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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my DH to send this text?

58 replies

TruJay · 17/05/2014 20:12

So my husband recently told me his boss is having an affair and that he talks about it regularly at work.

DH has just received a text from his boss asking him to send a message inviting him out for a drink ending it with "thanks I'll owe you one". Obviously so that he can go meet his other woman.

I have said I will not be happy if DH sends this text as it's f***g disgusting and morally wrong! He says he agrees but doesn't want his boss being arsey with him on Monday.

Now I understand that but in my opinion his boss shouldn't even be discussing his dirty little secret with his colleagues let alone asking them to provide him with a bloody alibi!

And why my DH? There is a team of 7, some of which have also joined in on the discussion of affairs, sharing there own shitty tales of what they've done behind their wives back. Why doesn't he ask one of them?
If I am ever in this situation, to find out a colleague of my DH did this to cover his back I would feel sodding humiliated!

I really don't think I'm BU, WWYD??

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 17/05/2014 20:40

ADishBestEatenCold's suggestion is a good one for your DH.

Itsfab · 17/05/2014 20:45

Don't lie and say you didn't see the text, etc . I would ignore and let HIM being it up and then your DH needs to tell him to leave him out of his dicking about. Then I'd tell his wife.

Original poster

TruJay · 17/05/2014 20:46

Wow a lot more messages while i wrote that last response.

normally he's a lovely guy no issues at all. I'm actually aghast he's doing it!

I did get the message first as i use DH phone to mumsnet while putting DD to bed (breast feeding) as he has unlimited data and i don't. And DH phone is one where the text comes up and u get to read the first couple sentences without opening it if u get me so i could see what it said. No issues regarding our phone sharing in our house. I put DD to bed and came down and said to DH you'll never guess what Boss has sent u!
DH has said he too thinks its disgusting and doesn't want to do it. So I've just said tell him i saw message first which is true anyway and that i went mad at boss for even asking and DH if he accepted to do it!

OP posts:

Pumpkinpositive · 17/05/2014 20:52

I have an iPhone 4 and if texting other iPhone users usually get a message first saying the text has been "delivered", and then another one when it's been "read".

I hope your husband doesn't have one.

UncleT · 17/05/2014 20:56

YANBU. This is disgusting, and your DH shouldn't even be considering involving himself in this deception. I also agree with other posters who say no excuses - just tell the boss where to go in no uncertain terms (and keep the message in case it's needed one say - such as if the bastard tries to sack him or something stupid like that).

PigletJohn · 17/05/2014 20:58

no need to lie.

IMO he can say "Sorry, but as a married man myself, this isn't something I can help you with."

Boss might or might not think him a prude but is unlikely to ask again. If he does, omit "sorry."

Original poster

TruJay · 17/05/2014 21:04

Thank you for all your responses, i really didn't think i was BU towards this.

He doesn't have an iphone pumpkin but even so I've told him now that if it is brought up on Monday and for instance if boss says "oh cheers for replying Sat night Mate!!!"
I've told DH to not hesitate and go straight back with "could say same to u, TruJay had phone while putting DD to bed and went mad. She wanted to text u back telling u exactly what she would do to u is she was your wife! her crazy ass reaction also made me realise to never have an affair as i value my life too much

OP posts:

CoffeeTea103 · 17/05/2014 21:07

Yanbu what a horrible man. Feel so sorry for his wife. I would save this message in case his boss decides to get all funny with your DH for not being his cover up.

lucidlady · 17/05/2014 21:16

You can turn off the "read" notification on iPhones.

Original poster

TruJay · 17/05/2014 21:20

You can lucid I've turned mine off. I always read a text and then one of the DC will need something so i never get to reply promptly half the time. But also great for ignoring folk too

OP posts:

CundtBake · 17/05/2014 21:35

No reply or excuse is necessary. And using you as a get out only makes your DH look as much of a dick as his boss.

If boss dares to bring it up on Monday, he can tell him the truth. That he didn't feel comfortable doing that.

