Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday v hen party

62 replies

Gerrygiraffe · 17/05/2014 07:22

It is DD's 9th birthday in the summer on the same weekend as the proposed date for a friend's hen party which will be a weekend away. I would miss both a family celebration and her party.

I have known my friend a LONG time but not so close recently. I have said I can't go to hen do but she and a couple of others have said I should be prepared to miss DD's birthday as the hen is more important as birthdays happen every year etc.

What do others think? AIBU?

OP posts:
MyLegIsHaunted · 17/05/2014 09:31

*None of my friends would ask me too

IwinIwin · 17/05/2014 09:44

Whenever i see these posts people always come out with bridezilla storiesin relation to it and I have to wonder, it sounds like there are quite a few people with/who had really shitty friends. Were they shitty before becoming brides-to-be or did it develop after? I have to wonder because in terms of seeing a bridezilla throw a strop over people not coming to a hen do, well I've only ever seen one do it-despite one person having flu and another becoming redundant. Quite honestly she was the most bratty little bitch going so I wasn't surprised she'd thrown toys out of her pram again. It always makes me think, was she bridezilla before she became engaged and did you just ignore or not see it? Or let her get away with it, as in the case above.

I've been to about 6-7 hen dos now and people have always been ill or had not enough money or just not been able or not wanted to come, the brides-to-be were always disappointed to not get to celebrate with their friends like old times but they never got upset or angry or raised their disappointments. I think the response was usually, don't worry about it, maybe we can do coffee/dinner/drinks afterwards and catch up instead?

SueDoku · 17/05/2014 11:36

Your DCs 9th birthday will also only happen once. End. Of.

rookiemater · 17/05/2014 12:03

YANBU.

TBH I'm not sure that either occasion trumps another. If you really had wanted to come to the hen do you could have rescheduled your DD's party, but if it were me I'd be delighted to have an excuse to miss a hen do.

Topaz25 · 17/05/2014 12:12

Birthdays happen every year but they are special for a child, whereas an adult should be able to deal with someone not coming to their party, YANBU.

cluecu · 17/05/2014 12:35

YANBU. My hen was arranged by one of my best friends and we made sure to choose a date that everyone was happy with. If someone had pointed out they had something else on then that date just wasn't an option for tje hen do.

Hen dos don't have to fall on a specific date usually and even if there's a good reason as to why that weekend has been chosen, she cannot expect you to miss your child's birthday! Angry

HuglessDouglas · 17/05/2014 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floggingmolly · 17/05/2014 12:48

Your friend is a self absorbed idiot. Don't dream of missing your dd's 9th birthday to make Bridezilla happy.

Watercolourfootballs · 17/05/2014 12:53

I would politely decline Hen Do.

JennySense · 17/05/2014 13:08

You should do what you want - too much Bridezillaness around these days.

mindthegap79 · 17/05/2014 16:47

Cheeky mare. Of course your dd's birthday is more important than a hen do, especially for such a rude, presumptuous and therefore very questionable friend...

GatoradeMeBitch · 17/05/2014 16:59

I have to say, I've only read threads on here before about stag do's clashing with a kids birthday party. And then the consensus is usually that the stag do takes priority. Has anyone else noticed that? I'm surprised the response is so different when it's a hen do.

FamiliesShareGerms · 17/05/2014 17:09

I genuinely don't understand the issue with jiggling round the family diary to try to make space for everyone. Family birthdays here get a party (sometimes, not every year) on the nearest convenient weekend and a cake and candles on the actual day. If something else important comes up, celebrations get moved to suit.

Yes, your daughter will only be nine once, but she will have other birthdays, whereas your friend will (hopefully!) only have one hen do. Even if you don't like hens, surely you can accept it is different from a regular girls night out that could happen any time?

Fair enough if you want to use it as an excuse not to go, or only go to part of it. But you should at least appreciate that your daughter's birthday isn't as important to everyone else as it is to you.

RockinHippy · 17/05/2014 17:17

I can't say I've noticed that Gator - but DH would be wearing his balls as ear muffs if he even thought about putting a stag do above DDs birthday - but then I know he never would - it has come up - the Stag changed the day so that DH could still go, but he is a good friend to DH & it's was never a problem, he'd just forgot in amongst the all the wedding hoohar.

