Excellent post dranksangria.
I hope you forgive me for briefly putting my doctor hat back on to try and address some of the concerns, summarised by Devere, in order that grobags doesn't feel she has to. This is based on my experience treating patients with terminal bowel and other cancers and it's various issues and not on any specific information about grobags dh other than that which is already included in this thread.
No treatment
He isn't well enough to have treatment of his cancer at the moment. Things sounds like they are slowly improving and it is probable that this is being reviewed on a regular basis. But until he improves chemotherapy and surgery could make things worse rather than better. If he is to weak these treatments could at worse kill her dh or make the time he has left more distressing with horrible side effects. Allowing time for him to become stronger will increase the chance of these treatments being effective because he will be more able to withstand the inevitable side effects.
long delays in sorting out anti sickness meds
I read the thread as lots of anti sickness meds being tried and ultimately because they weren't effective long term an infusion has started. Symptoms can wax and wane a bit which is what I read here as grobags has posted that the nausea is better, then the next post will say it's worse and then better again. This can make it harder as it will seem that a particular drug has worked so that will be tried again. In fact it may have been that it was the natural fluctuation of symptoms that is going on rather than any particular drug helping. Changes in doctors on different shifts with less continuity will make this harder to manage and this is shit but it's not going to change anytime soon.
no investigations done to find out why he is being sick despite the danger of an obstruction
I suspect that the initial scan which has shown the probable bowel cancer and any spread (which I'm presuming because this along with a biopsy that grobags has mentioned is how you would diagnose terminal cancer most likely bowel without further tests) showed that the bowel was partially or totally obstructed. He may also have had xrays to show this if the initial scan didn't show an obstruction. Even if he didn't, knowing that he has a bowel cancer you can make a clinical diagnosis of obstruction based on listening to his symptoms and examining him. This would be the most probable cause for his nausea. If he is not fit for surgery to bypass the obstruction then all you can do is manage the symptoms. So doing further scans and xrays wouldn't change what you could do for him so they wouldn't help. The only other thing that might help is an ng tube which is a fine tube passed through the nose into the stomach. This can drain off the stomach and bowel contents in a controlled manner rather than letting him vomit. This may have been tried or he might not have wanted this. If it hasn't been tried it might be worth suggesting this.
DNR for a young man without the OP understanding what was going on
Dnr is a medical decision. It is based on knowledge of the patients wishes or any advance directive but it is not a decision for relatives to have to make. In reality of course relatives and patients (if they are well enough) are involved in the decision and is extremely rare that there is any disagreement. I've never seen it in my career. I do agree that it's not great that the decision was made in such a way that grobags felt was a blur but she actually clarified in a later post that she did understand some of the reasoning. It is very very common that being given shocking news, like terminal aggressive cancer, means you black anything else that you are told. I'm sure many of you can sadly relate to this. So it might actually be that a very detailed discussion was had but grobags can't recall it. Equally it might be that her doctors were crap at communicating this very difficult decision. It may be something between both those. Regardless we're a couple of weeks on now. It would be helpful for grobags to know she can continue to ask as much as she needs about every single decision however small.
The OP sleeping on chairs despite being heavily pregnant
This is indeed shit. However wards aren't set up for relatives to stay and it may be that they just didn't have any alternative.
A drain that needs removing but isn't
Again on the face of it this is shit. Grobags later clarified that it needed to stay for now so less shit. And it is probable that they needed a doctor to make the decision on removing it rather than actually removing it as a many of you have commented drains are usually removed by a nurse.
The OP being in charge of his diet without support
I don't see this. He has been prescribed high calorie supplements. These are usually, but not always, under the guidance of a dietician. And either way have to be prescribed by a doctor. So this won't be without guidance.
Now he is aspirating which is incredibly dangerous in someone who is not able to get around.
Agree this is a potentially dangerous situation. And a possible consequence of vomiting with a bowel obstruction in a patient who is already weak. Good control of his vomiting, nursing in a semi upright position and possibly an ng tube as I described earlier could help reduce the risk of this. He may be having all of these to try and reduce the risk. If not these are things grobags can suggest if she wishes. Unfortunately it is just not possible on a regular NHS ward to have the one to one nursing to enable them to help him and reduce the risk of this each time he vomits bit the above measures should reduce the risks of him aspirating.
FGS the OP is about to have a baby and she is having to take her husband to the toilet and he can barely walk
He might have a toilet in with him. She might be using a chair to help him. She is already with him because she is concerned and doesn't feel able to leave him. Would any of you really call a nurse to help your dh with the toilet /his food /washing /cleaning his teeth and not help yourself? I wouldn't think badly of you if you did by the way as that is part of the nursing job but a lot of people would prefer to do these things themselves for a loved one and a lot of patients would prefer these intimate tasks to be done by someone they know rather than a stranger. If she is having to do these things because of lack of help that is shit. I'm sure a lot of people wait for help like this because nurses are so very overstretched. If this is the case then it would be worthy of a complaint and actually this will only change if enough people complain. But it's a different thing to choose to do this.
I'd like to clarify that I don't think grobags needs to stay all the time. Other family members could stay or there are always staff, even if they are overstretched. But I think it's entirely understandable that she wants to. It's probably worth thinking of other alternatives and trying to get home for some proper rest and time with her dd because this probably isn't sustainable longterm. But that is going to be a very personal decision for her and I can't imagine an easy one. And one that others in simular situations not manage differently because that is right for them.
It's probable that we're not getting the whole picture on this thread. Grobag's priority is I'm sure spending time with her dh. She is distressed, upset and sleep deprived. She probably can't remember what she has posted and what she hasn't. Encouraging her to question and advocating for her dh is very important. Encouraging her to look after herself so she is best placed to do this is also important. Nit picking of medical decisions less so.
Grobags please don't feel you have to update the thread with personal medical information. You don't. If it is helpful to continue to post then I'm here for you and I'm sure so is everyone else.
Well that was a mammoth post and I'm sure I've cross posted with loads of you. Thinking of you today grobags, as someone said it's the beginning of another week and hopefully the one where your dh is fit enough for cancer treatment...