I can't believe how unprofessional this man is! Is it the kind of company that DH has somebody to complain to? Really not on

Original poster

TruJay · 17/05/2014 21:45

cundt completely see what you're saying but its not an excuse, i did actually see the text first and go mad at boss and expressed my anger at DH if he even thought about replying.

DH will also say he is not comfortable being boss's get out of jail free card aswell as i agree with u all that boss needs to know DH will not be involved in this now or at a later date.

OP posts:

Original poster

TruJay · 17/05/2014 21:49

And yes, he works for a company that is probably one of the biggest in the country and will most definitely have a complaints procedure. Not a route we feel necessary though but i agree it cannot be left to lye and something does need to be said.

OP posts:

Whitewaters · 17/05/2014 22:02

Just wanted to add, the only reason I suggested lying rather than your husband telling him how he actually felt was because it's his boss and that may have made things awkward for your DH, and caused hassle at work he didn't want to deal with. If it was a friend, I'd have said definitely just say no and tell him why!

Obviously you and DH know his company and what things are like there so if he can be honest and say he's not comfortable with it etc then he should!

TheBallerina · 17/05/2014 22:16

What a wanky boss.

He sounds totally unprofessional. Do they socialise out of work?
Seems like an odd request from an employer.

Original poster

TruJay · 17/05/2014 22:19

Exactly whitewaters those are our thoughts exactly. Without a second thought he would tell a friend straight its just trickier with it being work, he doesn't want to rock the boat so to speak.

its awful trying to think of a way to 'save his own ass' when he shouldn't have even been involved in the first place!

OP posts:

Original poster

TruJay · 17/05/2014 22:23

No socialising out of work. DH has been on 2 Xmas dos while at this workplace and boss only attended one of those. They text while out of work regarding footy scores etc, just general stuff

OP posts:

silverhyina · 17/05/2014 22:27

You shouldn't get mad at you're husband if he does cover for his boss he knows it's wrong but he might feel cornered and worried about his job

UncleT · 18/05/2014 05:10

Yes silver she should. There's no excuse for being complicit in that sort of thing. If someone was literally going to hold a gun to his head then maybe you'd have a point, but one wanker boss working in a large national company who presumes that people will just do this for him is no basis for such behaviour.

Original poster

TruJay · 18/05/2014 10:59

silver without sounding rude i think i have every right to get mad at him regarding this as i think it says a lot about him as a person if he were to send the text.

i agree uncleT if he had absolutely no choice in the matter (gun to head) its different.

if he had sent the text i would have looked at him differently, rightly or wrongly in others opinions i know i would have done!

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 18/05/2014 11:04

Sympathies to you. I once had a boss who couldn't keep his cock out of the workplace (forever either having affairs with colleagues or bringing his latest OW into the workplace and giving her a job). It was grim in the extreme.

CarbeDiem · 18/05/2014 11:11

Yanbu

But I don't understand why the boss thinks it's ok to ask that of your dh - it could, of course, be that he text a few guys at the same time but the cynical part of me wonders if maybe your dh has been encouraging him and obviously not telling you that.

Original poster

TruJay · 18/05/2014 13:47

CarbeDiem definitely not something he would encourage.

i think he chose my DH as he is the youngest there and more likely to be the one out drinking so therefore it being a more believable story to tell his DW.

OP posts:

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 18/05/2014 13:58

Ah, if he's the youngest in the team much becomes clear.

Your DH is being groomed for other shenanigans. This episode is to test his brownnosing. Safe enough in theory, even if it's repugnant. Next will come a request to cover up a minor lapse: being out of the office, or misusing logins. Then something bigger, attracting a misconduct. And then...

Oldraver · 18/05/2014 14:08

TruJay has you DH said how he responds when his boss is bragging about his affair ? You say some have joined in with their tales of cheating and if you DH has just nodded and kept his head down I assume his boss thinks he is ok with it.

I think the time may of come for your DH to let his boss know his feelings on the subject or it could escalate

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