Got to admit, if an old friend who I don't see often anymore expected me to put their Hen do above DDs birthday, especially with the sort of remarks reported by the Op - they would be told in no uncertain terms where to come back when they have DCs of their own & they realise how unreasonable they are being, & I will accept an apology & until then - sod off & have a nice lifeHmm

diddl · 17/05/2014 17:49

If the hen do is a weekend away then sia(utomatically)bu!

MaryWestmacott · 17/05/2014 17:58

Hmm, if I wasn't here for one of the DCs' birthday parties, there would be no birthday party. (DH has a lot of skills, but is a proper geek and can't do talking to people he doesn't know very well, that includes other parents and small children...)

If you were a "must have" guest for the hen do, the bride would have checked with you first which weekends you could/could not do. If she didn't, your attendance would be nice, but wasn't considered that important, so feel free to not go!

For a wedding, i might reschedule a birthday party, but not miss it all together.

MaryWestmacott · 17/05/2014 18:02

IwinIwin - my SIL was a bridezilla, however, we had heard about 'princessy' behaviour before and afterwards, she's continued to be a bit 'hard work' about a lot of things. There's lots of occasions where I've thought she is missing some a lot of social skills or understanding of basic manners. But the wedding was the first we'd seen of it because we didn't know her that well before they got married.

With someone who's an 'old friend' I'd assume you'd know what they were like before the wedding, and I am unlikely to stay friends with someone like this.

Nanny0gg · 17/05/2014 18:17

But you should at least appreciate that your daughter's birthday isn't as important to everyone else as it is to you.

And equally, they should appreciate that the OP's daughter is more important to her.

ICanSeeTheSun · 17/05/2014 18:29

My children come before anyone else.

Hell would freeze over before I missed any of thier birthdays.

GoringBit · 17/05/2014 18:54

first post

YANBU. DC's birthday (and family celebration) trump a hen do. Also, has anyone picked up on the fact that the wedding is no children? It seems to me that BZ isn't particularly child-friendly, so she might get the raging hump if you don't go - not that this is a reason to go, just something OP might want to be ready for.

Original poster
Gerrygiraffe · 17/05/2014 19:59

Thanks everyone. The bridesmaid directly said that she thought I should come and miss the birthday as it wasn't as important.

We can't move the party as it's linked to a specific event and has been booked for ages. The family are coming the day after - again all arranged.

I am definitely not going but it's possible I may have to miss the hen do and the wedding (due to the no children rule) so I feel a bit bad.

OP posts:
Dozer · 17/05/2014 20:00

Yanbu.

But ywbu to ask to take a friend as a "plus one" to the wedding if you can't find childcare and your Dh stays at home. Not easy knowing few people (or no-one), but if you really wouldn't feel OK attending alone another option is to decline. unless it's a really informal event it's not really on to request to take someone other than a boy/girlfriend, partner.

Nanny0gg · 17/05/2014 20:01

Why? They're not accommodating you (not that they should have to), and equally, you can't accommodate them.

That's life sometimes.

MaryWestmacott · 17/05/2014 20:06

OP - the bridesmaid doesn't view your DD's birthday as more important, because to her the bride is more important than your DD.

If you were important to the bride, she'd have checked which dates you could do before booking, and certainly would avoid your DC's bithdays.

Re taking a friend as a plus one - call/e-mail the bride and ask. I gave single people a 'plus one' invite so they didn't have to sit on their own. Yes, that meant there were people at my wedding I've not seen before or since, but I thought it was more important that my friends felt relaxed and enjoyed the day.

CombineBananaFister · 17/05/2014 20:22

I don't think you should feel bad OP.

I don't even think it's a case of who's BU or not at this point BUT if someone tried to guilt trip you into attending something you clearly felt torn about then that's the issue for me - the response, which is, btw, shitty for wont of a better word.

I know people without kids think people with kids disappear up their own arse when they do have them and vice-versa those with them think others just don't fucking get the logistics/importance involved.

She is supposed to be a friend, not a randomer who doesn't know your life - either try and do a date that fits in with all the people in your life who you want to be there or failing that that be polite about those who have genuine commitments.

Think this friendship may have run it's course. A friend wouldn't make you feel like this.

Swipe left for the next trending thread