to my mums, but it takes her an hour on 2 buses to get here. She's 65, but very able. She absolutely insists that we share the travelling, so usually she gets the bus here and I drop her back, but sometimes I will drive both ways, sometimes she will catch the bus both ways- because she wants to see me. It's called compromise.

You just need to tell your mum the truth. You are allowing the situation to continue.

NK5BM3 · 19/05/2014 07:16

We used to have friends like that. Didn't drive, we were neighbours. So we were happy enough to drive them around when convenient.. But then it turned into a 'could you drive me to b&q I need to get something heavy...' Like what? They could do their weekly shop by bus/taxi and yet couldn't do b&q?

Anyway long story short, they moved then we moved across town and we no longer see them. You see, they wanted to come to our house (because it's bigger) but we would have to go to theirs, pick them up, and then drive them home. Dh did that for the birth of their child. Drive over to them, pick them up, drive to hospital (40min away) drive home to ours, got a call, baby was born, can you come pick the husband up (at 2/3am!!!) - which he did. Next morning, went over to drive him to hospital again.... I said they would have to get home themselves... They somehow got the hump.

Never got thanked. Saw them once in town to 'catch up' ... And then that's it....

Last we heard, they got a car... But hey. It's too far to come by ours!

Yanbu.

aquashiv · 19/05/2014 07:30

You are as mad as they are if you keep pandering to them.
Just say no.

mimishimmi · 19/05/2014 08:16

ememem84 We don't even have a car due to a prang last year and have found we can manage just fine without one (live in very urban area). What was once a twenty minute trip each way to my grandfather's area is now at least an hour. He moved by choice earlier this year to an independent living facility in the suburb right next to his family home because he wanted to be close to his accountants/doctors -all of whom are on the cusp of retiring themselves- rather than move across the country to be in a similar facility near my aunt - my mum has serious health issues of her own and my uncle lives overseas . This weekend it was a three hour roundtrip including buses due to line work. I don't mind that at all normally on days I've agreed to go but I won't be making the trips for handholding at doctor's appointments when other transport is readily available. He keeps hinting we should buy a car or take his but we know exactly why and are rather grateful we don't have one right now .

It's possible if OP didn't have a car, her mum would expect her to make the trip on buses herself. I am not one of those non-drivers who expects lifts though. We take taxis if no public transport available/convenient (still works out much cheaper)

Icelollycraving · 19/05/2014 08:28

I think if you pointed everything out,she will not see it as you do. I don't drive,I don't know how much 4 hours petrol would be,but it's half a working day. If your sister is not working,perhaps she's forgotten what it's like.
The not inviting you for lunch is not v nice :(

NearTheWindymill · 19/05/2014 08:39

OP - have you ever said no and explained why to her? My stepfather's mother was like this; her husband had driven her everywhere and when he died she expected everyone to run around after her. I just wouldn't do it. DH's mothers is getting similar and DH now always meets here from the station (the other side of big London). We tell her repeatedly to get a black cab and we will pay at this end - she will not get into the cab because "people like her dont travel in cabs".

musicalendorphins2 · 19/05/2014 08:42

OP, you can't be their taxi, you will be getting a migraine that morning and staying in bed to try and get rid of it.

upwiththelark · 19/05/2014 11:31

YANBU. But some non drivers think the driver in the family is always happy to provide a permanent taxi service for everyone else. It's very annoying and I think all able bodied, mentally fit adults should bloody learn to drive.

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