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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my DH to send this text?

58 replies

TruJay · 17/05/2014 20:12

So my husband recently told me his boss is having an affair and that he talks about it regularly at work.

DH has just received a text from his boss asking him to send a message inviting him out for a drink ending it with "thanks I'll owe you one". Obviously so that he can go meet his other woman.

I have said I will not be happy if DH sends this text as it's f***g disgusting and morally wrong! He says he agrees but doesn't want his boss being arsey with him on Monday.

Now I understand that but in my opinion his boss shouldn't even be discussing his dirty little secret with his colleagues let alone asking them to provide him with a bloody alibi!

And why my DH? There is a team of 7, some of which have also joined in on the discussion of affairs, sharing there own shitty tales of what they've done behind their wives back. Why doesn't he ask one of them?
If I am ever in this situation, to find out a colleague of my DH did this to cover his back I would feel sodding humiliated!

I really don't think I'm BU, WWYD??

OP posts:

gratefulforwhatihavegot · 17/05/2014 20:13

Tell him to ignore and then say his phone died and he couldn't find the charger?

EnchanciaAnthem · 17/05/2014 20:14

That's horrendous! How unprofessional of the boss! I'd feel example the same YANBU at all!

ThreeLannistersOneTargaryen · 17/05/2014 20:14

Unfortunately your DH had his phone turned off this evening, so he didn't receive the message from his boss until it was too late for him to abandon his moral principles help.

nannynoss · 17/05/2014 20:14

Can you tell your DH to ignore the text until the morning, and he just pretend he didn't get the text till too late?! Then he's not getting involved and won't have boss being shitty with him on Monday.

MissOtisRegretsMadam · 17/05/2014 20:18

Don't say it's turned off cos my iPhone tells me if it's being delivered and read by the person! Tell him it was left on charge and you went out and didn't see it!

Sirzy · 17/05/2014 20:19

Yanbu, if his boss wants to be a wanker that's his choice but he shouldn't involve anyone else

GayByrne · 17/05/2014 20:20

Tell him to man up and not shirk this.

If he replies "no fucking chance!!" then his boss will yes be cross that he's not going to help him out but he will respect him (albeit begrudgingly) for not doing it. And, he won't ask him again...

Yama · 17/05/2014 20:22

He should just ignore it and pretend it was never sent.

Boss surely won't question his lack of response.

Yama · 17/05/2014 20:24

Your dh doesn't need an excuse to do the right thing so no lying about not seeing the text until it was too late.

ilovecolinfirth · 17/05/2014 20:25

If he pretends he's not read it, or his battery has died, it will solve the problem for now, but he'll more than likely get asked to do it again. He needs to be firm with his boss.

whatever5 · 17/05/2014 20:25

YANBU. He could tell his boss that he was out and didn't read the text until morning. His boss probably won't believe him but hopefully won't dare be arsey with him on Monday.

He should keep the text in case there is any trouble in the future.

upsondowns · 17/05/2014 20:27

I wouldn't bother replying. The boss may have texted loads of people to get a response.

whatever5 · 17/05/2014 20:27

He might not get asked to do it again if his boss thinks that he doesn't read his texts very promptly.

Your DH is being put in a very difficult position. I don't know what kind of company he works for but I'm sure that a lot of places would sack managers who do this sort of thing.

RiverTam · 17/05/2014 20:30

ignore it, he can say he didn't get the message until the morning, and whilst he's at it, he can also say he would rather not be involved in this subterfuge.

I am very surprised that his boss would do this, he is involving an empolyee in a private matter of a dubious nature. Have there been any other problems with this man?

WooWooOwl · 17/05/2014 20:30

His boss is well out of order, and he's put your DH in a horrible position. It's incredibly unprofessional and just plain mean of him to put a someone he manages into a situation where he's pressured to do something morally wrong. Even if the two of them are very friendly.

I think you have to let your DH make the right decision for him, he is likely to know better than anyone else dynamics between himself and his boss and what the consequences might be for him at work if he doesn't do it.

If your DH does do it, I'd encourage him to tell his boss that he doesn't want to be put in that position again so could he please not be asked.

ADishBestEatenCold · 17/05/2014 20:31

If he doesn't feel that he can stand up to his boss by refusing (and if this is the case he should, perhaps at a later stage, have a long hard think about whether he is being intimidated or bullied at work) could he simply reply to his boss's text saying "my wife saw your text, so perhaps it would be better if you kept a low profile by asking someone else."

softlysoftly · 17/05/2014 20:32

I'd wait until the morning then text back "sorry mate didn't get your excuse text until this morning. Hope you managed to get out the house! "

Then pray the wife gets his phone.

But then I'm a bitch.

Finola1step · 17/05/2014 20:33

Ignore it.

Koothrapanties · 17/05/2014 20:33

What does your dh think?

I think this is completely wrong, and I hope your dh isn't such a people pleaser that he feels he has to do it. Ugh, nasty little man.

pluCaChange · 17/05/2014 20:33

What if he tells the boss his DW (you, that is) picked up the message? You did, in a way (though through his telling you). If boss really kicks off and DH prefers not to tell him that many women have access to their OH's phone, because not every man is a cheating shit, he could say he (DH) was driving, or had his hands covered in raw meat for a grill.

The implications will be clear for him: his secret could get out, fast, and he shouldn't be fooled by his dominance in the office; his power means nothing in his employees' private lives.

ormirian · 17/05/2014 20:34

Report to HR? Affair is one thing And nothing to do with employer but using a professional relationship to coerce an employee into getting involved is extremely dodgy IMO.

Koothrapanties · 17/05/2014 20:34

Oh sorry I should read the op properly. Ignore my question. My only excuse is I'm very tired.

Original poster

TruJay · 17/05/2014 20:35

I've just said i really wouldn't be happy with DH if he sends it, it got me really mad actually! Which might be a bit extreme of a reaction but god his poor wife, what a bastard!

he hasn't text anything back as of yet. I just don't want DH involved. Boss is such a nice guy (obviously not). He just needs to keep his business just that, HIS business!

i feeling like texting back myself to be honest!

OP posts:

Whitewaters · 17/05/2014 20:36

YANBU at all. Your husband shouldn't get involved. I agree with PP - your husband's phone died/didn't have reception/was switched off/was in another room/he was somewhere he couldn't read his messages (cinema, dinner)/ the message got lost in the ether. To be honest if my boss sent me a text over the weekend I'd ignore it until Monday, and my boss wouldn't be involving me in this sort of thing!

Anything, but don't get involved. If this all comes out in a messy way it probably won't look good for your DH if he was helping his boss in the deception.

He can always send a message later or tomorrow just saying 'only just saw your text - was out for dinner' or whatever. Hopefully that
will give the boss the message that your DH does not want to get involved without your DH having to be so explicit.

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 17/05/2014 20:37

What about sorry mate DW got hold of my phone first. Wanted to know who the OW is so she can tell your DW.
Deleted the text !!!!

That should put the fear of God into him--or maybe not if he is being so blatent

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