Birthday v hen party

[Gerrygiraffe]

It is DD's 9th birthday in the summer on the same weekend as the proposed date for a friend's hen party which will be a weekend away. I would miss both a family celebration and her party.

I have known my friend a LONG time but not so close recently. I have said I can't go to hen do but she and a couple of others have said I should be prepared to miss DD's birthday as the hen is more important as birthdays happen every year etc.

What do others think? AIBU?

I would not miss my DC's birthday for a hen do.

YANBU

YANBU, if only because it is not up to her to dictate what you do. It is an invitation, not a Royal Command.

I don't think YABU at all. It's your choice and presumably you could go out for a drink with the hen another time if she was really that bothered. Do the people saying this have children? If not they probably just genuinely don't realise what a big deal it is. I'd be the same as you and miss the hen do for dc's birthdays.

Sorry, complicated way of saying YANBU...I've been up since 5.30 and brain not engaged!

YAnbu at all!

Are you going to your friend's wedding? That's the "proper" celebration.

No i wouldnt miss my dc's birthday for hen do. Saying that as someone who is going to one this weekend. TBH hen do'd and stag do's are getting a bit out of control these days and seem more important than the wedding to some people.

May not be able to go to wedding as it's no children. I may have to have a friend as a plus one and leave DH at home. Trying to sort that at the moment.

Although we have been friends for a long time we don't have many friends in common so don't want to go totally alone.

They actually said you "should be prepared to miss DD's birthday as the hen is more important as birthdays happen every year etc." ???? Really?! I'm not all that shocked or outraged a bride to be would feel that way, but I'm pretty taken aback that it would've been vocalised so directly.

I could just about imagine a scenario in my own social circles whereby a bride or hen organiser might quietly take this view, have a private moan and try and convince you to come along in some capacity, perhaps a compromised just-come-on-day-2. But to actually tell you what your priorities ought to be is socially inept of them.

Or was it just intimated? If it really was put to you in such black and white terms then sod them.

Depends on how good friends you are. I would have the birthday party a week early for some friends and for others I would use it as an excuse.

I got out of a five dayer in Ibiza recently and then the wedding was cancelled. It now appears I would have been expected to go on the hen do anyway. What's wrong with people!

What a self entitled cow your friend is - I can only guess they don't have DCs

No way in hell would I miss ANY of my DDs birthdays for this reason & if this bridezilla & her cronies don't understand that, then they are not your friends

Tell them to swivell

YADDDDNBU

Yanbu! I remember my DF missing my birthday one year for work when I was around that age & it was the end of the world for me. I'd never miss my DD's birthday as a result.
However how does your DD feel about birthdays usually? If she isn't too bothered maybe she won't mind celebrating late or early?
Alternatively could you & your friend have a night out just the two of you another time?

DC every time.

I wouldn't miss DS's birthday for a hen do, particularly if he was only 9 at the time.

You can do what you want as you are an adult and in charge of your own destiny.

Your own child's birthday trumps hen do

YANBU. If your DD was a baby, then I'd personally go to a hen do because she's not going to know and you could easily make up another time- plus hey've got goldfish memories at that age. But your DD is more than old enough to know plus your friend would of known her birthday date too if she and you were that good friends so yadnbu.

If you aren't close that much any more then that just hammers the final nail home. Your friend should accept you can't come, she and her friends shouldn't tell you what to do. If it was the wedding she was upset you couldn't come to then that would be understandable, but a hen do- no.

Yanbu. My dc's birthday would take precedence over a hen do, regardless of whose it was.

Decline both invites.

Who is more important to you? Your daughter or your friend? Your answer here will give you my answer to your question.

I think you have posted about this before, so you have not found a solution, and the situation is stressing you. They dont seem very nice and understanding if 1. A hen do is more important than your dds birthday, and 2. children not invited, and you are coming some distance are you not and have no childcare. If they are pressuring you and showing no understanding, they are not worth partying with, it will leave you with a bad taste in your mouth.

I declined a friend's hen do invitation as I moved house the day before which was an hour away from the hen do venue and I was knackered from moving and wanted to settle in.
She got the hump over it.

Totally self absorbed behaviour. An invitation is just that - bride to be does not own everyone's time!

I'm sorry - they actually said you should be prepared to miss your DD's birthday as they happen every year for a weekend away? They ABU just for that remark alone. Was that the bride saying that or the bridesmaids?

When did hen dos become unmissable events, rather than "optional extra" jollies?

YANBU and WNBU even if it were your sister asking.

YANBU I wouldn't miss my DC's birthdays for a hens do. I'm pretty sure none of them would ask me to either!