To not enjoy meeting my NCT group

[Londonmummy123]

It's not that they are nasty people or anything, in fact most of them are very nice, even though you do get the odd competitive talk. They are extremely chatty and outgoing (I'm a bit more introvert) and there are constant meet ups/chat etc, a group holiday already planned for the summer, which I know sounds great. But sometimes it's a bit 'full on' if you know what I mean? I do quite enjoy attending the odd thing, but ordinarily I don't think they would be my friends if it weren't for our babies. Also, they seem to have much nicer houses(unbelievably immaculate- I can't ever seem to get mine tidy!) cars/lifestyles/time management etc and I can't help but feel a bit inadequate. I am on medication for pnd and right from the beginning I thought that there must be something wrong with me as they took the whole baby thing in their stride right from the start whereas my baby boy (now 6 months) cried the entire time and I really struggled. I kept hearing "my baby never cries he/she is so happy" etc etc. A lot of the time I find it hard to leave the house on time/ or am too flipping exhausted to do anything apart from looking after my LO. Am I just being a grumpy guts?! I get the feeling they are already starting to be cool with me for not being as commited as everyone else, which is really getting me down. Along with the fact that they are extremely chummy with each other. I know it's really important to have mum friends but I seem to spend much of the time feeling bad that I am not joining in enough X

It's only important to have mum friends if you enjoy their company! If you wouldn't be friends with them normally then what's the point?

I loved my NCT group, but there is no way on earth I'd be thinking about going on holiday with them.
Do as much as you want, maybe look at joining other groups too, stop worrying and just see where it all leads you.

I promise you that at least some of them are frantically paddling to keep their heads above water. At some point at one will say something and there will be lots of "me too".

Culturally we have a tendency to project "best time in my life/best thing that ever happened to me" about babies, but I doubt that this is a universal experience. I am astonished that people describe the day their child was born as "the best day of my life", I thought it was a fairly unpleasant day. You don't see many FB posts saying "this is both dull and exhausting, I think I might have ruined my life, what was I thinking?" But some parents do think this, though I promise that feeling does go away for (I guess) almost all parents. I thought it, and somewhere along the line it has genuinely changed into me thinking that my DD is the best thing ever.

If you don't want to spend time with your NCT group then you really aren't obliged.

I met some lovely people at baby classes. They are really easy places to meet other mums as they often follow the pattern of 30 min child focused activity, 30 min chatting with parents with a cup of tea. That means that you have a "get out" after 30 min of conversation, so it can seem more manageable. Similarly toddler groups are great because once your child is on the move, you can dip in and out of conversations as you have to retrieve your baby from wherever they have got to.

They are probably bending the truth somewhat about their perfect babies, maybe it's worth trying different groups?

If you've got PND would distancing yourself leave you feeling a bit isolated? (is it important to have mum friends? I'm not sure it is tbh)

The things you've said about them are just a matter of opinion (if I can say that without minimizing what you've said), it's that you feel they're 'better' than you somehow, and that's not necessarily how they are in reality and could be you overthinking it.

The same goes for what you think they expect from you, are you 100% sure they do judge you for not being fully on with them? If they are, isn't it good they're cooling it? The group doesn't give you the things you need at the minute and are making you feel more anxious.

I would say take what you want from the group and try to ignore any other shit/anxiety about how they expect you to behave, then look around at other places you can take your DC. There are plenty of groups about where you might feel a lot more comfortable with what's involved meeting up.

I didn't click with my nct group either - I was the youngest by 5 years and they all gasped and made me feel like a child when they realised how old I was (late 20's!). I have a friend who has an amazing nct group where they all get on amazingly, but I don't think it is always like that - you can't put 8 random women together and expect them to become the best of friends. It's easy to bond over babies initially and then they may well drift apart as they move on.

NCT is a strange, weird awful and yet wonderful thing, its so great for those first few months but you will find people drop off, move out, some become closer and so on.

It should be a help to you though not something that makes you feel upset.

I have had nct woes too but I am glad I kept my hand in, because the more annoying ones went back to work and now we have a nice little group.

As for how they run their lives and how nice their houses are,

1. its a shame you compare yourself to them and to be fair you never ever know what is going on behind closed doors do you? How do you know one isn't being abused, emotionally, financially, physically but is putting a brave face on? How do you know one hasn't had the most awful life and is now enjoying having a baby>
2. if they have nice houses, great....if you go for coffee isn't it nice your sitting in a nice environment?
3. time management...do you want more of it? In which case ask them for tips or how they do it...if you don't want it - then why care about their time management?
4. keep your hand in, dont take it soooo personally! They dont have nice houses as a personal attack on you...I am sure at least one of them will turn out to be an OK friend...and 6 months is still early days.
5. My baby didnt cry much at 6 month either....roll on a few months....when they start to walk, refuse food, spray food...I can guarantee they wont be quite so pristine and composed...a whirlwind is coming!

NCT friends are like colleagues. If you are lucky one or two of them will be decent once they let their guards down.

These guys very much still have their guards up, with their perfect homes and babies. Well, parenting is a marathon not a sprint. Things will get a bit messier when the true effect of sleep deprivation click in and people start being honest.

If you can think of them as colleagues, you might be able to stick around and enjoy working alongside them. But it sounds like they are all in the market for new BFFs and have unreasonably high expectations of the NCT group thing.

Urgh to going on holiday with nct friends.especially that soon. It takes a while to get to know people. I am in touch with three of mine and two of them at very good friends indeed and the four of us meet up about once a month. I would rather not go on holiday than go on holiday with them. A night maybe, a weekend at center parcs if we all had our own chalets, but we have now been friends for three years

These are just random people you were grouped with. If they aren't making you feel good then don't invest time or energy in them.

Go to some different baby groups, start opening your time up and connecting with different mums.

I'm not saying drop them - just don't give the whole NCT thing more energy than it warrants.

Hope your PND eases more each day

Thanks for all your good advice everyone :) I think I am going to try out a few other groups around my area as it's starting to make me feel a bit unhappy and pressured which is not the aim! I do want to make friends with other mums but a bit more gradually. It just makes me feel uneasy sometimes that we are all immediately the best of friends to the point of being gushy, and we barely know each other really! I sound so anti-social and grumpy don't i!! I do actually like my own company sometimes and quite like the days I have to myself.. Is that really weird? I feel I can get stuff done! .I think I am just different to them which is fine x

Just remember that you never know what other people are thinking or feeling. I have a very tidy home (well not when ds is playing granted) and if you'd come round when he was a baby you would have had no cluehow much I was struggling inside.

My NCT group were a lifesaver. But it took 2 years to move from being say "gushing colleagues" to genuine friends.

Also I'm shy and I was determined my DC wouldn't have this social handicap. You can have NCT friends and other friends but you do have to get out there. I found a respite for a couple of hours at lunchtime was enough to recharge me and give me the energy to be social again. Don't hide away and also think about how much you talk when you're on your own with baby. If it's not much then socialising is even more important for their speech development.

I also remember it was 6 months before people started to admit which bits of parenting they found hard.

I like my bunch but do feel a bit inadequate sometimes because the rest of the them always seem to be handling things better than me. All the other babies sleep through while mine is still a nightmare at nearly 1.
It's the immaculate homes that annoys me most, they don't all have nicer houses but they seem to be completely on top of housework which I just don't get. Though when they come round here I always frantically tidy up so they never really see how much of a tip my house really is, perhaps they are the same!
Going on hols with them would be too full on for me. I'm pleased I met my lot but I've also made the effort with some other mums and I'm pleased I did.

The girl in my NCT group who dismissed my sons horrific colic (all day every day for 3 months) as "just crying" later confessed in passing to have had PND herself at the time and was struggling to cope. Obviously making me feel such a failure made her feel better about herself. It just made me feel even more rubbish than I already did.

After that comment I did withdraw from the group and 8 years later only see them in passing.

IME new mums do make out everything is perfect and so make life soooo much harder for those of us who openly struggle.

Find new friends. When the children go to pre school, nursery, school etc there will be lots of new people to meet and friends to make.

Have you tried other groups to try and make friends? Tumble tots? Baby yoga? Mother and toddler groups in your area?

Good luck, it does get easier honest. Having a baby is such a culture shock; it turns your life upside down initially...

I found that I didn't click with my group, or rather, I did like one or two of them, but there were a few who were very close and rather bitchy about whoever happened to not be there at the time. I don't think I'm much of a group person, I prefer one-to-one or small groups of friends, and I felt a lot better when I stopped attending the meet-ups, it's not compulsory to hang out with them!

A group holiday?? It sounds very intense, I don't blame you for wanting a bit of distance.

I think it took a year to warm up to my nct friends but now one of them is like my sister. I'm also very close to one other nct mum. Kids are now 8 years and are all like cousins. I've also picked up other friends through playground and school along the way so my friendship group is quite a mix mash.

I loved my NCT group. Not one of us had a "natural" birth, to the reasonably well-concealed chagrin of the NCT person. How we larfed.:o
Though the noisy couple who wanted to birth with dingoes, sneered at anyone who expressed qualms/questions about BF, and then had an ECS, never surfaced again. Snurk.

My wider group contained some mums who were askance at the bottle, and tactlessly enjoined me to get pregnant again soon, like them.

Twats.

What does this say? Some is luck, some you have to shop around.

My NCT group were awful. So stuck up, forever boasting about how much their dp earn, how many hours their cleaners did and much the houses were worth. It made me feel so low I stopped seeing them when dd was 6 weeks and never looked back. If they don't make you happy don't see them, it's not compulsory!

I got lucky with my NCT group. Even though there are lots of different personalities - some more introverted than others - they are all lovely, funny, clever women and great company.

But a group holiday?! That's really full on and sounds like a recipe for disaster if you ask me.

Wait until they all come back. None of them will be speaking to each other and you can pick up with those in the group you do like

I have two good mum friends. I met them through sure start centre. One also had pnd with her first and has always been so open and supportive My other friend has her own share of child battles.
I find that people who dont share your worries or have experience of pnd find it difficult to be friends with those who do. A lot of people look at me like I am nuts, how dare it take you 6 months to really love your baby, to find her adorable and wonderful. She is 14 months now, but honestly it took me that long to realise that you know what, I can do this and this isnt the end of the world for me.
only join in with what you are comfortable with, and be your own person, biggest thing I learnt, make yourself happy and screw them. They are only doing it to make themselves feel better. It is easier to hide your problems than be loud and proud. PND is nothing to be ashamed of and you deserve better

It sort of defeats the object of NCT if you put on a show if being a perfect yummy mummy who's totally in control.

The point of a NCT group is the support. You should be able to commiserate together about your ruined vaginas, lack of sleep and crying in the shower because it's the only time you're ever alone.

If you can't share this stuff and support each other then it's not particularly helpful. If I want to hear about people's rich husbands and perfect houses I'll just buy OK! Magazine.

In the early days a lot of NCT groups cling together like drowning sailors to a floating deck chair. But as you get the hang of parenting and the proper you resurfaces then you may well find you have little in common.

Thanks everyone :) I think that's the thing...there is nothing really wrong with them apart from the odd insensitive comment from a couple of them..we are just different. They are all extremely gregarious and social which I really admire, but I am a bit more reserved and like to take time to get to know someone before booking holidays a becoming an instant BFF! It's all going so fast!. Not going to cut myself off completely but will keep it open and plan to go to some other groups too next week. And not take it so seriously! And going to go to bed earlier! I have a feeling tiredness and no energy is taking its toll on my thinking x